Last night, after dinner, Scarlett and I did the rounds of the neighbourhood, asking the people we knew for help and information. We preferred to buy our supplies at the shops of our Jungleland neighbours. By asking around if anyone knew a good butcher for the barbecue, we found not only a lot of goodwill but also many helping hands.
But organizing a party for 1.000 guests is more than spending money. It requires skills of planning and organizing, it requires patience and tolerance, and above all, it requires the capacity to improvise. Scarlett has it all.
I have to cook for a thousand people, but Scarlett takes care I don't have to worry about anything else. She runs around, runs errands and runs the show. She makes notes, makes phone calls and makes people do whatever is needed. And most of all, she does it with a smile and a joy that infects the entire Jungle.
At 9:00 AM, the first minivans and small lorries arrive on the square between the towers of Jungleland. Ten big barbecues on one side, on the other side large stainless steel tables to work on, a complete mobile waterfront (wash basins, taps, and three dishwashers) on the left, and several mobile electric stoves and refrigerators on the right. At 10:00 AM, all the hardware is up and running.
Jungleland is not just a collection of gangsters and junkies. Most neighbours are normal poor people. Many of them have jobs or even run their own small business. Those are the ones who come next: bakers bring bread, butchers bring meat, greengrocers bring vegetables, and Tomasz and the gang know where we can get the cheapest deals for beer, wine and soft drinks.
Barbara handles the salad department: I explain the recipe of my favourite Sweet Sampdoria pasta salad, and she explains it in Polish to the twenty-something women who had offered to help. The salad is a good choice because you can prepare it in the afternoon and keep it cool in the refrigerator (well, in 20 refrigerators). Tonight, all we have to do is serve it.
For 1.000 guests, you take 200 sweet onions, 120 red paprika-peppers, 200 small cans of sweet corn, 40 kilos of sweet peas, 20 kilos of cherry tomatoes and 2400 black olives. If you like, you can add pieces of roasted chicken, cooked ham or smoked salmon. You cut everything and mix it with 60 kilos of cooked macaroni. For the dressing, you mix 800 spoons of mayonnaise with 50 kilos of Greek yoghurt, 800 spoons of olive oil (extra virgen) and half a forest of cut leaves of fresh basil. And finally, you add 10 kilos of Parmesan cheese on top of it. Everybody loves that salad.
Scarlett had another job for the boys: she arranged 200 wide paper bags and 50 kilos of white sand. A bit of sand on the bottom of each sack made it stand open on the floor. With a tea-light, a small wax candle in an aluminium cup, you turn it into a fairy-tale illumination.
Music is no problem either: several neighbours earn pocket money with DJ-gigs and equipment. The boys of the weed plants on the 13th floor take care of electricity, Tomasz and the gang install lights and speakers, and everybody else gets infected with enthusiasm for the upcoming events.
Scarlett is full of ideas: "What do we do with tableware?"
"What do you mean?"
"Red! Do those people have to eat with their hands? Did you plan to throw a few pieces of meat into the crowd, to let them fight for it and tear it apart with their claws and teeth? We need plates and forks and spoons and knives and cups and glasses… Never mind. I have an idea. You take care of that charcoal, and I take care of the rest."
A little later, small posters hang everywhere, inviting the neighbours to the Jungleland barbecue, which starts at 18:00 and will last until 24:00. It's free, but not for nothing… There's a Climate Conference going on. We want to teach those leaders a lesson. They might learn from us how we, the animals from the jungle, take care of our own environment. We ask everyone to take hor own plate, cutlery and glass (and if you want to sit: a chair), so we save both the earth and our own money, avoiding 1.000 kilos of waste, plastic plates and other expensive disposals.
Things are running out of hand. At 17:30, there's already a line waiting while I'm still busy, lightening the barbecues. Journalists and photographers walk around, trying to interview Scarlett (who has no time) and end up chatting with Barbara (who has shiploads of kind words available, giving them generously to every ear that wants to listen). When the music starts, the square fills up, first with lookers on the side but soon enough with dancers in the centre. From that moment on, I have no more time to look around. 1.000 hamburgers and 1.000 sausages and 1.000 spareribs are waiting for their turn, or they will burn.
