Due to the premature birthing, the doctors decide it best that Edna and the babies are kept at the hospital awhile for observation. In total, they spend 6 nights there. Finally, shortly after the dawn breaks on the 7th day, they are released. Gus gets the call and swings by to pick them up. He already went shopping to stock the house with baby items the last few days and Tiffany is surprising Edna by cooking a big country breakfast.
The smell of bacon and eggs greets Edna as she enters. She smiles as she gives a cursory glance throughout the house... for the first time she can remember, it's clean. Gus helps usher the babies into the house as Edna sets some bags down on the counter next to a stack of mail.
Tiffany: Oh, you've got some mail here.
Edna: Oh, I'll look at it after we eat. Oh, hold on... this one's from the hospital. Gus, I think it's their birth certificates... Open 'em up. Let's make it official.
Gus grabs a large butcher knife from behind the toaster oven and cuts each envelope open.
Gus: Yep, it's official now: (announces proudly) Deacon Philip McHaliburton... and (reaches into the next envelope) without further ado... Pastor Earl (stops reading, looks more closely at the letter) Mc... Maliburton...
Edna: (laughs with Tiffany) McMaliburton?
Gus: Wait... Deacon Philip McHaliburton... No, wait a second... Deacon Philip McMaliburton... they both say McMaliburton.
Edna: (aghast) You're kidding me.
Gus pauses for thought: this must be another grand sign from the universe. A cadaver-like disposition leases the vacated property that is his face; he listlessly hands the certificates to Edna. Sure enough: McMaliburton on both sheets.
His mind blanks. He looks out the window, his eyes fixating on a small bird perched atop a weather vane on the barn. His pupils narrow in as he notices a squirrel scampering around almost directly beneath the small bird. He posits to himself: do birds view all lifeforms beneath them as pooping targets? The rationale he concludes is that life is short, especially for birds, and that they most definitely should defecate on all living things below them, with extra points for moving targets.
Edna: Well, (bemused) I guess it's an honest mistake. I'll call them later and have them reprinted... shouldn't be a big deal.
Another bird flies into view and lands on the weather vane, next to the first one. This one almost twice the size of his mate. He posits again: How can a bird of the same breed have twice the waistline of the other? Do other birds chastise the birds with more generous proportions? He imagines the smaller bird saying, "Geez Pete, how can you even get off the ground?"
Edna: (looks out window to see what Gus is staring at) So, yeah... I'll just call them after... (mind drifts while staring out picture window)
Gus: Now, hold on a second... now... these are our miracle babies, right? (pauses while formulating a hypothesis) And if their names are Deacon and Pastor out of some kind of destiny. Well, then there's a reason why these certificates read McMaliburton... and I'm not one to interfere with destiny.
Edna: Ok, but...
Gus: (cuts her off) Edna, this is bigger than you and me... The names are gonna stand, they're meant to stand (walks over to the two little boys and talks in baby voice) Who's my little Deacon McMaliburton? (bends over and kisses him on the forehead) And who's my little Pastor McMaliburton? (bends over and kisses him on the forehead as well) Huh? Are you my little Pastor McMaliburton? (Gives a butterfly kiss on the nose) Yes you are.
Edna: No, he's not. That one is Deacon... He's your little Deacon McHaliburton... Haliburton (puts emphasis on "Hal").
Gus's eyes scan back and forth at the babies as he tries differentiating between them.
Tiffany: I like it the name McMaliburton. Pastor McMaliburton, it has a nice ring to it. (Walks over to Pastor and picks him up, then cradles him and talks in baby voice) Are you my little Pastor McMaliburton? Are you my little Pastor McMaliburton? Aren't you just the cutest little Pastor McMaliburton in all the world? Yes you are. Yes you are.
Edna shoots a dubious look in the direction of Tiffany, then sighs and gives a defeated look, knowing full well that she took control with their first names, and Gus will undoubtedly be domineering with their last names.
She wonders how her sister could betray her after all she did for her: gave her food and shelter as she ran away from home. Now she's siding with Gus. It was Edna's goodwill that landed her the spare bedroom, but it's Gus who pays the bills, and that likely explains Tiffany's circuitous loyalty.
