I lay down in my own small space under the porch. My legs make it difficult for me to lie down. I will have another hard time sleeping tonight, but I have decided to fall asleep.
Yi is taking care of his flowers, or rather he doesn't plan to let himself fall asleep.
I have been watching the swollen left leg that can only be spread out. The air here at night is extremely humid. Although it's not raining, I can almost see the floating water molecules in the air. I am watching the vapor falling outside the porch. I have been holding onto that small medicine bottle, which is not full and is making a small noise. I have a festering leg, like Yi's flowers, which has nothing to do with others. I still have twenty sulfa pills, all of which are here, all the things I have got since abandoning school and joining the army for four years.
In this morning's rain and fog, I stand far away from the entrance of the alley. I am more of a snoop than I am idle. Today, people who come in and out of the shelter are somewhat different from usual. They more or less try to dress their uniforms like military uniforms, and the sentries at the gate actually look like sentries. They used to just sit on the sandbag fortifications.
I wait until the person I am waiting for comes out, and that is vet Hao. He is towing a plank car with the harness on his shoulder. There are two bodies hidden under straw mats on that car. The old man has to take the dead to the small hill behind the shelter to bury them. It is difficult for him to do this, but no one will help him. Most people are starving and exhausted.
I slowly follow vet Hao after he has left the alley for a while, and then take over half of his harness. The old man accepts my help with an expression that is not surprising, and he doesn't say a word as we slowly move towards the hill where the dead are buried.
"Two died in one night. So, there are seven you are going to see off."
Vet Hao corrects my calculation and says: "There's another in malaria this morning. It's eight."
We stop talking and walk towards the graves.
We don't have the strength to climb to the top of the hill which is not high behind the shelter station, nor to dig too deep a hole for the dead. In fact, when we finish digging a hole, we have to pray that there will be no rainstorm, which often happens in this area. Otherwise it is likely to expose our hard buried bodies in the mud and rock.
After digging two holes side by side, vet Hao has to rest for a while. He begins to sharpen the two wooden signs he has brought with him into sharp points that can be inserted into the ground. "Feng Yi, Private, Wuling County, Guizhou Province" and "Zhang Baochang, Private first class, Chifeng County, Jehol Province" are the names and identities they used in the world. There are many such signs on the mountainside, and the faded ink marks indicate that the efforts made by vet Hao for the destination of the dead would mostly be in vain. I don't join him, but instead uses tools to reinforce the soil layer that always collapses due to last night's rain.
After vet Hao finishes his work, he begins to look at me. I drag one leg, but I am very focused, as if I am the only one on this hill.
The old man looks straight at me and says: "What are you gonna do?"
I look at him, looking back cleanly and innocently, "Do what?"
"You never care about the matter of the dead. Yesterday's meal was a bit oily, but it doesn't make you have the heart to swing a shovel for the dead."
I let out a contrived sigh, but it turns into a sincere one, because I have always wanted to sigh, "Just try my best."
Vet Hao teases me: "Why does it suddenly come to your mind?"
I look at him. The old man is not stupid. In fact, the old man is very clever, otherwise he would become another Yi among us — I have to be careful. I use a shovel to tidy the soil, I don't look at him, relaxation is a skill. I look at the soil and say: "I don't want to live like this anymore. My leg has rotten, but I can't rot my whole person."
I don't have to look up and I can guess the old man's expression: a hint of cunning appeared in his loyalty, as if moved, but in fact, it is a pity. "Fanla, I've lived to fifty-six."
I am good at pretending to be foolish. "If I live thirty-two years, I'll be fifty-six."
The old man doesn't plan to play dumb with me, "whether it's a vet or a human doctor, I'm a doctor. Fanla, let me tell you, in the eyes of a doctor, everyone in the world is a patient. If you're sick and want me to help you, you have to be honest. How can a patient play tricks with a doctor? That means the patient doesn't want to be treated."
I don't want to say. I go to the plank car near the dirt road and drag one of their bodies. Vet Hao comes to help me, and we let that body go into the dirt pit. Vet Hao is so tired that he sits down by the pit. I am also tired, but I don't sit next to the old man. Sitting next to the old man is a test.
"Zhang Baochang, from Chifeng, Jehol. That's far away, far away. He doesn't want to be buried here for sure, it's too wet and there aren't any sheep. I'm from Xi'an, and I lived in Xi'an until I was forty-six years old. I wanted to see my son so I moved to the Central Plains. But I want to be buried in the suburbs of Xi'an. What about you, Fanla?"
I start covering Zhang Baochang with soil, which at least can confuse the old man's thinking, "I haven't even wanted to die yet."