How do you avoid that the biggest predators of the jungle eat all the food and leave nothing for the others? Scarlett installed three girls behind a registration table. Everyone who gives hor name and address gets a bunch of coloured papers, stapled together. A yellow paper is for a burger, a green one for a sausage, a red one for a drink, so there's enough for everyone and nobody from outside can disturb the party.
Scarlett has even thought of a special corner with tables and chairs for the wheelchairs and other less mobile neighbours: they have their own waiters who take care of everything.
The barbecue is a success and Scarlett deserves all the credits. At the end of the night, just before the last dance, she asks the music to stop, takes the microphone and makes a quick speech: "This is Jungleland. Nobody helps us, but we don't need help; we give help. Nobody cares about us, but we don't care because we care about each other. We're a species, threatened with extinction. That's because we are special. In a selfish world, we're what's left of paradise. We have nothing, which means we have nothing to lose. Nobody can hurt us. Nothing scares us. I'm proud to be part of this community. This barbecue, on the first Saturday of September, will become a tradition, just for us, free citizens of the independent republic of Jungleland; the rest of the world is NOT invited. Thank you all, for making this party unforgettable."
Unforgettable it is. How could Scarlett ever be afraid she'll never find a job? She's just elected, unanimously, as the new President of the independent republic of Jungleland.
* * *
«I'm a leader of a criminal organization. I'm going to jail. Help!» plus three times «urgent» to make sure I will wake up after… pfff… two hours and forty minutes of sleep… and a weblink.
I always thought this part of the job was the most interesting: spies like James Bond rescue innocent girls from dangerous situations and impossible problems. I'm not sure yet if Scarlett is innocent. In a moment, I'll have a look if the situation and the problem are big enough for the plot of the next 007-film. Right now, I can only ask myself if those girls in need can't follow the script and save their problematic situations for decent hours. When daylight turns to moonlight, I'm at my best: dressed, shaved and showered. It's Sunday morning, 07:19, and I'm not at my best at all.
When last night's party was over and the mess was cleaned up, I received a message from #1, The Boss, with the instruction to dress in a formal suit and go to a certain nightclub. My mission was to keep an eye on several of the guests, names and photos included, to take pictures of every scandalous situation these names and photos entered. I was there until almost 5:00 AM, but the names and photos did nothing but behave themselves like the English Queen on a day at the races and a night at the opera: no sex 'n' drugs 'n' rock 'n' roll; just tea 'n' mineral water 'n' polite conversation.
I open the link and drop into the front page of «the Sun of the South», the leading newspaper in Krakow and the south of Poland.
A headline: «Lion Queen organizes crime in Jungleland». A photo of Scarlett in her leopard leggings, doing her goodnight speech. An article about last night, full of words like «drugs» and «prostitution» and «small crime unites» and «local mafia». More photos, showing junks and whores and a fight. And an excuse for not having more proof because someone stole the 2.000 euro digital Hasselblad camera of the reporter during the event, and he was threatened, and had to run for his life, and finally a name, Martin Vanger, the man who wrote the article.
I was there, but… All I saw were pieces of roasted meat. I have no idea what happened. I have a better idea: coffee.
* * *
"Wait, Scarlett. Calm down. Please. At least give me the chance to say «good morning». It's Sunday. That's supposed to be a day to relax."
I take a seat on her couch and close my eyes, trying to concentrate.
Scarlett takes the hint: "Do you want a cup of coffee?"
"That would be nice, thank you. I visited William Oglethorpe on my way here: he promised to be nice, not to tell anything to anyone. We can keep his credit card until the end of the Climate Conference. In return for the favour, I released him from his chair and gave him permission to shower and change. I also fixed your minor problem with the newspaper. If you look at the website of «the Sun of the South» now, you'll see that the article has been removed. Later today, they will publish a positive article about the Jungleland's contribution to saving the planet."
"How did you do that?", Scarlett asks.
