Chapter 15 - Chapter 5 - The Morning He Yearned For

5.1

 "—!!"

 He wasn't aware of the exact moment he returned to consciousness.

 The sound of heavy rain kept ringing in his ears. His vision flickered between

red and white.

 The world was bent and warped.

 Unable to feel his arms or legs, he made a thick, anguished scream as if

someone were wringing his intestines like wet laundry.

 He twisted his body and leapt, every movable part of his entire body

unleashing fierce incomprehension.

 —He didn't know what was going on.

 The burning pain of his leg being severed and the scars of his body being

lashed all over by the chain were…gone.

 He'd lost his blood. He'd lost his life. He'd died.

 He hadn't wanted to die. He hated the pain, the suffering, the sadness, the

fear, all of it.

 He wanted to push it all away. Everything he could see, everything he could

touch, everything he could feel.

 "—!"

 He heard something. He heard someone's voice.

 He heard a voice, like someone was desperately trying to calm a wild beast.

 The meaning didn't get through. He didn't understand the meaning. He didn't

want to understand the meaning.

 It was useless to listen. Listening would only get him hurt. Listening wouldn't

change a thing.

 Yet as he rejected all, color returned to the world, as did sound, as did shape.

 The senses of his entire disheveled body told him, correctly, that blood was

reaching his limbs.

 His flailing hand hit something, breaking fingernails and ripping the back of his

hand, making it bleed. The sharp pain jabbed into his brain, somewhat lessening

the force of his scream.

 Then he realized it. Someone had grabbed and wrapped up his hurting arms.

 He felt something similar on his legs. Something was covering him, making

him unable to move either leg.

 Right above him, his returning vision saw the familiar white ceiling he'd seen

several times over now.

 He realized he was lying faceup on the soft bed.

 He finally breathed out, strength draining from his stiffened body, when…

 "Dear Guest, Dear Guest. Have you finally calmed down?"

 "Dear Guest, Dear Guest. Have you finally stopped flailing?"

 The instant his ears heard the two familiar voices, Subaru remembered to

scream.

5.2

Subaru's fourth first day at Roswaal Manor had begun in the worst way

possible.

 Subaru lived with the shame of having already died six times since arriving in

that world.

 They were most certainly not peaceful deaths. Each death came with its own

commensurate sense of loss.

 You didn't get used to the pain and suffering of it. Though he picked himself

up each time, no one could understand the loneliness, the desolation, the

anguish he felt.

 He'd resolve that no matter what pickle he might find himself in, his heart, at

least, would not falter.

 But that resolve had been shattered by his latest Return by Death.

 His sense of loss, of despair, of loneliness, gouged Subaru just as deeply as the

bonds formed over the days before.

 There was no way he could recover. He didn't have the strength to recover.

 Emilia, sitting on the bed beside Subaru, smiled at him as she patted his

injured right hand.

 "—All right, done. I think it's nicely patched up, but you mustn't thrash

around like that, okay?"

 —At that moment, Subaru and Emilia were the only two people in the room.

 The two maids who had been present when Subaru awoke retreated in the

face of Subaru's disgraceful behavior right after waking, leaving things to Emilia.

 "Ram and Rem were really so worried about you."

 Subaru reflexively raised his face at the mention of two names he didn't want

to hear.

 Subaru's reaction put a bit of surprise on Emilia's face, but she instantly

brushed it off with a small shake of her head.

 "They're feeling unusually down, thinking they may have offended you

somehow. How about you say something to them next time you see them?"

 "Offended, huh? No, they didn't do anything… There's nothing between those

people and me."

 Emilia's feminine eyebrows softly grimaced at the insensitive tone of his

voice. Her reaction was in the corner of Subaru's vision, but no apology or

excuse came from his lips.

 Instead, what came out was a question without the slightest hint of sarcasm.

 "Hey, Emilia, do you…think I'm a bother?"

 Emilia raised a finger and seemed to speak rapid-fire to hold Subaru in check.

 "How could I think you're a bother? You saved my life, Subaru. What are you

supposed to do if someone you owe a debt to just gets up and leaves? It'd really

put me in a bind."

 Subaru listened in silence, belatedly realizing that he was staring intently at

every detail of Emilia's face and actions.

 "Whoa, I was seriously…"

 He was disheartened that it was he who'd given Emilia such a look of distrust.

 Emilia had unexpectedly hit the nail on the head, had she not?

 To stop thinking of your benefactor as your benefactor was the lowest thing

you could do.

 Emilia was the only oasis Subaru had in an uncertain world. Subaru, having

lost everything else he'd set his heart upon, had nowhere else to turn.

 "—"

 He suddenly had a small thought.

 Perhaps it was to Emilia that he should reveal the truth of the Return by

Death?

 "That's right…"

 Now that he thought about it, Subaru had tried to change his dead-end reality

completely on his own so far. But all he'd achieved was a dead-end fate, with

both the future and the past blocked off.

 Breaking through that stalemate required fundamental change.

 Maybe the answer was to form a bond of trust with a third party, someone he

could rely on?

 "—Emilia, there's something I want to tell you."

 The clouds seemed to lift as Subaru's feelings of hesitation and unease parted

inside him.

 Hearing the tone of Subaru's voice fall like that, Emilia sat back down in a

chair, looking at Subaru with a face tense with concern.

 Watching himself reflected in her violet eyes, Subaru thought of how he

should begin this.

 How should he talk about Return by Death? Perhaps Subaru ought to first find

out if it was something that happened to other people of that world, too?

 It was a pretty funny story, really. The chances were high she'd think it was a

big joke.

 But Emilia would listen to Subaru tell it, wouldn't she?

 Then and there, that was the hope that kept Subaru going.

 —He'd talk to her about Return by Death. And that he hoped she would lend

him her strength.

 Subaru, well aware that here he was, already receiving her gratitude and yet

making another request, opened his mouth.

 They'd change this extremely confusing situation. They'd fight against Fate

and win…together.

 —Or so he thought.

 "Emilia. I c—"

 He began his confession. The moment the thought formed, it came.

 "—"

 Discomfort. Something's wrong, Subaru's mind told him.

 What's wrong, he wondered back, but he immediately noticed why.

 Sound. Sound was gone. There was no sound anywhere.

 His own heartbeat. Emilia's breaths. The sounds of morning filtering through

the window. All had completely vanished from the world.

 And that was but the prelude for what was to come.

 —Next, movement followed sound, vanishing from the world as well.

 The passing of time lengthened. A single moment extended to eternity. The

 next second simply never arrived.

 Emilia's serious expression remained before his eyes, unmoving. She was like

an ice statue, her next motion an eternity away.

 Subaru was the same. He couldn't move. His mouth, his eyes, nothing for

eternity.

 Sound had vanished, time had stopped, and Subaru's hand could not even

reach out to beg.

 For some reason, only Subaru's mind continued on during the phenomenon

beyond his understanding.

 —And then, suddenly, it came.

 A black cloud. Subaru, unable to blink, suddenly saw it fill his vision.

 In a world where nothing could move, only the cloud was still in motion. The

cloud wriggled and changed shape. Its mass was such that it could be held in

the palms of one's hands. Bit by bit, the contours of the cloud took form, and it

finished changing shape.

 —Subaru saw something like a black palm.

 It had five fingers. It didn't reach to an elbow, but he could definitely make

out a forearm.

 The black fingers shifted. The gentle movements of what clearly had the

shape of a hand swam through the air. Subaru's mind gasped when he saw

where it was headed.

 The black fingers slowly reached to Subaru's chest…and seemed to go right in.

 Subaru felt the feeling straight to his soul. The feeling of the fingers brushing

against his internal organs, stroking his rib cage…

 Discomfort and unease gripped Subaru. The black cloud wouldn't stop

moving.

 It was as if it hadn't found what it was looking for and had to look deeper,

deeper into Subaru's chest.

 —Hey, hold on here.

 His voice wouldn't come out. His body couldn't resist. Subaru's mind let out a

terrified yelp.

 —This isn't funny.

 Subaru was shaken beyond what he could call his innards, to the very core of

his being.

 Could anyone put into words why having your internal organs damaged hurt?

 The question is pointless.

 No one needs to think about it.

 In that instant, Subaru felt no need to put into words what that excruciating

pain felt like.

 It was really simple. Having his heart mercilessly squeezed felt like his very

soul was being crushed.

 He couldn't scream. He couldn't writhe from the pain.

Illustration 7

 There was only suffering. And along with suffering came something that made

Subaru wish he could scream.

 The pain was pulling apart the person called "Subaru." His mind was frayed,

twisting, falling apart. Subaru was being cut into pieces, unable to remember

what a logical thought felt like— "—baru,"

 "—?"

 "Subaru, what's wrong? Don't go all quiet like that. It worries me."

 Her hands were on his thighs as the silver-haired beauty gazed into Subaru's

eyes with concern.

 Subaru seemed to stop holding his breath when he was sure his fingers were

moving as he intended. He gingerly touched his own chest, confirming from the

outside that his heart was making quiet beats.

 His body moved. His voice came out. He couldn't feel any pain from his heart.

 —But the fear remained.

 Subaru fell into despair, for it had ripped his one hope to shreds.

 Just thinking about defying it a second time made him see the swaying black

cloud in his mind.

 Subaru had no choice but to face facts.

 Unable to hold back her emotions, Emilia put her palm against Subaru's face,

at a loss as she asked an uncertain question.

 "—Wh-what's wrong? You've been acting weird since earlier. If something's

wrong…"

 "—I want to ask you a favor."

 Subaru cut off Emilia's worried voice midway, lying down and turning away

his head.

