"You are a disappointment to our family."
The sound was loud in my ears. Even though the source of the voice wasn't anywhere to be seen. It haunted me at the back of my ear. Yet, I continue to walk.
Looking back at the sight of the shimmering palace made me realize how small the place is.
It was a cage now that I think about it. A cage made of pain from the past, adorned with wasteful luxuries to feast the eyes of the penurious outside.
I always remember their nonchalant glance toward me. Like I'm a pebble on a roadside. A snow in a certain summer day, forgotten by anyone else. Even though we're tied by blood, I have never felt an ounce of love from them.
The 6th Princess of Astrea Kingdom, Princess Yelena Starreava. The underachiever lady that holds the name of light. The laughing stock of the whole kingdom.
My crippling shyness prevent me from bonding with other of my peers. I'm not really on the bright side either. Whether it be physical, magic or academic, my siblings would always outshine me. Me being the odd one out has earned me the mockery "Hopeless Princess" in school. Being the middle child out of 12 siblings didn't exactly help my case too.
All of them would look at me with a sneer. But it hurts the most when they'd just treat me like air. Like I never existed in the first place.
What was the point of my birth if I was going to be treated like this.
Disappointment, resentment, all kinds of ugly emotion- I've seen it in those gaze for a long time ever since I can remember.
It's okay. I can endure it.
They always say that those who chose to walk their path with thorns unfailing will come out victorious. I just need some time and put more sweat and soul into it.
Looking back now, how naive I was.
A young bud. Yet to blossom. Not knowing what's to happen next... I'm sort of envious.
"...Spica, do you think people would miss me?"
Spica, my trusted maid, replied as soon as I asked. Replying with her usual stoicism.
"My Lady. In all honesty, it's a no."
"...Yeah, that was a stupid question..." I look down at my feet when I heard her answer. I no longer wear my comfortable night shoes in my bedroom, but on my feet there's a worn-out boots to use for a long journey instead. "Forget I asked that."
"Yes, my Lady."
I tugged the tip of cloak. It was to make sure I didn't feel cold while walking in cheap winter clothes, but also to make sure I didn't show any skin of my face. In case if someone recognizes me from the castle.
"My Lady."
"Hm?"
"Are you sure you want to go through this?"
"This?" Spica then gestured at my clothes that are much humbler than what I used to wear.
"There's no going back once you did, so you need to think every step ahead carefully. Over what you should do to ensure your survival, to what you should do in case someone does recognize you." Spica's gaze got colder when the night breeze pick up. Her ruby eyes that supposed to look fierce, actually look quite freezing. "Please do not leave any regrets behind, my Lady."
Regrets huh...
I glanced at the castle that is way behind me now. I used to call that place a 'home' but in the end, it was just a building. I'm not even sure the tinge of sourness in my chest was from the pain of leaving the people I knew. We were just strangers living together under the same roof after all. I only regret that I only just noticed it when I had spend my 19 years in a futile attempt for their attention.
"...I prefer to leave it though."
And let it stay there forever.
The sourness in my chest worsen the moment I said that. Could I be regretting my decision— no, it couldn't be.
Holding back the warm tears welling on my eyes, I continue to walk away with the silhouette of the palace behind me. Slowly fading away as I walk.
"We should get going or else we won't be getting out of Astrea before sunrise."
"...I understand, my Lady."
Normally, you'd reach the kingdom border from the center after traversing for a whole day (two days if the snow were especially hard). But since this is an emergency, we use one-use teleportation spell. It's cheap and easy to bring everywhere, but it can only cover a short distance. But it's enough for me to reach the station.
"I guess it's time to say goodbye..." The hustle bustle of the train station felt alien to me, but it's not unwelcome. The one that felt truly alien, however, was the gaze of my soon-to-be retired maid, lingering over my figure. Her eyes are still cold as ever, like the coldest snow in a blizzard. Yet...
"Do you have something to say, Spica?"
A short contemplation from her, then come along a faint voice:
"I'm sorry for not being to help you."
Spica— the only person that doesn't treat me like air, to treat me like a person would. She's awkward with her emotions, so she sometime can act more childish than me while still wearing her cold expression all the time. It's funny since she's the older one here.
I've always thought of her cold attitude as a power. Since to act unflappable against even the vilest of slanders was my wish. So I always admire her. Trying to be her in every steps.
...But I was simply incapable of that.
I was simply too emotional for my own good.
I can't help but to feel a bit envious at her at the end.
Did that envy turn into hatred at some point? I wonder. When she showed a sliver of regret in her eyes, something inside me just yell: "Take that!". My inside was instantly filled with foul thoughts. I want to scream at her over and over again for not being there for me. To rip off her hair for not showing any words of care from her mouth. She never did anything and always stood by the sideline. Just watching everything unfold in silence.
I know that. I know that even though she's my personal maid. She is still a lowly servant. She won't and can't interfere with my life. She can't do anything. And yet...
