I had never felt this nervous before in my whole life. It's the feeling of wanting to not look stupid, foolish or dumb in front of someone. I had this feeling of looking good before that stranger and that made me so mad that I was ready to lose my mind.
Like why should I be acting like this?!
Even while thinking so, I was still checking if my veil hid my still healing face. I was even checking if my dress was looking presentable. Gosh, am so sorry Calix.
I gasped when I felt a really warm and manly hands wrap around my waist. The first thing I thought was if I was smelling nice, yeah sure, roll your eyes and facepalm, I understand you.
The second thing was that I was feeling really comfortable in his embrace. I could even smell his manly scent. His hands just felt nice where it was that I wondered if it would everywhere-may Satan be cancelled, what am I thinking?!
"I see you made it," he says in a really low voice that his chest rumbled on my back. I felt my neck hair standing. He had to make my legs weak just when I was about to push him away.
"No!" I suddenly said as if I was afraid I won't say it again if I hesitated. I love my body and I cherish it, ain't no way I would let myself be wasted. But I was the one who was violating myself.
I pushed myself out of his embrace and immediately missed his touch. The thought itself irritated me to death and reincarnation.
"What?" he chuckled. Did I mention how hot it sounded? I was even afraid to look at him. I know he is handsome, but I hadn't seen him properly before. I might not know him if I meet him elsewhere. And he still makes me nervous, that's how fucked up I am.
"I l-love Calix," I had stammered because I felt I didn't believe it myself. Good lord, why do I have to be this messed up even in a different era?
"No you don't," he says, sounding really sure that I was convinced he knew me better than I did.
"I-....." I had nothing else to say, so I shook my head. Not loving Calix didn't mean I can throw myself into his arms. "Doesn't mean you could behave that way with me."
He chuckled as if he found me cute. "It's because you want me to."
It's true, but still....
"I'll let myself draw the line here now. I had never had any fortune in my life before dude. I don't even remember your name but now you want to rip everything I had tried to make better apart. I had a reputation that I am trying to drown, but you will make it a real reputation for me. Plus, Calix is the only man who takes me as I am, not because he wants to get in my pants or anything. So please, let me be.
"This whole thing was a mistake. I hate myself for letting myself to feel this nice with yo-" I slapped my mouth shut, did that just slip off?
"You think living with a man that makes you feel appreciated is the same as living with a man that makes you feel in love?" he asked, seeming to pretend as if he didn't hear me tell him he made me feel good. He seemed serious that I had to look at him.
Oh. My. Loving. God.
This man before me is the epitome of beauty in men. Now I understand why many are ugly, some it's because some are given too much that nothing is left.
His thick eyebrows.
His dark eyes.
His perfect nose.
His purplish pinkish lips.
His perfectly shaved beard.
His perfect face.
His moisty jet black hair.
What wasn't perfect?!
"You seem to be drooling," he teases with a smirk and of course his teeth had to be perfect and white.
"I am not someone who is entitled to choosing," I tell him, my eyes still raking his face. He is really handsome, so handsome that Calix wasn't anything near. Calix is handsome in a soft way while this stranger that I don't remember his name is handsome in a dark devilish way. Alluring.
He shook his head. "I can give you that choice." he didn't make any movements, as if letting me ogle at him.
"Don't ruin things for me, I beg you. May this be the last time we meet," that was said by me after Calix ran through my mind. He didn't react so I decided to walk away.
I had walked away from that stranger. But I felt as if I just walked out of a long love relationship. Every step felt as if I was making a mistake. I felt my heart feeling the pain.
I was in for more when disappointment settled in because he didn't try to stop me.
If all this is for the best, I had to. Calix deserves a lot, and cheating isn't one of them.
But I don't know why I still felt really low. I even thought I could cry.
I am not going to be a cheater, I will not look back. I won't look back. I don't care about this stranger. He is just an episode in my book of life. Calix is my fiance and not him.
I have to think of how to deal with Sena. I was sure she would be planning something for me. Normally I am not the type to say I won't stoop lower because that's the kind of shit that makes you lose a lot. If they step in mud, I will lie in it.
But now, I really really really don't want it. Please.
Nothing in my life is making me stay. I just don't feel anything holding me back from committing suicide. How nice would it be if I just ended my life, again. But I didn't feel it in me to actually end myself. Maybe I should just look for it. I should just kill myself, no?