I woke up with a start and sat on the bed, trying to calm down. My head was throbbing, icy beads of sweat were running down my face, and my breathing was fast. What a nice way to start your own birthday.
I removed the cell phone from the charger and realized that I woke up an hour before the alarm time. After the nervousness passed I got up and went to the bathroom to wash my face, I was feeling exhausted.
"God, what a crazy dream" I sighed.
I didn't feel like going back to sleep until the alarm went off, so I decided to get something to eat. There wasn't much interesting stuff in the fridge, so I fried eggs and ate them with some bread.
I watched the colors of the sunrise light up the kitchen through the window.
"Are you awake yet? How early!" Said my mother as she entered the kitchen, she was hiding something behind her.
"I had a nightmare, good morning."
"Good morning my birthday girl!" She hugged me as I had barely taken another bite of bread, "Looks like life decided to present you with a nightmare."
"Must be a bad omen" I muttered in a playful tone.
"Don't even think about it, today is your day. I suppose I have a better present than a nightmare!" she said the last sentence humming.
"And what would it be???"
"Well, it's not much…" My mother handed me a small box, inside the foam was burgundy red and in a small slit in the middle was…
"A ring!"
She watches my reactions and waits for me to say something else. It's a beautiful, dark ring; my guess is it's made of obsidian. I immediately put it on my ring finger, but it's too wide, so I switch it to my middle finger, and it fits perfectly.
"He's beautiful! And cold... It looks like the ring daddy always wears." I say as I bring my hand to my face and look up at him.
Even though it's dark, when the light shines on it, I can see small sparkles that resemble a starry sky. Inside, there are golden engravings written 'Morfeo'.
"It was the same one your dad wore, so it's a little big," she looked at the small accessory in my hand with a wistful look.
"I remember him telling me several times that he was going to give it to you when you were a teenager. Well, it turned out that when you became a teenager, he was still using it."
"So he didn't want to do it anymore?" I was surprised, why didn't he hand me the ring when I reached my teens?
"I asked the same, but his answer was that he was waiting for the right moment and didn't comment further."
"I believe he had his reasons… I wish he were here for me to ask." I was holding back tears, the birthday just wasn't the same without him.
"Me too." My mother gave me a long, lingering hug, "Want to know a fun fact? Your father told me that this ring was once your grandmother's too and that she passed it on to him in her teens. It is one of the relics of the Morfeo family. When there is more than one child, the parents order others to be made of the same material to have for everyone."
"Man, our family is pretty cool!"
"Yes, I must say that your father's lineage is quite enigmatic. Even after I got married and shared the same last name as his, there are things they don't tell even their spouses, only their children. I've always wanted to know the reason for so much secrecy for nothing, we're a family, aren't we?!"
"The fact that we have hereditary secrets makes us look important! But who's going to tell me now that dad is gone and grandma has Alzheimer's?"
"Your father wrote a letter and entrusted it to a friend to deliver if anything happened, because he knew that was the only way you would know and the knowledge not die. He was supposed to have already shown up to give it to you. Jeez, this son of a mother decided to entrust the letter to a friend rather than his own wife!" She looked a little frustrated.
I don't judge, I would be too if someone refused to tell an interesting secret.
"Now I'm curious, but don't get too worked up about it mom. It must be some shameful family secret!" I said that to try to cheer her up.
"Will you tell me when you read the letter??" Her eyes looked like a puppy's eyes.
"Secret is secret, I cannot break tradition." I crossed my arms playfully.
"Unnatural daughter!" This comment from her made me laugh.
"Well, I should get ready." I had gone straight to eat and was still in my pajamas.
I got ready, said goodbye and went to school. Honestly, I was curious if anyone knew my birthday. Of course I had already mentioned it a few times, however, did anyone remember? Upon arriving at school, I felt a mixture of anxiety and expectations.
I walked the halls, watching my classmates, trying to figure out if anyone had remembered my birthday. Please at least one person! Should I drop hints?
When I saw it, it was almost time for the break. I was discouraged, no one even noticed. At break, I usually sit on the stairs playing games or reading a book. But that day, I got distracted by staring at the ring's galactic sparkles.
"Angela! If I'm not mistaken, today is your birthday, isn't it?" echoed a female voice down the stairs where I was sitting.
It was Camila, a classmate I'd known since middle school, and her group of friends.
"Oh, yea! It's today!"
"Happy birthday! I hope your day is amazing!" She hugged me, and dammit! It's too much perfume for one person!
"Thank you very much!"
"What did you get today?" asked one of her friends.
"This little ring, it's simple but it's kind of cute"
"Simple and understated suits you Angela" Camila smiled.
I don't know if you had bad intentions but I left it aside. She was one of the most sociable girls in my class and one of the nicest too. The others were standard uppity popular ones, for example, Emily and Charlotte.
"I see you're alone on your special day, won't you join us today?" Camila asked. Was she an angel?? Perhaps the name 'Angela' should have been given to her.
"I would love!" A small flame of hope ignites within me.
We sat at a patio table and started talking. Camila introduced me to some of the other colleagues who were there.
