I knew it was gonna hurt but I can only blame myself because I ignored the truth. drank off that love, it fucked my head up. there is no forgetting you. You have awoken me but you were choking me. I was so obsessed. I gave you all of me until I got nothing left. I loved you dangerously, more than the air that I breathe, I knew we would crash at the speed that we were going but I didn't care if the explosion ruined me.
Such a great start right? Oh god, what people say that love is blind is so true. I laugh and cry at my stupidity all the time.
Aunty was recovering but I think God wanted his angel back. It was April 2019; I was finished with the first year of my college. I shifted back, home due to some college issues. But at least I could spend more time with her. I got a phone call around 5 pm, telling me she passed away I rushed to the hospital to find Rohan and uncle, both blank-faced, not believing what had just happened.
But I want to remember her and let her know
'I know that you're dead and you're gone for good
It's hard to accept, but now I've understood
Nothing lasts forever, even if it's good or it's bad
Now you're up in heaven; it makes me feel glad'
I will always love you 'Maa'. I was broken too but I knew that Uncle and Rohan needed support and if I break they will too. I was there taking care of everything until both of them started to recover. Uncle started to go back to work but Rohan started to drink heavily I desperately tried to reason with him but his sweet nothings were enough to shut me up. I become like a glass doll for him to show off and then break when he had enough.
It was July 14th 2019 we were invited to a party I agreed to go so Rohan can forget about everything and will start to feel better in the company of his friends I don't have a problem as I like meeting new people so I knew I will get along
I must have not realised that I caught some people's eyes but Rohan definitely saw it. He took my arm and harshly pull me upstairs to one of the rooms. Argument after argument was there. He screamed more, louder, harder, more intense. the look in his eyes, I will never forget. What he did next shocked me I could only feel the sting on my cheek, it was just a slap but it was enough. I had a handprint for the better part of the week. I was too scared and stunted to move. He left the room for some fresh air and I stumbled back on the bed trying to think about what had just happened.
After an hour he came back crying and stumbled on his knees begging for forgiveness saying "I don't know what happened I would never hurt you" I believed him thinking it was a one-time thing I should have never forgiven him because what happened next, scarred me for life. he promised to quit drinking that never stopped he used to come home drunk and abuse me in some way. Uncle drowned himself in his work, so he never knew what was happening and I never spoke about it, maybe I was scared or too dumb to understand it was wrong.
It got worse. Entirely worse, it did happen again. A lot
It started with verbal and emotional abuse. But slowly he started to use his hands, at one point I was covered with bruises from head to toe. I wished it would stop there but it got worst. Next, he used cigarettes to burn me I don't have many scars left but I still have one burn mark on my left arm. I hid all my scars being ashamed. Not being able to leave him but also not wanting to stay I started to blame myself thinking I deserve it I became accepting and won't fight back. He became more violent day by day, one day he shoved me into the coffee table, and my back was bruised for a month after the injury. During this time I develop an eating disorder because of which I was diagnosed with PCOD. I started to hate myself more and more. Soon the abuse escalated and he bought a blade and told me we are playing a game, By the end of it I had cuts all over my body where he was without any scars, although faded I still have the marks.
It was September 29, 2019; as usual, I went to his place. He was nowhere to be found, so I waited for him. He came back by 8 in the evening. He was drunk as usual, After so much, I became numb to his abuse, so he pushed harder to break me. He succeeded on this day. As usual, he started to accuse me of random things, I Thought he will hit but He just grabbed my arm and pulled me to his bedroom. Why did I wear a dress that day? I had sex before, but this was rape. He held against my will and did what he wanted; After he was done, I attempted to run but was stopped by him. He put his hand on my throat and said "If you tell anybody, I will kill you". As he left my neck, I knew it was going to be marked. I waited for him to fall asleep then, I made myself up and went home. If any day, I desperately wanted to kill myself it was that day. · As soon as I reached home, I saw my parents. with warm smiles asking about my day, At that moment, I decided this is it. I was not raised to be a coward or weak, I was raised to be strong and independent. But It was easier I said than done. I told them that I will go shower and be back to eat dinner. I needed that because I felt so dirty. I was so shocked at what had happened, that I couldn't even cry. When the water hit my skin, it stung where I was bruised on my wrists, near my thighs, and on my back. Also after standing for only 5 seconds underwater, my body gave up, it felt that my soul will leave my body as it was defiled. I was disgusted to the point where I wanted to peel my skin As I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I thought, I should have I never opened my heart again, it wasn't worth it; why did I let him get all under my skin? On the surface, he was perfect but he didn't come to stay. And day by day I slowly watched him fade away, and now all I have left are the marks on my neck after I let him go. It is hard to forget when he messed up my head because I let him get too close. I tried to cover it with foundation but it didn't help. I tried to get over him but he dug in and I felt it.