For the first few seconds after she told me, I couldn't perceive anything. For all I knew, I couldn't see, think, or hear. My mind refused to process what I had just heard. In retrospect, I guess I should have been grateful to Nicole. What she just told me seemed to render my problems unimportant.
"He what?!" I finally managed to ask.
Nicole shrugged. "Phil kissed me." She said, a little bit too emotionlessly.
"I thought you… I didn't know… Were you…" I managed to say. This caused Nicole to gave me a soft chuckle.
"Oh, come on, you big baby." She remarked. "It's not that bad."
"But I didn't know you liked him or anything." I replied. "I didn't know you wanted him to kiss you!"
Nicole shifted where she was standing uncomfortably.
Within a second it dawned on me. "He kissed you without your consent, didn't he?"
Nicole was trying to make a point (whether it was to me or to herself, I wasn't sure) of not showing any emotion whatsoever. Wordlessly, with a blank face, she shrugged.
"You should have told him something! Are you okay?" I asked persistently.
"Yeah, of course I'm okay, squirt." she replied flatly.
"Why didn't you say anything to him after?" I asked her, coming a bit closer to her.
Again, she shrugged. "I dunno. It's like, I didn't want him to, but I never said it was bad either."
"Well, did you like it after?" I asked. For some reason, I didn't want her to say yes.
She shrugged yet again. "I dunno." She repeated.
Apparently I had to do all of the talking. "So… What's going to happen? Are you two gonna stay friends?"
Nicole shrugged again. Her shrugging actually got to me by this point. "Well, like, it did kinda feel…" she trailed off.
"Feel what?" I asked her. "He kissed you without making sure you were even okay with it. Why didn't you just shut him down?"
"I dunno." She replied. Her shoulders were going inwards at this point. She was clearly uncomfortable.
"He didn't threaten you or anything, did he?" I asked her.
Her eyes shot straight up at mine. "No! No, nothing like that."
"Then what? I asked her.
"I didn't say I didn't like it, okay?" She blurted out angrily, then immediately softened. "I just… I dunno how to feel right now. I just don't."
The most important thing I took from that was that Nicole was upset. Without a second thought, I walked up to her and put my hand on her shoulder. She looked up from the ground into my eyes with an unsure look on her face. Seconds later, we were wrapped in a tight hug.
"You going to be okay?" I asked her sympathetically.
"Oh, shut it." She replied angerlessly. We stayed in the hug, unmoving, until she decided to speak again. "I just… Look, I don't know my own feelings right now, okay?" She broke off the hug. "Phil asked me out for next Tuesday night, a week from now. I haven't answered yet, but… I dunno."
"Do what you feel is right and I'll support you." I told her seriously.
"I know, dumbass." She replied. "I just… I dunno. I dunno how to feel. He forced himself on me. He kissed me without me being okay with it. I shouldn't wanna do this."
"It's okay." Was all I could think to respond.
She gave me a sarcastic smile. "Thanks, I feel so much better." She dryly replied.
I shrugged. I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know what to make of the situation.
We stood in silence with the music echoing throughout the room for a solid ten seconds before Nicole spoke up again. "So… I wasn't the only one with news. What's up?"
Oh, crap. I wasn't sure whose news was worse for me. Suddenly, I really didn't want to tell her, and looked around at the room, as if something could have saved me from telling her. Recognizing defeat after realizing there was no other option, I spoke up, not quite knowing how to begin.
"Well… Okay, well…" I nervously began. Nicole was obviously impatient, but being a good sport, kept up an attentive face as I struggled. "Well, May, she… She kissed me today too."
"Woah, twinsies!" Nicole blurted out. She didn't smile at first, but after holding her hand out for a high five, let a small one slip. "You earned it, hotshot. Up top!"
"Yeah, well…" I started nervously.
Nicole lowered her hand. "What? Now you got guilt? Yeah, you were shallow, but you got her now, dude. Just treat her right and you'll forgive yourself. Just don't be a prick again."
"Well…" My word of the day. "Right after I did, Megan… Well, she was her kiss me and confronted us… She said everything… She saw us, Nicole, she fucking saw us!"
I was breathing heavily at this point, worrying that my panic attacks might be making a comeback. Nicole's expression, however, showed only confusion. Clearly what I just explained and what was in my head were two different things. With a few intakes of air, I slowed down and explained everything. Nicole sighed when my explanation was over. "Oh, boy." She said, her tone deciding not to show where she was going to go next.
"Squirt, let me level with you…" She began calmly, but lost that calmness immediately. "What were you thinking?! I told you to NOT be the asshole who hurts her. I'm not even sorry you lost May. You deserve it."
Fuck. That was the last thing I wanted to hear right now. With a tiny voice, I managed to ask, "Why…?"
"Do you even listen, Adam? When a girl is upset, you comfort her. If Megan was avoiding you, that was a clear sign to approach her and make sure she was okay. This whole thing could have been avoided if you just showed a little kindness." She gave me a look of bitter disgust. "For once. Plus, if one girl blows you one week, don't get another girl to do something with you the next. It's common fucking knowledge."
We stood in continued music-filled silence before Nicole got fed up with the CD player and shut it off. She sighed, calming down yet still angry. "I forgave you too quickly last time." She faced me, malice in her eyes. "My mistake. If you're going to keep treating girls like crap, I don't want to hang out with you. Go find your own ride home."
I couldn't protest, I couldn't speak. I could only look into her eyes, which I found to be cold and empty. I didn't get to look at them for long before she turned around and promptly left the weight room.
Shit. Before realizing what I was doing, I was running after her.
"Nicole, wait! Please, wait!" I pleaded as I ran down the hallway. A couple of seniors responded to what they could only presume as a bad breakup or a couple's fight, and gave me an "Oooooh!" of public shaming as I approached her.
"Look, Adam." Nicole started, still walking. "I want you to learn your lesson. Just…. We can talk later, okay? Just not now."
I grabbed her by the arm. "Nicole, everything's been shot to hell for me today. I lost everyone else who matters to me. Please don't tell me I'm losing you too." I could feel tears coming on, but I held them back.
Nicole, unexpectedly, stifled a laugh. "Woah there, William Shatner." She said sarcastically. "I used to think high school drama wasn't a real thing. Now I see why it exists. Quit being so melodramatic, it's not like I'm saying goodbye to you forever or anything. I just want you to learn, and I want you to know when you fucked up. And guess what?" She paused, stopped walking, and leaned in close to my face. "You fucked up." she whispered.
She leaned back and gave me a small smile, but this smile simply said 'You know I'm right' and had no warmth behind it. "Now please let go of my arm." she told me. "Find your own ride home, and think about what you've done. I'm not going to forgive you this time until you actually see what you've done."
"But Megan was… I…" I blubbered.
Nicole sighed. "I swear, I'm going to hang myself before you understand what 'consequences' are." She shook herself free from my arm with one jerk. "Bye, Adam. I'm trusting you to talk to me when you accept that you're only human."
With that, she walked away. With Megan, it stung; with May, it hurt, but with Nicole, I couldn't bear to face what just happened because Nicole always spoke the truth. I kept trying to deny it to myself, but at least to someone else, what I did was wrong.