 He couldn't face her. His features probably looked horrible.

 If he looked at Emilia in his current emotional state, there was no telling what

he might say to her.

 Working all out to keep his mind steady, Subaru could manage to say only one

thing.

 He threw away the words he wanted to say. He threw away the feelings that

wanted her to hear.

 He threw away everything.

 "Don't have anything to do with me."

 Listlessly, that was all he said as he curled into the bed. He didn't even look at

Emilia's shocked reaction.

 Unconsciously, Subaru had firmly grasped a single fact the moment the palm

touched his chest.

 —He would not be permitted to break free.

 Subaru was alone. And he would remain alone.

5.3

Having brushed off Emilia, Subaru gloomily began his fourth loop.

 Roswaal went to Subaru's room after he'd hurt Emilia with his heartless

statement.

 Subaru largely didn't remember what they'd talked about. But he felt like he'd

been appraised like an expensive vase. He didn't know if that was just this time

or if it had happened before and he just hadn't noticed.

 "I shall treat you as a guest for as looong as you prefer."

 Subaru felt like he'd said something convenient like that.

 He also felt like the details didn't matter anymore.

 If he left the mansion, they'd shut him up for good. That was certain. But even

if he was dead weight in the mansion, he couldn't avoid getting ground into

mincemeat in the near future.

 He felt like his saved game guaranteed a BAD END. The fact that it was

autosave made it extra brutal.

 "—"

 Subaru was on top of the bed and not moving much, but his breaths were

quick and ragged.

 Fearful of falling asleep, Subaru had used the feathered pen in his hand to cut

the back of his other hand several times. Every time his eyelids seemed to

droop, he forced his consciousness awake through pain. If he slept, he didn't

know what he'd wake up to.

 He'd already died three times.

 In the royal capital loop, he hadn't experienced more than three deaths. To

Subaru, plunged into that first day for the fourth time around, dying a fourth

death was unknown territory.

 —Maybe, if he died here, he'd never come back.

 He couldn't find a way to avoid death. But still, he didn't want to die.

 He distrusted all and struggled against all in his desperate fight to live. He

forgot the passage of time, the churning of his empty stomach; Subaru became

eager to simply exist.

 The pain of his wound felt like affirmation of his existence. The spaces

between the holes in his hand vanished.

 Pain. Joy. Pain. Joy. Pain. Pain. Pain—

 Suddenly, his face shot up when he abruptly heard a little girl's voice.

 "—You certainly have a cowardly look about you."

 A girl was standing at the entrance, leaning against it, shooting Subaru a look

like she was gazing at a beast.

 Beatrice, whom he had yet to meet even once during this loop, had come to

visit.

 Subaru's vigilance ratcheted up at the unprecedented change of

circumstances.

 "—So it's you this time?"

 He belatedly realized that his voice was low and scratchy. It surprised him. His

 voice held more hostility in it than he'd imagined. Maybe he was voicing his

feeling that the world was cursed.

 "What an incorrigible fool, to waste away like this in the span of a day or

two."

 "No one asked you— What'd you come for?"

 Beatrice, having mocked Subaru's disgraceful sight and received his sullen

retort in turn, narrowed her eyes slightly.

 "…Puckie and that little girl asked me to pay you a visit."

 "Puck and…Emilia?"

 "You were acting oddly since you awoke, I suppose, so they suspected that I

had done something to you when you first woke up. A rather rude suggestion, if

I may say so."

 It was true, and Beatrice was innocent, but those things didn't register with

Subaru.

 Surely Subaru's heartless words had hurt Emilia, yet she was concerned for

Subaru all the same, enough to speak directly to Beatrice, even if her suspicions

were misplaced?

 As a result, Beatrice, with a weakness for Puck to begin with, had Puck

begging her to help them, so here she was, reluctantly showing herself in

Subaru's room.

 Emilia's concern for him brought just a tiny bit of warmth to Subaru's heart.

 Even if it was meaningless as far as breaking the stalemate was concerned…

 "Got it. I'm all right now. You came to apologize, and that's enough."

 Beatrice's lips twisted as Subaru tried to brush her away.

 "Why must I apologize to you, I wonder? Before anything else, I will not be

leaving until that misunderstanding is cleared up."

 Instead of leaving the room, she marched over to the bed. Subaru was about

to pile on more complaints when…

 "—Hm?"

 Subaru watched as she crinkled her nose and tilted her head. If she just

stayed quiet she'd look pretty adorable, but…

 Beatrice looked displeased at being stared at and covered her face, glaring at

Subaru.

 "'Tis not just your dull face, I suppose, that is rotten. It is quite thick all around

you."

 "—Huh?"

 "Perhaps I speak of the scent tickling my nose? It would be wise to avoid

meeting the twins for a while."

 Beatrice pinched her nose and waved with her free hand as if driving off an

unpleasant scent.

 "—"

 But Subaru's mind couldn't let go of the keyword scent.

 Scent. Certainly someone had used that word around the end of the third loo

—

 "A smell coming from me…?"

 "—The scent of the witch. Perhaps your nose is broken?"

 He remembered that word. He'd come across that piece of vocabulary only

recently. So that meant— "The jealous witch?"

 "In today's day and age, there is none other who would be called witch, I

suppose."

 Her statement, belittling him as a petty idiot, aroused only more questions in

Subaru.

 "Why is that scent coming from me?"

 "Who is to say? Perhaps the witch took a liking to you, or perhaps she hates

the very sight of you. Either way, the witch giving you special treatment makes

you attract trouble."

 Beatrice slumped her shoulders, her gloomy behavior indicating any further

talk about it was unwelcome.

 Witch—a being shunned throughout the world to the point that the fairy tale

"The Witch of Jealousy" would not record her name.

 But Subaru had no connection to the witch or the story; he'd read about it

only in a book.

 Naturally, without any memory of having met the witch, he had no memory

of how he might carry a lingering scent from her touch.

 —Rem had also said he stank of the witch, hadn't she?

 He felt that the overwhelming hostility was related in part to the scent of the

witch. If that was so, he'd earned her hatred through something he had no

memory of; with one slander piled on another, she felt she had no choice but to

silence him.

 Subaru, having grasped something that was wholly outside his control, sighed

at length. As Subaru remained silent, Beatrice looked at him as she reached

toward the doorknob.

 "If nothing's wrong with you, I'm leaving. I should tell Puckie that we had a

chat and what we talked about, I suppose."

 She seemed ready to vanish into the Passage when he called out to stop her.

 "Wait a sec."

 Beatrice looked distinctly displeased as she looked back at him.

 Subaru stubbornly arrived at the words and tossed them out.

 "You feel bad about what you did to me, don't you?"

 He didn't know if it meant anything or not—but he thought it was worth a

shot.

 Beatrice shot Subaru a sour look as Subaru knocked against the bed and asked

again.

 "Do you feel bad about it? Yes or no?"

 "I think no such thing."

 "I'll tell Puck on you."

 Beatrice repositioned herself to face Subaru, crossing her arms and raising her

nose with a haughty air.

 "Ugh…perhaps I think it a teeeeeny bit."

 "I'll forgive you if you'll do one little favor for me."

 "…Would you speak it, I wonder?"

 "Could you protect me until sunrise on the fifth da— The morning after

tomorrow?"

 It was a thoroughly shameless request to make of a girl who looked younger

than he did.

 Beatrice was silent for a while in the face of Subaru's heartfelt request.

 "That is a rather vague statement. Perhaps there is a reason someone is after

you?"

 The question Beatrice countered with was quite natural and sensible.

 Beatrice kept Subaru in her sights as she paced around the room.

 "In the first place, I do not want to bring discord to this manor. This manor is a

place that, to me, I must not lose, I suppose."

 "…I don't want to cause any trouble. I just wanna put out any sparks that fly."

 "That is quite a sentiment coming from someone trying to make it another's

problem?"

 "For once, I don't have a comeback."

 Beatrice sighed as Subaru bowed down before her.

 Subaru was still bowed as he thought he heard a sound like the door being

closed from the inside.

 The sound of Subaru's request being denied and Beatrice returning to her

archive.

 The moment he heard that sound, Subaru's threadbare hope snapped.

 "Could you put out your hand, I wonder?"

 With Subaru filled with resignation, Beatrice walked to the side of the bed and

 offered her tiny hand.

 Beatrice's irritation sent Subaru, in complete shock, rushing to take her hand.

As he did, Beatrice scowled as she looked at the damaged back of his hand.

 "Disgusting. Perhaps you are an unsalvageable deviant who delights in self-

harm?"

 "Roswaal's got the deviant market locked up. I was just trying to give myself a

tattoo and messed it up."

 "Your artistic sense, skill, and talent for lies are completely lacking… There is

no saving you from that."

 Exhaling, Beatrice put her tiny palm on top of Subaru's hand, as if trying to

cover the wounds. Her smooth fingers invited his in until their hands

intertwined.

 "—I shall grant thy wish. By the name of Beatrice, the pact is formed."

 Beatrice's solemn statement left Subaru completely at a loss for words.

 Suddenly, the girl before his eyes looked completely different than before. As

her fingers gripped his, the warmth they conveyed made his mind see the aura

of mystique surrounding her.

 "Makeshift or not, a pact is a pact— Perhaps I have been moved by your

irrational request."

 Beatrice released his fingers and crossed her arms once again. Subaru bowed

before her, suppressing the wave of emotion that hit him.

 He didn't put the emotions into words, but they gushed from a bottomless

well deep in his heart.

 He didn't know how to react to being offered salvation from the least

expected source.

