I carved at the surface of my homeroom desk, a drawing putting onto display the turmoil inside my mind. It didn't matter what it became, and as I continued, I grew more and more adamant not to allow myself to fall into the madness inside my head. I was tugged at all angles; I couldn't get a break from myself. Maybe, I was still having second thoughts about allowing "The Mind" to gain full control over my decisions.
But I knew I shouldn't, not a second of hesitation.
All of my trouble, all of my hurt, has come from keeping "The Mind" behind the mask, forcing him to never surface again. 'I would never allow him to show his crooked neck again' I thought, and to "The Liar", that was exactly where he belonged. He was the source of all my trouble, only an enticing voice that would always lead to more pain. I couldn't make peace with myself.
Over the last three years, "The Null" has been my face, cruising through high school with no effort at all, and I was content, in a way. Trouble rarely surfaced; I forced myself away from anything that might. Friends, activity, even my own thoughts were thrust away so that I could stay within that shelter, a haven fabricated by my mind. It was only since I began listening to the words of "The Liar" that my pain began, anyways.
In a perfect world, I could just submit to the "The Null" again, all in the name of the protection of my whole self, here and now.
'But what about my future?' The liar threw into the bin.
My future... The unknown, with so much anticipation it was numbing. It was annoying being yanked at all sides due to this one concept. The expectations of not only myself but others; even the null wasn't immune to its effects. Yet, "The Mind" would shrug something so trivial off as if it were never uttered. He was strong and resourceful, with the fortitude to keep the mind together so long as we satisfied his desire. It was so easy, but why couldn't I settle?
"Mr. Grinner?" Mrs. Dixie knelt at my side, a small board pressed against her chest.
I continued my drawing, glancing at her as my sign of acknowledgement. She seemed apprehensive to move closer, and it was for the best.
Inside, I was unstable.
"What are you doing, Mr. Grinner?" She asked, leaning toward my desk.
'The gnawing noise my breaking pencil made against the desk's surface must have alarmed her.' The liar told me. 'Answer her question, Amson.'
"I'm drawing." I stated, trying my best not to neglect the inside of my head for even a moment.
She persisted, leaning in close to my drawing. I wanted to push her head away; that piece was mine and mine alone. The culmination of all aspects hidden within my mind, immortalized onto the desk's surface. I bet she thought she could steal it for herself. I'd gash her wrist in two.
"It looks... nice, but we aren't allowed to make markings on the desks." She said, struggling to be polite. "They are the property of the Butch County School board."
I ignored her; there was no room within myself to respond anymore. With Tora gone, I thought the jabbing inside my ear would be eased, but no, there Mrs. Dixie stood as if relishing being a prick. I continued my drawing, this time only carving faster and digging deeper. I felt the weight of my pencil crumple under the weight of my arm, but I was too fixated on the tip to care any.
"I-I wanted you to answer a question, Mr. Grinner." She said. "If you would."
Again, she was met with no response.
"Mr. Grinner!" She reached for the pencil, and something within me gave way, the lead shattering beneath my hand.
I finally allowed myself to look into her eyes, but my anger had just about boiled over. Staring into her eyes, I saw her recoil, her eyes widening as the fear of what she saw within my own settled.
Whoever'd surfaced onto my face was not me.
My hands stretched, and I whispered to her, making sure my hostility was known.
"Back, woman." I breathed, unheard by anyone in the classroom.
Suddenly, I stopped, halted by someone who had approached the desk without even my noticing. He tapped Mrs. Dixie on the shoulder, ushering her away from my seat.
"I'll answer the question, Mrs. D." He smiled. "You always give him the tough, philosophical ones."
"O-Of course." She stammered, stumbling away from me.
She struggled to keep her eyes off of me as she walked away, but I couldn't help but smile a bit. Something within me wanted to laugh out loud, filling the entire room with sound, but I contained the feeling. This wasn't the work of "The Mind" or "The Liar." Through spontaneous circumstance, I'd created some knew falsity, leaving my true self even more shrouded.
What had I done, making so many faces to live under? Would I ever have an identity of my own, living without the need of another personality that only fulfilled a solitary need of my entirety. I'd likely always be reduced to this state of absolute disconnection with who I was, and what I would become in the future could only be imagined. "The Liar" had lost the battle within my mind, but with the help of "The Mind," he was molded into this new, awakened self, seemingly a mixture of the two's polar desires.
A manipulator with the illusion of emotion.
"Are you ok?" A tap was made on my desk from my front, forcing my eyes upward.
I looked at the woman with a newfound confidence, something hitting me as I made eye contact. It was that Asian goth girl; I'd never heard her voice before that moment. Her voice was a bit raspy, but with her tone as a whisper, it was nearly wedged between the sound of her words.
"Yeah." I smiled, looking into the reflection upon her jet-black eyes. "I couldn't be any better."