(In the carriage, on the way back to the capital)
I was sitting on the right side of the carriage, while Tian Yang sat next to me in the front, but also far away, in front of me was a window. Whenever the air moved the curtain, the sunset seemed clear. Even though the sun does not set, it reaches sunset and remains that way until the next day.
I closed my eyes, Tian Yang spoke, "Are you okay?"
I nodded my head, without speaking.
"You know... I feel like things have become very awkward between us, in an exaggerated way... I know you don't love me. But is it that uncomfortable?"
I opened my eyes, looked at the ground for a moment, then looked at him and said, "Honestly, it's beyond love. I made a grave mistake. You may think that you are the hero of this story, but you are nothing but a piece in this damned chess game. I played it wrong. From the beginning, I think I lived my life the wrong way."
He looked at me in confusion, still not understanding, "What?"
"You don't know how dirty this feeling is, to feel like you are a character in a book. Everything I felt was hurtful and unfair, and every time I thought I was brave and honest, every time I felt embarrassed and hated, all of this was not really me. This is what I feel, as if I was just... Part of the play, as if I was the shadow. I was not and will not be the one who truly decides his fate. I was playing within that play, and those feelings did not even concern me. You ask me if I'm uncomfortable, but I've played with my destiny too much, so I won't play with yours anymore."
I sighed and continued, "Tian Yang, I don't love you, so let's stay like this. I'll still be your wife if you want, but if I find my love... if I live... I mean, if I continue on my path and find my love, we will both go our separate ways."
He looked at me with disappointed eyes, "Is this, is this all we can be?"
"We were everything, but even everything, even the greatest thing, has an end."
He leaned closer, "But we haven't even begun. Is this because of your past? Because of the dragon thing? Shushin, this is nothing, unimportant."
I smiled, trying not to collapse, "Tian, this matter, it's everything," I placed my hand on my heart, "I can't escape fate, because it's not mine."
He looked at the ground, "Shushin, we cannot be married, and you are still searching for love. We made a covenant, and signed it with our blood. We will be eternally ruined if we betray."
I ran my hand through his hair. He raised his head, with tearful eyes. I told him, my eyes too, tearful, "I don't care, that sky has already destroyed me. At this moment, they are writing me a terrible end."
Tianyang shook his head, and I smiled at him, "Tianyang, my heart may be the only thing I have, but it is also the only thing I can sacrifice for others. In your opinion, what should I choose?"
"You must. Choose your heart."
I slowly moved my hand away from his hair, "That's right... I have to..."
He grabbed my hand before I could pull it away completely, and looked into my eyes, "Can't you.. change your mind?"
"I can't, when you know, Tianyang, I'm afraid your heart will be torn apart."
He smiled, "Then leave it to be destroyed. When I decided to love you, I actually intended to destroy my soul for you."
I shook my head, "But, I don't intend to destroy my soul for anyone. Your precious love makes me feel heavy, Tianyang. You don't know anything about me, and please don't underestimate the power of fate."
The servant spoke, "We have arrived at the palace."
We both looked at the door, then Tian Yang spoke, "Can't my love be stronger than fate?"
A tear fell from my eye, "It is not possible. My fate. My cursed fate.. Maybe.. I will not be here at the age of 30."
Tian Yang's eyes widened, I quickly got up, wiped away my tears and got out of the car
After several minutes, Tian Yang quickly went out looking for Shushen, but she disappeared into thin air.
********
(Shushin room)
I quickly ran towards my bed and threw myself on it, "I have no home, except a bed under a window."
I buried my face between the pillows, until I heard a fluttering sound. I almost got up until I felt a weight on my head, which made my head fall hard on the pillow again, "What is this?" I said in an inaudible voice.
"Why didn't you invite me to your wedding then?"
"If you don't go away, I will flay your feathers." The crow fluttered away after hearing this, "Despicable witch."
I raised my gaze and looked out of the corner of my eye, "What's wrong? You finally remember me, the last time I saw you was years ago."
The crow laughed, "I was having fun, but I found that there is no fun in life at all."
I buried my head again, "Don't you think it took you a long time to realize this truth?"
Then I whispered to myself, "Why are you here, what a bad sign."
He came and stood next to my head, which was buried between the pillows. "I am your spirit animal. I will definitely come. You are my lady."
"Hmph, as if you care, you ungrateful crow."
"You got to know a lot of people during my absence. Is there anyone special?"
I thought for a moment, "Maybe... I think I met people who made me hurt."
"That's not what I meant."
"They made me hurt, knowing that I couldn't spend my life with them."
"I'm sure that, of course, of course, there is hope on the horizon. I crossed cities and countries in my absence, and I learned something important. There is happiness on the horizon. When you give up greed, and settle for a simple life, in order to find great happiness, you have to give up comfort, being... Being at ease does not mean you are happy."
I nodded, "Let's switch bodies."
He made a sarcastic laugh, "As if you would. You can think of yourself and want to be born as yourself, right?"
"Recently, I started thinking that I will give up everything in the end. Everyone has the ability to take responsibility for themselves, and I, I have suffered for a long time, even I do not know when this punishment will end since everything is so different. Who ruined my life and made my punishment worse, in your opinion?"
"Do you think you can find happiness even though, day after day, you are getting closer to your death?" asked the crow
"In the end, I can't find eternal happiness, but I will work hard. Until I die."
"Then I will leave."
I turned my body, resting my head on the pillow, "So fast?"
He stood at the window, "You said I never came, but you never called. You wanted to make me free, right? Do you regret it or what?" He flew away, "Soon, we will meet, so be happy until we meet."
Everything flies away, but I'm stuck.
Where should I go next, and what should I do? It's very far away, but I think I'll stay at the palace and come back later to continue my journey. After I made up my mind.