*Honk honk
Nakul thoughtlessly honked throughout his way home. Since Rajat had informed him that Dhiraj was brought back home, Nakul desperately waited for the school to be over. Hastily getting into his car, he speeded towards home, while nearly running into an accident .
That was probably only the 2nd time when Nakul drove recklessly. 1st being the time when his sister's water broke and he had to rush to the hospital. Now that he knew Dhiraj was back home, he simply wanted to reach him asap.
Soon Nakul reached their penthouse. Parking his car, he rushed towards the elevator. His mind went back to the words he screamed out yesterday. '~I don't want to talk to you.~ Fuck I shouldn't have said that.' He regretted every second of yesterday. Maybe he WAS being too unreasonable. Anxiety took over him as he tapped his foot, waiting for the elevator to reach the top floor. Once it did, he rushed towards his Dhiraj.
Without wasting even a single second, Nakul hurried to Dhiraj's room. He slowly opened the door, considering that Dhiraj might be sleeping, which he was. Dhiraj was curled up into a thick blanket. And seeing that sight, a smile appeared on Nakul's lips. It was a smile of relief. Relief that Dhiraj was in front of him. And that The usually mighty and proud Dhiraj looked like a small puppy curled up in that huge blanket.
Nakul crouched down. Observing Dhiraj from up close. He brought his hand forward, touching Dhiraj's temples. It was burning. Dhiraj's brows arched up due to that unknown cold sensation but he was too exhausted to wake up. That detail made Nakul frown. The last thing he ever wanted was to see Dhiraj that way.
Guilt consumed his mind as he kept replaying the events that led Dhiraj in that situation. The argument they had yesterday, Dhiraj not wanting to open up to him, the cough he heard that morning. 'I should've barged in his room upon hearing him cough. Fuck.' Nakul cursed himself for being careless. 'Why didn't Dhiraj tell me it would be his mother's death anniversary the next day? If I had known this topic was so sensitive I wouldn't have pushed so far.'
Nakul's guilty eyes stopped at Dhiraj. 'Why was Dhiraj trying to endure everything by himself? Am I so unreliable that you can't even talk to me?' Upon that thought, a tear escaped Nakul's eye. It was due to the helplessness of the situation he was in. Where all he wanted was to help Dhiraj. But he in turn ended up causing more trouble. 'I just hope that you will get better soon Dhiraj. Please.'
* * *
~Dhiraj's POV~
I don't feel good.
Dhiraj found himself running. Running away from what was chasing him. He couldn't see who or what it was. He could just feel it. Feel a sense of fear. Feel as if he desperately wanted to leave that place. Feel as if only running away would be an escape. What was even more odd was that he was trapped in the body of a 10 year old.
He had no time to question what was going around. All he knew was that he must run away from what was chasing him. But he stumbled. He stumbled and fell down. He looked at his hands that were scraped and bleeding. And so he looked up to ask for help. But what he saw was a barren land. With no one in his sight. He was....all alone. Realization dawned upon him. He was just a helpless child. All alone. Having no one to show his wounds.
The child burst out in tears. Crying because no one was there to hold him tightly in their arms. He was all alone.
I don't want to be alone.
I don't want to be.....
~~~~
Dhiraj woke up with a jerk. The corners of his eyes were wet. He realized that the miserable anxiety he was trying to escape all time along had him by his throat all this time. 'I don't want to be alone.' He covered his temples with the back of his palm. Lying on bed trying to catch his breath. 'It's just a bad dream....Nothing more than that.....Don't think about it.....' He kept repeating to himself in an attempt to calm himself down.
It was only then that he sensed the presence of another body on his bed. He turned head in that direction and his eyes widened as he realized who it was. It was his baby. Nakul was sleeping beside Dhiraj. He had changed into a comfortable pair of sweatpants and shirt. For some reason Dhiraj was relieved. 'He was here all this time?' Maybe so relieved that another tear escaped from his eye. This time it was a tear of gratitude. Gratitude that Nakul was there for him.
