Expectantly, the bartender returns, and I pretty much quote Everest. The bartender nods and disappears.
Everest reappears some moments later. "I ordered more drinks," I say.
Everest slaps a hand over his chest, pretending to be impressed. "I'm so proud of you," he teases.
He sits back down and our fourth round of drinks arrives. Everest doesn't seem like he's even close to drunk, which is pretty amazing considering how much smaller he is than me.
"Do you think you're gonna keep living in Minneapolis after you graduate?" he asks after he's gotten himself situated.
"Probably. I want to."
"Sorry," he swirls his drink a little bit. "I'm not trying to like, lay into you. I just feel like we haven't had a lot of time to talk about this kind of stuff lately."
He's right about that. We haven't. Ever since he and Gwen got together all his time has been sucked up trying to appease her. I've barely spent time with him alone since him moving here.
"It's fine," I reassure him. "But yeah, I want to stay here."
"No grad school?"
"Not anytime soon."
"Okay I'm happy about that," he smiles. "I mean, I want you to do whatever you want to do school-wise and all, but it'd be a bummer not to live with you anymore."
I'm glad that he thinks that. I'm relieved to know he likes sharing that place and that I'm not a total waste of a roommate.
I smile at him and say, "Well, don't worry, I'm sticking around."
He nods. "Right on."
I kind of hope Gwen ends up moving out, but I don't know if she will. She might want to stick around just to piss Everest off. She seems like that kind of person. It wouldn't shock me. Realistically, we do need a third roommate, but I don't want it to be Gwen. I can't stand her. Each day I like her less and less and now she's at an all-time low.
"Are you sure you don't want me to ask Gwen to move out?" I press.
Everest lifts an eyebrow playfully. "Why, you tryna get rid of her?"
"Maybe a little bit," I shrug, not bothering to hide it.
"Well, it's fine," he promises. "She'll probably just avoid me and then move out on her own."
"Or she'll make us both miserable," I frown.
Everest laughs and sticks his nose back in his drink.
"Yeah…"
I really hope she won't, but I won't believe it until I see it.
"Anyway, if you change your mind just say the word."
He nods. "Thanks, man."
"Want to stay here for the night or go to another bar?"
"I'm good here," he says. "I just want to chill out. I'm not really in the mood for bar-hopping."
I'm glad to hear that because I'm never in the mood for bar-hopping. I live for lazy hangouts, especially when Everest is involved. I like when it's just the two of us.
Everest takes the rest of his drink and finishes it off. After he reaches the bottom of the glass, he shudders and places it at the edge of the bar.
"That one was strong."
I stare down at my own cocktail. I hadn't really noticed.
"How're you feeling?" I decide to ask.
"I'm getting there. Maybe after one or two more."
"No," I shake my head. "I mean about everything."
"Oh," Everest pauses. "Fine, I guess. Whatever."
"Fine, you guess?"
He gives me a dejected look and impatiently taps his fingers against the counter.
"Is Gwen right?" he finally asks.
I scrunch up my nose. "Right about...?"
Everest leans forward and rests his chin in the crook of his arm. "About me being like, boring… or, I don't know, lame?" he says in a muffled voice.
"Gwen is lame," I snap, almost slurring my sentence because I'm so drunk right now. "Gwen is the lamest person I've ever met."
Everest laughs. "Well, I don't know about that. We knew some pretty lame people in high school."
"Gwen is worse," I insist.
I think she really is.
"She's the worst person I've ever met," I add.
"Damn," he cackles. "You must really hate her."
I do hate her. I don't think I've ever hated someone before, but what I feel for Gwen is pretty angry and intense.
Everest sighs and then says, "She called me boring a lot."
I scoff. "She only said that 'cause you didn't like the same things as her. She liked looking cool and being fake and social climbing. You aren't into those things. To her, that was boring."
He starts laughing, though I don't get what's funny. "I guess. Still, though."
"You're not boring," I reiterate. "You're not lame."
Everest purses his lips and puts his chin in his hands, staring wistfully at the bartender.
"Okay," he concedes. "Guess I'll take your word for it."
"Good."
"Man, I wanna be drunker," he whines. "I wanna be on your level. Do you care if I order some shots?"
"Uh, I guess not," I make a face. "You're not gonna make me have one though, are you?"
Everest chuckles. "No," he reassures me. "You don't have to do another shot as long as you live if you don't want to."
"Phew," I say, relieved.
The bartender finally notices Everest eyeing him like a hawk and wanders over. He ends up ordering me yet another cocktail. I have to cut myself off soon.
When our next round of drinks arrives, Everest downs a shot. Wow. I hope he doesn't overdo it. He's usually good at staying in control, but he's upset. I wouldn't blame him for slipping up, but it would still suck.
"Careful," I say because I feel like I have to.
He smiles. "Shouldn't I be the one saying that to you?"
I smile back. "I think I'm doing all right."
"And I'm not?"
"I don't know," I say. "What do you think?"
He stops for a second and then shrugs. "I don't know, either."
"Are you sure you don't want to talk more about it?"
"I'm sure," he mumbles, sounding bitter.
Well, I guess that's that.
I sip on my drink for a minute, wracking my brain for a way to change the subject to something less heavy. Ugh. It's hard to keep my head up. I have to slow down.
"Hey," I finally say. "Remember when we were ten and Mr. Phillips sent us both to the principal's office?"
Everest perks up a little bit. "That's like the first time we hung out."
"I know, you were a little jerk," I raise an eyebrow playfully. "You squirted me with your water bottle and got me in trouble."
"Oh, please!" he exclaims. "Don't act like you didn't squirt me back!"
"I guess that's how we became friends," I say, smiling at the memory.
It feels like so long ago, but it wasn't really. We're still so young.