"It was easy. Do you remember, last night, that ugly man with short red hair and a red beard, taking photos? His name is Martin Vanger. He works for «the Sun of the South». He tried to get a blow job from one of the young ladies present, but he tried to get it for free. The lady answered he could blow himself. So he took revenge with the article, trying to score points by confirming the stereotype of this neighbourhood to his readers, and trying to claim 2.000 euros from his insurance company with a story about a stolen camera… that he used two hours later in a certain nightclub in the centre, shooting each world leader who crossed a border of behaviour. I interviewed the blow-job lady this morning. It was Anja. She was earning her breakfast by putting the tables and chairs on the terrace of Café Curva. I have her testimony on video, combined with some photos I took last night, in that same nightclub where Martin still had the camera he claimed to be stolen earlier. I thought it was strange when you upload photos to your newspaper after your camera has been stolen, so I sent Martin an email with proof attached plus the kind request to delete the article or face the consequences. He will not bother you anymore."
Half a minute later, I have to press Scarlett's «pause»-button, rewind and play her reaction again, in slow motion, with subtitles, because I couldn't follow it the first time. It's still early. I hardly slept tonight. I'm not at my best.
"Oh, that's wonderful (relief), thank you, Red (gratitude), I felt so embarrassed when I saw that article (shame), I expected the police any moment to arrest me (fear). I could kill that man (anger). It's not fair (despair), after everything I did (indignation). Why do people do such a thing (surprise)? All we did was have a good time (kindness). It was a great party, wasn't it (joy)? I think it will change life in the ghetto (trust). We taught the world a lesson (pride). By doing it together, even the poorest can get a better life (anticipation). Pfff."
"Congratulations, Scarlett. That's 13 different emotions in 24 seconds. I know women are more skilled with feelings than men, but I guess this is a new world record. Don't you ever get tired of yourself, jumping from one extreme emotion into another one? Oh, yes, you said «Pfff», exhaustion, that's 14 emotions."
"You're making fun of me!"
"No, I'm not. I try to teach you something. You're caught up in a whirlwind with your ever-changing moods. I wish we'd move together, but since we're caught up in the wilderness of Jungleland… In my world, there are two important things: skills and control. I saw you in action yesterday, and I admire the skills you have; you organize a party for one thousand visitors in one day, everybody has a great time, and you close the event with ten short and simple words that will motivate everybody in this neighbourhood for the upcoming year. I admire your skills, Scarlett. It will be no problem at all for you to find another job."
"I was offered a job. There was some guy who runs a catering company. He gave me his card, asked me to call him for a job interview."
"And? Are you going to call him?"
"Serving coffee and cake the rest of my life? Are you crazy? I already have another job: find out who's behind all this unemployment, nail him to the wall, and make him pay for what he did."
"That's what I try to explain to you: if you want your revenge, you'll need to control your ever-changing moods. You're too emotional. You jump from one extreme feeling into another. Don't let your emotions control you; control your emotions."
Most women would jump and shout if anyone would say something like this. Most women would angrily try to convince me that emotions can't be controlled, especially not when you're a woman. Scarlett knows I'm not stupid: "I'm listening."
"Do you have a piece of paper and a pen?"
On top of the page, I write «The House Of I». I fill the rest of the sheet with a simple drawing: a square, a triangle on top of it and three blocks under it, like a child's drawing of a house with three blocks of foundation. Next to the foundation, I write «A.R.E.», next to the ground floor I write «activities» and next to the attic I write «dreams». To make it even clearer, I write the words Past, Present and Future next to each section and write in each of the ARE-basement blocks one of the words «Abilities», «Resources» and «Education».
In the 'garden' next to the house, I draw a four-leaf clover and write the letters T, E, C and K in the leaves: "This is for good luck. TECK stands for Time, Energy, Creativity and Knowledge. Together with the two hands and one head that you have in your Resources-foundation, these fantastic four are everything you'll need to solve every problem. Do you want to organize a party? You dedicate your time and energy, use your knowledge about where to hire help, use your creativity to solve the financial part of the problem, and look at the result…"
"These fantastic four won't solve the problems you'll get when you decide to become a painter. Your drawings are worse than those of a four-year-old.", Scarlett says.