 "Seriously…a little girl's gonna make me cry…"

 "Could you not say little girl, I wonder? Also, I will never forgive you if you say

one word to Puckie about this."

 "So that's the important part?! Desperation gets you demon-possessed, I tell

 you."

 Subaru made a bitter smile in response to Beatrice's look of genuine hostility.

 His fourth loop had begun with despair. It was a small smile, the only of this

loop, but it was there.

5.4

By forming a temporary pact with Beatrice, Subaru gained a tiny but tangible

piece of security. However, the circumstances pressing down on Subaru had not

fundamentally improved at all.

 As was his wont, Subaru continued life as a hermit in the room he had been

granted; Beatrice was not hovering around Subaru, protecting him twenty-four

hours a day.

 The problem was from the night of the fourth day to the morning of the fifth

—to reduce the effort needed to protect him during that time, he'd be leaving

the room, not showing his face again until the appointed hour.

 In return, the one who visited Subaru time and again, and currently nodding

while sitting on the side of the bed with a charming smile on her face, was

Emilia.

 "I see, so Beatrice came to properly apologize. I'm glad. A job well done."

 For Emilia to approach him like this after Subaru had treated her so poorly,

which weighed heavily on his conscience, it was no exaggeration to say he

thought of her like a goddess, his one light in a dark world.

 When Emilia visited again and he tried to apologize for his initial rude

statement, she simply brushed off Subaru's horrible words.

 "You were just overwhelmed, right? It can happen to anyone. It can't be

helped. Ram and Rem will be pleased to hear you say that, though."

 Subaru gave no proper reply to the gentle request she'd slipped in at the end.

 Their loyalty was so great that they'd kill someone merely for knowing an

inconvenient truth. Subaru had experienced that firsthand, but he couldn't hate

them for it even so.

 He closed his eyes and thought back on his days at the manor. Back then,

during those memories, were there not moments when Subaru and the sisters

drew closer together?

 —Maybe he just wanted to believe it was so.

 Emilia looked at the tray left on the side of the bed and the untouched meal,

slowly going cold, resting upon it as she murmured in a sullen tone.

 "So you really didn't eat breakfast, did you?"

 "…Sorry."

 After snapping at Emilia, Subaru had become more quiet and withdrawn.

Though Subaru acted like that, Ram and Rem diligently went about their duties

as servants.

 Even when they knew he would never touch the food nor thank them for it.

 One was rude, while the other was polite only on the surface, but both were

very formal and professional at heart.

 Subaru knew that. Despite knowing that, he could not accept the food.

 —For all he knew, it might be poisoned.

 That was the thought that passed through his mind when he looked at it.

 He hated himself for doubting the two of them. However, Subaru knew a

future existed where the sisters waved around horrid weapons to kill him.

 He knew they had many virtues, but they'd try to kill him anyway.

 It was when Subaru had accepted that fact that his despair had truly begun.

 "Maybe it's tough, but it's bad for you if you don't eat at least a little bit."

 "My stomach won't take it… Well, maybe if Emilia-tan went 'Say aah' for me I

could eat, but…"

 Subaru cursed what an incurable joker he was, sending such a flippant remark

Emilia's way when she was genuinely worried about him.

 However…

 "Here, then. Say aah."

Illustration 7

 "—Eh?"

 "I said, say aah—"

 Emilia had set the food tray on her lap, lifting a spoon and looking at Subaru.

 She used the spoon to scoop up some soup, which was still somewhat warm,

and gently brought it toward Subaru's mouth.

 Subaru immediately shook his head, unable to understand what Emilia was

trying to do.

 "No, nonono, wait, hold up, Emilia-tan, what are you doing?"

 "What do you mean, what? You said you'd eat if I did this, didn't you? So eat.

I'm saying 'say ahh' and everything."

 "Err, this is like a ritual that girls don't actually do; their faces just go bright

red and that's as far as it goes, I thought?"

 "If you're going to speak like a child, you can't be embarrassed at being fed

like one. That would be silly."

 As Subaru dragged his feet, Emilia went "Say aah" again with a powerful,

compelling stare. Subaru finally buckled under the pressure, feeling like he'd

gone red to the tips of his ears as he opened his mouth.

 "A-aah…"

 "There, swallow. Here's the next one. Here, here, here, here, here."

 "That's too fast!! Was that aah just to get my guard down?!"

 The way Emilia carried soup to his lips, automatically with no wasted motion

whatsoever, made him wonder if she'd been in a fast-feeding competition or

something. Subaru tried to keep up with one spoonful after another before

roughly waving his hand midway.

 "T-time-out, time-out! Can we stop? It's going down my th-throat the wrong

way…!"

 "Goodness, and it was going so well, too… Subaru?"

 "Cough, cough, r-really, my throat feels…all weird…"

 Subaru averted his face from Emilia, faking coughs to try to make the action

seem more natural. He didn't want Emilia to see his face just then.

 Something hot was welling from deep in Subaru's eyes. He opened his eyes to

give his tears somewhere to run and desperately tried to stop them from

flowing.

 She continued to be kind to him in a world where he could see no hope.

 He wondered if he was truly worthy of such treatment…

 …for Subaru Natsuki was in despair precisely because he rejected that he was.

 "Hey, Subaru."

 As she called out to him in concern, Subaru lightly cleared his throat and

tested his voice as he got back in order.

 "…Mm, ahh, ahh. Okay. Yeah. I'm all right now. I think. I'm all right."

 He made the richest expression as he turned toward Emilia…

 …and met her extremely gentle eyes, looking right at him.

 "Let's continue."

 "…The way you put that makes this feel really naughty somehow…"

 "—?"

 Emilia, tilting her head, apparently hadn't noticed the risqué, bewitching

nature of her statement.

 Or maybe it'd all been in his head to begin with.

 And so he finished eating, with Emilia offering a 'Say aah' and him opening his

mouth, cheeks red from shyness and complicated sentiments. With the meal

finished, Emilia clapped once in satisfaction.

 "Good. Now, what do we say when we're done eating?"

 "That was great."

 "That's bad manners. Once more, and say it right."

 "Thank you for the food."

 "You're very welcome."

 Faced with Emilia's broad smile, Subaru patted his belly, which strangely felt

nice and full.

 His stomach felt no discomfort at having been stuffed after two days of going

empty.

 "Ram said, 'He hasn't eaten properly in a while so we must be gentle on his

stomach,' and that's how Rem made it. They're such good girls, aren't they?"

 Emilia's words, as if boasting on behalf of the sisters, stabbed Subaru's doubts

like a dagger.

 If that was the truth, he'd be happy enough to cry at such a show of concern.

But Subaru knew better. The very pain of the delusion made him want to cry.

 If only their gentleness and kind treatment didn't have that lurking behind it.

 "Well, now that you've eaten, too, you must be tired, so I'll head back and let

you rest."

 "You could always sleep here beside me?"

 "Good, good, seems you're already your usual self. Now, I do have things I

need to be doing, too. Don't tell anyone I was slacking off, okay?"

 Emilia winked and stuck out her tongue.

 Subaru, remembering what Emilia would normally be doing at a time like this,

felt deeply ashamed.

 Emilia had a kingdom resting on her shoulders; she didn't have one second to

waste as she spent each day striving for a better future. She shouldn't have

been wasting a single second of that precious time on someone worthless like

Subaru.

 "—Emilia. Keep your door locked at night and don't let anyone in, okay?"

 Perhaps he said it because Emilia's kindness had rekindled the tiniest spark of

the will to defy Fate.

 Emilia brushed back her silver hair and inclined her head ever so slightly at

Subaru's sudden admonition.

 "Or you'll sneak in?"

 "Right, exa… No!! Hey, that was Puck not Emilia just now, wasn't it?!"

 "Wow, got it in one."

 Puck popped his head out of Emilia's hair and grinned at her and Subaru. He

swished his tail as Subaru glared at him, no doubt having been listening in that

hiding place from the very beginning.

 "I didn't want to intrude on such a lovely scene, but your emotions suddenly

turned serious, huh? That got my attention."

 "…I just have a bad feeling, okay? You take good care of Emilia, now."

 With the black cloud lurking, Subaru had to be evasive when speaking about

the future. Even so, Puck, able to read emotions, accepted his words without

question.

 "I'll have you know I really don't like feeling left behind in this conversation,"

Emilia complained.

 "It's just saying a cute girl like you should always be careful about night visits,

and to watch out for cars and men. Right, Dad?"

 "That's right, Lia. Daddy forbids you from seeing men…bad-looking, dark-

haired men in particular."

 "Brutus?!"

 Puck laughed out loud as Subaru invoked the name of the famous betrayer.

Emilia pinched the laughing Puck and shoved him back into her hair, this time

rising to her feet.

 Subaru saw both of them off and, now alone in the room, flopped onto the

bed.

 He'd gotten them to watch out more, but it was a small comfort. To begin

with, the current crisis had little to do with either of them, so he figured they'd

be all right.

 "Aw, no…"

 The instant Subaru's mind felt a smidgen of relief, his consciousness dove into

 a deep sleep.

 The pangs of sleep that he'd kept at bay with pain for so long suddenly rushed

back, robbing Subaru of his will.

 And his stomach was full, too. His consciousness felt like it was sinking

downward, unable to resist.

5.5

Subaru's consciousness felt like a floating cloud, trapped between dream and

reality.

 He'd heard somewhere that dreams had the side effect of organizing the

waking brain's information. That would explain why Subaru, having delayed his

sleep so long, beheld a string of such clear and vivid memories, as if they meant

to haunt his dreams.

 Subaru's vivid, "dead" memories replayed over and over, etching themselves

deeper into his mind.

