"Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. On behalf of the «King's Royal Association Keep Our Wawel», we welcome you on this tour. In about twenty minutes, we'll show you the most beautiful parts of Wawel, which is the official name of Krakow Castle, and we'll tell you everything about it, so you'll have both an interesting and an entertaining afternoon."
Scarlett looks good. Her rebellious curls are tamed as a ponytail by a pink ribbon. Her curves fight to burst out of the trousers and the jacket, but the uniform of Official Guide of Wawel is made with the slogan «what Polish people make, will never never break», and the buttons hold. Her smile shows love and pride for one of Poland's most loved monuments; at least, that's what all the members of the group think because I know it's a smile of relief, of finally getting close enough to the woman who ruined her life, with a chance to get even.
Raissa Sikorsky and the rest of the cabaret cabinet enjoy the tour, although they are more interested in the other visitors: this is not a holiday, this is work, this is politics, making a good and friendly impression, so the former President of Italy and the big chief of the European Commission and the captains of industry might do you a favour when you'll need one. In the struggle for power between elections and lobbying, elections always lose.
"Wawel Castle was the residence of the Polish Kings until the end of the 17th century. The castle is now the home of the Polish national art collection. Our collection of tapestries is the most beautiful in the world."
Scarlett has done her homework. When we came home last night, late, long after the party was over, she worked for three hours on the computer, finding and reading and learning everything she could about Krakow Castle. Of course, she was disappointed to hear that Raissa's secretary had called last minute to cancel Maja's Ladies' Night, but not every shot is a goal, so if you fail, you try again. She convinced her friend Maja to call the secretary and ask about Raissa's further plans, so perhaps we could celebrate the Ladies' Night at another moment, when Raissa could be there, knowing that moment would never come. It worked. The secretary explained about the busy agenda of every Polish Minister of Social Affairs: she has the hairdresser here in the hotel tomorrow morning, and she has her dinner with the Russian ambassador tomorrow night, and she needs to visit Krakow Castle with all the important guests tomorrow afternoon…
"Outside, you've seen the statue of Smoc Wawelski, the dragon that lived here in the Dark Ages, in the Smocza Jama, the Dragon's Den, a large cave under the castle. In those days, a dragon was what the army is now: it protected the kingdom against foreign aggressors. Like now, there were no foreign aggressors to fight with. The Dragon slept, spat fire (that's how global warming started) and ate pigs, cows and pretty maidens. Those pigs and cows and pretty maidens were the pigs and cows and maidens of the people of Krakow, of course. The King's pigs, cows and daughter were safe. The people of Krakow were sick and tired of paying those taxes, getting nothing but fake protection in return. Lucky for them, democracy and bureaucracy were not invented yet; the royal dictator, King Krakus, took action: he promised that the one who killed the dragon could marry his daughter Wanda. A cobbler named Skuba took the challenge. He slaughtered a lamb, filled it with sulphur, and left it at the border of the river, near the Dragon's Den. The dragon devoured the bait. The flames in his stomach set fire to the sulphur, causing an explosion and the death of the poor monster (whose species was already on the list of protected animals, like the polar bears and the whales are now). The last word was, of course, for King Krakus: he ordered Wincenty Kadłubek (Vincent of Krakow, the bishop of the city) to write down the story and make it look like the two sons of King Krakus, Krakus II and Lech II, killed the beast. As we can learn from this story: in the end, the political leader always wins."
The visitors reward Scarlett's story with laughter and applause. Even the two bodyguards seem to enjoy the excursion. It's their first visit. I was here before. I know what's coming next: it's my part of the show.
I take my place at the end of the group and start looking around, with a puzzled, worried look. The bodyguards notice my strange behaviour and come close: "What's wrong, Grandpa?" (My disguise is convincing.)
"I don't know. All the time, there was this strange fellow following us, but now I don't see him anymore."
"Strange fellow?"
"Well… you know… Someone who looks like he's not from here. Dark skin, black hair, strange beard. He looked like one of those fugitives you see on the news every day. He carried a black backpack. It seemed rather heavy."
