Kim Seungmin
She looks at me with nothingness, And to me it causes so much pain.
Her freinds called her over. Hyunjin too went to talk to her. Me with my thoughts wanting to look at her but could not! And I saw that gaze, I can not!
Hyunjin talked to her for time being and then made his way toward me. I again sighed thinking of heaven's made.
That day I was the closest I could be. That day I saw her dance, saw her sing. Saw her being emerged in the fun.
My heart wanted to hold her hands. The way I held them earlier. To stand beside her. To look at her without blinking. To told her seeing her smiling is the only thing I want now!
But the day ended. I was enjoying view of her, every emotion being restricted. Each and every emotion of her making my heart to react.
We were wating, for the bus to arrive. My eyes over her but her eyes searching for someone.
I was with her for whole day but Did I get a chance to look at her? Everytime my eyes wanting to stay still at her, but I tried hard not to look at her. And now, I was staring at her. In dim light. Her sky with twinkling stars.
And again the clouds seems to appear. She was looking for someone. And I knew who it was. Her heaven's made!
Before she could worry much, I answered telling her he will be back.
And not looking at me for even a second she turned. My heart again sunk in deep dispair. That I will not seeing her for holidays. And she never thought of me once. And I never got chance to talk to her.
We parted in front of college. But Hyunjin made driver to stop the car. I saw her, she was worrying so much. The dark cloud with night, howering above her.
Is she scared of night?
Hyunjin made his way out. I was wishing him to stay in front and make her sit beside me. And he did. As I thought, she refused first but she joined.
I wanted to stare at her but a moment she realised my presence, her clouds changed into night sky and again disappeared. I froze again! Staring at distant not knowing why but not allowing myself to look at her.
Not making her feel wierd. Not making fool of her, nor getting in her side. But I felt she feels nothing for me. Not even a gaze not a smile. She didn't even dared to look at me.
I took out my phone and so does everyone. She was on her phone and me making my eyes to look over her. Her hairs messed up those slight curls tangled in one another.
Her perfume was it giving mild scent of her presence, not too strong but still visible. Her lips when curled and then froze again. Her worry not to disturb other. Her gaze sometimes trying to see if I'm looking at her.
But for all the time not a single cloud!
We reached her home. She went outside. I don't want this! It wasnt even a proper ride. We are parting for month. Stay a little longer.
And I couldn't hold my thoughts, looking at her. She leaving with no thoughts in her mind. And now the clouds above her twinkling with various stars.
She looked back and again, it disappeared. My gaze stayed there. For once to let her know I was looking at her knowing, she won't be able to see me. But I want her to look at me. And I didn't wanted to be nothing to her no more!
I refused Hyunjin's request to join them. But my heart can't be settled in nothing. These days, with every hour, every minute and every second haunted me. My heart longing for her smile. Her sweet voice. Her presence.
Few times in day Hyunjin would text. They having a lot of fun. Everything about him and a person Felix. But not about her. Only a little thing to know, the three of them enjoyed.
I made myself get busy in various activities but I couldn't. And I left for her town in night. The way I restrained myself for year, it didn't worked. When she is not around I can not be myself anymore.
Or was just this beacuse I don't wanted Hyunjin to be with her. No! It wasn't ! I won't bother them. I want to just look at her smile. Being lively in her hometown. The thing Hyunjin mentioned, a happiest moment of her to be shared with me.
It was early in morning I reached. Booked a room and rested for few time. I knew her address and in early morning I went there.
I saw her, hurrying in her warm clothes. Rubbing her hands and, smiling so brightly looking at persons in front of her. Sun shine above her very bright that this sun would also seemed to faint.
She looked at me. And the moment our eyes met the sun Shining above her head just disappeared. She looked at me with that gaze I could no longer see her. I looked at Hyunjin who ran toward me.
With person with him, Felix? Her best friend.
And the Sun shining above her head for those two. I smiled toward her. A proper way to enter to others house.
The clouds above her distorted. Giving rainy and clear sky view in random split seconds. She smiled back. But the way her thoughts tangled up.
Was she confused!
And was she for the first time?
I haven't seen those clouds of her running wild.
They made me stay, I talked to her making my way of talks to involve her to talk.
But she is quite. May be my presence was unpleasure to her. The thoughts of her nothing seemed to change. Nor sunny neither rainy.
I went with her. For trekking. Following her. Her brightest smile. I could no longer compose myself. With her pleasant voice and her laugh. This frozy air was helping me to keep my calm.
She had no clouds but her face did not showed any reaction such as unhappiness or uninterested. She was moving happily and so does I.
I can not restrict myself now, to look at her. The sunrays falling over her, made her smile much brighter. All I could do was to look at her and smile.
I held her hands, not allowing her to touch the dust. She is clumsy! And clumsiness comes with cuteness. The warmth I was feeling was unexplainable. She was with me. From morning to noon.