Vet Hao crawls away and avoids the dirt I throw. "A twenty-four-years-old man doesn't want to think about this. So what are you thinking about? Just say it."
"I want to make progress."
"Who wrote a letter to his parents and fellow villagers in the first three weeks and sent it out? He was clearly wasting the time in the shelter, but he told his parents that a big war was imminent and he was determined to be perished. He is so progressive." The old man is happy, he is provoking me, and he succeeds. I can't pretend to be sunny anymore. With a gloomy face, I angrily shovel wet soil on Zhang Baochang.
Writing a letter is a foolish thing I did in the midst of cynicism after my entire company was wiped out. I threw back a suicide note as a heroic martyr style, saving myself the encouragement from my parents, fiancée Wendai, and alumni. Being called the backbone of the nation by them who standing and speaking without pain, I would rather be a dead man.
I say gloomily and even violently: "I just want to make fucking progress."
Vet Hao unceremoniously rewards me with the military scolding, "You fucking jerk."
I calmly counter: "Fuck you jerk."
"I know you will come again tomorrow, and you will still carry this kind of nonsense, bullshit. I also tell you that patient plays tricks with doctor, and you'll have to rot to death at the shelter. You don't tell the truth." He is telling the truth. I try to keep my anger at bay. "I want to fight with Japs again." I say honestly and heroically, not like Meng Fanliao who would use all tricks to save himself in the shelter.
I persevere without hesitation. The old man wins over by the monkeys like clever, but the old man will lose due to his soft heart. "If I want to cure my leg, I need fight with the damn Japs again." I say more bravely when I realize that the weight is not enough. Vet Hao looks at me silently, and as for the latter half of the sentence, he will treat it as if I were farting loudly in the strong wind on the mountaintop.
The old man is grinning bitterly, "Son, don't do this anymore. I know what your rotten liver looks like." This is his pet phrase of disbelief, as if the livers of those he suspects would grow differently from others.
"My rotten liver looks like all you damn peoples' livers in this world."
Vet Hao shakes his head and says: "There's a lot of anger and resentment in your belly. Who can argue with you? You listen or not, I really want to let you go fight the Japanese. You really should go fight the Japanese again, and your leg really needs great treatment. But you can't fight with your leg at all, and you're afraid of war as well. You only want your leg, you don't want to fight."
I'm leaning on the shovel. There's no need to pretend to be foolish when we're at this level.
"Americans pay for guns, not only guns, but also airplanes and cannons, hospitals, and medicine. I heard that they can even replace a broken arm or leg. They can cure your leg. You go there, just to keep your leg. You're collecting debt, but you don't know who to turn to for help… Fanla, you just directly slept last night?"
I really want to say: "None of your business!" But the old man's eyes make something soothing. I hesitate for a moment and say: "Yes, I slept."
Vet Hao gets up and looks at me. I look at him with a provocative posture. He passes me and looks at the patch like shelter at the foot of the hill in the damp air, as if he isn't talking to me at all. "What a soulless guy," he says. "Hearing the news, figuring out some tricks, and then he really fell asleep. Last night, the shelter was turned upside down, and Yi went to fight with Dragon because Dragon said that all the people who want to go are firewood which should be burnt to ashes and flies which should be slapped."
He looks at me, and I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I still let out an "aha". I imagine Yi being stabbed down by one hand of the Dragon, like stabbing a baby. I know this is not just imagination, it is something that happened last night when I was asleep.
Old Hao makes an expression with a facial mismatch at me, imitating Yi's bad face after being beaten. "Yi's face, it's like this now. Bula, he's been borrowing money from people all night. For what? He even pawned his clothes and gun, so he went to the pawnshop early this morning to work for the owner. They all don't have a leg to cure, they're just going, thinking they can really win a big battle this time. They really want to earn it back. You really don't want it? You never want it. You look back. You never look."
I look back, and when I look back, I can see our patch-tumor like shelter at the foot of the hill. Just now, I had been obsessed with my own thoughts and didn't notice the small figures in the yard fighting like chickens and dogs.
I turn back to look at vet Hao, and my gaze is as provocative as Dragon's. "I won't do it. Why do I earn the right to be cannon fodder?"
The old man looks at me and sighs: "Your heart is a bit moldy. You just want to take it out and step into the sun. Fanla, you're smarter than them all. You know if the shelter is reorganized, and your physical condition needs to be proved by me. You've found the right person. As long as it's not for your leg, you say you want to see the sun, you want to bask in it, you nod, and I'll help you."
