"Only that third name on the list, and I never really knew her. I think she left the Academy before I did." Jevita supplies after examining the page.
We sat atop the lush garden roof of the previous night's celebration. After Emarial left we'd decided it was best to go to Jevita before having to discuss things. We'd handed over the page to look at while telling her of the afternoon's events.
"Writing on the back looks to be more Amwellian." She flips the page and gives it an annoyed look.
I nod. "It's a partial map. I don't recognize the area or landmarks."
"Mind If I copy the names and locations down? Just so we have them in two spots. And I can reference some old notes to try and see if any of the researchers are mentioned."
I'm about to agree, but Kque frowns in a loud way and gives Jevita a pointed look.
Jevita sighs, "Will you look over my shoulder while I do this, Kque?"
A pause, Kque nods. "Of course. Thank you for asking."
Jevita shrugs and carefully puts the note in her tunic's pocket. "Anything else?"
They'd not pushed me on Emarial's meeting with me the night before. My anger and my outburst had surprised them. I could see the worry written plain on the little glances Tasii and Kque snuck at me during our walk over, and in the firm grip Yrelia keeps my hand in even now.
I… I just wanted to go to our room and curl back up with her. To forget all this happened. Seeing Zigdara was going to give me nightmares, I fucking know it. But Emarial… I have no idea how to feel about what she said. About our Patron, about the spirit who saw my very soul and accepted me, changed me… and sometimes, I think, Gave me weird dreams. Sometimes… nightmares? It's so fucking hard to remember!!!
I know they're all waiting on me. Even a night ago that would have set me into a nervous cascade. Maybe it's because I might be a little emotionally drained at the moment, but I can accept that they accept me. That they aren't judging or slowly growing to hate me, that they'd rather me take my time and speak up whenever I'm ready rather than push me and hurt me.
Deep breath.
Yrelia squeezes my hand, my heart flutters in thanks.
"I… apparently consume something… whenever we…" I look at Yrelia, feel a blush at her knowing smirk.
Then I drop my head into my free hand. "Fuck. I'm sorry. I… I didn't think it was… Didn't know… I thought it was just body things! That it was just how our bodies process–."
Yrelia pulls me into a hug and chuckles through kissing the top of my head. "It's okay. It's okay."
Tasii speaks up. "I'm sorry… I'm following some of this, but just to clarify. Emarial did use the word feed, when describing… whatever it is that she does?"
Yrelia… fuck she's perfect and amazing, answers for me. "Yeah. My moms' met someone like Ina before I was born. She was a performing Hetaera. They were close for a few weeks. Told them a few Sun Spoken things."
I look up to her, "Why didn't you talk to me about it? If you knew?"
She takes my chin, right there in front of everyone, and makes me meet her eyes through a growing blush, "You were dealing with a ton, and I didn't think it was bothering you that much. I'm sorry I didn't notice that."
"Was… Did it…" I bite my lip, scared now. "I don't want to hurt you. Did I? Does it?"
She laughs and releases my chin, hugs me tight again. "Oh Ina. You didn't. It's not like that. It felt amazing!"
I snuggle closer into her embrace. "Okay."
Jevita coughs. "Yeah… um… I think I'm following some of this."
"I'm fucking not." Tasii huffs in annoyance.
"Okay so…" Jevita offers, "Correct me if any of this is wrong?"
I peek through Yrelia's arms and nod at Jevita.
"Okay so Sun Spoken are tied to… something. This Weaver spirit."
"Goddess." Yrelia corrects.
Jevita raises an eyebrow, but continues. "Goddess then. She lets Sun Spoken use some kind of magical energy to kill nightmare creatures… from the Weaver's Wood?"
"Yup. Good so far." Yrelia releases me, but then pulls me bodily into her lap and wraps her arms around me from behind. "Apparently they can do all sorts of neat things if they can figure it out though. "
"Not Alchemy or Cultivation. It's not…" Jevita scrunches up her nose. "It's chaotic from what I was told back at the Academy. Based on feeling and need. And to replenish it she needs to take that energy from other people?"
"Only women, apparently." Yrelia muses, "Didn't know that until Emarial mentioned it."
Jevita raises an eyebrow, but doesn't ask.
I nod. "It's… like a little thing. Inside or… maybe around my heart?"
"A reservoir of energy?"
I take a second to consider it.. "More alive than that. Fire really is the best word. Emarial's was… really big. Like… extended beyond her body. Mine is so small in comparison."
"You can sense it in others too?"
"Um… Only Emarial's. And–" I look back over my shoulder to Yrelia. She beams down at me. "Yours. Sometimes."
"What about right now?"
I shake my head. "No."
"Hm…" She hums. "Why do you think that is?"
"I… Think It was because I was so empty. I used whatever I'd had on that monster. She was… She was trying to tell me to get more. And you were right there so much."
"That's what I'm worried about." Kque speaks up. "Emarial seemed really worried about you not telling us about it. About what could happen if you fed too much."
Yrelia looks past me, "The woman my moms met warned them of that. Was why she traveled as a Hetaera. Could have lots of partners."
"But… Ina's not a Hetaera." Kque adds softly. "What happens when it's just one person?"
Yrelia shrugs, "We all have a limited amount to give, need time to regenerate it."
"How much time?" Kque pushes, "How much will Ina need? How often?"
"No idea." Yrelia admits. "Can't be much. She only used her magic outside Deledita, doubt she plans to ever do that again."
