It's now 8 am on the morning of Pastor McMaliburton's Memorial service. The chirping from the little red bird inside Edna's cuckoo clock echoes throughout the ranch style house. Edna figures she got about 6 hours sleep as she recounts the fuzzy math while getting out of bed. The math might be a little fuzzier for Gus who is sprawled out on the living room sofa.
Edna enters the front room to discover her ex. Her initial reaction is to scold him, but she's simply too worn out emotionally from the night before. She throws on a pot of coffee and draws a bath. Just as she starts to undress, the phone rings from the living room. How could she forget: the text messages.
Twenty-seven new messages await her as she locates Pastor's phone. Edna hurriedly flips through the messages looking for ones with picture attachments. Her eyes light up as she discovers most of them contain pictures. However, after clicking on each one, one by one, she comes up empty handed, again... nothing displays for her. With the bath water still running, she decides to treat herself to a nice hot bath as she ponders what to due next.
By 9 am, she has the following text message sent out: Dear friends of Pastor: thank you for your time and kind words. Unfortunately I cannot open any of the pictures you sent in. If you can, please bring them to the funeral home tonight so they can be displayed on his memorial collage. Thank you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edna arrives at Bakerman's Funeral Home two hours before the proceedings. She meets some of her old friends from church, including Father Eustice, and they begin setting up.
A few of the guests start arriving. Edna recognizes some of their faces from way back in Pastor's childhood, some of the older faces that is. Then as the official viewing starts, the younger faces begin to trickle in. Scattered within the acquaintances who make a cursory appearance and remain to themselves, are the ones who specifically seek out Edna to give her photos they have of Pastor...
Tom: Hi Edna, I'm Tom... (extends right hand to shake Edna's, while clinging to some photos in left hand) I'm so sorry for your loss.
Edna shakes his hand and issues a heartfelt thank you.
Tom: I got your text... and I've got a few pictures of Pastor... they're good pictures of him, just smiling and enjoying life... feel free to have them, I have extras.
Edna: Thank you, Tom. That means a lot.
Edna sifts through the pics and starts to tear up. Upon inspecting the first photo, a sadness settles deep within her that she tries not to convey to Tom, who remains beside her.
Edna: Oh, well, this is... (very guardedly) a nice one.
Tom: Yeah, look at that big smile on his face.
Edna: (cautiously) Yeah, I mean... what you can see of his smile... I mean, the left side of his mouth is blocked by that tube that leads into the beer can helmet.
Tom: (laughs) Yeah, I guess it is... (lets out a wistful, reminiscing sigh) I guess it is.
Edna sighs audibly in contrast to Tom's sigh.
Tom: Oh, you've gotta see this one, (flips through the four photos) look at this one... This is our fantasy football league photo. There's all 12 of us here... 8 in the back and 4 in front... there's Pastor down on one knee in front, (says proudly) just like a real football team photo.
The photo does actually resemble a real football team photo, but on a smaller scale. All the fantasy league players, too, are as big as real NFL players... only in place of muscle, are large beer bellies. The 8 players in the back row are standing proudly with helmets on...only in place of actual football helmets, are color-coordinated beer can helmets. Pastor is down on a knee in front with a helmet on his right knee... a beer can helmet. Edna pains herself to think how long it must have taken him to lower his considerable bulk squarely onto his left knee.
She examines the other two photos... more beer can helmets, different colors, but more of the same. She cringes while zeroing in on his expanse... he's reduced his favorite Green Bay Packers t-shirt to a mere halter top...his bulge flowing out from under the fabric like the beer that's flowing out from his dual can helmet.
Edna: Thanks, Tom. I like the one of all of you, the fantasy football team picture.
Edna thinks to herself: Dear God, that's the only photo Tom presented where Pastor doesn't have the beer can helmet on... even if it is on his knee, it's somehow better for that reason, for once you can see his entire face. And because the other 11 guys have their beer can helmets either on their head or on bended knee, it's actually a show of solidarity and in a way, camaraderie. That's the silver lining that Edna gleans from the photo.
Tom: I like that one, too. So, please Edna, feel free to put the pictures up on the poster board.
Edna: (gulps mutedly) Um, yeah. Ya know, I might do that. Thank you so much, Tom.
Edna skirts out of the conversation with chagrin, not determining yet if the team beer can helmet photo will make the cut onto the collage.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the meeting with Tom, Edna decides she needs a little breather. She peels away from the wake room in an attempt to take respite in the family break room. Just as she turns the corner, her plan is thwarted.
Doug: Hi Ms. McMaliburton, sorry to bother you. I was told you're Pastor's mom. I'm so sorry to hear about Pastor.
Edna: Thank you, please, Edna is fine... Edna Skubik.
Doug: Oh, I'm Doug, Doug Gadchek. I used to do construction with Pastor a couple summers ago.
Edna: Oh, sure, okay...
Doug: Pastor was a great guy. Really laid back, and always there when you needed him.
Edna: Thank you.
Doug: Oh shoot. I've got some pictures of Pastor on my phone, I was going to print them off. Ah, damnit, I knew I was forgetting something.
Edna: Oh, that's alright. Some of his other friends brought some pictures.
Doug: Well, here.... You can take a look at 'em, at least. They're from a couple years ago, but they're pretty good.
Doug thumbs through his phone and finds the folder with Pastor's pics.
Edna: Okay (pulls glasses down from atop her head).
Doug: (giggles) Oh, this one here... This is funny (laughs out loud) This is Pastor using a vice grip at one of our jobsite trailers. (Brings phone within her view)
Edna: (squints) Oh... ok, yeah.