 He moaned, tossed, turned; he made anguished sounds as sweat drenched

his entire body. Immersed in tears and faint sounds, his soul was whittled

down, down, down, and when the final thread was cut, surely nothing would

remain.

 That was how far he had been worn down, both mentally and physically.

 "—"

 Abruptly, the tension in Subaru's body vanished.

 It was as if the cold and terror that made his body shake had been swept

aside.

 —It was his hands.

 Someone was holding Subaru's hands.

 Someone's touch from the real world pulled back Subaru, drifting in

unconsciousness in the bed. It was a warm sensation, a gentle sensation, one

that conveyed compassion.

 He felt like he'd been saved. He felt like a gentle breeze blew into his tattered

mind. His ragged breathing eased; he forgot his suffering and returned to

peaceful sleep.

 Who did it? What was it? Was it real or just a convenient trick of the dream?

 He continued to feel warmth lingering between the palms of his hands—

5.6

 "—Just how long are you going to sleep, I wonder?"

 "Whoaaaa!"

 Subaru cried out in pain, having been violently kicked, followed by a hard

landing on the floor.

 When Subaru shook his head and rose up, Beatrice was there, scowling, one

leg raised in an unladylike manner. Beatrice snorted, once again unable to hide

her displeasure.

 "You were sleeping quite comfortably while I bothered to come at the

appointed hour."

 "It's like, you've got to put people down even when you don't have to?"

 As Subaru talked back, he broke out in a cold sweat at having unintentionally

slept. He'd gone as far as to hurt himself to stay awake and to keep his guard

up.

 "Sleeping on the all-important fourth day. Maybe I really do have a death

wish."

 "Would you cease your muttering, I wonder? There are more appropriate

places for it."

 Beatrice, looking down and watching as Subaru lightly poked himself, sat on

her stool as she spoke. Seeing her in her usual position like that, Subaru realized

something was off and looked all around.

 —He was already in the archive when he awoke.

 "Well, this is a surprise. Did you carry me in my sleep?"

 "I would not like to spend time in a room filled with that scent of yours, I

suppose. This archive is my place and none other's. Could you behave yourself

while here, I wonder?"

 Subaru decided that Beatrice's actions, taken without asking him, had

improved his situation.

 Beatrice's Passage would keep an assailant from narrowing down Subaru's

location. Surely Rem had no sure means of breaching the Passage herself.

 "You actually thought this out, huh?"

 "Do not just sit on the floor mumbling. Would you like to be swatted like an

insect, I wonder?"

 Oh, so that's what you're reading, said Subaru, looking at the pages open

before Beatrice as he stuck out his tongue.

 Apparently, thinking of this as consideration would be overstating the case.

Subaru rose from the floor, abruptly staring at his own two hands.

 An odd sensation remained. Someone had held his hand as he slept, hadn't—

 "Hey Beatrice, don't tell me you held my hand while I was asleep?"

 "I won't be telling you such a thing, I suppose. I would not, even if Puckie

asked me to."

 "What a thing to say… But hey, at least we can die together!"

 "No. Absolutely not."

 Beatrice, rather sour, tapered her lips as Subaru looked around the room

once more.

 The archive, filled with books as usual, lacked any convenient place to sit.

 "How am I supposed to kill time in here…?"

 With the time limit so close, his anxiety and stress were heightened; it was an

open question as to how long he could keep his cool. If he could just immerse

his head into something and forget the passage of time— "Oh, right. Are there

any books here written just in I-script?"

 "—To think that you cannot read but the simplest things. How many humans

 do you think would cry with joy at just the thought of entering the Mathers

family's archive of forbidden books?"

 "Well, I do feel bad for them… So what, you're here full time?"

 Subaru had never seen Beatrice walking about except at mealtimes. Aside

from the exception of her having visited his room the day before, Beatrice was

always in the archive on her stool.

 Beatrice lowered her head a little at Subaru's question.

 "Such is the pact I have made."

 "Another pact, huh? Maybe I shouldn't say this when you're helping me, but

isn't it rough?"

 Beatrice closed her eyes and spoke as if to cut off all further inquiry.

 "All the pacts, they are things I desire, I suppose."

 He'd heard the term pact several times since arriving in that world, always

with heavy overtones.

 Beatrice spoke the word with the same weight as Emilia and Puck did for the

spiritual pact they had. Subaru appreciated as much, having formed one

temporarily with Beatrice himself.

 Beatrice looked so young, yet here she was, in and upholding a pact—for

some reason, Subaru felt something like an unendurable ache deep in his chest

when he looked at her.

 "Hey, are you really fine with all— Whoa!"

 "Your questions are becoming annoying. You can read something and be

quiet, I suppose."

 She underscored her statement by tossing a book at him. When Subaru

caught it, he realized that the book he'd caught was written in I-script, down to

the title.

 When Subaru lifted his face, Beatrice had already lost interest in him,

lowering her eyes to the book in her own hands, making a show of declining

conversation.

 She seemed to be strenuously insisting that he leave his half-asked question

unfinished.

 While her demeanor left no room for words of thanks, Subaru was grateful

and happy.

5.7

Time in the archive of forbidden books passed gently and quietly.

 With neither exchanging words, only the sounds of the pages being softly

turned echoed within the archive.

 That said, Subaru's heart wasn't into reading at the time; all he was doing was

turning the same page over and back again, making the same page sound like a

prank.

 —Shut in the archive of forbidden books, he had no way to know what was

going on outside.

 Beyond the room not having windows, the very nature of the archive was to

be in a separate space, locked off from the outside world.

 He had no way to tell the time of day or feel the passage of time. He

wondered what time it was by then.

 By simple logic, being in the room for half a day would get him through the

problematic night. But he had only a vague sense of just how much time had

passed while he'd been in the archive.

 He couldn't trust his own senses, but he also hesitated to ask Beatrice.

 It wasn't for any reason as simple as not wanting to stop Beatrice while she

focused on her reading. Subaru was afraid that any action he initiated might stir

up something.

 His fingers turning the pages of the book were numb. The tip of his tongue

begged for water.

 His heart was beating like an alarm bell. He was out of breath.

 How long could he remain strong against such tension, he wondered?

 If the start had been so brutal, the end might be without any warning

whatsoever.

 A murmur abruptly echoed through the silent archive.

 "—Calling."

 Subaru's face seemed to leap up as Beatrice put down her book and slid her

legs onto the floor.

 Rather than speaking to Subaru, it felt like she was murmuring to herself.

 "A call for me, I suppose?"

 Beatrice waved a finger as she spoke. The next moment, Subaru's whole body

felt ill as space bent.

 Subaru made a small moan as his entire body shuddered from the sensation

that most resembled floating. Hearing this, Beatrice looked at Subaru as if only

just remembering he was there.

 "Ah, you were there, weren't you? I forgot, I suppose?"

 "That's a bad joke, forgetting about a guy right in front of your face…"

 "—Puckie is calling. It would seem this is an urgent matter."

 With that as Subaru's only warning, Beatrice strode past him to the door like

it was the natural and obvious thing to do. Subaru's voice shook as he called out

to stop her.

 "W-wait, hold on! If you go out now…"

 "You can stay shut in here if you like. Perhaps you will be safe here?"

 Beatrice left behind her words of obvious sarcasm as she passed through the

door. Subaru, blood rushing to his head from her attitude, seemed to kick away

his chair as he leapt up and reached toward the door. He'd hesitated for only a

few seconds, but…

 "Aw, to hell with it. What's the big deal, right?!"

 Spurring himself on with the foul-mouthed statement, he roughly opened the

door and stepped outside.

 The next moment, it hit him.

 "Ah—"

 Without thinking, Subaru's voice leaked out of his lips like a complete idiot.

 His hand shielded his eyes from the piercing sunlight of the morn that greeted

him.

 Deeply moved, he waved his hand in the air as if to confirm it. Subaru's body

wobbled forward toward the window just on the opposite side of the corridor

that peeked out over the inner garden—beyond which the sun had just begun

its rise.

 It was the morning of the fifth day that he'd yearned for but had never

reached.

 "You mean…I made it? Past the fourth night…?!"

 Unable to believe the result before his eyes, he pushed open the window,

almost pounding it.

 Holding down his hair as a cool breeze blew in, Subaru took a breath of the

fresh morning air.

 He stumbled, bumped his back against the wall, and slid down, having lost the

will to stand.

 He could do nothing but stare in shock.

 He'd given up. He'd surrendered to despair. He'd been worn to the bone.

 And yet, Subaru had passed beyond the fourth day and arrived at the fifth.

 "Ha-ha-ha…"

 Without realizing it, a dry laugh came over him.

 Once it began, he knew no way to stop it.

 "Heh-heh, ha-ha-ha. What is this? Hey, what is this? This is just… Ha-ha…"

 He couldn't think of any rational way to show how he felt at that moment.

 Hugging his knees, Subaru remained squatting in the hallway, laughing like a

madman.

 He thought it was a far-off place that his hand would never reach.

 He couldn't speak. He couldn't find the words. Finally, Subaru had—

 Suddenly, a voice like a bell interrupted Subaru's hollow joy.

 "—Subaru?"

 Lifting his gaze in annoyance, he saw a silver-haired girl standing deeper in the

hall—Emilia. He was able to find her safe and sound, here on the morn of the

fifth day.

 Both of them had gotten past the fourth night. That fact made Subaru

tremble.

 He'd hoped for this chance. If the morning of the fifth day greeted both of

them, they could rekindle that promise and have it granted.

 He'd introduce Emilia to the kids in the village, they'd both walk around the

blooming flower garden together, they'd form the same memories together—

and yet…

 "Emilia…?"