"...It's okay. You don't have any choice."
I can't say I hate her at the end.
It'll make this departure sad.
This is supposed to be joyful. The nuisance will finally be gone. And everyone will get their happily ever after. And that include you too, Spica.
You don't need to worry after me anymore. You don't need to burden yourself with me again.
"Well, I'll be going now," I turned away so I don't show my face to her. For you who have done nothing and all things for me, the best I can do is putting up a calm mask. "Take care, Spica."
I heard no answer. Even though she always answered to my every request. Either it was because the loud train whistles filled the entire station or because she didn't say anything. I don't know.
And I don't have the courage to turn around and know.
•••
I slumped myself against the wall of train. Strange. I felt so exhausted when I only walked a short while. I didn't do anything extra and save energy for the journey.
"I just want to disappear from this world..."
I closed my eyes while muttering. Drowsy, I eventually let myself succumb to slumber. Only in total darkness I can see the myriad of brilliance embraces my existence. Only in dream I can let myself intoxicated with happiness. I recalled a gentle song in the midst of dream. A peaceful lullaby from the old music box when I was young. The music box was long broken but the melody stayed in me. I loved it so much that I wrote lyrics to match it myself.
O children of light, night has arrived
Close your eyes, everything scary will be gone
O children of light, till dawn is here
I will always be here for you
O children of light, sleep well...
I can't recall anything more as the last thing I can remember was the vivid memory of my music box slammed to the ground to pieces.
I jolted from my seat as I woke up to that image in my brain. Cold sweats dripping from my skin.
It's okay Yelena. Breath in, breath out...
It's just a dream. It's not real. It's-
"It's real..."
I hate myself. Why can't I get over it? It's only an antique! I only use it to entertain myself in spare time when I was a kid. If it was my siblings, they-
"Ah..."
Ah. Even though we're distance away from each other now, I can't seem to escape my shadow. I still compare myself to them. I still sit how they used to told me. Even the way I speak is how they taught me to.
"...I'm really a hopeless princess, huh."
Now I am not even a princess anymore. I'm just a hopeless nobody. A nobody that will die on her own. Gone in everybody's life. But it's a happy ending. So I don't need to feel sad.
I can't hold the tears back anymore. I let out every portion of sorrow in my life, for every hardships I have to endure and for every pain I told myself it's okay. My life was supported by lies after lies and crumbled because of that.
I don't have anything left now.
My cries turn to ugly sobbing. I cried and cried, for God knows how long. I don't even care if anybody sees how pathetic I am. I want to let out everything I had bottled up. The emotions and everything.
I finally calm down after a while. My eyes are red and swell. I'm hiccuping between my breath. But it's a cathartic feeling. It's been so long since I felt a sense of peace within me. It felt like I can disappear at peace after this.
Yet that didn't last long either.
"...Where's the other passengers?"
The cabin was empty. Not a single soul to be seen. The lights are still on, along with the air conditioner since I still can hear the sounds of its hum. I can also hear the sounds of trains wheels sizzling against the rail so the train must be still running. There's only pitch black when I look at the window so I can only assume it's night time by now.
How long have I been asleep? They haven't check my ticket yet. They should wake me up by now. Did I accidentally missed my train?
"Hello?" I try to called out to anybody, but my voice was hoarse after all that sobbing. "Mr. Ticket collector? Anybody here?"
It's silent. So silent that it's suffocating.
Maybe the train conductor is still here...
I walked and walked. From one cabin to another one. But there's no people in there at all. My steps become more frantic with each steps, along with my anxiety. I can feel all my hairs stood on their ends. Eventually, I arrived at the train's cab. Maybe I can talk with the driver instead... Here's hoping they won't be mad at me for trespassing.
"Excuse me-" it was locked when I try to open it. No matter how much I struggle to slide it open. It won't budge a single inch.
"Hello?" I resorted to knocking on the door, but there was no answer coming from there. More knocking and still now answer.
Just what in the world is going now...
Suddenly, there's a loud and fizzling sound coming from the speaker. The first few second is silent, but there's a voice making an announcement later. But what shocked me the most was that it directly addressed to me.
"Lady Yelena Starreava. The train will arrive shortly at its destination. Please prepare and check your belongings as quick as possible. The train will arrive in 20... 19..."
"W-Wait, what?!"
"18... 17..."
I ran back to my cabin to get my stuff as soon as possible. Only 20 seconds?! At least give me some extra time to prepare! What kind of train is this?!
The way back feel much longer than before. So when I finally get back, there wasn't much time left.
"5... 4..."
I managed to get a hold of my bag. I was grateful that I only brought a few things with me in my journey.
"3... 2... 1..."
Just when I can breathe a sigh of relief. My consciousness faded away when the countdown finally ended. All that I remember from the journey was the train's last announcement before passing out.
"Please note that any lost cannot be returned or refunded in any sort of way, so please take your own responsibility. Thank you for choosing our express' service. We look forward to our next trip and stay safe."