I experienced a lot of suffering that wasn't related to him, it was hard for me to get through, and with my mother's help, I did.
For over six months, I never sent him a single message, and neither did he. I wasn't heartbroken or anything, because I was mad at him. I know he didn't care if I was.
My feelings had always been unrequited, one-sided.
I liked him secretly; I was mad at him secretly because nobody knew anything about it.
One day, a boy whom I did not follow messaged me and asked me who I was and where I lived. However, before I could answer, I checked his profile and found he was followed by Zaid.
Before I could reply to him, I texted Zaid first.
~Screenshot of the chat~
[Do you know him?]-me
[Yes, why did he message you?]-Zaid
[How would I know?]-me
[Don't answer him! Let me ask him..]-Zaid
What has gotten into him? I looked up, they seem to be like friends or something, they commented on each other posts and liked them as well. They did not seem to be on bad terms.
[Okay!]
Half an hour later, he texted me back, while I was stalking his ID, scrolling through the list of a thousand followers, he wasn't an influencer or a celebrity, why would he have so many followers?
He also followed more than three hundred people. I became too tired and thought it would be better to see the people he follows.
I checked the IDs of all the girls he followed, I was just curious. Nothing else!
[It's nothing! He mistook you for his cousin, don't mind him!] -Zaid
[Then, should I reply to him? or not?] -Me
[No need]- Zaid.
[It would be rude of me to not explain to him that I am not his cousin]-me
[It would be rude of you to do that]-Zaid.
[You are so innocent]- Zaid.
[Report and Block! Never accept any direct message from anyone like him!] -Zaid.
Perhaps I mistook the meaning of those words, as something inside me bloomed, like a flower, my body was glittering all day.
[OK!] I replied.
[Did you have your lunch?] -me
[No, I gotta go! Bye!] - Zaid.
It was the last message until his birthday on April 16. I learned it from her sister a long while ago and decided to wish him like I always do.
I shared his picture and wrote a good paragraph for him. With a song in the background, however, I forgot to tag him.
I thought it was his birthday, he would surely not let it go unnoticed. That I completed all my chores and sat again, clicking on the Instagram application.
Strolling through funny content, I received a text from his sister.
[Have you blocked my brother?]-his sister.
[No?]- Me
I was stunned to read what she had sent me, her tone didn't sound amicable but it had a tint of worry and anger.
I was flustered and tried to explain, but first I had to check.
It turned out that I had hidden him from my close friend's list, no wonder he could not see it.
[Does he know I uploaded the story for him?]-Me
[Yes, he saw it from my ID]-His sister.
[Okay, no problem, I guess there is a glitch from my side, I will look into it later]-Me
I knew it wasn't a glitch, because I had removed him from that list, because of his behavior that day. I wasn't mad at him anymore, and probably I forgot to add him back.
In a sentence, my efforts were wasted. not entirely but it did.
[No, send me the screenshot of your viewer list, let me see what glitch is there]-His sister.
I was taken aback, why was she being so stubborn and mad at me, for something that doesn't matter anymore, he had already seen it, even though not from his ID.
I had no choice but to add him back, and he saw it again from his ID.
[Thank You!] -Zaid
That was his only next day, I was shaking, and just to show what an iceberg he is, I had to add him back because of his sister, which is so insulting.
He could have at least asked me how I was doing, or anything. But he didn't.
It left me fuming.
However, it was at that time I realized I was getting more mature than before, as what he thought of me no longer impacted me. His coldness that I could never feel because my feelings guarded against it, I finally noticed it.
He wasn't even like a friend but more like a person, I met twice or more, like a stranger. Like an acquaintance.
We never talked since that day, he seemed to have become less active and I avoided social media as well. I would reply to his story that he occasionally uploaded.
No response!
I gave up, that was the only thing I could do when I heard something mind-bombing. It came from a reliable source. I had no reason not to believe it. I calculated there was a 99% chance it was true.
His father who happened to run into my aunt and ended up offering her a lift, complained to her about me. That aunt and I weren't close, but when she heard him speaking ill of me, she was offended too.
"She is so arrogant, she doesn't talk to anyone, she is so stubborn and ferocious, I don't where her attitude will take her, always showing off her prestigious school and high society, she looks down on everyone," these were the words he told my aunt.
I might be advocating for myself and might be partial, but I know what kind of person I am, whatever he said about me, it must be a misunderstanding. He might have misinterpreted my words or action.
I had no idea what made me badmouth like that, but I was disheartened when my mother narrated the entire thing.
Since his father thinks so lowly of me, he must have the same thoughts, because it's the parents who guide our opinion. Even if it wasn't the case for him, his action expressed his heart.
He never texted me first, he always seemed busy, ignoring my replies even when he was active. Giving me the cold shoulder. It was the same for his sister, it's just that I never noticed it.
I always thought she must be busy with college, but I was wrong, both of them were ignoring me. I wondered sometimes if he had complained to his father that I pestered him, disgusted him with my texts, or bothered him in any way.
After all, it had been three years since he visited my house. The first promise no longer existed, not because it was fulfilled but because it shattered into tiny granules, powered so fine like white sugar. And I added it to my coffee and drank the pain away.
It was again on 16th April, I was clenching my phone tightly, as I saw him sharing the people's story of wishing him. It seemed he had a lot of people. He looked quite happy in those photos.
I should have wished him a happy birthday at the very least, but I never did. I was wavering from the agony that came from him and wanted to talk to him again. But those words stopped him from doing so.
My father had taught me that there was a fine line between self-respect and ego, but I never understood the concept. That led me to crush my self-respect, only to think that it was my ego.
I texted him again and again. Every day became thrice a week and then once a month, and it became once a year to nothing.
I hated myself for humiliating my dignity and crushing my self-respect for a person like him. All those coldness of his eyes that never looked at me was finally coming to my brain.
I forgot myself because of my crush, I knew we were never a good match, but the feeling of liking someone was like an addictive perfume, I kept clouding my eyes with its spray. Hypnotizing myself just because it was new for me.
Or, maybe I never experienced it before, they say teenage years experience everything for the first time, it is full of joy and pain.
Suffering and satisfaction, nobody knows whether whatever is happening to them is suffering or it is satisfaction.
Love is listed in positive feelings, but it brings more bitterness than hatred.
Experiencing love is surely suffering.
I still can't regret it, maybe because I haven't lost anything in the game, maybe I am safe from the emotional damage. Because it never hurts me.
I never experienced jealousy, as it simply never existed in me, whatever the case may be, I despise this feeling of jealousy.
One may judge me and say that means I never had a true crush on him, obviously only I know, because it wasn't a dream.