"When I was four years old, I didn't care about painting; I wanted to be a spy. Your parents probably read you stories of Cinderella or Peter Pan, but when I was a kid, it was my grandfather who read me stories. He read to me every night a few pages from his favourite book, «The Spy Who Came in from the Cold» by John le Carré. When he finished the last chapter, the sad final chapter, he wiped away a tear and started with «the Bourne Identity». I learnt to read from spelling books by Ian Fleming and Len Deighton. I wanted to be a spy. That was my dream: impossible, but not problematic.
» I read about mental training and wrote in the attic of my own «House of I»: «learn 7 languages». Then I started to study. When the seventh language had become part of my Education, I wrote down my next goal: study Economy. Skill after skill passed from my roof-dreams via my activities to my basement. Finally, I reached the impossible and became a spy. There's never any guarantee you'll get what you work for, but you can always look into the mirror and tell yourself you did absolutely everything you could. If you wouldn't have done it, you wouldn't even have that little chance you have now. It worked for me, and it worked for many successful and happy people."
"And what do I do with it?"
"Everybody needs two things in life: a dream and an activity. If that activity leads to fulfilling your dream, you'll have a meaningful and happy life, which is our most important goal. This «House of I» is a simple model to help you rationalise and relativise. It helps you make better choices and focus on your goals. Everybody needs a dream (I write «Revenge» in the roof), everybody needs an activity that will lead to that goal, that dream (I write «Nail the bastard» in the middle part of the house) and everybody has a foundation, a collection of what you 'a.r.e.', of what you have (I write «one head, two hands, one friend, lots of time, no financial problems» in the basement).
» ARE stands for Abilities, Resources and Education. The model is simple. Imagine you want to become a stewardess: you need to speak English. If you don't have that skill in your basement, you write it in your roof as a goal and you dedicate TECK (Time, Energy, Creativity and Knowledge) to your daily activities until your dream comes true.
» Every known problem can be solved with the right combination of those four TECK ingredients. Time we have available until we die; we just have to choose how to use or waste the time given to us. Energy, motivation if you like, is also available; you can decide to use your energy for other purposes, or you can boost the activities that lead to fulfilling your dream. Knowledge comes from study, training, asking others for help or looking things up; if you invest in knowledge, you'll have it available when you need it, and you can dedicate time and energy to get it. The final element, creativity, is also something you can learn; solving problems is most of the time just a matter of finding the right way to do it."
"From my boss, I learnt how to be creative, mainly in creative bookkeeping, which was his terminology for «avoid paying taxes». If you like, I can teach you some tricks…"
"Right now, we have other priorities, as you can read in our model. How many languages do you speak?"
"Polish, English, German, Russian and a little bit of Portuguese; our main suppliers are based in Brazil."
"How much time did it take you to learn German, for example?"
"I don't remember. I learnt the basics at school and I learnt to speak and write it better while working at the office. Russian is a better example: I followed a course for three years, every week two evenings of 4 hours at school and 16 hours of homework. That's… 3 years times 40 weeks times 24 hours is… about 3,000 hours."
"How often do you speak Russian?"
"I don't know. Once every month, perhaps."
"How many hours did you spend on mental training?"
"Sorry?"
"Mental training: learning how to make the best of your mind and your memory, learning how to become creative, how to motivate others and yourself, how to control negative emotions and turn them into positive elements of your life. It includes skills like communication and how to maintain relations with other people. You spent 3.000 hours, learning a skill you'll need twelve times per year. How many hours did you spend on a skill that you use every day? How many hours did you spend on mental training?"
"I never knew there was such a thing as mental training. Do you learn that at the spy school?"
"You can learn it by reading books. You spend so much time, doing what others tell you to do, but you don't spend any time at all to find out how to make your own life happy and fulfilling. It's your main goal in life, but you prefer to jump around between emotions and do all sorts of things that others want from you. It's time to learn a better way.
» You start with filling in your dreams, your own definition of «quality of life». If you write your goals in the roof of your own «House of I», you can easily find out which skills and resources you need to reach that goal. If you put too many goals, you won't have the time and the energy to fulfil them all, so you make a list of priorities. If the necessary skills and resources are too much or impossible, you have to make a choice. You make that choice with both your logical intelligence and your emotional feelings, and you promise yourself to be efficient and purposeful towards your long-term goals. That's how you rationalise and relativise.