The bodyguards don't need further introduction. They are trained professionals, paid well to protect our country against foreign aggressors, happy that for the first time in their long careers there is a foreign aggressor to fight with. While they put their right hand under their tailored jackets, they disappear into the indicated direction, to give the Polish people some real value for all their tax money. Fear is a great motivator. When you sow a little fear, you can harvest anything you like.
With a sympathetic smile, I return to my place between the first of the group, right behind Raissa.
"The next room is perhaps the most interesting of the tour: it's the torture room. In the Middle Ages, the Polish kings didn't have time for long and expensive trials with judges, jurors and lawyers. They had a simple solution: torture the accused until he confesses, so we can go as fast as possible to the fun part of being a king: the execution. Executions in those days were always public, like in our modern times where we put the head of the accused on a plate in every newspaper, but torture was the private pleasure of the King himself. You are all political leaders, the elected Kings of your kingdoms, with more power than any leader in history. You must be eager to learn from the old masters, so you can use it in your own profession. One advice, please, for your own safety: go one by one through the little corridor because it's rather small; people in the Middle Ages were not as well-fed and not as tall as we are now."
The former Italian President wants to be the first to enter. Gently but firmly, I pull him back: "Please, Sir. Ladies first. You, as an Italian, should know that." Some smiles on the surrounding faces show that the other guests know why the former Italian President is so interested in the torture room; they've all read the stories in the magazines about his bunga-bunga parties with bondage SM and the master-slave games he played there. Raissa appreciates my good manners with a sweet smile and a whispered "Thank you." Then she follows Scarlett through the little corridor.
I go in third, so at the end of the corridor I can close the door behind me, the thick sturdy oak door, made by a medieval carpenter, and turn the key of the heavy iron lock. The rest of the group, as they have been following Scarlett's lecture, should know that execution is a public matter, but torture is always the private pleasure of the King himself, in this case of the Queen, Scarlett, the red Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, to have her victim confess before she shouts: "Chop off their heads."
It surprises Raissa that I close the door behind us. My Makarov, pointing at her head, surprises her even more: "What is this?"
Scarlett continues with her lecture: "This, my dear Raissa, is a fully equipped room for torture and other adult entertainment. On our left, we have the Chinese water torture, which is only useful for people with lots of patience, like the Chinese. Useless for Polish people under pressure, like us. Waterboarding works much faster. Here on our right, we have the garrotte, a Spanish invention to strangle people; not very efficient if you want your victim to talk. Next to it, you see the Iron Maiden; you put your victim inside, close the doors, and throw the thing off the stairs, so the spikes inside can give her a nice new collection of piercings; not for you, though, because you're too corpulent. It's impossible to get you inside and close the doors. Over there on the wall, we have the thumbscrew, we have the breast ripper or Iron Spike, we have the Chevalet or Spanish Donkey, we have the Scavenger's Daughter and the tongue tearer, but all those instruments are hardly interesting compared with our pride and glory, handmade from Bombay, India: the bed of nails. I promised myself to nail the one who caused all my misery. You see, I keep my promises, literally."
Scarlett takes a rope and binds it around Raissa's left wrist, whispering in her ear: "Come on, Raissa. Come to bed with me. I will kiss your fingers. I will touch your naked body, without any ambitions, sins, shame, and fear. Come on, come to bed with me. Let's make love, on this bed of nails. No one else will make you feel like I do. Nothing else will get as deep inside you as I do, baby."
Raissa's gigantic eyes pop out of her pale face: "Where are my bodyguards?"
"They are chasing foreign aggressors. Somebody put so many terrorists on TV that we're afraid of the unknown to whom we did no harm, while we should fear our next of kin who we treated badly.", I say.
"What are you going to do?"
Scarlett says: "It's not about what I'm going to do, my dear. It's about what you are going to do: nothing. You just lie down and relax. There's nothing you can do. You're good at doing nothing. You're the Polish Minister of Social Affairs for already four years now. All that time, you did nothing. Oh, no, that's not true. You've invented the Sikorsky Law. You made it possible for big, powerful, greedy companies, like the one I used to work for, to fire their employees without any reason."
Raissa doesn't understand: "But… that was a democratic decision… I'm just doing my job…"
"Democratic? Nobody asked my opinion about it. But it doesn't matter, my dear Raissa. I don't want you to worry. I want you to lie down and relax."