 Subaru began feeling a sense of accomplishment that barely seemed real

while Emilia watched him in silence. Then, as if Emilia had remembered

something, she rushed over to Subaru.

 "Subaru, where did you go?"

 "Er, I…"

 "I mean… No, that's fine. It's fine, just…come with me."

 Emilia pulled up Subaru with surprising insistence and ran off with him. She

looked like she wasn't going to take no for an answer as a smirk came over his

face.

 "Where are we going… Hey, Emilia, listen to me. I've worked really hard to get

to this point…"

 Subaru stared at the side of Emilia's face as he tried to find the words to

convey his success.

 "Why are you making a face like that? I mean, it all turned out all right…didn't

 it? I'm safe and sound, and you're… Yeah. Let's go to the village…together, and

then…"

 "—"

 "There's lots I want to do with you and talk about with you. A lot's happened.

I wanted you to know th—"

 "—Subaru."

 With one brief call of his name, she interrupted him. That was when he

noticed the momentary wavering in her eyes, the irritation she could no longer

conceal.

 The look she had was like when they'd been fighting for their lives at the

fence's shop.

 "What in the world h—"

 Happened, he tried to ask but couldn't. For before he could put the word on

his lips, a different sound slammed into his eardrums.

 —He thought it was a yell. Perhaps it was a wail instead.

 It was a long, high-pitched sound filled with sadness that scarred the very

soul.

 The morning air of the manor was rent by the unending cry of pain, as if

someone were being torn asunder.

 They passed through the corridor and headed up the stairs. The east wing of

the second floor of the manor was for the servants' bedrooms, where Subaru's

room on previous loops had been.

 Emilia led him by hand to the innermost room. And there stood…

 "Roswaal and…"

 …The man with long indigo hair narrowed his eyes as he saw both rushing

over. Beside Roswaal stood Beatrice, leaning her back against the wall as a gray

cat curled up on her shoulder.

 With the three of them having arrived, Subaru was about to ask about the

circumstances when Roswaal spoke simply.

 "Inside."

 Roswaal motioned to the open door of a bedroom beside him.

 When Subaru turned toward Emilia, she nodded to him as well. Emilia's clear

violet eyes settled things for him.

 Holding his breath, Subaru walked in.

 Here, too, the yell continued unceasingly, filling the whole of the room.

Subaru entered, his eyes wide open, frozen from tension—and then he saw.

 It was an immaculately preserved room. It looked like a girl's room with

minimal furnishings employed to maximum effect, a reflection of a steadfast

maid's personality.

 Though Subaru had received an identical room, it felt different.

 For a moment, such feelings let Subaru forget the sight before his eyes. But

the moment passed as the horrible truth crashed upon him, a truth from which

he found nowhere to run.

 "AaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAaaaaA—!"

 It was Ram yelling, tears pouring out, her deep sadness threatening to rip her

throat asunder.

 —And there lay Rem, still clinging to her older sister when she had breathed

her final breath.

5.8

How many times had his mind gone blank from what he'd experienced?

 How many times had he come face-to-face with tragedy beaten into him?

 Wasn't it time someone saved him from this?

 "—"

 The blue-haired girl lay upon the bed, no longer breathing. Her skin was pale;

her eyes would never open again. She was dressed in a delicate negligee that

somehow seemed perfect on her.

 Subaru abruptly realized that he hadn't seen Rem out of a maid uniform once.

 "Why did…Rem…"

 As Subaru murmured, brushing his short hair back with his hand, he fell to his

knees.

 His head hurt. His brain came up with the wonderful suggestion that the sight

before him was all in his sleep-deprived imagination.

 This was his fourth loop at the manor. To Subaru, who'd already died and

gone back three times, Rem was the person he was most wary of.

 "Then why…why was Rem killed…?"

 Surely it was Rem who killed Subaru, not the other way around.

 Suddenly, a little devil on Subaru's shoulder whispered—maybe she wasn't

really dead?

 Maybe it was all a trick, a trick to make Subaru drop his guard? A joke in

exceptionally poor taste was incomparably better than the nightmare before

him being real.

Illustration 8

 He approached Rem to check her pulse, but…

 "—Don't touch her!"

 As he reached out to touch Rem, his hand was slapped away, hard.

 When Subaru yelped and looked up, Ram was glaring angrily at him. The tear-

filled rage on her face easily drowned out any words of retort Subaru might

have used.

 "Don't…touch my little sister!"

 She refused to let anyone come between them.

 With a tearful voice, Ram repeated herself as she clung to Rem's body, tears

flowing quietly down her face.

 There was no sign that the devoted, pain-filled older sister expected her little

sister to ever awaken.

 That made the truth clear.

 —Rem really was dead.

 As Subaru wobbled out of the room, Roswaal stood by the doorway and

voiced his deductions.

 "Appaaarently, death by debilitation. Her vigor was stolen as she slept, her

heartbeat gennntly slowed, and the fire of her life puttered out, likely the work

of a curse rather than magic per se."

 Subaru's eyes snapped open at the word curse, the word for what the clown

believed to be the cause of death.

 Death by debilitation via a curse: that was the direct cause of Subaru's deaths

during the first and second loop. In other words, Rem had died from the same

curse that had previously killed Subaru.

 "But I thought the curse came from Rem…"

 The second loop, Subaru had died from debilitation via curse as well as having

his head smashed by an iron ball.

 Subaru had deduced from that night's circumstances that the witchcraft and

 the iron ball were linked. But Rem herself being killed by a curse had ripped his

hypothesis to shreds.

 "Then the shaman and Rem are separate…?"

 Subaru's mind was in chaos as the thought of a new, separate shaman arose.

 Rem had slain Subaru out of loyalty to Roswaal. At the very least, that was the

only answer if Rem's words during the third loop were true.

 He wondered if Rem, who'd killed him by her own hand, and the shaman

were connected somehow. But if that was the case, Rem being killed this time

around made no sense whatsoever from the shaman's point of view.

 So maybe Rem and the shaman weren't connected to begin with…?

 The first time, the magic of a shaman had slain Subaru; the second time, the

shaman's spell had debilitated Subaru when Rem murdered him for whatever

reason. The third loop, Rem had eliminated him with no connection to the

shaman whatsoever.

 "The fourth time…I didn't do anything, so Rem was the target instead…?"

 It was baseless supposition, but based on the circumstantial evidence, it was

the only reasonable conclusion.

 If Subaru had been the target for reasons related to the royal succession, he

could understand it as an indiscriminate preemptive strike against Emilia's side.

The victim, be it Subaru or Rem, was random.

 "You appear to be in raaather deep, serious thought?"

 The mismatched blue and yellow eyes looked down, reflecting Subaru in

them. Subaru's eyes rose as he felt like Roswaal's scrutinizing gaze was seeing

into his very soul.

 "It pains me to ask such a thing…but do you have aaany idea about what

happened, good guest?"

 "Wh-why would you think…I…"

 "Myyy, forgive my rudeness. I am simply somewhat…displeased at the

moment, that one of my pretty retainers has suffered such a fate, you see?"

 Roswaal abruptly shifted his gaze from Subaru to the painful sight inside the

room.

 Looking at the side of his face, it truly sank in to Subaru just how precarious

his situation had become.

 Subaru had no way to prove his innocence. This time, Subaru had done

nothing to earn the slightest smidgen of trust from the others.

 Emilia tugged on his sleeve, speaking with an anxious voice.

 "…Subaru."

 When he looked, the shimmer in her violet eyes seemed to be pleading with

him: If you know anything, please say it.

 Her eyes and her calling his name told him that much.

 The implication of answering Emilia's earnest request hit Subaru hard.

 He'd have loved to tell everyone what he knew. He wanted to shout it at the

very top of his lungs.

 When Subaru made no reply, Emilia's small fingers trembled a little as they

held his sleeve.

 He'd thought that repeating the past would lead to a better future, yet here

he was, every silver lining having a dark cloud, with the outcomes worse than

he ever imagined possible.

 "Subaru…"

 Confusion clawed at the inside of his head. He'd thought that it would all be

swept aside and things would be better someday.

 No, he thought they'd become better already.

 —And the moment he thought it, this happened.

 "—"

 The moment he pictured the black cloud and the world stopping, ceaseless

pain gripped his head.

 His breath caught. The sensation of Emilia touching his sleeve made Subaru's

 stomach twist in pain.

 If Emilia kept her pleading look trained on him, Subaru's heart would falter.

Even if he didn't, Puck, able to read emotions, could easily expose the fact that

Subaru was hiding something. But still, Subaru couldn't explain anything about

Return by Death.

 And that meant the torture would continue, pain without end, over and over.

 He felt his tongue quickly dry. Unable to resist his urge to flee, he took a small

step back.

 "—If you know anything, you'll never escape me."

 To the girl crying her eyes out inside the room, Subaru's small action looked

like nothing more than an attempt to flee for his own convenience.

 Instantly, a raging gust of wind made the door violently shake, its passage

blowing Subaru's hair down flat. The moment after the sudden gust made him

close his eyes, a sharp pain heralded a vertical cut on his cheek.

 "Ow…!"

 He immediately touched his cheek, moistening his palm with blood. Wind.

The wind had wounded him.

 From within the room, Ram was shooting Subaru a hate-filled look as she

trained her palm toward him.

 "If you know something, spill it!"

 "Wait, Ram! I…!"

 Can't, Subaru was about to say, but the word died instantly on his lips, since

he knew what would befall him.

 But he was coming up empty for any way to kick that can down the road.