Magic. I did magic.
I nod. "Fuck that. I never want to see one of those things again."
"Which…" Tasii speaks up. "She also mentioned dreams? About getting too much could cause them to get more vivid?"
"Yeah. I know I'm having them, but I forget so much when I wake up. I thought… I wasn't sure if it was really Her, or if I was just fitting Her into them to try and thank Her."
"What do you remember? What's She like?" Yrelia asks from behind me.
"Um… Really scary. I think She was going to kill me back at the temple. Before She… before She got into my thoughts and memories. Saw my past and… who I really was. Then She decided to change me. Now She's…"
I pause. Trying to focus. Trying to remember the dreams.
"Emarial really didn't seem to like her." Kque says to Jevita. "Like… apparently she's not going back to sleep until she's on a boat to avoid meeting Her in a dream."
Jevita's eyes widen in worry. "Do you think that has something to do with Her and Emarial being on bad terms or that She's just really… um… bad in general?"
I finally manage to dredge a half-remembered dream up from my memories, a new truth written on my soul and seared solid by Her gaze and will.
I did not make you useless. I did not make you stupid.
"Both." I shudder as I begin to realize that She can change more than my body. Need to.. Like… never let her do that again.
Yrelia hugs me tighter from behind. "We'll help find one of these other Sun Spoken. Have them teach you how to balance all this. Get more information!"
I hold her arms tight into my chest. "Thank you."
They start going over the list Emarial gave us again, talking about different paths and routes we might take. I want to help, but my bookish knowledge doesn't help here. So Yrelia has me rest with my head in her lap and I fall into sweet darkness at her steady caresses.
It's not a long nap. No dreams… I think… before I wake to a whispered retort.
"For you and her." Kque whispers. "I don't think it's a good idea."
A pause, then Jevita replies. "If we can't find anyone else along the paths then they'll be our best option. Even if they don't have one currently enrolled, they'll have records, accountings, maybe even journals describing their experiences."
I open my eyes to see them gathered around a slew of maps and scrolls on one of the little clay tables.
"We can pass through these major towns, ask around, and if worse comes to worse then we'll end our journey in Arudia."
Kque again. "I feel like you're not hearing me, Jevita."
That makes Jevita visibly wince. "I… I hear you. I understand the risks. For her. And for me."
Tasii silently rises, heads over to another clay table that holds a pot of… something. And begins fixing herself a drink in a mug.
"Then be open with me." Kque pleads. "What will they want to access something like that? What could it cost?"
"Hopefully nothing. I have some bridges I left unburnt. People I can ask to help."
"And if one of the Doyens finds out you're back?" Yrelia whispers, obviously trying not to wake me. "Or finds out that Ina is Sun Spoken? Or… more about her past?"
Both Kque and Jevita look at her, see I'm awake, pause.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to pass out there." I whisper through a mildly dry throat as I begin to rise. "What's a Doyan?"
Tasii returns to sit with her mug. "One of the head researchers at the Academy of Erudition."
I suspect a giddy anticipation at this line of thought would have overwhelmed me. At the Idea of learning magic from a far off land. But their somber tone tempters that.
Jevita passes a hand over the table. "I really appreciate the worry, Kque. But I'm seriously not sure how valuable any info on this will be. It wasn't just out of my area of study. It had almost no external application to non-Sun Spoken. No way to replicate it. And from what this Emarial says it sounds really unstable, dangerous, and risky to fuck with."
"That's all just speculation, right?" Kque adds.
Jevita shrugs, "It's all we have."
"The academy studies magic right?" I ask. "Wouldn't that be a good place to learn how to suppress or control this anyway?"
Kque side eyes me, a… worry? A little pleading? She doesn't like this idea at all.
"Magic." Jevita laughs without a hint of joy, Then spits words like she's rehearsed them. "What you did was magic, Ina. What they do is… It's meticulous exploitation, control, and profit off resources they have spent at least half a millennia learning how to harvest and twist."
"Uh… What?"
Kque actually lets out a sigh at that, but the worry doesn't shift. "The Art of Cultivation, they call it. They harvest gemstones from an eternally frozen lake that they then refine before selling it."
"Like… you mentioned transgender men being normal out in Arudia. That they were able to change like me. Is that how they did it?"
Is that how I could have done it if She'd not changed me? Is this why Sangoma and Lyttoral kept Arudian knowledge from us?
Jevita's harshness softens at that. Like she can read my thoughts. "It's often less… extensive. The economy of Arudia is largely based on smaller applications. But yes, bodily changes are common. The closer we get to Arudia the more changed you'll see the population being."
"Changed… Like?"
"Eye, hair, even skin color are the most common. But the more wealthy women will sometimes go a bit… heavy, into the changes. Be ready to see some pretty interesting things when we head into the main cities."
"If." Kque pushes. "This still isn't something we should plan on doing. I don't think it should even be an option."
Jevita sighs and prepares to reply to Kque, Tasii speaks up first.
"Regardless, the best paths have at least five of the listed women on it. I don't think we have a high chance of not meeting any of them, or finding news of where they went. Leads will always be better than the Academy, right Jevita?"
Jevita nods, relief at the compromise. "Absolutely. I'd always choose that over going back."
Kque looks between them, to me, then hangs her head. "Okay. I wish we'd not even discussed it. But… sure. Okay. We have our routes. When do we leave?"