Normally I am filled with this sense of enlightenment as I return home, eager to return back as soon as I catch a glimpse of the front porch, but not today…
I dreaded the very thought of confronting my return. The steps felt long and dreary, as if leading to some inevitable doom.
'Why Allegiance to Nato, why?'
'How cruel can you get!
I trudged on, lost in a melancholy storm which thundered inside me, as it roared through my mind, refusing to subside.
'How would I break this devastating news to my precious Haneefah?'
'What is to become of her when I'm gone?'
As I try to process the recent turn of events, I feel helpless but to confide In Allah (SW). He's truly the only one left who I can comfortably cry to with no sense of shame or consequence.
"O my ever listening guardian and dear friend, you know what lies in the depths of my being, where no worldly being can transcend"
"You have been there for me in my highs and lows, so make for me a way once again as I am helpless without you." I cry
"With you I am complete and without you…" I pause to find the right words "I am a delusional abyss caved in the void."
My ignorant soul lusts out of this. My wise brain reprimands in the negative. Afterall, God surely does everything for my betterment. Knowing I have someone to always care for me and guide reassures me and gives me the will to push forward. The gravity of the situation still looms over me but the difference now is that I have the strength to face it. God willing, I will make it out just fine. It's all in his hands. I sigh and feel much better.
'I can't stay depressed forever!' I tell myself. True, the situation wasn't ideal, but what would additional agony bring in the long run?
'I need to be brave, for the both of us',
With that I made my way inside, filled with a newly-found sense of optimism.
'The least I could do for her is to not add to her burdens any further.'
'assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wabarakatuh!'
She was more energetic today than I'd seen her all week. She must be feeling better.
I greet her back in a like manner, behind the guise of an innocent smile which masks the gloom that I truly harbour.
'Todays nothing special!' I repeat to myself,
'Yep, nothing out of the ordinary!'
"Harith!", "Harith!"
I wandered off into my own little world again.
'You're going to worry about her!'
'Keep it together, Harith!'
"Yes, dear?" I responded to her calls after some delay.
"Is everything all right?" she asks in a concerned tone. 'Look what you've done!' I tell myself.
"It's nothing." I manage to reply with a forced grin to my face. "Alright then!" She claps "then, should we have dinner?"
"Sure." I affirm as she leads me by the hand toward the dining table. From the moment I set foot in there, my nose twitched as it became immersed with aromas which beckoned me to them and my belly began to yearn for the arrangement of a wondrous arsenal of my favourite dishes. "What's the occasion?" I ask while I happily dig into my food without any delay. "Your safe return back home is all." She brushed off with a gentle smile.
'The way she responded, I got the feeling that she's hiding something big from me.'
…
After I had finished my meal, I couldn't help but feel that there was something which I was missing. For a while now, she had been exuding this despondent and distant aura that has seemed to have enveloped her, leaving her quite distracted in all our interactions tonight. She is so withdrawn and frail. I analyse the situation at hand for a while. Based on my conclusions, I doubt she's unwell judging by the fact that she was able to make her way to greet me upon my entry and the huge feast she had cooked up. Or was she actually just sick but hiding it from me so as to not worry me again?
'So what could the issue possibly be?'
"So…"
I try to initiate a conversation with her only to look up and notice a couple tears slip her eye without warning, while she remains in a trance. I extend my hand across the table and wipe them away. I make my way to her side to console her.
"Hey…" Before I can carry on, she wraps her arms around my waist while burying her face into my chest, tossing and turning her head in a frenzy. It pains me to see her so but there isn't much I can do for her as of now other than to just be there for her and wait for her to calm down.
"You are going right?" she abruptly questions, surprising me.
"What do you mean?" I am puzzled. "I don't…"
"Don't act as if you don't know!" she sharply interrogates with a vain wish of anger.
'Scary!' I thought.
I had never seen her like this in all the time we had been together.
"You're leaving, right?"
'How did she know!'
I had only just got the news myself…