"What do you mean? Weren't Elixir's parents naturally abusive and conducting domestic violence?"
"Not exactly, Umm... All of it changed when he defended a junior girl of our school. The seniors, meaning kids of our grade who were upperclassmen, usually were very narcissistic and sadistic.
So, when he saw Amaya, a senior girl of our class, trying to make a junior to lick the water fallen on the floor, he lost his patience. He went and gave a piece of his mind to her, which didn't result well. He turned into the target of bullying of Amaya and her gang.
They started torturing him, it wasn't direct but done in indirect ways like taking his embarrassing pics and posting online. Sometimes throwing things at him, ruining his desk, books and locker, throwing water etc.
He ignored it for a while but as the time went by things started getting worse, he went and complained to our homeroom teacher. But that didn't work well either, he just gave them a half assed warning and let them be. After he couldn't bear it anymore, he went and complained to the police. Just like before nothing happened, but this time he was on probation for defaming them or something.
That was not it, his father who was an accountant in Amaya's father's company got fired. He became unemployed, unable to apply anywhere else.
As time went by, he started becoming frustrated and drinking. When he drank, he started taking his stress out on Elixir, blaming him... when his mother tried to defend him, she got hit too. The only thing I regret is that I couldn't be there for him. He would come and break down in front of me and I could only pat his shoulder and say things like it will all be okay.
After a while, he even stopped coming to confide in me too. Even at school, I couldn't do anything besides looking away.... I was such a coward. I don't deserve to call myself his close friend. I despise myself. I must be sounding like a hypocrite."
While hearing all this, my whole body went numb... and I had clenched my hands tight into fists until my knuckles had gone white. My nails dug so deep in my skin that it started bleeding. If this wasn't enough, I was also starting to feel light headed and nauseous. Andrew in front of me broke into tears, 'I had to comfort him.... because I could empathise with him.... His pain, his hatred.' I rubbed my hands on my clothes and went on one knee in front of him.
"As long as you realise it and are sincere...it's okay, it's still not too late for you... you can still do it Andrew. Right now what Elixir needs the most is someone to stay beside him and comfort him. You are the only one who can do it. And believe me, in such sensitive times... he needs you. Whether he says it or not, you're the only one to help him."
I gave him a gentle smile. He smiled back at me, and said thank you.
'Am I trying to make up for my past?....I didn't know. For some reason, I was starting to find myself in Andrew. Only if it were, then maybe... things would have been diffe..... '
Stop! What is the point of thinking about things now? It's already too late for me, he is already gone.
**********
It's been a few days since I had the heart to heart talk with Andrew. Elixir had been recovering well but he had gone very silent and formed a prickly attitude.
Andrew's been visiting Elixir almost everyday, at first Elixir refused to even talk to him. But Andrew was as stubborn as a bull, no matter how many harsh words he would say, he would still come back with flowers and food. He would apologise and say it was his fault. I found it beautiful, how despite all this, he was brave enough to come back again and again. I was wrong, he is nothing like me.... I can never be that strong.
Well, like I said.... He opened up after a while but still the more I see, he keeps building up that invisible wall. He smiles at Andrew now and says he is fine.... which I can bet $100 on, he is not. I have tried to convince him multiple times to visit a therapist, but he just rejects without even hearing my words. He showcases himself to be a very rude and fierce youngman, but I know that's not it. How should I put it in words?
It's like he is afraid to completely break down and become vulnerable, thus he tries to act tough.... to save himself. How relatable is that? Well, there goes one more try by me. I entered Elixir's room after Andrew left.
"Hey! What's....."
"Don't bother! Haven't I already told you I don't want to? Why are you trying to embarrass yourself? Why the heck are you so fixated on me? Don't you... like... have other patients to bother. "
"Well, currently I don't and lemme tell you one more fact about myself, I am utterly shameless. I just want you to have a healthy and happy life ahead."
"Huh! Healthy and Happy life ! What the hell do you even know about me? My life is already ruined... there's nothing left. But I don't need you... I can deal with it myself.... I know I can... I am fine."
"And I know you can, but I don't agree with you being fine. You know it, you're not. You're just lying to yourself and to those around you. Don't you realise how contradictory your words sound? You need help. Though, it's true... I can never really understand you, but I can sympathise and empathise with you"
"Sympathy, that's just hypocrisy... I am curious how the hell you would empathise with me."
"The way you keep acting tough and lying to others and yourself... how you're fine, when you are clearly not. In order to save yourself from completely breaking down and becoming vulnerable... realising that you truly have lost something important.
But you keep denying it, that's your way of protecting yourself. It's like keeping your sanity intact. But that's not the way dear, it's truly not. The longer you build it inside of yourself, the harder it gets. You feel more and more suffocated.... You have to let it out. Your mind can be deadlier than you think.
As for my sympathy, I don't know what it's supposed to be either... truth or just lies.... I truly don't know." When I said this, without even thinking.... my eyes lingered on Elixir as though in a daze. I didn't even realise it, until he spoke.
"Then do I resemble him?"
"Huh! Who?"
"The one you tried to sympathise with" My eyes widened and I immediately looked away... How was I supposed to reply to this? My hands started becoming sweaty. And for some reason, this time his voice had become softer than before.
I hesitantly replied.
"Umm... Yes... how did you know that?"
"It's just the way you look at me, as though you had known me for years. Well, where is he now?"
"He's... he was dear to God, that's why heaven's have summoned him quite early. I really have a complaint against god. How could he have done this?"
My eyes were starting to become itchy and my vision was starting to become blurry... they were becoming red. I immediately looked away and stood up saying sorry and to give me a moment.
"It's okay to cry. My mom used to say that one cries not because they are weak but because they have been strong for too long. I am still not really comfortable about opening up to some stranger I don't even know but I am willing to give it a shot"
This time it was much softer, almost as though it was a whisper. He was comforting me. But I heard it, I was elated and once again I felt this kid truly resembled him. His soft and kind heart.
"Your mother was a very nice person and she's right. She will be very proud of you for being so strong. Thank you, I will take you to the best doctor. All your needs will be taken care of, so don't worry."
After saying that, I was slowly making my way out of the room. When I heard him saying something once again.
"Thanks..." He said that while looking straight into my eyes, and I could feel his sincerity. I gave him a bright smile and said as long as it helped him. In a way we both had comforted each other that day.
That said, I realised I had not only convinced him but myself too. That I was not fine. And this kid, it took 20 days to convince him and when I asked Doctor Elior... she said in a week.
Wow! I suppose she is a psychiatrist for some reason but even so I have a feeling he didn't open up until he heard something personal from her. It's like his way of trusting people and he even assesses them.
Regardless, after that I started visiting Dr Elior myself. It wasn't easy. After a while things started becoming worse, that's when I took a medical leave. Well, I started wondering if I did the right thing.... But I knew, staying in my own delusion and thinking nothing of those nightmares was not right either.
Jeez, I wonder why I am remembering these things now, it's not like I am dying. I am just going to be taking a huge nap for a while. I was already lying down in a capsule with some helmet-like thing attached to my head. It had a lot of wires and I had already closed my eyes.
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