Scarlett ties another rope to Raissa's right wrist. She turns the bed of nails into its vertical position and ties Raissa's hands to the iron rings on the corners: "Spread your legs, dear. I'm going to make love with you for the rest of your life."
"You better do what she says. You don't want to make her angry.", I say.
Raissa puts her feet apart, so Scarlett can tie her ankles to the iron rings of the bed. She asks me: "Is this some sort of «Good Cop - Bad Cop» scene? Are you trying to be nice while she's going to torture me?"
"It's the other way around. In this story, I'm the bad boy who will shoot you without mercy, the trained killer with the gun, the professional who does what he's told. Miss Scarlett is the Good Cop. She always worked hard, raised her children and paid her taxes. She was a good person, who didn't harm anyone. But then, someone profited from the Holy Sikorsky Law: he fired her. She lost her job, she lost her income, she lost her house, she lost her friends, she lost the possibility to pay for the study of her two daughters at university, she lost her hope, her future, her life. She lost all that, thanks to you. Now, she has nothing left to lose. That's why she wants to thank you for what you did. You caused her so much pain… She can't wait to pay you back the favour. It's okay if you scare yourself to death now, by the way. It will save you a lot of trouble."
Raissa starts to understand the danger she's in. She pulls on the rope and loses all hope, but she doesn't burst into tears. Raissa Sikorsky is a politician; she has no feelings: "Life is hard. Some are lucky and others are not. Some get fired, and some get hired. I'm not responsible for the bad luck this woman had."
Scarlett interrupts: "Oh, yes, my dear, you are responsible. Without your law, I would still be working. You gave my former boss the tool he needed: he could fire me and hire a machine, which saved him about 90% of the cost of my salary. You helped him so much and he didn't even say «thank you». It's true: life is hard. Life is hard when you don't do anything to make it better, and life is especially hard when you have to suffer the consequences of the stupidities of others. It's so much better if you only have to suffer the consequences of your own stupidities, my dear Misses Minister…"
"When you're jobless, you can always find another job. You have time to study—"
Scarlett interrupts Raissa's election commercial with a sweet smile: "Oh, but I do have another job, my dear. I've started my own company as a P.R.-manager. You're lucky to be my first client. I do miracles for your image."
Scarlett leaves Raissa standing, tied with her back against the nails of the bed, and goes to a cupboard in the corner of the room where she has hidden her equipment: "Do you know people always vote for the one with the most trustworthy face? Scientific research proved it. Investigators presented the photos of two candidates to many average people and asked them who they would choose. They didn't give any ideas or political sides of the candidates, just showed two photos of two real people who ran against each other to become the next mayor of their American city: over 85% of the interviewed picked the candidate who won the elections. We don't care about ideas; we vote faces. It's like when we fall in love: we think we can trust someone because he's handsome or she's sexy. We always fall in love at first sight, and never with someone who we already know and trust for a long time. Image is everything, Raissa."
"My image is quite good. The hairdresser visited me this morning in my suite."
Scarlett opens her bag and shows what's inside: "Don't flatter yourself, Raissa. You always were a grey mouse in a world dominated by rats. Grey clothes, a grey hat, grey shoes… It fits the colour of your hair, but it won't make you popular with the new generation. I'm going to fix that. My tattoo kit guarantees your re-election. You'll be more popular than ever. I'm going to colour up your image. Or do you want me to tattoo you in black and white? Let's see. On your forehead, we write your main slogan: «no work». On your cheeks, we write «no tears». On your tongue, we write «no shit». You've made me so happy, Raissa. Thanks to your law, I was fired. Now, I know the value of not having anything: having no stuff means having no worries."
Scarlett looks at her tools, looks at the bed of nails, and shares her thoughts with us: "You know, all those years, so many women fought for liberation and equal rights, but one woman with her Sikorsky Law puts us back into the Middle Ages. We're doomed again to handiwork with needles and pins. I hope you shout loud because the better you open your mouth, the bigger I can make the letters on your tongue…"
Raissa doesn't shout. She stays calm and says: "You say you have nothing to lose, but you're wrong. I'll tell you how this story will end: you are a terrorist, black, a woman, violent, and mean as no man can imagine. After you kill me and open that door, you'll be shot. You'll lose your life, of course, but more important is what will happen to your daughters and the people of your country.
