"We don't got 'this'"
"We don't have anything, there is you, and me separately!" I screamed
"I don't got this, you don't got this!" I paused then turned away. "I'm going to shower so leave me alone." I ran to the bathroom like someone else. I stomped my feet and slammed the doors like a teenager from a TV show. I never acted like this when I was a teenager. I knew better. I knew my Dad couldn't handle that, so I was perfect.
I wasn't perfect though.
I peeled off my work clothes and stepped into the cold shower. As the steam started to build, the tenseness eased. With that came the tears.
I cried.
I bawled on the shower floor. I didn't recognize who I was. I didn't understand my emotions. I didn't really know why I was mad. That made me cry more. I had no control of this entire situation and that pissed me off. It enraged me to tears.
Teaching Tae to drive felt like an eternity ago. I repeated in my head multiple times 'I got this' but as I just yelled at Tae for the fortieth time this morning. It became blatantly obvious that I don't. Calm and collected Rina, had nothing.
Yesterday after the restaurant fiasco, everything went as planned with Tae. We had an enjoyable evening and then I went to work. I was running late because the house was a mess and I couldn't find my hospital badge. Tae helped me and rushed me out the door. I had a busy night which was good. I was able to keep myself distracted from my ongoing mantra.
I got this.
I got this.
I even had lunch in the breakroom with Dr. Hart. We chatted about patients and my turtles. Dr. Hart also loves turtles and I show him pictures of mine regularly. By the time I made it to my car I wasn't even worried about the situation. My mantra had worked and I was ready to just accept life as it was and make it through the next few weeks. I opened my car door and whispered to myself, "Whatever happens, happens." Words from one of my past 2D crushes.
I didn't even close my mouth as the shower water ran down my lips. "He should have just left my stuff alone." I muttered for no one to hear. Why did he have to do that?
When I came home this morning Tae had cleaned my entire apartment. I couldn't deny it was a sweet gesture but a switch flipped immediately. Whatever string that was keeping me sane, snapped. When I saw that he had moved my turtle cage off of the warming pad to dust, I freaked out. I showed a side of myself that I had never shown to anyone.
I didn't like that he touched my things. I didn't like that he touched my turtles. I didn't like him paying for me. I could barely handle him taking care of me in my moment of weakness two days ago.
I sighed thinking about the fight we just had. I wouldn't even call it a fight, I yelled, and he sat there taking it. Whatever reason he had for liking me a few days ago, is definitely gone. No sorry can fix the hell I just unleashed on him. I think I yelled for over 30 minutes at 6 in the morning. He stayed up all night doing the chores. He did half of them wrong and that pissed me off even more.
I didn't like him paying, so why would I like him cleaning my entire apartment? He's so dense.
I knew this would never work out. We aren't meant for eachother. For God's sake we don't even speak the same native language.
I was delusional for thinking I could be loved.
I couldn't control the rampant thoughts in my head. They didn't stop. The shitty part was that I wanted him. I loved him. It was too late though. My fucked up head, messed up my only chance at being loved again. He won't want me.
I had shown Tae every side of me, even the deep parts I wanted to keep hidden.
I needed to change, and didn't know how or if it was even worth it. The same pang of sadness hit me. He is leaving. I guess this is for the best anyways.
I got up from the shower and dried myself off. I got dressed and walked back into the living room. Tae was on the couch, he was different. I changed him. I should've never opened my fucking mouth. I'm so worthless. I'm so stupid. I hate myself.
I pulled out last nights leftovers and asked Tae if he wanted to eat. He shook his head.
I lost him. I'm such an idiot. Why did it take you so long to come around? See. You missed your chance.
My mind wouldn't shut up.
I ate breakfast at the table put my dishes away and walked to the bedroom. "I'm going to sleep." I whispered to him.
He calmly replied, "Please dry your hair before you go to sleep."
So I did. I played the days events over and over again. Maybe he wasn't that upset. He told me to dry my hair. I fell asleep thinking that was his way of telling me he loved me. I felt the warmness inside. I prayed to a God that I don't believe in. Please let me be able to love. Please fix me.