She smiled. And I was no longer 'nothing'. The clouds above her do not seem to return. But I can not think about that. As her smile makes me want to ignore them.
We were about to leave. But I was unable to maintain myself from keeping distance from her. I want to hold her hands. Not through gloves. I want to hold her slim, soft and small hands which I held few days ago.
The long gone agony returned to me. I sat beside her. In chance to get close to her. To be beside her.
For a year it was, I was not allowing myself to be in her way. But when today I got a chance to be with her, I lost my mind.
And her clouds returned. This were new, did I ever noticed this kind before. I haven't! It was dark but it still had butterflies. Is she car sick! But when we arrived she wasn't. Not even earlier.
Did she fell sick by trekking. Did cold winds made her feel sick! I was worring! But sitting beside her made my heart heavier. I need to behave myself.
I sat still. Showing none of signs for my hesitation. That I made mistake. That I should not sit beside her. Her butterflies were still sick. Moving Unconsciously over her head.
Talks were going and I was included. Her aunt made me blush several times. Which I tried to avoid to. She is beside me but I need my heart to listen my head first.
We arrived and this was time for me to leave. But the person named Felix was too sweet, I wasn't able to resist him. I spend not a day with him, but he seems to be like my friend from long.
I made descision to stay. To see her smiling. It was enough for me. But my heart wanted even more of my time with her.
We went for a walk. She walked beside me. I talked to her and she replied sweetly. The clear sky with rainbow was all I could see. She was happy and so was I. And the nothingness gone!
For the first time. When she is with me, there are actually clouds. And not just a nothingness! I was happy as she was.
Here come the disturbance. I was so into her I didn't heard any voice of them until I followed her gaze. The sky above her smiled with moon. Is this the sign that she wants something?
They were asking for Ice cream. Felix walked toward the store. And Hyunjin stood there without moving. A dumb guy as ever! I followed Felix as I don't want him to be alone.
I went with him. But when I looked back the both of them were gone. Where to? Where are they! I found an ice storm hovering in woods.
I saw much of new side of her. I followed and found she was holding Hyunjin's hand and then dropped it. Was she angry? About having me here!
I could only see was, Hyunjin being under spell. And I could feel that it was love. A sudden storm of ice now changed into evening sky just like nothing.
Like when she looked at me. With nothingness. But soon come the dark sky. Not rainy but cloudy. I thought it was proposal. The one confirmed his love and one was confused to accept or not.
I moved from there, watching Felix coming I ran toward him. Hiding the pain I was feeling. And the words I was repeating to myself to make myself calm. But Felix could still feel my sadness. He asked if something was wrong with me.
And I was feeling alone, standing there. He looked at me a lot. As two of them walked in front of us. Her sky get melted away in sweet evening. Starts twinkling and moon smiling.
I made my descision to leave. But still I was asked by Felix. To wait till the morning! My heart ache so much. I want to cry. I wanted to scream. I was regretting why I came here. Regretting ever to get this feelings.
Regretting to fall for her. And I realised 'I fall for her'. I had no other ways to describe this feelings of mine. I was happy when she was. I was afraid when she was. And this could only mean that I have feelings for her.
The feelings of love.
I am in love. And so is she. But she loves someone else.
One more night and I'll be again nothing to her like earlier. I'll forget about the day spend. Forget about her smile and everything about her. Just this night and I'll be back..
The time I went to walk with Hyunjin and Felix I realised something. Something that can make my heart brust with happiness. When I saw Hyunjin looking at Felix, I saw the way I looked at her.
Hyunjin never talked about her like he talk about Felix. He never looked at her as he look toward Felix. He doesn't smile like this when he is with her.
He, he have no thoughts, no feelings for Her. But for him, his heart melts. He was here for him. He was here all this time just to have some talks with him.
He is greatfull to her that he met here with him. He, he love him. The way, I can't guess. But nothing as love seemed between her and him. There was difference and I can see.
I regretted thinking of my beloved best friend in that manner. I regretted thinking of Hyunjin that way. I regretted thinking about both of them.
And I wish ever to tell her my feelings. But what feelings that I am feeling toward her. Again, was it Love. Or is the feeling of being special to someone just as Hyunjin.
We went home. They wanted to play games, and I just wanted to see her. As I'll be leaving tomorrow. Let me see her for a while. Hyunjin have told me they usually spend these time together.
Felix went to call her. I got a call and I went outside leaving Hyunjin alone. It was my mom asking about my whereabouts! But then I found Hyunjin isn't picking up his mom's call and ignoring her. My mom wanted me to bring him home if I know where he is!
Hyunjin do have some bitter problems. He often ignore his mom. I need to bring him back. At least if he calls back it will be great. But I found his mom needs his help. So taking him back is the best option.
I made my mom to rest assure that I'll bring him back. I didn't wanted to ruin Hyunjin's mood so, I decided to tell him tomorrow!