 With Subaru holding his tongue, Ram shot him another gust of wind as a

warning of what would follow.

 Had he been able to calmly assess the matter, he would have called it a Blade

of Wind.

 Wind magic—magic that inflicted cuts like the whirlwind monsters of lore.

 The sharp slice had enough power to leave a cut on the floor between Subaru

and Rem, slice the door in half, and stop right at Subaru's cheek; such was the

power she threatened him with.

 If that hit him full force—faced with the phenomenon before his eyes, Subaru

forgot to breathe. But Beatrice extended her cream-colored palm in front of

Subaru and countered the Blade of Wind.

 "—I am one who keeps her promises."

 She gave her raised palm a small shake, as if that were no great feat, as she

looked back at Ram.

 "I have made a promise to protect this man from harm while he stays at the

manor."

 "Lady Beatrice…!"

 Whereas Beatrice's demeanor was elegant, Ram bit her tongue with indignant

anger.

 As Ram raged to the side, Beatrice looked up at Roswaal, still standing right

beside them.

 "Roswaal. Your maid is being quite rude to your guest."

 "Certainly. I find that sinceeerely unfortunate. If possible, I wooould like to

welcome him anew as my guest, as soon as he breathes out what he is holding

within, to feel all the lighter."

 "How could he be involved in this matter, I wonder? He was in the archive of

forbidden books all night."

 "This is too grave a matter to simply drop. Surely you cooomprehend this?"

 With negotiations having failed, Roswaal shrugged and raised his palms into

the air. Subaru saw the multiple orbs of differing colors that floated from his

palms.

 They were red and blue, yellow and green—even Subaru, untrained in the

ways of magic, understood that those four colors represented magical power.

Their beautiful glows contained energy beyond his imagination.

 "It is just like you to engage in petty tricks. Just because you have a little

talent, a little more power than others, a pedigree just a little finer than others,

you need to flaunt in others' faces… You are quite a child, I will have you know."

 "How very haaarsh of you. Is the difference between we, who walk about

normally, and you, passing time in a room where time has stopped, sooo great?

Perhaaaps we should put it to the test."

 He could feel the magical tension between them making the very air twist.

Subaru was becoming a third wheel as hostility rose.

 "Hooowever, to think that you would go through such trouble…are you truly

sooo fond of him?"

 "Your jokes are in as poor taste as your makeup, Roswaal. Puckie is my ideal

partner. That human cannot match such lovely fur."

 Beatrice looked defenseless as she stood before Roswaal's four glowing,

floating balls.

 However, the "simply standing" girl projected something around her so

powerful that it made the air itself bend. Something invisible but frightening

was about her.

 As the situation became explosive, with both wielders of supernatural power

glaring at each other, Ram's shrill voice wedged itself between them.

 "Who cares about that? Who cares?!"

 Everyone looked at her as she stormed over, hands holding the hem of her

skirt.

 "Let me through and do not interfere. If you know something, say it, all of it.

Help…help me avenge her!"

 It was a sad, painful plea. The words gripped Subaru's heart. He truly wanted

to tell her what she wanted to know.

 But Subaru had no words to offer her.

 Ram shot Subaru a despondent, despairing glare. Emilia stood beside

Beatrice, as if they were both shielding Subaru from her hostile gaze.

 "I'm sorry, Ram. I still believe in Subaru."

 Emilia put her palm toward Ram to hold her in check while looking back at

Subaru from the corner of her eye. Her eyes wavered, trying to find the words,

before dropping for but a moment.

 "Subaru, please. If there's something you can do for Ram and Rem…please."

 Her compassion made Subaru feel more ashamed.

 Emilia had sided with Subaru, even in such extreme circumstances, even

though Subaru had said such horrible things to her at the start of the week,

even though he was still holding his tongue in silence…

 "I'm sorry—!"

 As if crushing Emilia's concerns under his heel, Subaru stepped not forward

but back.

 In that instant, Emilia's eyes went silent as her emotions raced. They spoke of

shock, sorrow and, above all, unbearable disappointment that her trust was

about to be betrayed.

 What Subaru truly saw in Emilia's eyes was his own despair. He knew his

actions had opened the door to a nightmare and could never be taken back.

 That was when Subaru, no longer able to meet Emilia's eyes, turned his back

on her.

 Instantly, Emilia reached out toward his back. But this was to block the Blade

of Wind before it reached Subaru.

 The wind crashed against pure magical power; mana bounced off mana as

Subaru ran.

 "Subaru—!"

 Shaking off the voice trying to stop him, Subaru rushed down the corridor in a

daze. He felt the magical confrontation behind him increasing in severity, but

Subaru lacked the courage to look back.

 He was weak. He was fragile, unable to do anything.

 That was why he'd run out on Emilia, who'd trusted him after all that, and

 Beatrice, who'd tried to save his life, spurning their goodwill and good

intentions.

 He didn't know what to do anymore. What he did know was that Ram

shouted behind him like she was spitting blood— "—I'LL KILL YOU!!"

 Having lost her other half, the girl pursued him with a cry that threatened to

tear her asunder.

 Covering his ears, shaking his head, making wordless sounds, Subaru ran. He

ran.

 And he kept running.

5.9

With his attention devoted solely to running, he didn't know how much time

had passed. Out of breath, his knees begging for mercy, sweat dripping down

his chin, he kept running. If he didn't keep running, the incoherent emotions

following behind him might catch up.

 And when they caught up with him, this time everything would be finished.

 Ram's sad, painful yell, and the malice and hatred it contained, still rang in his

ears.

 He couldn't go back.

 Now that he'd run, Ram and Roswaal would not spare him; surely Emilia and

Puck could no longer trust him for keeping his mouth shut. Beyond that, he'd

abandoned Beatrice despite forming a pact with her. She would not be his ally

any longer.

 "I can't help it…! I want to…but I can't!"

 He didn't know how it'd come to this. He didn't know what he'd done wrong.

 Subaru didn't know what he might do so that the world would forgive him.

 "After it was…so much fun…!"

 Suddenly greeted by another world, he'd had no choice but to live within it.

For Subaru, surrounded by a vast desert of anxiety, the manor that had

 welcomed Subaru had been his oasis.

 Those beloved days, that beloved time, which didn't amount to a single week,

seemed so far from Subaru in that moment.

 He'd redone, he'd relived, and the world had sunk its fangs into him.

 —Can't do it anymore.

 Suddenly, that was the murmur that arose in the back of his mind.

 —There wasn't any point in trying anymore.

 Bewitched by his own voice pleading with him to give in, his pace relented.

 If he did as the words said, it really would be easier, he thought. Subaru, after

all, was the type of person who looked for the easiest solution to any situation.

 It wasn't just Subaru. That's what people in general did. When faced with two

unpalatable choices, they looked for a third way.

 Who could blame him for feeling like there was a third, Heaven-sent option?

 Blood suddenly drained from his head, making his heart, beating so

powerfully, feel distant.

 His limbs grew heavy; he found himself dragging his feet as if they were

rejecting him.

 "—"

 It was right around when he stopped that he noticed the trees all around him.

He was in the forest. Having rushed out of the mansion, he'd apparently gone

off the road to the village, getting himself lost on a mountain path.

 The gloom from the sky being blocked off and the briars all around him made

Subaru think it resembled where he'd died the third time around.

 The instant he recalled his own death, the third choice hit him in the face.

 "If I die…"

 —Would it save him?

 "Yeah, that's right. If I die, this'll change."

 When he said it with his own lips, they formed a smile as if there could be no

 finer idea.

 He'd died three times. He'd arrived at the fourth world, where he failed at

anything and everything.

 This time he'd valued only his life. This time, his life was the only thing he had

left.

 What was the meaning of continuing to struggle and struggle if this was the

result?

 "If you're gonna do it, do it already. It doesn't matter what happens to me

anymore…"

 Biting his lip, he aired his bitter hatred of the situation he'd become wrapped

in.

 The blue sky unfolded before Subaru's eyes, reflecting his hate right back.

And…

 "…A cliff."

 Surely this was made-to-order by God himself.

 Answering that one prayer surely meant there was a Heaven he should be

grateful for.

 —So that the foolish and pathetic Subaru Natsuki could find peace.

 The cliff seemed to invite him as he headed toward it, wobbling and dragging

his feet.

 The wind was strong. Using the sleeve of his jacket to shield himself from the

strong headwind, Subaru stood at the cliff's edge, peering into the blue sky

beyond. Below him was a precipice with a face lined with sharp rocks, a drop

dozens of meters onto a rocky place below. If he fell from this height, nothing

would greet him but death.

 Subaru panted heavily as he looked down at the rocks below, able to acutely

picture his own death.

 He heard the loud heartbeat he had forgotten once more. His lungs let out

the air they'd been holding. His entire body was drenched with sweat, making

 Subaru feel cold as he closed his eyes.

 —If he kept his eyes closed and took one step forward, it'd all be over.

 Subaru wondered what would happen if he died this time.

 Would he return to the first day at the manor and begin the loop anew? He

thought he wouldn't mind.

 If he did actually return to the first day, Emilia would be there, and so would

Ram, Rem, everyone. Subaru would work as a servant, see everyone's faces,

and die peacefully in his sleep on the fourth day.

 If he continued that over and over, at least Subaru would be immersed in a

little day-to-day peace.

 It seemed like a good plan. If he could not hope for greater salvation, death

wasn't so bad, he thought.

 "—"

 And yet, Subaru's body, standing atop the cliff, did not move forward. Only his

knees moved—to shake.

 He reached down to stop his knees from trembling, collapsing the moment his

hips bent. Falling to his knees, it was as if he were prostrating himself before

the sky. Subaru bit his lip at how pathetic he was.