» You've told me the story about the King and the dragon, about the cobbler who did all the work and the two Princes who got the credits. Imagine which story the newspapers will tell tomorrow: my story. It's a story of a brave woman who stood up against terrorism, who defended democracy, who took the bullet and died for her country. Raissa Sikorsky will become a name in international politics like there's not been one since Lech Wałęsa."
Scarlett pretends she's not listening. Raissa pretends she doesn't mind. She just talks and talks, like politicians always do: "Do you know what the consequences will be of your violent behaviour, Miss? Governments, worldwide, will scream for more protection, which will cost billions of extra tax money. Control of citizens will reach a new milestone, which will cost taxes and, above all, a lot of freedom. The press will cut you into pieces, which makes everyone feel more unsafe. Everything you do to me will have a negative effect on everything you stand for, while I get a statue for bravery and enter the history books as a Polish heroic defender of freedom. You can never win. This is a democracy, Miss. This is MY country. I'm elected by the voters, and I will do as I please, which includes that I don't negotiate with terrorists."
Scarlett plays with the plug of the electrical tattoo needle, not sure where to find a socket in a medieval castle. Raissa mentioning her daughters took away her bravery.
Raissa has been a politician since she was born, since she talked her parents into everything she desired for a carefree childhood. She feels her little victory, but she doesn't show it; winning one battle doesn't mean you're winning the war. Raissa fights on: "Every injury you cause will make me stronger, every wound you give me will make me more invincible, every pain you inflict on me will increase my glory. Do you want to know my secret? I've found your weak spot: it's love. You can't hurt me, but, boy, can I hurt your family. Your love as a mother will kill you, and my indifference for what happens to you will give me a statue as tall as the dragon outside."
"You can't do that!"
"I can do what I want, Miss. I make the rules because I believe in those rules. And do you know why? Because this is a democracy. This is not the Third World or the jungle or some stupid Arab country where the President bombs his own citizens. This is Poland. When you lose your job in Poland, the government takes care of you: we give you money so you can buy food, clothes, rent and medical care. You should blame your former boss: he didn't take care of you. We do. This is a democracy. I was elected by the majority of the voters in this country. I will NOT listen to you and your terrorist activities. On the contrary: your life, and the life of your loved ones, will be long and painful. Sleeping on this bed of nails will feel like a luxury holiday for you. I'm the one who makes things happen in this country, Miss, and you're the nobody. I will not listen to you. I will not listen to anybody. I make people listen to me. That's how democracy works. And now, untie me and let me go."
Scarlett had nothing to lose, but now she's lost her confidence and she can't remember where she left it: "It's not fair."
Raissa drops her aggression and switches to Caring Mother-mode, her next step in the «how to persuade my opponent»-course: "That's right. It's not fair. It's physics. When a plane or a spaceship wants to move forward, it has to push hot air behind. When I walk, my feet push me forward and they push the earth behind. When I swim, I go forward because I push the water behind.
» If you want to go forward, you have to put energy into your life. You have to work for it. By definition, the ones who do nothing will be left behind. Where do I stand? I'm the one who works, every day, trying to generate better conditions for the companies that produce everything we need, without forgetting to take care of all the people in our country who have nothing. I'm not making the law. The law that works here is the 3rd law of Sir Isaac Newton, action is reaction. If something goes up, something else goes down. I go up. You go down. It's physics.
» Now untie me. As you haven't hurt me so far, you might get away with minor punishment, 30 to 50 years in prison. You'll be a lot better off than living on welfare. I might even leave your children alone."
Scarlett has lost. She's out of words. She surrenders. With her head down, she walks behind the bed of nails and starts to untie the knots. The battle is over. The war is lost. All what's left is lifelong torture in a dark cave under the castle of the King, the final destiny for any creature who dares to spit fire to the leaders.
"You're wrong, Raissa."
