"Your headaches are still persisting?"
"Yes." I glance down at my lap. I wince internally at the movement my eyes made and try to slowly look back up at the psychiatrist.
She pages through her notes and look at me over her glasses. "Have you been taking ALL your medication, every time, following the schedule precisely?"
I remain quiet. She sits back in her chair and tucks some of her neatly cropped dark hair behind her ear. Then she folds her hands together on her desk. "You understand that only by taking your medication will you feel better." I sigh. "I know. But it's just that…" I sigh again.
The psychiatrist stays quiet, patiently waiting for my full response. I fumble with my words, knowing that my answer will disappoint her no matter how well her cool, collected, professional face hides it. Thinking how to respond, even, hurts my brain, so I just say what needs to be said, "Even if the medication manages my headaches quite well, it makes me feel numb. Like I have no feelings at all. And it makes me feel tired. Always."
The psychiatrist nods and I can feel her carefully masked disappointment. "I understand, Meiyi. It is a common side-effect of the medication. But it is important for you to take this medication to prevent your manic states and panic attacks. You are unable to control these "emotions" as you call them, and the medication helps you to control them."
The truth is that the medication doesn't help me "control" my emotions. It completely takes them away from me. But I know that the psychiatrist will find another way to reason with me to take the medication, so I decide not to argue with her.
Half an hour before I left her office, she made me take the medication. The satisfaction with having accomplished her goal and having done "the right thing" hung in the air until everything numbed.
"How did it go?" Kai asks me as I get in the passenger seat of his blue SUV. He was the one that made me an urgent appointment to go to my psychiatrist after finding me passed out in our living room when he got home from work last night. "Your medication isn't working, you need to get different ones," he had told me with a worried look as I woke up, finding myself carefully tucked into our bed.
Now his eyes looked hopeful as he stared at me, stroking my hair. If I could feel anything now, I would've felt that hope. And I would have felt immense pain. And I would have cried. Because I wasn't good at hiding emotions. But he was good at hiding his pain and his tears. He must look strong so that he can take care of me. So that he can be someone worth relying on. All the years that I knew him taught me that. But the last few months I felt like I could read him. His emotions, his thoughts. It was like I suddenly knew his soul – parts that he hid from the world. I guess love evolves that way.
I smiled in a way that I hoped made me look like I was not lying, "It went well. She gave me new medication and said that we'll have to see if it works better for me now." Kai leaned over and hugged me tightly to him. "I'm so, so glad." I could hear the relief in his voice. If I could feel anything now, I would have felt my heart sting with the regret of lying to this man who had devoted his whole life to me.
"Let's go get some ice cream!" He said enthusiastically. I smiled, knowing that we used to eat ice cream as a form of celebration all the time – even when it was snowing outside. It was something I started when we were younger.
Kai was chatting away about puppies and how we should get a bigger house and adopt a puppy. I lost him halfway through the conversation, staring out the window but not at the city life bustling by.
Things were not always like this. I grew up a happy girl. I was the only child my parents had, and I was a miracle. I was not supposed to exist – my parents were unable to have children even after trying for heaven knows how long. Until one day when my mom nearly fainted at work and went to the doctor, who told her that she was pregnant. The whole family rejoiced and celebrated the birth of the long-awaited baby girl. My mother said that, when I was a baby, I had a peculiar little birthmark right below my left collarbone. My grandmother told her that it was the mark of the heavens and that I was an angel that came to this realm to be their child for a while. They had to protect and take care of me to thank the heavens for lending me to them. As I grew older, the birthmark eventually disappeared, but my grandmother continued to believe her story until the day she passed on.
My father made sure that no harm ever came to me, and even had his best friend's son, Kai, look out for me at school when we were kids. Kai took his job very seriously, but I was irritated at the older boy that always followed me around and called the teachers when I fell and scraped my knees. Eventually, I grew accustomed to this boy and became friends with him. It was only in high school when he confessed that he liked me, and I realized that I rather liked him too. After we graduated from university, we decided to move in together, after trying to convince my dad for nearly a month that everything was going to be okay.
Never once have I felt like I did not belong. Never once have I felt like an outcast or someone or something that should not have been allowed to exist. But these days… I felt like I was not supposed to be a part of this world. It is a strange thing to try and explain.
First, strange accidents started happening. Like, I would randomly trip and catch myself right before I fell to the ground. And if I would check to see what it was that made me trip, there would be nothing. There were also quite a concerning number of times where I would narrowly avoid being run over by a scooter or bicycle. I normally would not take the bus to work, but the one day when Kai could not drop me off at work and I had to make use of the bus, was when I nearly got on a bus that crashed. If it weren't for a man that asked me for directions and made me miss the bus… I would have been one of the victims that passed away in that bus crash that day.
Then the… illness… started. I woke up the day after my twenty-third birthday feeling a bit strange. I had a light headache, but I thought that I was just hung over after drinking so much on the night of my birthday. When I got to work, I felt like I was not in the mood to be there at all… which was strange. I loved my job, and I was always happy to be there. But that one day I was not happy to be there at all. Normally, everyone would feel that way during the company's busiest time of the year, but I was always the one that kept my cool no matter what. My colleagues used to call me "the Alien" as a light-hearted joke for being the only one that never cracked under the pressure. But this year I just could not help but be on edge the whole time.