Dhiraj too lied on his side, observing Nakul as he harmoniously breathed in and out. That sight brought a sense of peace to Dhiraj. He noticed a strand of hair poking Nakul's eyes. So he carefully moved it aside. That woke Nakul up. His eyes met Dhiraj's.
"You woke up?" Nakul asked the obvious.
"Yeah."
~Silence.
Both the men laid side by side, simply looking at each other. For some reason even the silence felt comfortable. It was Dhiraj who broke it first.
"You know right? That you shouldn't be sleeping next to me right now. What if you get a fever too?"
Even in that state, Dhiraj still had the time to worry about his baby. That small gesture brought a smile to Nakul's face. Chuckling, he retorted, "I thought someone really wanted me to sleep next to them" Nakul recalled their previous conversation where Dhiraj wanted them to sleep together.
"Well....I want to sleep together under different circumstances" said Dhiraj in his hoarse voice. And despite sounding unpleasant, Nakul still found that voice sexy. They both let out a small giggle, which faded out in a few seconds. Silence took over again. And this time it was Nakul who broke it. He HAD to take responsibility for a few things.
"I.....I'm sorry. I guess I pushed you too hard....."Nakul struggled to find the right words to explain why he did what he did. "....I...just wanted you to help....I thought u were hiding something for me....Something painful....." Nakul couldn't help but recall Dhiraj's expressions when they had the argument. A part of him still wanted to confront Dhiraj. But he knew it was better to let it go. "It wasn't my intention to....make you....go through this...I didn't know it would stress you out so much."
"NO...." Dhiraj had no idea Nakul would be thinking that he was the reason why Dhiraj had the fever. Because that was the furthest from the truth. "No.....you are not the reason why I had a fever. And it's just a fever. It's not a big deal."
"Not a big deal?" Nakul couldn't believe how this man had no sense of how much he suffered. " YOU COLLAPSED?!!! How can you say it's' nothing?"
He found that Dhiraj in fact didn't care that he fainted. He wasn't able to understand how that man was so unscathed on a mental level. 'He should be blaming me right? At least be angry? Then why does it feel like he doesn't care about his own suffering?'
An urge rose in Nakul's heart. An urge for wanting Dhiraj to blame him. Hold him accountable. And not be so kind. "When Rajat told me you fainted...I...."Nakul broke into tears. The guilt Nakul was carrying throughout the day was finally out. He inched closer to Dhiraj lying beside him on the bed. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around Dhiraj's neck. It was probably the first time Nakul had initiated a hug. And that sent a wave of warmth throughout Dhiraj's body. He too wrapped his arms around Nakul's stomach, burying himself in Nakul's chest, accepting the touch. Dhiraj could feel Nakul's heart beating at a frantic pace.
And something about that made Dhiraj feel....'He cares. He cares for me. He is here for me.....I'm not alone now.' And only a second after comprehending that, a stream of tears escaped Dhiraj's eyes.
Nakul didn't understand what had happened. Why was Dhiraj crying? Unable to grasp what was going on, all Nakul could say was, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I put you in such a situation."
'You are not the one who put me here. It's.....me. I don't know how I should tell you about this. I don't even know how I should feel about this. All my life I was running away. And that's the only thing I knew. I don't know anything else other than this. If I tell you.....You won't think I'm pathetic right?' Dhiraj buried his face more into Nakul's chest, not understanding what he should do. All he could think was that Nakul was warm. And he didn't want to let go off that warmth.
Nakul could sense the problem was something else. But he didn't want to aggravate the problem more. He decided the best thing to do would be to console Dhiraj.
"Dhiraj...I'm here. I'm here...for you."
Those words did the magic. Because hearing them, Dhiraj felt he could let go of the things he had been holding on to for so long. Dhiraj concluded that it was best to...let go of the burden. And so he decided to reside in Nakul. Tightening his grip around Nakul's waist Dhiraj began.
