Over the next few weeks, Trevor and I spent every moment we could together. We spent most of our time in bed. He tried to be as careful with me as possible. I kept trying to remind him that I wasn't going to break. I gained even more weight back through these few weeks. I have now put on a total of twelve pounds since I stopped chemotherapy.
Trevor attended each one of my physical therapy sessions, then reminded me to do my workouts I'm supposed to be doing outside of therapy. I go to the dance studio twice a week to work on my choreography for the Romeo and Juliet showcase. I only have one more month before I start tryouts and then it'll be practices three or four times a week, if not more than that. I can feel Trevor watching me as I dance around on the hard-wood floor. He seemed to hold his breath through every number.
"Are you sure you should be putting this much pressure on yourself so soon?"
"Trevor. How long have I been dreaming of doing Romeo and Juliet?" I cross my arms as I walk toward him.
"Since I knew you." He sighs.
"Since FOREVER. Even before I knew you, just ask my mom. I have been DREAMING of this since I was a young girl and watched the ballet. I can't believe I'm even getting the opportunity for full autonomy. And it's going to be hip-hop based choreography. Which is so completely different than anything else out there!" I am practically yelling at him.
"Okay, okay. I get it. This is your passion. Just..." He pauses. He takes my hand in his. "Just promise me you won't overwork yourself, okay? You're still working up to this kind of thing, and I'm just worried about you."
I groan and turn the music back on. I work on the next three dances I want to include in the show. Then, I call it quits for the evening.
Trevor and I go back to the apartment and I cook him dinner. I cook Chicken breasts with gravy over rice and mashed potatoes with a side of green beans and macaroni salad.
"See? This is what I have been missing at basic!" He takes another big bite.
"Slow down there, marine. You're going to run out of food in a minute, and you're not stealing any of mine." We both laughed. "I've missed you so much." I take his hand from across the table. "I just feel like we're running out of time." I rub my thumb over his hand. Feeling all the veins on the back of his hand.
"We have six more days together. Let's make the most of them." At that, he stands up and walks over to me. He picks me up and carries me back to the bedroom.
He starts kissing my neck, then my shoulder, then my chest, then works his way to my stomach just over my pant line. He slowly moves my pants down and kisses me lower and lower. I let out a breath. I look down as he looks up at me and smiles. He makes his way inside me and we both let out a moan. It always feels like the very first time with him. I can't believe I was able to go thirteen weeks without his touch. Without his kiss. Without him inside me.
For the next few days, we spent more time in bed than anywhere else. Then, it was Christmas. It was our first holiday spent together as husband and wife. I got him a journal and a set of pens so he could write me from Afghanistan and he got me a new pair of dance shoes. We spent the entire day surrounded by both of our families.
I walk outside to the cold air and hear the sliding door click shut behind me. Hailey comes up next to me and puts her blanket around the both of us.
"So, how are the honeymooners?" She winks at me.
"Honeymooners? Oh please, our honeymoon was over the day you called me." We both look down. "Wow." I said. "I can't believe it took me this long to acknowledge that this is my Christmas without my dad." A tear escaped my eyes.
Hailey puts her arm around me. She lays her head on my shoulder. "I miss him too. He was more of a dad to me than my own dad was." She shakes her head. "I can't believe it."
We stand there for a little while longer, then Trevor and Rachel come out and join us.
"What are you two doing, it's freezing out here!" Rachel says between shivers. She comes over to us and wraps herself in the blanket with us.
"Seriously, it's way too cold out here." Trevor joins us.
"We were just talking about how crazy it was that her dad isn't here for this." Hailey admits.
We all look down. Silent. Like we were all saying a tiny, silent prayer in memory of my dad. We all stand there, being sobered by the cold wind blowing against our faces.
"Alright, that's it. One more minute out here and my tits are gonna freeze themselves." Rachel states.
Trevor groans and contorts his face into disgust. "Seriously Rach? Thanks for the image." She just smiles and laughs as she makes her way inside. "Are you two coming back in?" He asks as he heads for the door.
"In a minute, babe." I tell him. Hailey and I just stand against the snow filled railing. "Thank you for always being my rock." I look at her.
"Sure. Thank you for always being mine. Thank you for being the same friend the same friend after me coming out as you were before." She hugs me tight.
"You forget. I was the one who told you that you liked girls in the first place, remember?"
She laughs, "Oh my god. You're right!" She laughs again. "How could I ever forget? We were fifteen, I was dating Steven. And you sat me down on the couch and looked me in my eyes and asked, 'so, what do you think you're doing with Steve?' and I answered, 'dating him?' and then you said-
We both say at the same time, "Oh that's nice. Are you going to tell him you like pussy more than dick anytime soon or...?" And we both cackle. She continues, "How did you know?"
"Um, hello? You're my best friend. You were more into Megan Fox in Transformers than any of male roles!" We laughed again.
After all the festivities, we all went back to our own homes. Trevor and I walked back into our apartment in silence. Both knowing that this bliss we are feeling is about to come to an end in two more days. He sits on the couch and buries his head into his hands. I walk over to him and place my hand on his shoulder.
"You know it's okay to admit that you're scared right?" He looks up at me. "I'm terrified." He starts to laugh. Then his laughter turns into tears. His tears turn into sobs until he is laying his whole upper half on my lap. I brush my fingers through his hair, trying to console his aching heart.
"I'm terrified. I have no idea what I'm walking into. The only thing I know is that Lil Shawty, Chris, Turner, Jake, and Moralis will be in my platoon. Along with fifteen other guys I've never met before. All of us, April. We will all be wondering if these are going to be the very last moments with our loved ones. Do you realize that?"
A tear makes its way down my cheek. "Yes, babe, I do realize that. That's what I'm so scared of."
"Not me." He said quietly. I search his face for him to explain further. "Death would be easy, April. I'm more afraid of coming back."
"What?" I can't believe what I'm hearing. "You're gonna have to explain that a bit further for me." I didn't mean to, but I know I sounded angry.
"Not like what you're thinking. I mean, coming back different. Or injured. PTSD. A missing leg or arm or whatever. Just... you know, not me. Or the me that you deserve."
I wrap him in a hug. I pull back and look him in the eyes. "Through thick and thin, remember?" I smile at him and press our foreheads together.
The next few days are filled with fits of tears, laughter, hugging, kissing, and sex. We decided to devote the next 48 hours solely to each other. Then, the morning came that I would no longer be in my own little piece of heaven. We made our way to the Base in D.C. to say our goodbyes. My mom, sister, Rachel, Hailey, and his Aunt May all came to see him off. He kisses me one last time, and breathes deeply against my cheek. He grabs the back of my head, lays his forehead on mine and looks into my eyes.
"I love you, okay?"
"I love you too."
And just like that, he went to another part of the world. A world that I will never get the chance to fully be part of. Mike's fiance makes her way over to me, and we hug each other. Sobbing into each other's shoulders because the two of us understood this level of fear, pain, and pride for our guys. Even though we were devastated, we were filled with a sense of pride for these people who are putting themselves on the line for our freedoms. For our rights. For our lives. And there isn't any other feeling in this world than the feeling I have right now. Pride. Courage. Bravery.