 "Just one step… I can't even do…one simple thing…"

 —Perhaps he simply lacked the courage.

 Even under pursuit, he lost to his impulses, too indecisive to put it into action.

 His resolve and determination were so frail it was funny; Subaru could only

remain on his knees and cry.

 He didn't know why he should live, yet he was too afraid of death to die.

 Subaru wailed, clawing at the ground at how truly pathetic and unsightly he

was.

 He continued to weep and mourn his own wretchedness until his endurance

finally gave out.

5.10

Subaru thought that the scene he saw while unconscious was a nightmare.

 He was in a well-lit room, at a dining table with Emilia. Roswaal was in the

seat of honor, with Beatrice there pouring black tea to Puck, his head diving

into a plate right beside her.

 Emilia chided Puck for kidding around at the dining table, and Rem wove in

and out, performing her duties, while Ram attended to Roswaal, ignoring all

else.

 Subaru just laughed. The others laughed with him.

 —And so, he saw a nightmare full of happiness and warmth.

 It was a bitter dream, a dream that brought sadness and a sense of wrenching

loss.

 His soul whittled down to the point of pain, Subaru's agony made him forget

to breathe.

 "—"

 Suddenly, his face eased.

 He realized someone was holding his hand.

 The warmth conveyed to his palm seemed to push aside his negative

emotions.

 Then, he saw a light.

 A white light. A dazzling light. A light that seemed to guide his consciousness

back to—

5.11

 "—Are you finally awake?"

 When Subaru opened his eyes, the orange sky of the setting sun was right in

front of him.

 He realized, too, that he'd passed out on the ground lying face up. He

 recalled, too, what he'd been thinking about just before, as if it had consumed

his consciousness.

 —Namely, that he'd chickened out from suicide, wept shamelessly, and fell

asleep from exhaustion.

 It was too shameful to be funny or pitiable. He'd acted like a baby. No, Subaru

was far lower than a baby, for they had no capacity to sin.

 "Could you say something, I wonder?"

 "…Something."

 "What an old, rotten joke. You are quite something, joking with that glum

face."

 Beatrice spat out a bitter reply as she tossed aside the hand of Subaru's she

was touching.

 Beatrice was wearing the same dress as always, something that looked

extremely out of place on top of the cliff. It was like a landscape painting where

a lone little girl stood out.

 "…No sane person goes hiking dressed like that."

 "I had no intention of hiking in rustic mountains to begin with. Perhaps you

should not have fled to a place like this and cried yourself to sleep?"

 Beatrice was waving the sleeve of her dress, making her annoyed statement,

when Subaru realized just what Beatrice was doing outside the manor, to the

point of showing up all the way over here.

 "Why…?"

 "Why what, I wonder?"

 "Why did you come? I…"

 —While Beatrice had honored her pact to protect Subaru, he could tell her

nothing.

 Seeing Subaru's words catching, Beatrice made a sour, exasperated face and

snorted.

 "I made a pact to keep you safe. Having you toss yourself off a cliff to kill

 yourself would be an affront to my dignity."

 "Weren't you supposed to be my bodyguard only till…this morning?"

 "—I do not recall saying anything about a time limit. You assumed incorrectly

that there was one, I suppose."

 Subaru groped through his memories while Beatrice, looking at him out of

one eye, glanced away. Beatrice was using that contradiction between their

"assumptions" about the details to continue her pact with Subaru.

 It suddenly struck Subaru how a girl with a viper's tongue and a foul-

tempered horse's personality like Beatrice could show such deep compassion.

 Beatrice had not forsaken him. If that was true, then just maybe—maybe he

didn't have to give up?

 "This is no time for vain hopes."

 "—!"

 Beatrice shook her head, pouring cold water on Subaru's easy way out.

 "You cannot regain what you have lost. There is little more I can do for you.

You can no longer explain things to the older sister. You threw away that

chance."

 "I—!"

 I'd have told her if I could, he wanted to shout.

 Subaru would have confessed all and pled for forgiveness if his heart wouldn't

have been crushed in the process.

 Not because it would help Ram—he knew it wouldn't. Simply for his own

peace of mind.

 "At a time like this. Am I an idiot?…Yeah, I'm an idiot."

 Subaru had come this far by putting on a face, apologizing, pleading,

protecting himself over and over. And now, he'd been driven to the top of a

cliff, physically and mentally, with nowhere to run.

 Run, run, run, and run some more was exactly how Subaru had arrived at this

point.

 "If you know I can't go back…what do you plan on doing for me?"

 "At the very least, I will have you die where I cannot see, so as not to disturb

my dreams, I suppose. If you wish to flee, I shall take you beyond this domain."

 Beatrice's kindness, wrapped in severity, cut deeply into his heart.

 Beatrice's expression was cold, her gaze acidic, as if beholding an annoyance.

Even so, the kindness of the intent behind her words struck Subaru like none

other.

 No doubt Beatrice spoke the truth. If he desired to flee, she would agree and

aid him. He didn't know what waited for him after fleeing. But it couldn't get

any worse than this.

 His own foolishness having wrecked his oasis, what was wrong with throwing

away everything and running?

 "—"

 Blood trickled a little from the painful cut left on his cheek by the Blade of

Wind.

 Touching the wound, Subaru realized too late that he'd felt its kind before.

Subaru's very soul remembered its sharpness.

 When he had been fleeing from Rem in the mountains, a Blade of Wind had

severed Subaru's right leg at the knee. As he touched the wound, Subaru's

instincts told him it was the same magic.

 "The magic that gouged out my neck at the end, too…? So they…double-

teamed me…"

 His late understanding of how he had died deepened the silent despair in his

heart.

 Even now, he could still hear Ram's hate-filled roar, her heartrending wails

from losing Rem.

 That was the moment. That was the point of no return.

 Subaru ought to have never fled the manor. Even if he didn't have the resolve

to endure the pain, he should have faced Ram and spoken to her.

 He'd missed his chance, and now their hearts were separated forever.

 Having let it slip through his hands once, Subaru could never have it back.

 —At least, in that world.

 With a low, gloomy voice, Beatrice interrupted his silent contemplation.

 "The older sister endured for the younger. The younger sister lived for the

older. Neither could exist without the other."

 Beatrice ran her fingers through her own ornate hair, not looking back at

Subaru as she continued to speak.

 "Now that one half is lost, the whole can never return. Roswaal is unlikely to

forgive it, either."

 "What do you mean by that? What do you know…?"

 He felt like she was avoiding something. Something really important.

 Subaru urged Beatrice to share her true thoughts. But she moved her fingers

from her hair to Subaru's sleeve, tugging and gently pulling him to the ground

as she extended her foot.

 Subaru was in shock at how he seemed to flow right onto the ground.

Beatrice tossed back her hair.

 "Does it truly matter to you, I wonder? These last four days, you spent most

of your time holed up in your room and had little contact with them. Would the

older sister let you press her about these matters now? I think not. It has

nothing to do with you."

 "It's not like…!"

 Like I don't know anything about them, he would have said, but Subaru's

words died on his tongue.

 His repeated loops had given him more than two weeks of time with them.

Subaru could have responded that he'd forged memories with them during the

time that this Beatrice knew nothing about, but he did not, for he suddenly

realized something.

 Subaru realized it was possible he knew nothing of Ram and Rem, not their

 true faces, their feelings, or the bond between them, just as Beatrice had

stated.

 Subaru wondered what he really had learned about them during those first

three lives.

 What was the point of Subaru feeling such loss and despair when he didn't

truly know anything about them? Was it all really just a bad dream?

 What was it that Subaru could draw on to refute Beatrice, who looked sternly

down at Subaru at that very moment? Or did Subaru not know anything, not a

single thing, about the two of them?

 Even though he'd thought of them as precious people he wanted to protect…

 "So in the end, I got worked up and pathetic all on my own, not knowing, not

understanding anything…?"

 —It has nothing to do with you.

 Subaru knew nothing. He'd beaten away all his chances. He had nothing left

but the skin on his back.

 Within the darkness covering his eyes, the memories of the days he'd spent at

the manor broke apart, one by one, into dust. Subaru's heart, too, shattered.

 Lying on his back, Subaru put his palms to his face and wailed at his own

powerlessness.

 Had it all been a utopia beyond his reach from the beginning? Was everything

Subaru had seen simply a dream, the time he'd spent there a mere illusion?

 Subaru looked like he was about to break out in tears when Beatrice called to

him.

 "…How long are you going to stay like that, I wonder? Stand before she finds

you."

 Impatient from Subaru still not moving, she roughly grabbed the palms

covering his face and yanked them up.

 As his field of vision opened, the lightweight girl used her entire weight to

haul Subaru to his feet.

 "—"

 The sensation conveyed by her palms took away his thoughts.

 Ignoring Beatrice's intent in rousing Subaru so insistently, he felt her palms,

weighing how they felt.

 "H-hey. What do you think y— Why so interested in my palms, I wonder?"

 "I've felt these hands before, just like this… Earlier, did you?"

 "…I shall regret it for the rest of my days. Perhaps you were simply too

wretched as you slept like that?"

 Abruptly, Beatrice looked away, giving him only her cheek. Subaru flexed his

hands several times, reflecting on the warm, peaceful sensation he'd felt from

them while he slept.

 —While Subaru had his nightmare. A dream with an agonizing sense of

despair and loss, over and over again.

 That hadn't been the only time he'd felt warmth when in pain. It'd happened

before— "Back then…someone held both my hands…"

 Beatrice suspiciously raised an eyebrow. Subaru brought not only his right

hand before him but his left as well.