Raissa and Scarlett look at me, Raissa with an annoyed look of someone who's wasting her time, and Scarlett with a slight hope of escape. If you're selfish, you're alone. When you care about others, there's always a friend who will help you, a partner who covers your back. That friend is not me; it's Einstein, who used the knowledge of Sir Isaac Newton and added a few extra lines.
"You say it's physics, Raissa. Action is reaction. If one wants to go up, another one has to go down. That's old skool physics and old skool politics too. You read too many stupid stories by Ronaldo7. You should read more Science Fiction. You should read more Sunday papers, which are filled with stories about stars too. In magazines, you read how those stars go up fast and how, in their shiny tails, journalists get a free ride to a better life. That's exactly the opposite of Newton's 3rd law.
» Fighting costs energy. Love gives energy. The sun and the planets attract each other, with a love so strong that it keeps our solar system and our 100.000 light-years-wide galaxy running around for billions of years. Your rocket of selfish hate pushes everything down when you waste all your energy to go up. The love-attraction between two stars makes them move towards each other, and they create energy while they do that. 66 Million years ago, Earth attracted a small meteor, 10 kilometres wide, the size of your ego. Their love caused enough energy to extinct three-quarters of all existing species. It was the end of the era of the dinosaurs, the Age of Dragons, and it opened the gate towards a new era, the Age of Humans.
» Your world is based on hate, on the idea of pushing people away from each other, of letting people fight until only the strongest survive, like the dinosaurs. Your politics give all the benefits to the leaders, the owners of everything. Everything for the Lion King. My world is based on love, on mutual attraction, on bringing people together and creating energy, motivation, hope, respect, togetherness. My politics are One For All and All For One.
» You've heard the story about the King and the dragon: the King leaves all the work to the people. As a reward, only one of them can join the elite class of the King and live in the ivory tower of power. It was the people who paid the taxes and lost their virgin daughters to the dragon, and it was their leader who did nothing but enjoy his life of doing nothing. Divide and rule. You still follow that same dinosaur politics.
» You should not choose between left and right, or between rich and poor, or between producers and consumers. You should think of ways how to do it together, how the rich can help the poor by letting the poor help the rich. Not left or right, but forward. That's physics too. It's the same physics, but it's based on love instead of hate."
"I don't hate the people who voted for me."
"Yes, you do. You just told Scarlett her weak spot: her love for her children, for her friends, for the country where she lives. Who do you love? You only love yourself. You are where you are because of our selfish ambition, which is fine for me as long as you don't harm other, innocent people. That's where we have a different opinion: you say you don't harm anyone; I say you cause disasters for society with your Sikorsky Law."
"My law was necessary to go forward. If companies have the right to fire their employees, they can compete with the Chinese, who produce cheaper. If we don't take such a measure, it will cost the jobs of everyone.", Raissa objects.
"So a company can fire an expensive employee and hire her back against a lower salary? So the boss and the owner of the company can earn more money and the ones who do all the work will get less? Is that your way of taking care of the people who voted for you? It looks like the company's lobby works better than the people's democratic elections. What happened to company taxes during the last 25 years? They were 35% and are now 20%. What happened to V.A.T. and income taxes for the workers and consumers? Both went up 5 points. Who's paying your salary, Raissa? For whom do you work?"
"You don't understand politics. It's much more complicated than that."
"No, it's not. It's the King in his Wawel Castle, telling others to solve their own problems and getting paid for that. What's the definition of «work», Raissa? It's not «getting paid». «Work» means «solving problems»: when someone cleans hor house, does hor shopping and cooks hor meals, she solves hor problems, and nobody pays hor for that. To avoid that everyone has to grow hor own dinner and bake hor own bread, we invented «money», so we can give others something valuable when they help us, and to motivate us to help others in return. If all the money is on one side, it pushes the owner up and the worker down. If money moves around in circles, it gives everyone a better life. That's not very complicated, is it?"
"No, it's not."
"The complication starts when idle people with power refuse to give a decent fee to the workers for solving problems. In the old days, we had kings, priests and soldiers, who were lucky to have such a life of sloth and boredom. The priests convinced the people with words; the kings and the soldiers did it with laws and violence. When an Arab man with a backpack does it, we call it terrorism, but when our King does it in his dungeon, we call it politics. It's the same act. The leaders brainwashed the rest of the world to believe that telling others what to do is more important than solving the problems by doing the work."
