A long while passed, and I had no access to social media, but only dreams. However, he never once appeared in one.
I waited for him, for a month, and days passed by as I counted them, always looking up at the sky, absorbing the essence of changing weather, deep in my heart, to rejuvenate my patience.
As time passed, I became hopeless, and in my heart, I knew, his work was done, he is never going to come. His father did, a lot many times. I dared not ask about his whereabouts.
It was only when his father would mention his son in the conversation, I would hear something about him and imagine others. It wasn't hard to guess since we both were just students.
"I am always out on a business trip, so it's my son who looks after the shop, he often drives me around in his car, I am really proud of him," he could not stop smiling, as a tint of arrogance filled his eyes when he mentioned it to my father.
A year passed, and I began surfing the internet and found the life-saving and ruining tool called- Instagram!
I followed his sister and found him in her following. I sent a request and it was accepted. I seemed to have unlocked another great treasure. My heart was on cloud nine to see his ID
Once again, I had nothing to talk about, those promises embarrassed me so much that I never mentioned them.
I was the love master in my class and had a few tricks up in my sleeves, all I needed was some patience and patience.
It may be cliché and can be considered frivolous, but why care so much when it can work well with near to no failure?
I would greet him and ask how he was, and then we would have a small talk about her sister and then nothing else.
It was getting me nowhere. So, I started replying to his story and it unlocked a new topic for us.
Unbeknownst, he was obsessed with cars, and I decided to talk on a topic he was willing to. He would endlessly send texts telling me about cars and pieces of stuff.
I stretched it long and only I know how I did it.
"I want to learn driving"
"What car do you think would be easy for me?"
"How should I learn it?"
"Can I do it?"
These were the questions I asked him to keep him interested in our conversation, now that I think of it, so embarrassing.
He ain't a crush if there is no embarrassment, that's what I kept telling myself.
On another such day, he posted a picture of his scooter with a caption- 'my crush'
As astonished as I could ever be, curiosity irked me beneath my skin, I could not help but text him. Being cautious, I first started with greetings and talked about random things.
It was killing me! But I could only bear the pain, I was anxious but had to be patient, not to spoil my good reputation.
Yes, my reputation matters to me more than my life, I would rather die than have a stain on it. It may be ridiculous but I accept it.
[It may be something personal]
[I wonder if you would mind me asking a question]
[Related to your personal life] --Me
I sent those texts after half an hour of random talks, getting down on the business after beating around the bush.
[Sure]- Zaid
[Do you have a crush on someone?]-Me
As I typed the letter into words and words into a sentence, my heart started sinking into a deep boundless sea, my hands went numb as the phone fell directly on my nose.
"Ouchhhhhhhhhhhh..." I yelled tears appearing in the horizon of my eyes. Thankfully nobody was home, otherwise, my mother would have spanked me hard and I am sure she would have got her phone back.
After a few minutes of typing, I got his message.
[No, I don't]
I stared at the screen, reflecting in my pupils were those words that took minutes, I wondered what on earth was he writing for so long and it turned out to be barely three words.
Did he delete something that was sent? or did he clear it all before sending me, what was it that took him long?
So many questions but it was impossible to know, I kept staring at the text which gave me a sigh of relief. However, I immediately came to my senses, when the thought that he might be suspicious of me, asking such a question all of a sudden.
I had to divert his mind in another direction. I swiftly texted him again.
[Do tell me if you ever have one! I can help you out]-Me
[Oh, no I don't have one now]-Zaid
[Tell me when you have one]-Me.
[I am good at keeping secrets, I won't tell anyone]-Me
I shamelessly pestered him, and he sent me laughing emojis.
[Okay! I will] - Zaid.
Since that day, I became more friendly with him and we talked at dawn after prayer, my life was comparatively going well.
I was full of emotions but I could sense a hint of coldness and boredom from his side. Though his expression was invisible to me, I always had the feeling that he was disgusted by me, or maybe bored.
However, his text never consisted of any word or letter that would show it, I just knew, I simply knew. I knew I wasn't on his priority list. But my eyes were clouded and my brain was frozen. Back then, my heart ruled over my life.
I never know if it's with all the boys, none of my male friends ever texted me first, unless they had a task for me. It made me so furious at one point in time that I stopped texting anyone.
A month passed, and another month passed, and just like those three months passed. I got no text from anyone.
I did not have many followers, the ones I had were all my friends, and none of them noticed that I, the girl who is always active is not online, she has been dormant for months.
Nobody ever asked me if I was okay, why wasn't I posting or texting them? That's when I realized even if I die, no one would be affected, nobody would know that I am gone.
Except for my dear family, no matter how they love me or hate me, I have a place in their heart, they are highly dependent on me. Especially, my mother.
My mother would be lonely and broken if I no longer existed. Even the thought of it makes me want to live long and wish to have my mother live longer. Because it goes the same for me, she is my shield, my lifeline.
However, it was depressing to know that those smiling faces of my friends who sought my help and help me as well, had no idea what was going on with me.
It doesn't look like it, but having no one to talk to for three months was nothing trifle. I was imprisoned by lockdown, I was imprisoned by my thoughts, and no one cared if I lived or not.
I would have had suicidal thoughts but it was my mother solely carrying me forward, she did not know that how valuable she is for me, just like oxygen and food.
It was then I discovered KPOP, I had always been into Chinese drama, and I watched a few Korean dramas as well, but I was obsessed with Chinese drama.
The costume Genre had always been my favorite. I was slowly stepping towards Eastern culture, as Western culture was not my thing. I was slowly going deep.
It was my younger sister who introduced me to BTS and from there I became an army. It gave me power, it gave me strength, and I felt like I belonged to something.
Their song healed me and I was never ashamed in calling them out as my angels, I never backed from telling people that I was an army who belonged to the Bangtan world.
I celebrated their existence, their music, their words, their songs, their voice, their power, and the impact they had on me. The more and more I discovered them, the more purple I felt.
'Love Yourself'
It became a dream of mine, I never loved myself, I always hated my obese self, I always hated how depressed I always am. I hated myself for not being good enough.
I still hate myself for crushing my parents' hopes and expectations, surprisingly, the pain of regret and realization hasn't haunted me yet. Maybe, because I have plans.
Some plans would compensate for my parents' emotional damage caused by me, because of sickness, I kept getting bad at academics let alone sports. I dreaded P.E. class, a time when I got nothing but humiliation and insults.
But I realized one thing as I grew up, I had to become shameless in order to survive, I was just too insensitive, I would get sick if my teacher scolded me for no reason.
Scolding....to avoid this heartbreaking thing, I tried to be a good student, I tried to be a good daughter, a good person. Not only because I wanted a good reputation but to avoid scolding, which would shatter my soul in no time.
People did not know that I was weak, they always thought of me as powerful as an elephant, not knowing that an elephant is an emotional animal.