Astrid stretched herself to a stand, wondering if she would ever again grow accustomed to a bed after spending a year sleeping on a hard, dirt-packed floor. She hadn't dared look at the bed where her wife slept soundly last night.
She'd brought a blanket with her to the room and lay down in front of the hearth relishing the fire's warmth. She had spent too many nights shivering herself to sleep from the cold and often dreamed of sleeping before a fire. Last night her dreams finally came true.
She thought of her father's words about fully returning home. She was home, and yet she wasn't and she needed to do as her father suggested. She had to reconnect with family and friends and find a way to accept her wife, though that would take time. Or was it that she wondered if she could ever fully accept Astrid and, even more so, possibly love her?
But then could she ever possibly love Vevina?"
By the time Astrid returned to the keep, clouds were quickly gathering overhead and the sky had turned dark gray. Clansmen called out greetings to her as they rushed to finish work before the rain started, and many invited her in for a tankard of ale, which she declined until another time.
She knew that having escaped capture, they thought highly of her, and admired and respected her even more. But she didn't feel worthy of their praise.
"The moor is still your favorite haunt?"
Astrid nodded and slowed her pace so her brother Arthur could join her. "The moor provides solitude. "
"I thought you would have had enough of that by now."
"There are different kinds of solitude," Astrid said.
"Well, I for one hope to spend more time with you, for I have missed your ugly face."
Astrid grinned. "Isn't that Lancer you're referring to?"
Arthur laughed. "Lancer does believe himself the most handsome."
"And the most foolish."
"I heard that," Lancer said, hurrying up alongside Astrid. "And let me remind you both that it is I who all the women favor."
"You mean it is you who chase after all the women," Arthur corrected.
"Chase?" Lancer asked with such profound surprise that he had Arthur laughing and Astrid's smile growing wide. "I've never chased after a woman in my life and I never will."
"That's a challenge to the heavens, Lancer, you better be careful," Arthur warned with a tease.
"The heavens know the ladies love me."
"You forgot to say lads as well," Arthur corrected him again with a knowing grin.
"I'm sure they will send a most beautiful angel when I'm ready to settle down and wed," Lancer said. "Right now, I am having all the joy in the world as long and as much as I can."
Astrid had yet to join her brother in laughter, though a silent chuckle tickled her throat.
"Rohan would agree with me," Lancer boasted. Astrid stopped dead and turned on Lancer. "Then you should have found him and returned him home so he could side with your ridiculous notion."
She turned to leave and caught sight of Vevina nearby. "Where have you been, wife? You neglect your duties."
Astrid did not see her father-in-law nearby watching the exchange or the way the man glared at Vevina, but it was not lost to Vevina, and Astrid's action was not lost on the clansmen and women who mulled about. As a result, tongues started wagging.
"I'm hungry," Astrid said, snatching Vevina's hand and pulling her along, meanwhile grumbling beneath her breath.
Rohan's capture tormented her. She could not forget that day, the battle, the capture, and the look on her oldest brother's face when he pushed her to run away. She wanted to pound her fists, and cry out in rage, and she could do nothing but direct her anger at her innocent wife. She had never before held a woman responsible for feeding her. If she were hungry, she found food herself, she needed no one to serve her, so why demand it now from her wife?
Servants and warriors lingered around the great hall enjoying ale and conversation and avoiding the inevitable rainstorm, thunder now grumbling in the distance, and they called to Astrid to join them. At one time, she would have gladly joined in talk and drink and the head of the large fireplace. But now she simply wanted to escape from everyone, as she had escaped from the barbarians.
"I'll get your food for you and the men, "Vevina said. Astrid stopped her with a tug.
"I'll take my meal in our bedchamber."
She grew more annoyed watching her wife pale and assume she wanted more than food in their bedchamber. She lowered her voice though it was with a snarling growl she spoke. "I want food, not sex. Don't think too highly of yourself."
Astrid released her, and ignoring the invitation from the warriors, left the hall and took the stone stairs two at a time. She was running and she knew it, but the need to seek seclusion was a wrenching twist to her gut. She slammed the door behind her and dropped back against it, her hands fisted at her sides.
Astrid imagined her return would set everything right, but it didn't. Now, what did she do? How did she manage to be the woman she once was? Did that woman even exist anymore?
A sudden chill descended over her, and she went to stand in front of the hearth, wanting nothing more than to let the fire's head warm her and let the silence free her mind and endless worrisome thoughts.
"My lady? My lady?"
It took a moment before Astrid realized her wife was speaking to her. She had finally and gratefully gone to a quiet place in her mind where she had found solace and had not wanted to leave it, but the intruding voice forced her from it.
"Astrid," she said sharply. "I am neither a lady nor a chieftain of this clan."
Vevina dipped her head in a respectful nod. "I have brought your food."
"I'm not hungry."
"But you said..."
"Do I need to repeat myself?" Astrid snapped, and Vevina jumped back.
With an agitated sigh, she rubbed the back of her neck. She had not meant to yell at her.
"Have I offended you somehow?" Vevina's question surprised her since she was obviously uneasy around her, looking forever as if she wished to flee or slink into the shadows and hide. So where had she gotten a kernel of nerve to question her?
"Why do you ask?"
Her nerve faltered, delaying her response for a moment. "You seem angry with me."
Lord, but her violet eyes were beautiful her rosy lips so plump and her skin looked so very soft. Astrid raised her hand, and when she realized she was about to caress Vevina's face, snapped back and shouted, "Get out!"
She stumbled over her own feet on the way to the door and slammed it behind her.
Astrid closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. What was so wrong with finding her wife attractive? Wasn't that a blessing for an arranged marriage? But she wasn't ready to be married, and she didn't want to do that to Arthur, who would be the one to have Vevina. She was technically wed to him first, and she would be happier to know that they would reunite one way or the other. Arthur was a good honest man, not to mention, beautiful and charming. He would definitely make Vevina swoon with joy, in and out of bed.
While Astrid wasn't ready for anything at the moment, save one.
Battle.
Astrid was a warrior maiden and proud of it. She could ride into battle right now and fight tirelessly forever. Nothing stopped her from entering a battle, and she wished for one now, a physical battle, not this inner one she waged. With a shield and a sword, she knew how to defend and protect against an enemy.
The Sinclares were warriors protecting the farthest region of Scotland against marauding bands of barbarians from across the sea for king and country. It had been their duty for generations and would be for generations to come.
But this time her enemy was herself, and how did you defend and protect against yourself? She shook her head and charged from the room. The hell with solitude. She would seek the company of other warriors and drink, and soon her troubled thoughts would plague her no more.