Kim Seungmin
Was it the first day of College I felt that way, or it was the last when I was afraid I wouldn't be able to see her for these days.
I was walking to classroom when I saw a puzzled bubble of thoughts floating over a one little figure. Dark black hairs not too long, making themselves wave with those curves when she walked in somewhat hurry.
Her eyes lowered. Looking at shoes which was considered to be polished. Quivering lips, making oneself to maintain the composure. Hands cluched tightly into puch, cliching over to skirt.
Was she going to give an exam. What was those thoughts she was thinking about.
( A glimpse of her and he studied her whole. )
"Come inside now will ya!" Hyunjin asked.
I sat on last as promised to Hyunjin. And he will be sitting at first as he promised. But until everyone arrived he sat in front of me. We were about to talk when the door suddenly banged open..
I saw those polished shoes entering the room. I couldn't resist myself. I bended so that I can have another look at her. Hyunjin sitting in front of me was already looking at her. He wouldn't have listened or questioned me several time.
I looked at her, again lowered eyes. Those clouds clean white but in moment cloudy with lighting in between. Was she scared? Before Hyunjin turn I sat perfectly or else I know the teasing.
Nothing until teacher asked to introduce herself. Those clouds with same thunder but no rain! She introduced herself. And those clouds howering over her mind. The storm I could feel. Eun Seoyoon was it? What a beautiful name! The way she never looked at any other, She will never be true I guess.
She never looked up, not for a moment. But she looked at Hyunjin. Devoted to his beauty. Was she falling in love. They clouds above her changed into a clear day. She was smiling!
It took time to make myself look away from her. But I introduced myself. She won't be looking as she only found the sunshine in Hyunjin. I being myself introduced.
And stucked at place as she gazed. She gazed with none of thoughts in mind. The sun outside shone, The brightest it could get. The clouds above her disappeared. She had no thoughts. Not a single one looking at me.
I froze, I couldn't move. Am I not in existence for her. All I could do was to restrain myself. I sat! That day the gaze she gave, never returned! The existence of mine was maybe nothing to her.
But she was too quite. The clouds getting darker and darker!
That day when she was about to fall I threw Hyunjin behind her. He was about to fall but the two of them maintained their posture. The thing you called as heaven's made.
He talked to her and those clouds slightly moving away. The days passed by and I found she have not left one single rainy cloud above her.
I may be nothing to her, but let me stay as nothing then!
Days passed by, she was the happiest as I could see. And I never wanted to ever clear that clear sky above her by any means.
One day, she just didn't came. I was somehow worried. Anxious! In pain. Missing her. Missing her badly that I need to calm myself down.
The next day she came. With no clouds above her! Does anything happen to her. All of her freinds asked and I was listening! Nothing happened to her. She was enjoying.
But the clouds above her must be change into clear sky. Why is nothing there? Hyunjin went close to her. And I saw Sunrays shining above her head.
He asked about her..., her boyfriend! My heart was aching. The fact thinking about Hyunjin have feelings for her. I wasn't knowing what those feeling was but I felt pain.
He returned with smile. Must be some pleasant matter they discussed! In recess I asked him about what they were talking. And he told he wanted to befriend with her bestfriend. For whom she was absent.
She was well and enjoying her days with best friend. Thus she had no thoughts for few times. That doesn't mean that thoughts never existed!
Does that mean, she... I couldn't understand the meaning of no skies above her head. Was beacuse she was happy ?
I should not let myself lose my composure. But I need to know what she thinks of me. The moment of my silence passed. I wanted to talk to her. But could not.
As I did earlier it became my habit. To restrict myself in front of her. To became nothing in front of her. I tried and tried but could not make myself to talk to her.
The finals came! I wasn't able to see her. I lost my focus over my studies. All I could think was her smile. Her laugh on Hyunjin's lame jokes. And again it came to my mind, heaven's made!
I went further ahead of time. Waiting for endless time for her to come. Waiting before exam just to have one glance of her. She was there. Always, with her friends. Hyunjin sometimes came with her. Making her nervous, making her smile. Making her laugh, fooling with her and all I could do was wait for her to come here and just pass by me.
Even if her gaze ever stayed at me, it never stayed for even a second. I literally became nothing to her.
On last day Hyunjin called her over karaoke. My first time ever having her beside where I existed. I knew Hyunjin must have told about how I sing, he just can't remain silence when matter comes to this. And she will judge me today.
I sang, but Hyunjin left my side and sat beside her. I saw her smiling. Me trying Not to look at her but somehow managing my gaze to have her in my sight. When I finished I look at her to know what was her reaction.
But I could not, her stare was looking happily at me. I could not! And I can not. I can not answer that gaze. Those smiling eyes, and then resist myself not to talk to her. Not to hold her close.
I diverted my gaze to Hyunjin and just saw at front. Behaving myself.
Hyunjin came back in no time. I learned he will be enjoying his vacations with her. I wanted to ask can I? But I remembered I was nothing.
I was waiting for her turn. To hear her voice. As I always hear a lot as she is quite a talktive. But I wanted to listen her singing. What song she prefers and how well is her voice.
For the moment she sang I was not in my bound. I was unintentionally looking at her. I forgot to avoid my gaze. I forgot that she thinks of nothing. I forgot to notice the clouds above her disappeared. I forgot everything. Just staring at her, listening to her voice. And wanting her to sing more.
Wishing myself to join. To hold her hands. To sing with her. To tell her to sing always. For me and with me. I smiled for the whole moment. And I was glad she never looked at me.
When we left I heard she will be coming for farewell. I planned to stay beside Chan Hyung.
But now I wanted to be with her. If I don't get chance to see her, I might regret.
When I left I asked Chan Hyung if it's okay I don't join him. And he happily said yes. And to enjoy.
The next day, Hyunjin came to pick me up. We made plan to stay together. As She will always be staying beside him.
He called her. She didn't answered. And I wasn't say anything.
We left for college where other students will be coming. Hyunjin called her several times on the way, she still didn't answered.
I was anxious and so was Hyunjin. He called someone I dont know. He as soon call was answered in little scared voice said, "Yoona isn't picking calls. You know where is she?"
Yoona! Is he calling Seoyoon, Yoona! He is so close to her! But to whom he was talking to? He hung up the call few minutes later. And told me, she keep her phone silent. And she is at school, that he guesses.
We arrived at school. He went to another way and I knowing everyone might be in classroom made my way to see her.
There were bunch of kids running wild over stairs. I made my way carefully to climb up. The stairway was silent once they left.
But then I felt those clouds thundering and crying over somewhere in distant. I made my way. I was knowing she was anxious. She was scared.
I saw our fellow students were making there way in hurry.
As Bus will be left in no time. As they came the clouds howering over grew in size. And it rained with thunder. I saw her. Closing her eyes. Standing, tightly holding the railings. A few tighter and her hands will sunk deep inside that wall.
Her hand was shivering. Nothing was in my mind. I held her hand making myself walk through them and carefully making her way. She followed along.
The clouds somehow disappearing. The Sun shining over her. I could not look over back but those sunrays made me feel much warmer.
Her hands were soft, small and gentle. If I could I wanted to hold them for eternity. Never leaving, never abandoning.
The area before my eyes got clearer.
I left her hand. And I ran!
I ran as I wanted to disappear from front of her. And to my favour her restless and shivering breathes it gave me moments more than I needed to get away from her.
Hyunjin was already there, making myself sit I liked. The window one! I saw her still standing. Not making a move. She raised her head and I looked away.
And again I saw, her gaze that I felt on first day. But not a single thought in her mind. Everything clear!
She still not care about me. And to her I'm still that nothing.