He looks at me, and I stare at him. After waiting for a long time, vet Hao begins to bury Zhang Baochang, whom I had partially abandoned, while I look at the patch-tumor like shelter. From my sight, I can see that there is trouble again in the yard, and Dragon is having a big fight against one of the small groups of soldiers. Why? — None of my damn business.
Nod, the old man will help me with my own business, and with the help of doctors and medicine, my leg may be saved. Leg can be stolen and deceived, or like now, being gazed at by an incompetent old man, stopping talking, pretending that nothing has happened, laughing like an apple, and being a foolish good person.
Despite his busy schedule, vet Hao still looks at me eagerly. The work of burying the dead is clearly beyond the physical capacity of the old man. Long term exile with the military makes the old man ten or twenty years older than his true age. When he goes to drag Feng Yi, who is not much older than a kid, he almost has to take a rest after three steps at a time.
I twist my neck, "I'm not doing it. I won't nod. I don't believe it, I never believe it."
Vet Hao shakes his head and sighs, "You're stubborn again. You're hurting yourself."
"I deserve it. I'm collecting debt, I just want my leg back."
"Yi, Bula, Yaoma. They don't owe you anything. If you go just like this, then there's one that really can't go."
"They can be like me! Ask from the debtors!" I growl loudly.
"If they do that, they are not themselves. Then they shouldn't go."
"You're fucking too old to think, aren't you?! Who still believes in your outdated righteousness?! Have you — have you ever killed anyone? You can't even drag a dead man!" I am so angry, I start attacking him.
Vet Hao temporarily gives up his struggle with the dead and looks at me sadly, "I'm not here to kill people. Besides, can't you give me a hand when I can't drag?"
"I can't! You're a half-vet who can cure beriberi to amputation!"
That is not my exaggeration, but the real truth, vet Hao's expression also twitches painfully, his kind of nagging is not confident, the heartbreak index is high, and the persuasion index is very low — this has always been his — "…Something is better than nothing."
I don't want to let him go, "Crawling to your place and waiting to die? It's better not to have one."
"Without me, you won't even know where to crawl."
"Young master Meng happens to be convenient. He lies down on the spot, waiting to die."
The old man looks at me and says: "Don't be childish. You will also be sad without me, otherwise I would have left long ago."
I only realize by looking at the old man's expression that I had gone too far. I'm not a guy who is good at apologizing, I just change my tone to a softer one and say: "But what's the use."
"Something is better than nothing." The old man repeats.
"Grandpa, why you come back again?"
Vet Hao can only slowly squeeze a smile that looks worse than crying, continuing to deal with dead bodies that I don't touch. If someone looks at us, he will see a madman chasing and cursing a fool who is dragging bodies. The fool drags hard, but the madman never helps. The madman only scolds and the fool only drags.
Dragon is still intact now. Taking down Yi might be able to add a nail mark to his body, but it doesn't seem to last long because he is provoking everyone: "Let's just make it clear here. People who want to go are shit, and if someone isn't shit, he's a thing that needs to be cleaned up, thing that needs to be shot, thing that doesn't do anything! The speaker is standing right here. Whoever doesn't agree, beat me dumb."
No need to call for a battle, one of the soldiers rushes out and fights with him. Dragon quickly throws the opponent to the ground and kicks him fiercely, accompanied by never-ending shouting. He provoked too many people, and Yangdanzi is almost desperate to protect Dragon's back.
"Frozen radishes that even beggars don't want! A light piece of bone that can even be overturned when I pee!" You see, he curses very hard, but in fact, he is deceiving. He has been paying attention to the person who secretly got close to him on the side, and then picks up the stick he has already seen before when he pounces on him, and suddenly overturns the person to the ground.
"Your heads are blown by the wind and stuck on the women's toilets! Numbnuts!" Dragon points at the people in the courtyard with the stick, "I'll dig a hole on ice in the river, put a row of your brains, and I'll open them one by one!"
Come up with a cold faced guy, holding a brick and smashing it with one punch. It's used to show off the strength, not to slap people.
Dragon also gets interested and says: "Ha! You are good at showing off! Yangdanzi, make way, this time has to be one-on-one."
It starts again with a crackling sound, and these two will take a while.
Yaoma stands there watching and asks Bean: "Where the hell is Bula?"
Bean looks around and becomes a parrot: "Where the hell is him?"
Yaoma pats the back of Bean's head hard and gets him back. "You're a human, even farting also have a stinky movement, okay? Let me know when he's gasping for breath."
In this regard, Bean can wait until the end of time, "Hmm!"
So Yaoma no longer watches the fight. He rolls up his sleeves and ties the tree branches we had brought for dinner to his left wrist. A bayonet is inserted into the ground in front of him, looking like he is going to have a big fight.