"Have you been to Snack Haven?" asked one of the people.
"No, what place is this?"
"A famous diner we usually go to, should go sometime!" Explained another.
"It would be good for you to go celebrate today! I would go with you today but my part-time job starts earlier today. How about we schedule a day?" suggested Camilla.
"Well, I would have to deal with my mother first… But that would be great!"
"Right! When you can, let me know!"
"I've been there on my birthday and they give you a little key" Commented one of her friends.
"There are other cool places to go on a birthday too. I've been to the amusement park here and got a decorated balloon for free, " said another.
Everyone seemed friendly and interested in knowing a little more about me. I smiled, trying to join the conversation in the conversation, to fit in and enjoy the moment, even if it unlocks bad memories. This time it might work, just don't make the same mistakes as in the past.
As time passed, I realized that despite being involved in that interaction, something still felt missing. I felt a little out of place, like I was watching from the outside. Even trying to act like them, there was something that didn't quite line up... Again.
I have always been very sensitive to what others think and act. I'm always evaluating my tone of voice, my body language and what I say... Well, I don't really know what to say or bring up the subject, so I usually try to respond appropriately. It makes me feel robotic, and sometimes others notice that something is not right, even though I try my best. Even now, looking at this group of Camila's friends, I can feel their air of discomfort. Someone they barely know, who barely speaks, who they don't know if he can be trusted, is sitting next to them. I can feel the mood of the conversation, they are being cautious, and in a way, this unsettling energy is rubbing off on me.
As I watched the group laughing and talking, my thoughts returned to the ring my father had left for me. Did he have some deeper meaning? Could that mysterious object help me find a true sense of belonging in the world? The idea of a family secret made me feel important.
I have to say, distracting my mind does get rid of the feeling of being left out, but it makes me seem uninterested in the conversation. I don't know what to do to make this suffocation go away, every minute I get more and more anxious about how I should act and what would be the right thing to say in the conversation.
My mind wandered to another table in the schoolyard, where there was a girl alone reading who sometimes glanced this way. Her hair was red, which in sunlight appears pink. She not usually seen with other people, people avoid her, I wonder why. I identified myself, did she feel the same loneliness? After all, our situation in terms of 'people avoiding me' is similar. Was she looking this way because she could sense my anxiety?
I chatted with Camila and her friends until the break was over, and while I was grateful for the attention, I still couldn't feel completely at ease. As much as he tried to act like the others, the feeling of not belonging persisted. I had to pretend to know certain bands and movies, it was suffocating.
The afternoon dragged on, and it was finally time to go home. On the way back, I reflected on my day.
"I'm burned out, gone my social battery."
Did I say something wrong? Did I look pathetic? Well, there are some phrases that I said that were unnecessary, I saw it on their faces that they found it strange.
I had peers who cared at least a little bit about me, but I still felt isolated. It was like I was looking for something beyond the superficial everyday social interactions. I was frustrated, I just wanted people to accept me the way I am. I've tried to be myself, and all I got were dirty looks. It is for this reason that I spend my sanity to carry on a normal conversation.
"Snack Haven… If today was Saturday, I would have gone with my mom to celebrate…"
My mother works in the afternoon and at night. So when she comes home, I'm usually already asleep.
"Camila's perfume is exaggeratedly sweet." I muttered, after that hug she gave me, I smell like candy.
Upon returning home, I sat down on my bed again and opened the notepad on my cell phone. One day I read a post that said that writing is good, it helps the words of frustration get out of your mind and go straight to paper or text application. If they get stuck in your mind, it can drive you crazy.
[ A rant for everyone! Yes, I believe that society influences us from the moment we are born. We come into the world with rules already established both by parents and by the community itself. We have standards to be followed. See the schools! The different is often left aside, often just because they don't like the same musical tastes, the same style of clothing or have an interest in different subjects. There are cases where we find people with the same tastes as us and we are not alone, but I consider it rare. Many, not wanting to be left out, forcibly change their personality or appearance to fit in, and I say it's not healthy! But what a beautiful hypocrite I am, isn't it? And here comes a dilemma, we shouldn't change to fit in, but if we don't change and adapt, we'll be judged and seen as unusual or backward. In a way, we need to learn to live in society. But by exaggerating, we are suffocated! Wait, WE suffocate our inner selves. Seriously, in my honest opinion, we've all learned to wear masks and it's hard to find someone really genuine. But what happens when they sew the mask onto your face? Or what happens, if you overdo it and get lost in character? What would our identity be? We become fragments of behaviors we acquire from others, we do things we don't want to, but at what price? ]
"At what price…?"
I turned off the phone screen and looked at the ring on my finger, "Now I'm 17 dad, what would be your reaction when your daughter is almost an adult? What advice would you give me…"
I closed my eyes, it's kind of interesting the mental fatigue that socializing brings. Do extroverts also have this problem sometimes?
My conscience said "bye bye" and gave way to the world of dreams.
I was in an unfamiliar girl's room, standing in front of a mirror putting on my makeup. But, that wasn't me. This is not my body and not my appearance! This body is… I became Camila?!