"I work hard. Day and night."
"Visiting Krakow Castle and Ladies' Night is not exactly «working hard», Misses Sikorsky. I had an interesting chat with one of your slaves, the taxman. 50% of the yearly income of all the workers in this country goes to the government. 60% of that money is used to pay the unemployed, the disabled, the sick, the elderly people, and the soldiers. 60% of all our taxes and social contributions, you give away to people who do absolutely nothing in return. The working class pays 80% of those taxes. So someone punishes the workers, financially, and rewards the ones who do nothing. It should be the other way around. You should motivate work and punish doing nothing, but you punish work by raising taxes, and now your Sikorsky Law takes away the guarantee of the working class to keep that work. Obama said: «Peace is hard work». You say: «Creating disasters is hard work too». I don't say you don't work, but «work» in my definition is solving problems, not causing them… Your Sikorsky Law caused more problems to the working class in the last four years than all terrorists in history."
"People voted for me to do this. I'm just doing my job, and in return, I get all the complaints from the ones who do nothing and never have enough. It's a free country. Anyone who works hard can make his dreams come true."
"And when one person's dream is another one's nightmare? It's your job to make sure that everyone sleeps well. Scarlett worked hard and made her dreams come true, until your law and the greed of her boss took it away from her. We invented governments to protect the poor against the greed of the rich, not to help the rich become richer. For the working class, a job means so much more than just money to support yourself. It's your proof of worth, your daily challenge, your path to social betterment, your source of pride and delight, and sometimes your work frustrates you or makes you furious. But for you, jobs are nothing but costs and liabilities for the owners of everything. Your Sikorsky Law only results in more unemployment and lower salaries for the ones who solve all the problems in this country.
» You should not tell others what to do. You should listen to what they want. They are not stupid, you know. (Well, perhaps they are: they chose you…) Trust them. Motivate everyone to solve the problems of everyone. Abandon the Jungle politics of the Survival of the Fittest and support the Human politics of One for All and All for One."
"And now you're going to tell me how to do that? You read too many books of fiction, Mister. Politics has always been like this."
"That's why we need someone who tells the people how to do it differently. Better. Not just better for the elite, but better for everyone. Such a person has to be a woman. Men will only think of themselves, while women, mothers, sacrifice everything for their families, the ones they love, the people with whom they live in the same country and who speak the same language. Such a woman would get a statue as big as the Twin Towers. All she has to do is listen to others, think about it, and decide."
"I listen…"
"I have four plans for you. The first plan is «Reward the Workers, Punish Economic Slavery».
» You start like you always start: you raise taxes. You raise import taxes on all the finished goods that cross the border, on everything produced outside of Poland.
» Why do Polish people lose their jobs? Because in other countries, employers don't pay social security, don't care about the environment, and exploit their workers. Thanks to economic slavery, those countries produce cheaper, which is deadly for the Polish labourer.
» With import taxes, the prices of imported luxury goods will rise, but… that's just the short-term effect. Like some modern Robin Hood, you divide the import taxes under the working class. Workers with incomes under 1,5 times the minimum wage get a tax return: their income tax will drop to 0%. This financial advantage is only for good and hard-working people, who work a full-time job, test negative on drugs, don't have any criminal record, and didn't receive fines during the last year. The people with higher incomes, and those who live on social support, will not get their STAR, their Sikorsky Tax Advantage Return.
» When income tax for the workers drops, the costs of Polish labour, and also the prices of Polish products, will go down. Consumers will buy more (cheaper) Polish products, and less (expensive) imported goods. Conclusion: more work for Polish people, less work for low-wage illegal producing aliens, and it costs the Polish taxman nothing. THAT's how you fight unfair competition, Raissa. Punish the alien bad boys and reward your good guys 'n' gals neighbours. It will not cost you one zloty of tax money, and you'll create lots of new jobs."