» Then come all those little things that have their influence on your everyday life: a friend asks if you like to join her weekly entertainment-thing, you can't study because you're ill, you get an offer for a job or another house… You have to make choices, mainly between short-term time-and-energy-consuming activities and your long-term goals. If your planning is well, you'll have time for everything that's important, and if your long-term goals are well defined, it's easy to decide what you have to give up for them and why you do that. Of course, you are always free to change your plans or to stop dreaming."
Scarlett is a quick learner: "So if my final goal is to fly to the moon, I have to divide that into smaller goals like getting my licence to fly a plane, getting into shape, learning astrology, and then I make a plan, or I decide that it's out of reach and find another dream. And when my dream requires a small fortune, my activities should include saving money to grow that fortune. Step by step, like tread stones. Right?"
"Exactly. Step one is to dominate emotions: it's fine to have them, it's great to dream about flying to the moon, but if there's no basement to start from, you have to realise it's just a dream and focus on something more realistic."
"You've filled it like it should be: revenge and nothing more."
"And when the revenge is over?"
"Tomorrow is another day. We'll see what revenge brings. What's your next lesson?"
"Repeat."
"What's your next lesson?"
"No, my next lesson is: repeat. Some call it «visualise success», others call it «wishful thinking», but the technique is the same: repeat. You've just learnt to make a plan, but it's important to you look at that plan every day, think it over every day, remember why it's important and why you sacrifice your time and energy, and why you like to learn all those things. You will get impressions from everywhere, from everyone, and they will all try to get your attention or your money. You are tempted. Make an analysis of consequences. Watching that program on TV or having that fancy holiday trip or buying that new dress, it will all be wonderful, but… you have to visualise your goals, keep to your planning, focus on what's important for you. Don't jump from one emotion to another without knowing where it will lead to. You can spend your money and waste your time on everything, but the real price will be that you won't achieve the highest goal you've set for yourself. Repeat to yourself what you want and how you're going to do it. Success is a choice, and this is what the process of choice looks like."
"TECK, a dream and an activity, and repeat, repeat, repeat. That's all?"
"Final class: have fun."
"Yeah. Life is hard, remember?"
"That's why you need to learn to have fun. I'm serious here. Learning skills is not a punishment; it's a reward. Happiness and having fun are strongly related, but happiness is more than a laugh at a joke or being lucky in the lottery. The most important part of happiness depends on long-term goals, like you will be the happiest person in the world when your daughters are happy, or when you can look back at something impossible that you achieved, thanks to all the hard work you did to get it.
» Having fun is a long-term motivator. You can go to school and hate every day, or you can go to school with the excitement of learning important things for your future. It's the same school. It's the same class. Your attitude makes the difference. It's easier to change what's inside your head than to change the world outside it. If you learn how to have fun with everything you do, there's hardly anything else you need to know. Having fun is the best motivator there is.
» Haven't you noticed how motivated Jungleland is to keep their environment clean, so they can have another barbecue next year? They won't do that if someone threatens them with rules and punishment, but you inspired them to have fun, and it worked. You ARE the Lion Queen of Jungleland, Scarlett. Everybody loves you here. You're fun to be with."
Scarlett is silent, thinking it over for a while. I love to work with highly educated, responsible, experienced, middle-aged women. They make the best partners any spy can wish for.
"Thanks for the compliment, Red. You're fun to be with too. Sometimes, I almost forget about the mess I'm in. But I'm happy with that tool you gave me, the «House of I». I'll put it on the door of my refrigerator so I will see it every morning. Repeat, focus, and have fun, thinking about what I will do with the snake who worked me out of my paradise. Fun might be a nice motivator, but I'm running on hate. Hate motivates more than enough."
BEEP
I look at my spiPhone and finish my coffee: "I have to go. Sunday is a working day when you're in the spy business. I have to deliver some documents to a certain embassy and try to find some classified information while I'm there. Do I see you tomorrow at the depot for the package delivery?"
"And what about my focus on my planning on my «House of I» of my revenge? Do I put that in the freezer until the global warming is over?"
"No. I already have a plan, but we can't start with it today. We have to wait until the shops open, tomorrow afternoon. Our next step towards our goal is called «shopping»."