What is this? A dream? I know I had something similar once before, but now, what is it about?
I am walking down a street, maybe coming home from school; I can't make out many details about my surroundings since almost everything has a black shape. There are a few patches of colour here and there, but those are few and far between. Things weren't looking up for me back then; now, even in these dreams, not everything is pretty. People pass beside me on the street; they wear large smiles, the black shapes that have human forms somehow have a visible smile or a laugh, pointing their fingers at me. People always made fun of my condition; I didn't know what I could have done back then; compared to the 18-year-old me, it is a night and day difference.
"How are you, Hikaru? Are you ok?"- Another figure appeared beside me, Hana from back then; she wasn't even a clear figure; she looked different than what I can remember, but at least she was the only clarity I had in this dream. Hana walked home with me from school; she lives here as well, and her parents are nowhere to be seen; that's what I thought back then. She grew up as an adopted child, but I had never seen her that way. To me, she was always my little sister.
"I don't know if I am okay or not, Hana. I don't know. Also, which way was our house again?" I looked up at the sky, which was black.
"Follow me, come on," Hana grabbed my hand and dragged me to our house. The trip was swift. In dreams, movements like these are mostly instant.
I set up everything that I needed to start the homework that I had that day at school.
I tried to hold my pen, but my left hand started to shake, and my whole body felt heavy, with whispers everywhere. A psychotic episode, huh? I haven't had one in a while.
Noticing me, Hana spoke:
"It's ok, Hikaru. I want you to be ok. I can stay here with you and help you with your homework if you want to. You don't look that good to me. I will be here to help you." Hana looked in my backpack; I was too tired to stop her or do anything. I have been taking new meds that were prescribed to me, I am sleeping in class, and the teachers are mad at me. I don't know what to say or do in this situation. That was what the younger me was thinking; I don't know what to feel about revisiting these memories or what's left of them; looking at the room I stand in, it too is black, like everything I can't remember; it just turns into a black shape that can resemble the original thing, but you can't recognise it anymore.
I looked at the memory for a long time and saw how the younger Hana helped the younger to do his homework. I can only tell you this: my memory of these events also distorted over time. All of this that Daisuke sees now, all my memories and the flashback to my past life, happened more than 500 years before he arrived here. Now, getting back to the actual memory.
Looking back at my homework, I couldn't finish it all in one sitting; I got sleepy quickly.
"Here, rest, and we will continue"- Hana sat down near me and began to sleep near me. I forgot which season it was or if we even had a warm blanket; I don't think it matters now.
After a few hours, I woke up feeling exhausted, but at least I could move and think a little.
I completed my homework with Hana and then went back to sleep. Hana went into her room to rest as well.
I woke up at around 1 AM to the feeling of someone touching me on my neck; it was a distinct feeling of a human hand. Young me was so scared of these psychotic episodes so much, the me from now would have shrugged it off as soon as it happened.
I sleep face down without a pillow to avoid any hallucinations or to avoid them scaring me right away when I wake up. It's helpful in most situations, at least for me, but in this world, I no longer have these conditions, for which I am grateful.
"What is that?" I looked at a figure of a man standing on my bed, touching my neck with his hand. He was covered in darkness, nothing but a black shape. I blinked a few times, and then he was gone.
The pills seem to have an effect, but not as great now. I had been taking them for only a few months now, but I still couldn't get the hang of living on them 24/7.
I looked out of the window of my house, looking into the street at the nightlife of my city. I can't sleep. Besides the window, I have a balcony in there. I went to the balcony and looked at the moon.
I spent a lot of time there and didn't notice how fast the sun started to rise—well, not rise, but close to it.
"The moon is lovely, isn't it? The moon won't be in the sky long, Hikaru"- Hana surprised me. I didn't expect her to be here a bit late, but better late than never.
"Well, it is lovely, especially when you are here, Hana. Thank you for being here for me." I collapsed from exhaustion. We didn't have school until Monday, so I slept two whole days. I woke up parched and hungry.
I couldn't eat too much; only a few hours left in the day.
The next day at school:
People are stupid, and they do everything to show you that.
"Hey, Hikaru!"- I hear a loud whisper behind me. I saw one of the older kids in school behind me.
"I know it was you; quit doing that; it isn't helping anyone"- I turned away, and he looked at me dumbfounded.
"I didn't do anything. Maybe you have gone crazy; wait, you are crazy!" he started laughing at me. I bolted to the classroom and felt a pair of eyes watching me. Is it paranoia? Well, looking back now, it really was paranoia, but young me barely got the hand of his condition, and this was when my mind wasn't that degraded; I still could remember things OK. I needed some time, but the difference was minor.
What is happening to me? I learned as much as I could about my condition, but I can't manage it still; what should I do? What can I do?
I sat down for class, and the moment I sat down, sleepiness started to take over my body, and I fell asleep.
"Hikaru, wake up. You didn't sleep at night?"- The teacher woke me up; it wasn't new. From what I can deduce, that teacher wasn't familiar with my condition. It wasn't Miss Hiratsuka; it was someone else, someone I can't remember their name.
"Sorry"- I can hear whispers again all around me; where are my classmates?
"Can you please quiet down? It's all too much for me!" I shouted as loud as I could. I couldn't take it anymore, even though I knew it had only been a few months. I bolted outside of the classroom and hid in the hallway.
I waited outside of the classroom for school to end. The past months were hell for me. I decided to see what was going to happen if I stopped taking my pills, and things got worse; it's bad with them, but worse without them.
"I can't suffer it anymore; I must do something about it" – Well, I did something about it, but it wasn't as clever as I thought.
Everything was a blur back then. When I arrived home with Hana, she was worried about me, and she still is years later. I am lucky to have a sister like her.
"What happened, Hikaru? " She sat down near a table. We were in the kitchen and looked at each other for a long time. Hana inched closer to me until she was near me.
She patted my head.
"It's ok, Hikaru. I hope that you will be okay." This is the last thing that I heard from her before falling asleep.
I woke up with Hana holding me in her arms; my shoulder was wet; maybe she cried.
I silently went to the cupboard where we held the knives; looking back at it, that action was rash on my part. I couldn't think straight back then; it wasn't rational compared to my other attempts, which were well thought through. Or maybe I should have opted for a safer option than knives.
I went up to my room. I tried the first time to slit my wrists, but I had no power to do anything; I couldn't just lodge a knife in myself or just cut my veins. I tried and tried; I managed to get a few minor cuts on my arm, but nothing major. I decided to move it to my throat; I put it against my throat and waited for a second, and then a few minutes, and then 30 minutes, just standing there; I couldn't do it until I started to move the knife slowly, my hands were shaking, and with 1 motion I managed to slit my throat, I didn't do it out of sheer will, my hand shook so much that it slipped. I had had 2nd thoughts back then, well, and when I wanted to put the knife down, it happened.
Anyway, I thought all would have been over soon, but I could hear a voice; I didn't bleed out. I was saved and woke up in a hospital bed in a psych ward. What a life.
Well, I can't say I am not grateful; slitting your own throat hurts like hell.