Raissa is smart enough to understand what I mean. She shows that by summarising it: "Costs of food and other local products will be lower. For the same amount of tax money, we can hire more helping hands in homes for elderly people and hospitals. The imported luxury goods will pay the price: cars and computers and French fashion and American hamburgers will become more expensive."
I continue: "Less import means less transport, which is good for our planet. Less consumption means less pollution, which is also good for our planet. More local food means more healthy food, which is good for our health. More work means more action and less sloth, also excellent for our physical health.
» The second plan is «Polish Positive Power». Use the taxes in our electricity bills to set up a government-owned factory for solar plates and windmills. Found a government-owned electricity company that produces clean energy. Hire jobless people for all that work. Those employees will cost hardly more than the support money you pay them now. How many jobs will you create?
» For every zloty Polish people pay for oil, they reward rich stockholders and millionaire Arab sheiks. Why give the profit to foreign investors if you can keep it to yourself? When you invest in Polish natural energy, you decrease the Polish unemployment and generate extra income for the Polish government at the same time. And there's another benefit: when you motivate consumers to invest in solar panels, or invest your savings in Polish windmill parks, they'll finance the projects for you, and they'll save on their own costs of living at the same time. When Polish people invest 60x the amount of their monthly energy bill in solar energy, they'll earn back their money in 5 years, and profit from free electricity for the rest of their lives. THAT'S how you take care of the environment in your country, and improve the working people's economy at the same time. You can close the Climate Conference with a speech that will shock the world, the rich part of it, and will give hope to the suffering majority."
Raissa is now thinking about her statue, as high as the Eiffel Tower.
I go on: "And there is more. The third plan is «Helping Hands». This is for retired people. They register with their social security number and their bank account. In return, they get cards with their name, registration number, and phone number, plus the blue logo «two helping hands». Small businesses and citizens who register get cards with the same hands, but red. Blue hands offer help, and red hands ask for help. The price per hour is always 25 zloty, about 125% of the minimum wage. No tax, no VAT, no paperwork, just offer and demand.
» When you need a helping hand, you show the red logo. I show you my blue logo. You explain the job and I do it. I might clean your house, deliver a package, babysit, anything retired people can do. When I'm finished, we agree on the hours, and you transfer the costs to a special government bank account, with my social security number plus the date in the description. Automatic software transfers 20 zloty per hour to my bank account, a tax-free extra. The government uses the rest, 5 zloty or 25%, as an extra contribution of the pensions, to help all the retired Polish people who can't work extra hours.
» There is so much work that nobody does, simply because professionals are too expensive and hiring help is too much paperwork. You'll create an entirely new line of service with a unique social face. This will motivate the elderly people to take a pleasant job for a few hours and gain a little extra on top of their small pension. The good part is: those elderly people will spend their extra money, which will generate extra V.A.T. and extra jobs for other people. The knife cuts on both sides and will always stay sharp. Do you want to hear more?"
Raissa, and Scarlett, want to hear more.
"The fourth plan is «Study for Salary». Scarlett knows how much it costs to have two daughters at university. Poor talented students can get a loan, which puts a heavy mortgage on their future. How about a third option: when you sign for a study, at university or a government-sponsored school, you also agree on a Sikorsky Job. That means you'll work 20 hours per week to earn the costs of living, housing and the contribution of the school. Only government-sponsored institutions have the privilege of offering Sikorsky Jobs. When you study medicine, you can work at a hospital. Law students do administrative work for the police or help the judges. Economy students get a job at a ministry or at the town hall, learning how hard you have to work and what we use all that tax money for. Sikorsky-job students are cheap, flexible and perfect to assist where the government needs extra energy to get rid of the overdue work. The students also need to study, but you can open schools to teach them in the evening or keep the working places open for the student-workers on the weekends.
» Is there a problem in healthcare? Too many patients and not enough helping hands? Student-workers can close the gap. Don't sell national healthcare to private enterprises. Keep safety, education, energy public transport, and health in government hands. In healthcare, try the Chinese method: give a fixed salary to the doctor, and stop his pay when you get ill."
Raissa and Scarlett grin.