Doug: Now, if you look closely at the vice grip, you'll see a construction helmet in there. He had the genius idea of adhering two water bottle holsters intended for a bike onto the helmet, and the clamp is just securing them down.
Edna: (reluctantly) I see. So, is that like a beer can helmet?
Doug: Yes ma'am. A damn fine one, too. (Excitedly) Oh, look at this one... This is another good pic. Here, see that clear tubing that we're running through the insulation there?
Edna: (looks intently) Yeah, I think. Is that, is it the copper tube?
Doug: No, right next to it. It's running alongside it.
Edna: Oh, (squints again) okay.
Doug: Well, this is classic Pastor. With the extra lengths of 1/4 inch tubing, here, he's cutting it down form the tubing for the beer can helmet to make a straw... And look here, here's the finished product... There's Pastor, me, John Gridell and Dave Burleson...
Edna: (glances in at the photo) Oh, so you each have your own beer can helmet?
Doug: Yep... But it was Pastor's idea. God, I'll miss him (tears form and run down cheek).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before Edna can catch her breath, another one of Pastor's friends finds his way over.
Pete: Hi, you must be Mrs. McMaliburton... (approaches her with a small stack of photos) I'm so sorry for your loss.
Edna: Thank you for saying that. It's Ms. Skubik now actually, but you can call me Edna.
Pete: Ok, Edna. I'm Pete.
Edna: Nice to meet you Pete. So, how do you know Pastor?
Pete: Um, we were on a softball team together.
Edna: Oh yeah, that's nice (smiles wholeheartedly), from his childhood?
Pete: No, it was a beer league softball team.
Edna: Oh, (bemused) I... (pauses with a sense of foreboding) I see.
Pete: Yeah, Pastor was a great guy, just really fun and a blast to be around.
Edna: Yeah, (reminisces briefly) thank you.
Pete: I've got some good photos of him, even some action photos that are really pretty cool. One of these pictures here is of him hitting a game-winning Home Run.
Edna already can safely assume the nature of what the photos will entail, but is suddenly optimistic to hear about these photos of him doing physical activity; this could possibly paint Pastor in a different light and show that he wasn't just another sedentary plus-sized, average joe 6-pack. As Edna waits patiently, Pete excitedly thumbs through several photos to find the action shot he described.
Pete: Yep, here it is.
Edna looks on with mild anticipation as she focuses in on the picture. It turns out, her initial instincts were more inline with what her hopes had set her up for. It was, like Pete had described, a nice action photo of Pastor swinging for the fences, but lo and behold, if it wasn't another picture of Pastor with that damned beer can helmet on his head... you could even see some spillage from the right side beer can as he leaned in to hit the pitch.
Pete: Tammerick had to buy the case of beer after that Home Run, Ray Tammerick. Pastor bet him that he could hit a home run while swigging out of his beer can helmet (tears up a little), classic McMaliburton. Ha, (chuckles with fondness) yep, he made Tammerick look like a fool that day... But here, take these photos and display them as you wish.
Edna greets the story and the photos that Pete places in her hand with reticence, then thanks Pete, and delicately slips away to other guests.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's just about 15 minutes left for the viewing before the funeral service begins. As Edna wonders the whereabouts of her remaining son, in strolls Gus with his two brothers, Ian and Patrick. The trio is a fair skin, rosy cheeked, beer-belly brigade of happy-go-lucky Scottish Americans, fully decked out in traditional kilts. Ian and Patrick recognize Edna immediately and go over for hugs and to offer condolences.
Edna is immediately put off by the whisky-laden breath on the three of them as they greet her, but nonetheless reconnects with them cordially on account of family obligations.
Patrick: I see Pastor stuck with the old McMaliburton last name, just like his brother Deacon... (eyes well up a little) He's a champ.
Ian: Ah bless them both, I miss Deacon all the time.
Edna: Yeah, he was a special boy. Thank you.
Ian: Oh, you remember our sister Margaret, right?
Edna: Ah yes, Margaret.
Ian: She sends her condolences from Peru.
Edna: Oh, great. How is she doing?
Ian: Good, good. She finally left Mexico and the latest controlling boyfriend of hers. She still has the McMaliburton last name and still wears it proudly.
Patrick: And if she flees that boyfriend, maybe she'll change it to McBaliburton!
The McHaliburton brothers burst into laughter at Patrick's suggestion. A nonplussed smirk caves in the lower portion of Edna's face as she neglects to react.
Patrick: I tell ya, the old typewriter that printed off the birth certificates for the medical records in that hospital... that damned "H!" I wonder if other families had their names mixed up for that same reason...
Edna grins haphazardly again as she's subjected to some old McMaliburton family lore.
Gus: I know the Marper's had the same problem... Remember how much shit Billy Marper used to get every time he tried explaining that his name was Billy Harper?
(Everyone shares in wistful laughter)
Patrick: Well, the name on my state-revoked driver's license might read Patrick McHaliburton, but Edna, I'm Patrick McMaliburton today (tears up then gives Edna another hug).
Ian: That goes for me too (tears up). And that's my little nephew in that casket (gives Edna another hug as well).
Edna: You McHaliburton's are something else (wiping back some joyous tears).
Gus: McMaliburton's. Today we're all McMaliburton's!
(cheering ensues amongst the group)
Father Eustice hears the raucous commotion and heads over to the lively bunch. Gus is a former member of the church, so he introduces him to his two brothers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------