Should i go to him or not? This is the only thought which was running through my mind now. It's 10:47pm to be exact.
It's been 15 days after our short trip to hospital and 15 damn days i haven't seen him. The whole ride that day was as usual in silence but not a comfortable one. He was angry that I knew very well but why? I don't know.
After that not even once he came to me. No one was letting my foot out of my bed, out of bedroom was way too much. I was waiting for him to at least show up but not even once he came to check up on me.
After thinking very much, here I was standing Infront of his room. Dr.Mazhar told me not to walk very much but try to walk at least 30 minutes in a day.
'Ya Allah! Please be with me'
Making a quick prayer, I took a deep breath and knocked the door.
Seconds later he opened the door, looking at me, a look of surprise flashed across his face but in seconds it was gone, he arched his one eyebrow asking me about my arrival at his door.
"Umm...Can we talk"? I asked a bit hesitant. What if he refused? He looked at me for good 1 minute before nodding his head. He gestured his hand inside and started to walk towards his bed but I cleared my throat gaining his attention.
He frowned when he saw I was still outside. I still remember his words cut and clear.
'Don't you ever dare to sit on my bed again even better don't ever dare to come in my room again'
After that night I didn't ever stepped in his room again. "Not here" I sighed.
Still frowning he got out of his room and we made our way to the Garden outside. Sitting on the bench beside the fountain, he turned to me waiting for me to talk.
I again sighed and started "I know you don't like me and I comp....." I trailed off when I heard his voice, his words which again broke my heart. "I don't"
I know he don't like me but listening from him just broke my heart.... again.
I averted my eyes from him disheartened and looked at my hands.
"I know" My voice came out in a whisper.
I calmly continued "What I am trying to say is, You don't like me and I completely understand but our parents maybe don't, They very soon will talk about rukhsati «Marry off the woman to her husband's house» so....." I again trailed off when he cutted me off in between my sentence.
"So you want rukhsati"? His voice was so deep that I felt a electric chill rustled down my spine. He seems somewhat angry. Was he again taking my words in a wrong way?
I frowned but calmly answered "No" His expression changed. Which were a bit angry turned in rage. He fisted his hands and his jaw was clenched hard. Now what?
"Continue" I heard his voice again. Hesitantly I started saying "So, I know you don't want this rukhsati...."
"Who said that"? What the hell? He again interrupted me. But wait! What did he said? I looked at him confused.
"No one" I answered him still confused. I am not understanding him even a bit now. What exactly he want?
"Then on what basis you are saying this"? He asked burning holes Infront of the tree.
"Well your behaviour tells that" He scoffed at my answer. I continued "I will talk to everyone and will file the divorce" I uttered those words with placing a stone on my heart. I never in my life had imagined that I will ever say these words.
"Just shut your drama up, if you wanted you would have stopped it on the very day of nikkah but no you wanted this, you always wanted this don't you? You knew i loved Rameen but don't know what you told her on the phone that she rejected me because of you" He semi yelled in rage standing up from the bench and my eyes widened.
"I didn't said anything to him Zay believe me" I also stood up from the bench panicking.
What the hell is he saying? Drama, What Drama? What did I told Rameen that even I don't know?
"Don't call me Zay. How many times should I repeat myself"? He asked shooking me aggressively close to him. His eyes were yelling pure rage. His hold on my arms was getting more tight with every passing seconds.
"Divorce? You want divorce? You will never get. Just get this straight in your head. From now on the things you want you will never get. Everything will be of my way. I don't love you, I will proof it. Be ready for the news" He pushed me away aggressively leaving the garden. I sat on the grass as my legs were too numb to stand still. I am a crying mess right now.
'Ya Allah! What did I actually have done? Am I that bad? No one wants to know my views. Everyone are just making me dance on their fingers. My parents wanted to keep their words so forced me for the nikkah «Marry» Zaydan! which was once my Zay now always takes my words wrongly. There was a time when we didn't needed words to know our thoughts now even my words are not clear enough to make him understand my thoughts. There is Taya Jaan «Uncle» and Tayi Jaan «Aunty» but I can't tell them anything because my parents forced me to swear on them. Ya Allah! Help. What should I do"?
I placed my knees close to my chest and my head in my knees. I cried my heart out. 5 years of my pain I let it all out.
How can he think I intentionally ruined his life with doing nikkah with him. Don't he know me? Didn't he knew his Haya? I tried to sacrifice my love for him by refusing for nikkah heck I begged my parents, jeopardize my dream of Canada, tried to make Rameen understand. Just what I didn't? Then why Zay?
Stop it Hayat! Not Zay, his name is Zaydan get that straight in your head.
And stop crying Hayat. He don't deserve your tears, your love, your everything.
I cleaned my tears from my face slowly standing up from the ground. My foot was again slightly paining.
I will proof him I don't love him.