I was standing in front of the double doors next to the sign that read „Unit C, Pediatric Psychiatric Ward", to be frank I was so out of it, I felt mildly terrified. It was the complete unknown to me. From the ceiling the light was falling, pushing its way inside the multiple floors of the hospital, it was blinding but somberly soft all at the same time. My mind was pretty darkened out though so I didn't pay much mind to my surroundings, eyes trained on the double doors. The colorful fish models hanging from above were a nice touch for a kids' hospital but they felt like a joke in the moment, faceless fish and a mermaid mid air staring at me. Soon enough my doctor made sure we could be let through, by we, I mean my mom and me, then the nurse led us into a tiny room, sporting a tired face and a violently pink scrub. Her serious demeanor was in no way comforting.
This is the children's psychiatric ward. I'll need to search your things for any sharp or dangerous objects and then you're admitted, the… - With my mind foggy I couldn't really process much of what she was saying, I was nervous as heck on top of that. She continued on, I still vividly remember how scared I was, it all felt surreal and foreign. The nurse, her name was Claudia, as read on the tag on her shirts' top and she led me to a squeaking wheeled bed at the side of the green and white corridor. Warm lemon green floors, white walls, the theme of water animals was prevalent still a bit here too. I felt like I was in a terrarium, with the glass doors everywhere, the rooms separated on each side and the nurses' station looming over me from a few meters off. To be honest, it was slightly irritating to me, having to have my belongings checked. It was a voluntary stay, I knew this was standard protocol but also knowing I didn't take anything remotely razor-like I was annoyed which was only exacerbated by the fact that now I had to sleep in the middle of the corridor, yummy. I don't really know how I found myself in the next room but before me, appeared two girls sitting on one of their two beds and almost immediately I was asked:
- So what are you here for? - the apparently more bold one spoke, the other was kind of much more aloof, and maybe younger?
- Uh, I don't really know yet. - I got some words out of myself. What was I here for? Hell if I really knew, not like I had a diagnosis to share nor did I attempt suicide so my story was pretty much nonexistent.
- I'm probably borderline, so yeah, fun stuff, I'm Natasha by the way. - the dark blonde greeted me, sticking out her hand and I apprehensively shook it back.
- This is Nina. - Natasha spoke again and the girl in question lifted her eyes focusing them on me, it felt unpleasant, I couldn't really describe how, but I was in general in imaginary cold sweat about the whole hospital ordeal and this was getting much all together.
- I'm Nina, yeah, so you don't know what you're here for, convenient I guess, I won't tell you either.
- Alright, suit yourself. - I replied scrunching up my lips and nose. Then I teleported of course not literally but nonetheless to my bed again and I had no idea what to do with myself. I was lost, I was alone. I was usually alone, but now I was watched that changed the things of the matter. How the fuck would I fall asleep, hell if I knew, I begun to pace around the corridor unsure of my surroundings but getting familiar as I went. I was guessing I'd get a room with some guys, well if you can call them that, Jesus is that a six year old. That's fucking early. I felt suddenly out of place but also found myself feeling pity for the kid and the ten year old looking one that was currently yelling "dyk*s!" at a pair of girls that walked out of the public bathroom together, rolling their eyes at the child, they were around fourteen and seventeen I guess? I'm really bad at telling people's ages, or at least children's especially. For now though I was awaiting a night on the corridor near the nurses' station so that I would be under enough surveillance on my first night. Then tomorrow if all was good enough I would get into one of the actual patient bedrooms. There should be two people per room from what I figured while passing them by, each had a small window to look into them through, but now most rooms were filled with three beds and one with what seemed from afar like a single room with some IV placed next to the bed, a suicide attempt kid maybe? Heck if I knew. This place was as expected odd far and wide with everyone in it, me included, to each of their own. I walked some more, the air seemed chillier here, and not literally. It felt, empty, like an aura of wind held up around my body, like a breath on the back of my neck. For the first time ever was I alone in this sort of way, but so not alone still. After a few painstaking blurry hours I fell asleep into a dreamless night on the creaking bed with a gummy textured mattress, fake leather, easy to clean up the mess - I thought. The dim yellow light shone though the building leaving me in the half-lit darkness.