I finish my monologue: "Each student gets a labour contract for the time of the study. They are students, who work and learn at the same time. Therefore, each student gets a mentor, who teaches the young adults during working hours how to take care of others. The mentors will be army personnel. When there's no war, we might give our heroes the important task of teaching our youngest generation how they can live in peace. After the study, the graduate gets a diploma from the school, but also a recommendation from the mentor: «this student didn't just pass the test, but also proved hor worth in the field, under tough conditions».
» This Sikorsky Student Salary Scholarship System will grant everybody the right to work for their future. Work is a matter of dedication, not a matter of luck.
» Politicians should not give money to poor people; they should give them a chance to earn themselves a living. Education is the key. A country with unemployment is a country without work, and a country with no work is a country with no problems. Every a problem is a job, waiting for someone. As a politician, it's not your job to create more problems; it's your job to motivate your country-folks to solve the problems they already have.
» Remember King Krakus. He promised his daughter to the one who killed the dragon. It didn't cost him one cent. Skuba did the work and solved the problem, and after he married his «reward», he had to work a lot harder to fulfil all her royal desires. He even got a mother-in-law, as an end-of-year bonus."
Raissa mutters: "Mothers, and mothers-in-law, are marvellous creatures. Some even listen to others and think about what they say. Listening provides a mother with better information and new ideas, which can help her career and improve the lives of all her children."
"If you're a genuine leader, if you love your country and the people who live there, you should stimulate people to work and to study and to save money for their future. It's simple, it's honest, it closes the wide gap between rich and poor, it makes life better for the large majority of the people who voted for you, and it will make the export position of your country a lot better. Everyone will benefit, except the vultures that don't work and get rich from it."
"I studied economy, but nobody ever taught me the lesson you taught me today.", Raissa says.
"That's because you studied I-Conomy. Scarlett and I, we teach WE-Conomy. But we don't blame you. We don't nail you on this bed because former Polish leaders didn't give you the education you deserved. As long as you learn from your mistakes, and undo the damage you created, we might forgive you your sins. You're an intelligent woman, open for every good plan that comes on your path. We trust you to do the right thing. Millions of people voted for you because they trust you to help them."
"It's time you take away those ropes and open the door, Mister. I promise you… No. I guarantee that nobody will arrest you and your little girlfriend. You can go your way like you let me go mine. And your four fiction fantasies will not disappear into some drawer after the elections."
"I don't like promises, Misses Sikorsky. I like deals. I want to make a deal with you: if you let us go, I will not publish the video of our little session here on the Internet. Do you see that little red light there, on top of the Iron Maiden? My friend, The Nerd, has a recording of our whole adventure. He's good at keeping secrets, but he also knows everyone who is interested in the latest scandals. I give you the chance to undo the damage of your Sikorsky Law, and I gave you four tools to do it with. If you keep your part of the deal, I will keep mine. Do we shake hands to agree?"
"And if I'm not re-elected?"
"When you announce your plan to lower the income taxes up to 0%? Are you joking?"
"People won't believe me. There never was one politician in world's history who lowered taxes."
"We'll tattoo it on your forehead: No tax!!! No tax!!! No tax!!!"
"And if others vote against my initiative?"
"If anyone blocks your plans, you call us and we'll take him out for a walk with needles and pins. If you don't work on the plan, if you don't show progress in the news every week, we'll know where to find you, and we'll reward you with one little tattoo, a fat four-letter word on your forehead."
"F*CK?"
"TECK. It stands for Time, Energy, Creativity and Knowledge; that's all you'll need to solve any problem."
Raissa thinks for a moment, visualises the future, and decides: "I like the offer of a handshake better. But you'll have to untie me first."
Scarlett wants to add something to the discussion too: "What are you going to tell your bodyguards?"
I answer the question: "We protected our dearly beloved Minister after we spotted a terrorist. Politics is easy: you have to find someone else to blame. What will happen with Raissa's career when the press hears that someone tried to kill her but didn't succeed? BOOM! She's going to become the next President. We can do her that favour, but we want something back: a guarantee to protect hard-working people against greedy companies, and measures that motivate more people to help others. Do you, Raissa Sikorsky, in front of the Iron Lady, promise to keep your part of our deal?"
"I promise."
"You can untie her ropes, Scarlett. She's not going to bed with you. This is love, not sex."