 It was difficult for one person to hold both hands of someone who was

asleep. He doubted a single person could lie on a bed alongside another and

hold both hands without difficulty.

 "—"

 So why did he feel like both his hands had been held? The reason was simple.

 "Ram. Rem."

 Both had held Subaru's hands while he slept.

 It had been here on the fourth loop, before anything had happened at

Roswaal Manor. Seeing Subaru suffer as he slept, both of them had taken pity

on him and given him some small measure of compassion.

 "—"

 I will kill you, the hate-filled voice had cried out, her rage pounding into him

like a curse.

 The cruel words had scarred his heart. But more than that…

 "—Can't you make the crying stop?"

 It was Ram's sad cry of despair at having her other half ripped from her that

never left his ears.

 Some corner of Subaru's heart, which should have been shattered already,

cried out.

 —By nature, Subaru was the sort to pick the path of least resistance.

 He didn't want to feel pain, suffering, despair. Just the thought of living with

such burdens made him want to run.

 "What…stupid things am I thinking here…"

 For he thought he didn't want to run anymore. He wanted to do something.

 "I lived this time and everything…"

 His shameless plea to Beatrice had allowed him to reach the fifth day with

ease. It was the thought of what had greeted him that very day that settled

Subaru's decision.

 "That's right. My life's mine. That's why—"

 What was wrong with fighting for an easier, more enjoyable life?

 "—I'll decide how to use it."

 The moment Subaru said it, he crossed a line inside. There was no going back.

 Beatrice furrowed her brows at Subaru's words. However, before he could ask

her why she was doing that, her eyes looked toward the forest, full of caution.

 "—You dithered too much."

 Beatrice's regret-tinged words came as the rustle of the wind through the

forest's trees deepened. Mixed with the sounds of the swaying leaves, the

sound of footsteps reached Subaru's ears, too.

 He turned around. A girl with pink hair stood before him.

5.12

Ram, the forest at her back, glared at Subaru.

 "I've finally found you—you will go no farther."

 Pain swept over Subaru's heart as he beheld the look on Ram's face, thick

with hatred.

 As she stood there, Ram had none of her usual meticulous look. Branches had

torn and punctured her skirt; there was no sign of the headdress normally on

her head. Her pink hair, buffered by the wind, had lost its usual beauty.

 —The sisters dressed each other and did each other's hair.

 Subaru knew this. He remembered that they'd told him at some point.

 He knew several other secrets between the two sisters.

 "Would you relent, I wonder? So long as the pact is active, I cannot hold back

against anyone."

 "Lady Beatrice, it is you who should stand aside. I cannot hold back against

you, either."

 "A joke, I suppose. Did I hear you say to hold back in regards to me?"

 "Perhaps you have forgotten you are not in the mansion, Lady Beatrice? Do

you truly believe you can protect that man away from the archive, here in the

forest?"

 Subaru held his silence as the two girls continued to square off before him.

 Beatrice's words of regret proved that Ram's words were no empty boast.

Beatrice's strength came with limitations, and this situation was beyond them.

 Even so, Beatrice stubbornly refused to move, upholding her pact in front of

Subaru.

 From behind, Subaru reached out toward Beatrice. Then…

 "Boing…"

 He grabbed hold of the girl's two ornate hair rolls and pulled on them, hard.

 He let go. The large amount of hair bounced quite generously. Bouncy-bouncy

 —

 "Mm, that felt pretty good."

 "W-w-w-wh…"

 Her eyes wide open, her tongue quivering, Beatrice turned around, all

flustered.

 Subaru inclined his head slightly as he looked at her.

 "Mm?"

 "What are you doing, I wonder?! You have a death wish, I suppose?!"

 "Don't be silly. I don't wanna die one tiny bit. When you die, it should be one

time, to end your life for good. I truly believe that."

 As he spoke, he patted Beatrice on the shoulder and calmly walked past her.

 Straight ahead, Ram glared at Subaru's face with astonishment. As Subaru

walked before her, she heightened her guard, exhaling from pursed lips.

 "Quite some nerve. Finally resigned to your fate?"

 "Not exactly. More like…I decided to do something."

 Not understanding Subaru's intent, Ram scowled.

 "—What?"

 "Sorry. Because I was sloppy, I brought you girls so much sadness."

 "—! So you did do something to Rem…?!"

 "No, sorry, but I honestly don't know. There's so much I don't know. But…"

 Subaru's words trailed off as he took a moment to breathe.

 "There's so much I don't know, but I think I know one thing now."

 "—What's the point?!"

 Ram shouted back, unable to accept Subaru's display of resolve as anything

but childish games.

 Ram swung down a foot, kicking the earth like she was stamping her feet.

 "Rem's already dead! There's no taking that back! What good is it that you

 know something now?!"

 "I'm not gonna say I can do anything. It's because I couldn't do anything that

things ended up like this. I know more than anyone that's not gonna convince

anyone."

 He wasn't being defiant. Even now, regret deeply pierced his heart.

 He hated himself for his own stupidity and weakness. If you could die from

shame, he might have been dead already.

 Still, his shameful behavior, his shameful living, his pathetic helplessness—

these had brought him to this place.

 And, thus, to his conclusion.

 "And what is it you know about Rem and me?!"

 "…You have a point. I don't know any of the important stuff between you.

But…"

 Subaru had spent almost twenty days together with them. They didn't know

that, and he was unable to tell them.

 But Subaru remembered.

 Even if they had forgotten, Subaru's soul remembered. He'd seen them.

Laughed with them. Spent time with them.

 The worlds Subaru had walked with Ram and Rem—those worlds really had

existed.

 Which was why—

 "There's no way you girls knew this, but…"

 "What…"

 "—I! Love! Both of you!"

 The blunt, worrywart big sister.

Illustration 9

 The sarcastic, superficially polite little sister.

 Subaru thought fondly of the days he had spent with both girls.

 They were precious memories to him, even though they had killed him more

than once.

 Enough that, if he had the choice to spend time with them once more, that

was a choice he would make.

 Subaru's shout made Ram open her eyes wide, freezing in shock.

 Of course it did.

 From Ram's point of view, Subaru's declaration was meaningless, empty

nonsense.

 Furthermore, he'd already abandoned them in an instant.

 Ram's thought process froze for only a moment. In the next instant, her body

thawed and leapt into action.

 But a momentary opening was an opening nonetheless.

 "—!"

 Subaru's sprint was just a moment faster than Ram's switch to anger-filled

attacking.

 Turning his back to Ram, Subaru rushed past Beatrice, his body moving like

the wind—making a beeline toward the cliff.

 "Wait—!"

 Behind him, a girl's high-pitched wail reached out.

 Subaru's mind never caught up to which girl's voice it was.

 He'd meant to be determined, but now his thought process was in tatters, like

someone had clawed it apart.

 His heart beat hard, but his body creaked all over, as if to betray his mind. His

limbs felt like leaden weights.

 He was running with all his might, but the world seemed to move in slow

motion. It was as if Subaru's mind were putting off the results of his change of

 heart as long as it possibly could.

 —So stupid. He was conflicted even then.

 He knew why. He'd tenaciously clung to living without shame to that point.

 Even when he'd wanted to die, he'd chickened out in the end, able only to fall

to his knees.

 But Subaru could do it now.

 "It's rude to Beatrice, huh…"

 With those words, Subaru voiced his final regret and left everything behind.

 He raced to the cliff. A few steps more. He was too scared to count them.

Pathetic. Insane. He had the urge to laugh. But he didn't laugh. He couldn't

laugh.

 All that he was leaving behind was a life of living death. To Subaru, giving up

on a future in that place meant he'd already died inside.

 If he could live as a dead man walking, he could do "something" with that life.

 And that decision, to do something instead of doing nothing, was one only

Subaru could make.

 "—I'm the only one who can do it."

 His feet left the ground. He clawed at the air. He could touch nothing. He

could reach nothing.

 So fast. The wind was strong. His eyes hurt. His head hurt. The ringing in his

ears was distant. He felt like he'd left behind his beating heart. He couldn't hear

the ringing. The ringing inside his skull was like a broken record.

 If it ended with his death, that was that.

 But if, if only he could go back, then…

 For she had cried out, "I'll kill you."

 If he could go back—

 "—I'll save you, I swear!"

 The moment after he voiced his determination, his head smashed into the

 hard ground.

 He heard the echo of something spectacularly breaking apart, and then

nothing.

 The hate-filled voice could not chase him any longer. Nothing could, not

anymore—

5.13

—All that was there was "nothingness."

 Absentmindedly, he looked around the nothingness of his mind.

 Perhaps looked around was not the proper phrase.

 Eyes did not exist within his mind. Nor did hands, nor feet, nor any pieces of

his body. All that remained was his incorporeal, floating mind.

 Knowing nothing, aware of nothing, he looked about.

 Darkness. A room with nothing.

 A room that was a world without a floor or a ceiling, covered in pitch-

blackness so great that it defied thought.

 Suddenly, in the world of everlasting darkness, there was meaning.

 A silhouette abruptly emerged in "front" of his mind.

 The contours of the silhouette were slender and as pitch-black as the rest, the

upper body more of a fog, rejecting his mind's recognition.

 With the emergence of the human shape, the mind gained its first strong

desire.

 He felt a breach in the cold as the shadow gently moved, as if to convey

something to his mind.

 He didn't understand. He was aware of nothing.

 But for some reason, his mind could not avert itself from the shadow— "—I

cannot meet you. Not yet."

 With that faint whisper, the dark world abruptly vanished, and in so doing,

 the shadow, and his mind, went with it.