Why did no one ever teach me that I cannot turn people into homes?
People are rivers, ever changing, ever flowing They will disappear with everything you put inside them. Still, your home does have a heartbeat. But it isn't one locked in anyone else's chest. It is your own.
When will I stop being afraid of everything I can be? I have never seen the sky or earth wear their flaws like they are apologies. Instead, they defiantly present them as their truth, take it off or leave it, it is up to them. when will I realise that I grow forests from the scorched earth of my soul? I remind myself that the moon even with her scars is still the fairest of them all. It's the light she gives to the world that matters in the end, the calm of her heart. When will I understand that those broken parts of me, have learned to sing more elegant songs than the loveliest of songbirds? Everything around me asks me to set myself free and become everything I didn't think I could be.
After a few days around the people I loved and who loved me, I realised if I was wrong and undeserving, why weren't they leaving me too? So why me
If you have to ask Why me?
When you're feeling really blue,
When the world has turned against you
And you don't know what to do,
When it pours colossal raindrops
And the road's a winding mess,
And you're feeling more confused
Than you ever could express,
When the saddened sun won't shine,
When the stars will not align,
When you'd rather be
Inside your bed,
The covers pulled
Above your head,
When life is something
That you dread
And you have to ask Why me?...
Then when the world seems right and true,
When rain has left a gentle dew,
When you feel happy being you,
Please ask yourself Why me? then, too.
It took me a long time to realize that not everything in life is meant to be a beautiful story. Not every person we feel something deep and moving with is meant to make a home within us or is meant to be forever. Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us how to love, and sometimes people come to teach us how not to love How not to settle, how not to shrink ourselves ever again, yes, sometimes people leave but that's okay because their lessons always stay and that is what matters. That is what Remains.
Life is meant to be lived.
You have to chase the things that ignite you. You have to do the things that bring you joy. You have to surround yourself with the people who bring you back home to yourself, with the people who respect you and embrace you in ways that make you feel like you are worthy and accepted and loved. You have to do the work to heal yourself, even when it hurts especially when it hurts, so that you do not continue to approach your life within the boundary of what is heavy within you. You have to put yourself out there, and you cannot worry about what other people think, you cannot rob yourself of experience or happiness or inspiration because you are scared of how you will be perceived. You have to be unapologetic in the way that you exist here. You have to believe that your ideas, hope, and being deserve to take up space. You have to believe that you have a purpose.
Because our existence is finite. And as hard as that is to understand, as hard as that can be to connect with, from time to time remind yourself that in the most human way that we are all living on borrowed time.
I can hardly remember the times I spent as all I could think about was the past. not only that, nobody around me knew about what had happened. The memories, all seem to be shrouded by a veil of woe. Even though, my family around me didn't know what happened, they felt something was wrong. They didn't ask me about it but tried to make me feel better and happy. Seeing them make such an effort was enough for me to at least try to heal from everything. I didn't know how I was going to heal But chose the worst way possible. I refused to tell anybody around me, including my friends, family, etc. I closed those memories up inside my head and buried them somewhere they will never resurface, at least that is what I thought. I didn't find closure but suppressed my feelings until they were lost. I know it was not the best way but I thought it was the only way. Slowly the veil started to lift and I could see clearly.
But the question that haunted me was" For how long could see clearly? will I live it through? Am I that strong?"