"I am sorry, I am so sorry... I didn't mean to, I didn't think this would happen. I was just..... Please stop....please forgive me, Nooooo, Ahhhh!!!!!"
Haah! Haah! Haah! Hah!
"It's OK, I am fine, I didn't do anything wrong.... It's not my fault.... I wasn't responsible for any of this.I didn't do it." I whispered to myself, choking my neck with both of my hands , tears running down my weary face.
That has to be the most toxic way of slowing down hyperventilation and seizures I often am a victim of. I have to take my pills.Must be the reason, I feel like shit. I wonder who's treating the boy in my absence. It's almost creepy how much they resemble. I am a paediatrician. I hope Doc Elior is taking good care of him. There I go on again talking to air and pretending like someone's listening to me.
Wow I'm such an ass :even when my brain clearly distinguishes things that make sense and those that don't,why do I still make hellish decisions? Aish
Why do I have to be so self aware instead of being as dense as Adrienne(character from a very frustrating animation series)?
As I stared into the darkness, hugging my knees leaning against the headrest of the bed, I realised the desolation that lingers in the house.I wonder why I invested in a house this big? Right! to impress people. the hell am I so materialistic and such a show off?
Or it could have been to show people that I was doing good-reassurance I'll say does not always work wonders.
Of course, I know that I am not okay. I also know I am rotting so badly from the inside, I wonder if I stink for actual?. Why? Just why is this happening? What have I done so wrong? Why do I have to suffer? I am not even sure why am I behaving this way either?
"You know it... your guil-t"
The silhouette of a young kid in his teens stood in front of her. His nostalgic fair face illuminates the darkness of the room. Blood dripped down his face as his lifeless grey eyes stared into mine. I shut my eyes ,covering my ears with my hands and screamed.
Ahhhhh! Stop! Stop! Please just stop! Get away from my sight please.... You're not even real, so why are you tormenting me like this? Isn't it enough that I am like this? Is this my punishment?
Tears once again rolled down my cheeks . I feel...so helpless. That guy from years ago, keeps appearing like this.... again and again. I shouldn't have helped that kid. I would have led a normal life- How can I fall this low? I am blaming a child now. How pathetic!
"Just because you ignore me doesn't mean I'll disappear. Why do you blame me? You know the truth, but you still live in the fantasy of ignorance is bliss. You know that I am the result of your guilt, so why are you blaming the poor boy you've already killed? The truth is before you but you always choose to look past it, like you always have.
How can one be dead when the so-called dead still live in the souls of those who are left behind?"
I slowly opened my eyes and found him sitting on the bed right in front of me... he hugged his knees and his head was nearly buried on his knees except his cold eyes stared at me. It gave me chills, regardless my hand stretched out for him. Hate. It's a strong word, and my twisted concern for him is enveloped in it. But my hand passed through, I realised my hallucination.
Would he ever forgive you? Would you ever forgive yourself?
I retracted my hand, ignorance is bliss. He stayed there the whole night like a never ending nightmare. I could do nothing but succumb to my deep dark abyss.
Somehow I got through that night, not sure how though? All my fears had gotten to me as this time as I didn't take my pills. My insomnia kicked in... I didn't sleep the whole night. Ohh well, I am going to be sleeping anyway after a while.... to be exact dreaming. I stared at my haggard self: How ugly, My dark circles look as deep as Mariana Trench. I look malnourished. I look so dull, nothing like how I used to look. My lush long locks of ginger hair have withered out due to hair fall.
Even though I am only 28 years old, it seems as though I have aged 10 more years. My age does no justice for my body. I slapped some powder to my face and quickly went to my closet, adjacent to my bed and took out the most comfortable dress. Plain white t-shirt and black jeggings. Hung my brown sling bag across my body and went to my Honda.
I bought a chicken burger from McDonalds and zoomed straight to MRC. By the time I reached, I realised I was 30 min early. Ohh well, let's bother Dr. Elior. I walked through the huge hallways of the MRC centre. It's so neat and hygienic. I've always liked the smell of disinfectants. I made my way to the elevator and clicked the 24th floor. There, by coincidence I saw Dr.Elior coming out of her cabin.
"Good Morning Ms. Novak! What a pleasant surprise"
"Bad Morning Doc. I once again had terrible hallucinations causing my insomnia to kick in."
"I am so sorry dear.... But it was necessary not to take any drugs, I'm sure, you and I wouldn't want to leave any room for consequences?"
"I still have a few questions, what would happen if I die in Chimera?
"Oh! You'll be shifted to another world then"
"Then what about the end, hypothetically speaking... I get cured. Then what? How do I come out of it?"
"That will happen by itself... You don't need to worry about such things Ms. Novak. I will take care of everything"
"What about the kid?"
"The kid is doing fine dear, you did enough to inform me about it. He really was unstable, but not many people could convince a child. You saved him."
"I hope I did, I really do"
"Wanna meet him?"
"No, I am still not ready"
"I've already arranged everything, let's proceed to the Chimera room."
Ending the conversation, we once again headed in the elevator, this time to the 25th floor. During this time, both of us didn't talk. We were immersed in our own deep thoughts. We were both comfortable in each of our presences. Doctor Elior has always been like a big sister to me.... Even though she is around 10 years older than me. Gentle and patient, she has always listened to me rant. I knew her even before I started taking consultations. I suppose it has been 8 years. I met her at her book signing event as I enjoyed reading her documentary regarding psychotherapy and then I guess we just clicked.
Then you must be wondering why I don't know anything about Chimera technology even though she is the founder of it. That's because I was never really interested. Like I said before, I didn't really like the idea of having my brain being tampered with. Yet I am going to use it today for myself. The irony!
Then breaking the silence I asked her,
"Will I really ever live a normal life? Do I even deserve it?"
"Each person has a redemption arc, you do too. One day you will forgive yourself to attain the happiness you deserve. But it's never easy, remember that. You have a price to pay and you gotta do it."
Her words always comforted me even though they weren't always the kindest. They cut through me at the same time apply salve on them. Even now she comforts me and at the same time tries to make me realise... it's like she wants me to know what I have done and contemplate it. Unlike me, who doesn't even want to know. Because I know, once I do, I won't survive... I can never be that strong.
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