Gus: (addresses Deacon in baby voice) Pastor McMaliburton, (tickles his chin) are you my little Pastor McMaliburton? Huh, are you?
Tiffany: Wait, that one's still Deacon, right?
Gus: (whispers under breath) Dammit.
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Edna shuts the door behind her as she enters the bedroom.
Edna: Ok, we really need to talk about this birth certificate thing. This was an honest mistake by the medical records keepers, you don't really want to keep that last name.
Gus: Well, it's not really a matter of if I want to keep the last name or not... it's the last name that was chosen for them.
Edna: Yeah, by the data entry clerk who can't tell the difference between an "H" and an "M."
Gus: Like I said, there's a greater power at work here.
Edna: Ya know, I think you need to pump the brakes on this whole destiny thing.
Gus: You mean, like, how you felt the boys were destined to be named Deacon and Pastor.
Edna: (looks up to the ceiling in exhaustion) Ok, those are first names. McMaliburton isn't a real last name.
Gus: It wasn't a last name until... (walks over to the garbage can in the kitchen, pulls out the birth certificate envelope from the trash can and checks the postage date, then returns) January 14th.
Edna: Just because they misprinted your last name on the birth certificate, doesn't make it a real last name.
Gus: Look, I'm not getting on your case about naming them Deacon and Pastor... So you really need to drop it!
Edna: Hey, those names are a tribute to you! God forbid we honor their legacy while also carrying on yours.
Gus sighs.
Edna: You know something, how are you going to explain to your family that your son's possess a different last name than yours? How do you think that will go over...
Edna goes on pleading an emotional case; Gus wants no part of her argument. The dulcet tones from the two birds draw his attention away from her and to the window again. The two birds and squirrel standout amidst the white snow backdrop, but now, another squirrel has entered the fold. Gus looks intently at the two brown squirrels chasing each other up and down the side of the barn as the birds remain ostensibly oblivious just above. As Edna rambles on about the importance of family history and lineage, Gus raises another internal question: if a squirrel gets pooped on by a bird, how much ridicule does he encounter from his squirrel peers, and will that poop story always stick with that squirrel until his final breath?
Edna: Hello?! Gus... (pauses while looking at him) Gus!
Gus: Shut up, will you?!
He storms out of the room and heads outside to start up his tow truck. Edna is left feeling guilty and replays the conversation to see if she could have done anything differently, or to see how she can alter her stance in the future. As she consternates, Gus marches back in to give another piece of his mind.
Gus: You know what? I've been thinking about changing my last name to McMaliburton, too!
Edna: (sympathetically) Gus... Your family, what will they say?
Gus: I don't care! What's so great about this McHaliburton name?! What, 'cuz it comes from my dad?! Please, I'll change it to spite that bastard!
Gus storms out back into the truck and drives off. This allows him a chance to blow off some steam and let Edna collect herself as well. Gus drives to the local ma and pa shoppe and picks up a 6 pack of Budweiser. As he drives off into the vast countryside, each bottle he finishes off he comes a little closer to formulating his plan. After a good two hours removed from the earlier drama, he finally heads back. He finds Edna in a more relaxed state upon his return, as well. She is sharing a joint with Tiffany while the babies are asleep in the corner.
Gus: Alright, I've been thinking about this long an hard. Let's do it, Edna. Less get married. (His words stumble out in his familiar fuzziness)
Edna: (laughs) Is this the drunk let's get married talk or the real one?
Gus: No, I'm serious. And if you're a scared of taking a new last name, don't worry, don't, okay... cuz I'm right there with you... We take the last name McMaliburton with the babies and we start a new life... whattya say?
Tiffany: I like that name... McMaliburton...
Edna giggles at the youthful exuberance of her sister. It is on this very night that Edna's non-spoken, non-rejection of Gus's marriage proposal comes through loud and clear, her acquiescence aided by Tiffany's gentle prodding. She coyly plays hard to get all of a sudden, a far departure from the marriage button she is usually pushing.
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Edna: Your sister Margaret called.
Gus: Oh, okay, did she call to offer congratulations?
Edna: Actually, she didn't know about the babies.