My boss was yelling angrily at a colleague of mine for making some kind of mistake and I suddenly felt angry too. I was furious at that colleague, and I didn't even know what they did wrong. Then my mood changed. I was nervous, and I felt sorry for doing something wrong – even if I did not do anything wrong. It was as if the boss was yelling at me and not my colleague. My headache grew worse, and I turned my attention towards someone else – the janitor. My mood changed again, and I felt… overwhelmed. Like I had a lot to do and have not done nearly enough yet. And I was nearly done with my work, so I didn't understand where the feeling was coming from. The janitor was mopping fast, and I got the feeling that the overwhelming feeling of not getting anything done was what he was experiencing. Every time I would turn my attention to a different person, I would feel something different.
Until the feelings started to mix. It was like feeling multiple feelings at once, but not quite understanding why you felt them and where they came from. And as all these feelings were intertwining within me, my headache grew worse and worse until I could not handle it anymore.
I went outside to get some fresh air, and by the time I got outside I was gasping and clutching my head. I realized that going outside might not have been the best idea when I saw people looking at me with concern and asking me if I was okay. With each person that I felt near me, my head would pound harder. Eventually my vision blurred, and I passed out.
My company called the ambulance, and I woke up nearly two days later with Kai and my parents standing next to my hospital bed. They said that the doctors did not know what was wrong with me and that my health – according to them – was in good shape. They suggested I see a psychiatrist.
"Hey, Honey?" Kai's voice broke me away from my daydreaming. I glanced at him, "Hmm?" He pointed toward the ice cream shop across from where we were parked. "We're here."
"Oh. Right. Let's go."
I jumped out of Kai's car, and we walked toward the shop. Near the shop there were a few benches under a big tree. Kai pointed toward one, "Why don't you wait for me there? I'll be right back." I nodded and smiled. The shop looked packed with people, and I was not in the mood for people anyway.
I sat down and noticed a group of children running around, playing with bubbles. Their little faces were red from the cold and excitement. I wondered if I would ever be able to feel excited again. I thought about how Kai must feel for having to take care of a zombie like me. I wondered if I would ever get the chance to be a good mother.
A ball rolled against my foot, and I realized that it must belong to one of the kids. I pick it up and look up to – sure enough – see a little boy with an expectant expression. I try my best to smile warmly as I got up and tossed the ball at him. "Thank you!" he shouted to me as he caught it in his little hands.
Then I noticed behind the boy a man was running full speed in my direction. He wore black all over – black jeans, a black shirt, black sneakers. His hair was tied back into a long ponytail that was violently wiping back and forth behind him. He looked very out of place.
Then I heard it. The sound of honking and tires screeching. I turned to look towards where the sound was coming from, only to find a car speeding towards me. I did not have enough time to get away. It was too fast.
"Meiyi!" I heard Kai screaming. I closed my eyes and braced for impact.
And I was met with a different type of impact. Strong arms lifted me up from the ground and the person leaped out of the way of the vehicle with me in their arms, landing with their back on the ground and me on top of them.
I opened my eyes to find the man with the long ponytail beneath me. He was still holding on to me as if he was too scared to let go of me. Our faces were so close that I could feel his heaving breaths in my face. I could now make out his facial features. His had an otherworldly beauty to it. His nose, jaw, chin, eyebrows all seemed so perfect that it HAD to be sculptured. He looked like he belonged in a fantasy drama. He looked… familiar.
"Are you alright?" he asked. His face held concern, but it was quickly masked by a blank expression.
"Ye-yeah." I answered. "Thank you for saving me."
I sat up and got off him so that he could get up. Kai grabbed hold of me just as I got up. "Mei Yi, Honey! Are you okay? Are you hurt?" I shook my head, "No, I'm okay. Ponytail-guy saved me."
Kai looked confused, "P…Ponytail-guy?" Kai looked at the man that saved me. The man returned his gaze with an unreadable expression. "Of all the things you could have called me…" the man said, "You decided to call me that."
"Ah! I didn't mean to offend you, sir. It just… sorta… came out." That was weird. Why did I call him that?
"Well, anyway, thank you so much for saving my girlfriend, sir. I am so incredibly thankful." Kai said, genuine gratitude emanating from him. The man looked away, "I just happened to be around."
"I'm Kai. What's your name?" Kai asked. "I want to properly thank the man that saved my girl." The man looked at me then Kai, "You don't need to know my name. It's best if you just forget about me." Kai looked confused. There was an ominous feeling surrounding his words, and I wonder if Kai also noticed it.
I could still not shake the feeling that I have met this man before. Who is he?
The man looked into my eyes. "Are you sure that you are alright?" For a second I wondered what he was referring to. The way he looked at me made me feel like there was more to his question than I realized.
"Yes, thank you. Are you okay?" I ask. The impact he took when breaking my fall to the ground must have hurt him. He didn't look hurt though. He didn't even look like he did any physical exercise.
His eyes scanned my face. "You… really can't."
"I can't what?" I asked, confused. What did he mean?
He shook his head. "Nothing. I'm fine. I need to go." He nodded at Kai one final time and walked off.
"Okay… That was weird." Kai said, scratching his head.
"Yeah," I said. "It was."