"You are not the reason why I'm like this baby. It's my own problem. And for all my life I thought not acknowledging these feelings.....would be the best thing to do. I thought it's the best way to forget about the pain they brought. But....It hurts Nakul. It really does...."
Dhiraj wailed more. And that made Nakul more miserable. What was it that Dhiraj was hiding?! Nakul's mind was torn apart. It was trying to think of every reason that caused Dhiraj pain. But at the same time, His mind wasn't working at all. So all he could do was secure his arms around Dhiraj more as a way to console him.
Taking in some deep breaths, Dhiraj readied himself to bring forward the pain he had been hiding for nearly 20 years now. 'Trust him. Just let go.'
"My mother was diagnosed with hepatitis when I was 8. I remember her smiling a lot even as she got weaker and weaker. I often heard people whispering that she had less time. That she would die soon. But I didn't understand what they used to say. Until finally one day I saw my father. Sobbing beside her as she kept sleeping on the bed.
I tried waking her up but she didn't. And all that people told me was that she's gone. I thought....okay she's gone but she'll be back right? So I waited for that night. And then the next day. And then the next day. But she didn't come back.
That was the 1st time I became aware of what someone dying meant.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so much. But then I saw my father, who wept alone all by himself. But as soon as he saw me, he would wipe off those tears, and give me a smile. He had to remain strong right? Because if he crumbled what would his 10 year old would do?
He tried to be strong. But I could just see the pain in his eyes. How depressed he was. So I decided I don't want to see him worry about me. And I told myself that I don't miss her. And I kept repeating that to myself every time I remembered her smile.
Soon it changed to I don't remember her. Because the pain was becoming too unbearable. I made every effort so that I could forget and avoid even remembering her. That seemed like the only way I could handle what....I felt.
But all of that was of no use.
Yesterday I saw her in my dreams. She was sitting on her bed, looking out of the window. Enjoying the birds chirping and the warm rays of the sun that fell on her pretty face. And my head was on her lap. She was humming the same song that I loved hearing her sing. And she was running her hand through my hair. Patting my head. And telling me to sleep well.
And at that moment, all things that I was trying to forget came back. I remember everything. I remember her voice that called my name. And the way she used to dress me up everyday. And how she ran after me with a plate in her hand so that I would eat food. And how the food she cooked tasted. And how she used to pick me up in her arms wherever we went. And how she used to kiss my forehead every night. I remember it all. And the truth is I miss her. I have always missed her. All this time. But no matter how much I wish. No matter how much I want. She will never come back to me. Ever."
The dam that Dhiraj had built all these years restricting certain emotions, broke. He broke down. Crying his heart out. And what Nakul felt wasn't a 30 year old man crying. But a plea of a 10 year innocent child, just trying to understand how to navigate through such a huge loss at a young age. He felt what Dhiraj needed at that moment weren't words. What he needed was someone who would listen to him. Someone who would hold him. Someone who would just....be there for him. And so Nakul cupped Dhiraj's head and brought him closer to himself. Patting and kissing his head as Dhiraj let go all the pain he was holding on to for years.
They just stayed in each other's arms. Present for one another.
Minutes passed by and they kept holding on to each other in silence. Nearly ½ hour later Dhiraj calmed down. He was glad that Nakul was here for him. Patiently waiting for him to get back to normal.
"Should I...." Dhiraj wanted to ask something. But wasn't sure if he should.
"Should I?" Nakul encouraged him to complete the question as he kept running his fingers through Dhiraj's hair.
"Should I.....go home? For tomorrow?"
"Yes!" Nakul felt Dhiraj should. "I think you should. But....I think you shouldn't be going back home because it's Aunty's anniversary...You should go back home...to celebrate her memories with your dad." Nakul wanted Dhiraj to break free of this cycle of suffering. So he pushed Dhiraj towards having a more healthy outlook towards the scenario.
And Dhiraj understood that and was taken aback by gratitude once again. He concluded he was only able to make out of this storm because he had Nakul holding on to him. Realizing that, he tightened his arms around Nakul's waist. And Nakul kept showing him with kisses on his head.
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