Gus: Hmmm, well, it's hard to get ahold of her. I figured my mom would have gotten in touch, or Ian or Patrick...
Edna: I figured she'd be asking for money.
Gus: Maybe... it is weird for her to just call out of the blue.
Edna: I don't know if she needs money; it felt like she was hinting at it in a roundabout way.
Gus: Yeah? How so?
Edna: Well, she's staying with this biker guy who seems kinda unstable. I guess he lost his job last week and since he's been home, he's been somewhat, um... abusive towards her.
Gus: (shakes head) She always attracts these lowlife losers. I just don't...
(Knock on door)
Edna: Oh, that's probably her. I was going to get to that. She said she was going to come over. (raises voice) C'mon in!
Margaret: (enthusiastically) Hello! Oh, my two little nephews. (hustles over and kisses each on the cheek) Hi guys! (looks to Gus) Which one is which?
Gus: (tightens up with a nervous look) I, uh...
Edna: The one with his father's nose is Pastor... and the one with his father's eyes is Deacon.
Gus looks at each trying to distinguish which one has his nose and which his eyes.
Margaret: Ohhhh, soooooo cute! Edna told me about the mixup with the last name. That's a great story... too funny. So you're going to keep the last name for them, huh?
Gus: Yeah. She probably didn't tell you the entire story, but yeah, the whole circumstance is purely... (gets choked up, pauses) They're our little miracle boys.
Margaret: It is like you guys are saying... fate. That is really something.
Gus: I'm taking the last name too, to support the boys... (heads to kitchen to fashion himself a drink) And if Edna ever decides to marry me, (smiles in her direction) she'll be a McMaliburton too.
Edna: (exaggerated) Ooooo-kay, I'll marry you. Will that finally shut you up? (walks over to Gus and gives him a long kiss)
Tiffany and Margaret clap and cheer at the news. Margaret excuses herself to get some celebratory booze from her car. She returns with the remainder of an opened half gallon of Old Crow whiskey. Tiffany gets some plastic cups from the kitchen and the group does a round of shots. After the burning aftertaste subsides, they do another.
Margaret starts to open up about the relationship she's currently trapped in with Harold. Tiffany, Edna and Gus are all taken aback by the abuse she paints so vividly and with a variety of brush sizes. Tiffany, being the youngest of the group is shaken the hardest by her stories. After a short while, each do an admirable job convincing her that she needs to break away clean from Harold.
Margaret: It's not that easy. You don't know him like I do. He doesn't give up; he won't take no for an answer. (in tears) He'll come looking for me...
Edna: Oh, Margaret... That's terrifying. You need to go to the police, or get in witness protection or something.
Tiffany: Or just change your last name to McMaliburton; that should keep him off your tail.
Laughter erupts after Tiffany's remark.
Margaret: Yeah... (laughs some more) Margaret McMaliburton... That'd be something (internalizes the idea of changing her last name but doesn't voice it).
Laughter ensues into the wee hours as the four of them celebrate the birthing of the newborn McMaliburtons, the engagement of Gus and Edna, and emancipation of Margaret from her volatile boyfriend.
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On a warm September day in the same year as the birth of the McMaliburton babies, Gus and Edna tie the knot. The two decide to have a small ceremony on their neighbor's gazebo.
Notary public: Edna Louise Skubik, do you take Augustus Samuel McHaliburton to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, till death do you part, and to also lovingly nurture and raise Deacon and Pastor McMaliburton?
Edna: (tears up while looking at Tiffany rocking her twin boys) I do.
Notary public: And Augustus Samuel McHaliburton, do you take Edna Louise Skubik to be your lawfully wedded wife, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do you part, and to also lovingly nurture and raise Deacon and Pastor McMaliburton?
Gus: (suddenly thinks about Judy Kelmar and those hot summer nights, then looks at his little boys) I do.
Notary public: By the power vested in me, in the state of Michigan and Upper Peninsula, and at your request to legally change your last name, I now pronounce you Edna and Gus McMaliburton. Gus, you may now kiss Mrs. McMaliburton.
Gus leans in, delicately places his right hand on Edna's nape and hones in for a nice 10 second kiss. The small crowd of about fifteen to twenty people holler and cheer.
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