I left a bewildered Tae behind, I'm sure his mouth had already dropped to the floor. How did I learn to be like this? Who am I even mad at? Tae? Myself? Or my parents? Who left me to fend for myself? My skin crawls at the thought of someone taking care of me. The moment I let someone do that, everything changes. They'll be angry at me, they'll leave me, or even worse they will die.
I've made it out of the restaraunt doors by now and am storming towards my car, my mind is reeling. Why is it so hard to let him in? Am I doomed to never trust again? Is it the fact that I know he is going to leave, that once again someone will choose themself over me.
We should just break up, why am I putting myself in this situation… again. It's destined to fail. There isn't a happy ending for our story. I can't trust him. Maybe if I could just separate trust and love. Do you need trust to love? Can I love freely with my entire heart, and never trust again. No. I don't want them separately, if I love.
If I love.
I do love.
I love him.
I love him so much my heart has been aching since the moment I left. I'm not even upset at him. I'm upset with myself.
I deserve to be cherished, even if its only for a few weeks. Right? I can't even get my thoughts straight. I know I fucked up though. I will deal with these tumultuous motions later, once he leaves for good. I can love without trust for a few weeks. I trust myself, but do I love… me? Am I worth loving?
I didn't realize I was running, my chest heaving with tears streaming down my cheeks. I felt myself spiral. I only need trust. I just need trust. I don't want love. Love. Love is when people die, and when they leave. Love hurts. If I trust them I know they will never do that. They can't hurt me, if I just don't love them. I just won't love him. I make it to my car, and put my arms on the windows to catch my breathe. I hear the thunder of foot steps behind. Someone has turned me around and pulled me into their chest. I hear their heart pounding with the sharp intake of breaths.
"Rina, are you okay?" My sobs get louder. "I didn't mean to offend you, you can buy the ice cream tonight seriously."
I try to push myself from him.
"It's okay, I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He blurts out.
But he is.
He isn't staying here with me. He's leaving. "I'm here now Rina, I dont know what's going to happen in a few weeks but I'm here now. We can work it out together. I don't have all the answer and neither do you. Let's help eachother out." My shoulders relaxed at the words and I fell deeper into his beating heart. He spoke the truth. He didn't give me false promises. My mouth began to speak, "I'll try" it was nothing more than a squeek. He pulled me even closer than humanely possible.
"That's my girl, just focus on today, on right now. We can deal with the rest later." I didn't speak. The words left a hollow ache in my chest. This was unknown and I felt gutted. It was too late, I already was in for the worst heartbreak of my life. It was too late to stop it. He spoke again, "Okay come on Rina, you owe me ice cream." I chuckled. It was empty. I was numb. All of the feelings I had were like vomit on the floor and I was empty.
His words did little to soothe my aching heart. Maybe I should just stop worrying and move on. The only problem, is someone like me is incapable of that. I don't do uncertainty. I am who I am, because of what happened to me and I can't change. Tae makes me want to try though. I bury my face in his chest, wiping away the tears and force a smile.
I look up into his worried eyes. "It's time for you first driving lesson." I wink, and he seems confused at my complete change in attitude. He stares deeply into my eyes and I stare back. He looks me up and down, and I can tell he isn't believing. I nudge him with my arm, "Go on, get in the drivers side."
His demeanor slightly shifts, and I think he believes me. We separate and get into the car. I change, I'm acting just like my normal self as I explain for about 20 minutes about the car. Tae patiently listens and asks questions when necessary. I give him a final test and then we start off on his first driving lesson. I repeat my mantra in my head, "I can change." Every few times I add a new one like, "He can leave, that's fine. I dont care, but I can change." He turns the ignition with the key, and I instruct him to turn on the headlights.
I look at him one last time, "You got this." I give him a nod of approval, not sure if I am saying that to myself or him. He responds with a smile, "We got this." I smile back, and act like my outburst today never happened. We can move on from this. The thoughts made my stomach turn. I gave one final approving smile to Tae before he hit the gas. I looked at his now shaggy blue hair that looked completely effortless. His long lashes and golden eyes. My eyes ran down his straight nose to his pouting peach lips. His large hands were gripping the steering wheel, and I could see the veins bulging. I took in every little detail and commited it to memory.
The K-Idol, I couldn't love.
The right guy, but the wrong time.
The boy who would completely and utterly destroy me.
The man that would teach me to never love again.