"Yeah. God, your mom went nuts. She's scary."
I laugh. "Yeah, I think that was the first time she got called into school because I was acting up. Also the last time."
"No shit. If my mom reacted like that I'd be scared straight, too."
I wrinkle my nose. "Yeah, she was always freaking out about things but that was the first time she full-on hollered at me like that."
"I think she sometimes forgot you were a kid," Everest says. "She always expected you to act like a mini adult."
"Yeah," I muse, although I try not to think too hard about it.
That's just the way she was. The way she is, I guess.
"I remember being really excited that we were friends after that," Everest goes on to say. "My parents couldn't even take what had happened seriously enough to get mad at me after I went home because I just wouldn't shut up about how we were gonna hang out."
I feel my chest tighten. "Wow," I say awkwardly. "You never told me that."
Everest nods and gives me a half-smile, then downs his second shot.
"I was really excited to be your friend too," I give my drink a swirl. "I didn't care that my mom was angry. I was embarrassed, but it was worth it because it turned out cool for both of us."
"Yeah, it did. Man, that was so long ago now. Like twelve years."
"It's crazy to think about it like that." I let out a laugh and then add, "Well, glad ya squirted me with your water bottle."
"No problem! Best decision I ever made!" he jokes.
I hope he means that. I hope he likes me as much as I like him. I think my life would be so lame without him. I don't really have other friends. I left most of them behind when I moved and I've been too busy to get to know new people. I guess that's what happens, though.
I don't really know what I mean when I think that though… that I hope he likes me as much as I like him. I like him a lot. I like him so much that it freaks me out. I don't think he'll ever be able to return it.
I like him enough that I...sort of ran away from him? I guess that's what that was. I guess that's why I had to leave.
Ugh. This sucks to think about. I feel so guilty about the fact that I left like that.
Then, of course, when I got here I was lonely. I felt empty. I didn't know what I was doing, how to take care of myself, or even how to make friends because I went to school with the exact same people for years. I just ended up talking to Everest every day anyway. We stayed close. I stayed as confused as ever.
When he asked if he could move in with me, I didn't think before I said yes. The words flew out of my mouth and just like that, I reopened the door to this whole world of hurt feelings.
It hurt when he met Gwen and they hit it off. It hurt even more when they hooked up and started dating. I never knew what to do with the way I felt. I'm relieved that they're broken up, but at the same time, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm putting pressure on myself to say something I could never actually say.
He'd be uncomfortable. If I said these things out loud, stuff between us would never be the same. It's not worth the risk. I can't lose him. He's too important.
"You okay?" Everest asks. "You're kind of spacing out. Are you drunk already?"
"A bit. Soon."
I'm definitely getting there.
"Finish your drink," he encourages me.
That might be a bad idea though. If I'm drunk and Everest is too, I might say something I regret.
This secret is killing me. I feel like it's all I think about now. Every time I see Everest it's the first thing to pop into my mind and even though I should be able to tell him I'm still terrified.
We're best friends, right? He likes Minneapolis and people here are really cool with this sort of thing...so he should be too, but what if I could be projecting?
I should just tell him. Even if I don't tell him the whole truth, I should tell him the part that doesn't involve him.
I should just say it.
I should just say...
I'm gay.
I can barely say it in my head. How on earth am I gonna say it outloud?
I wish I could know how Everest would react. I don't want him to think I'm weird. I don't think he would, but there's this little voice in my head that's making me feel crazy.
"Damn, dude, what's wrong with you tonight?" Everest asks.
"I don't know."
"Well, c'mon, stop zoning out on me."
This is always what happens when I start to worry. It feels worse when I drink because it's the only time I allow myself to admit it.
That I'm… gay.
Everest downs his third shot.
"How many is that for the night?" I ask awkwardly, trying to distract myself from my internal monologue.
"Uhhhh," he scrunches up his face like he's trying to remember.
"Don't remember?"
Everest gives me a critical look like he's trying to figure out what's going on in my head. I stare back and move around in my seat uncomfortably.
"What?" I ask after a minute, looking away and playing with the fabric of my sleeve.
"You thinking about Gwen?" he asks. "Because if you are, don't. It's okay. I don't wanna think about her."
"Oh," I scowl. "Um."
"I just like, can't," he continues. "I just can't."
"You can't what?"
"Think about her with all her bullshit," Everest explains bitterly. "You're such a good friend. I should have known she was bad for me when it started to get obvious you didn't like her."
I shrug. "It's all right. I mean, you were into her. You probably didn't want to believe she was so foul."
"I really didn't," he mutters. "It's just, like, she was so hot. I didn't expect her to be interested in me."
"She was interested in you for all the wrong reasons," I tell him. "Besides, you're attractive too. You'll find someone way better than Gwen."
"Thanks, man. I don't know...I don't really feel like I am."
"Well, you are," I insist.
It doesn't sound like I'm flirting with him, right?
"Thanks," he says, still sounding down.
I can't help but wonder how long it will be until Everest finds a new girlfriend. I don't think it'd be hard since everyone he meets who's not a jerk seems to love him. Even some jerks like him, like Gwen apparently. His coworker from the other week was nice, whatever her name was. He could probably date her.
He's not awkward at all. The opposite of me. I don't talk to men because, well, yeah, and I don't talk to girls because I don't want to. The last girl I talked to on a personal level was Julie, and we ended up dating because I wanted to do what everyone expected of me.
Then I broke her heart.
Great.
Super smooth, Ian.
Everyone in Little Falls probably thinks I'm a huge jerk and a player.
If I found myself in a situation where a girl wanted to date me again I'm not sure I'd be able to say no. I'd probably back myself into a corner. I'd probably trick myself into playing the role everyone wants me to again. It's not like I'll ever find myself with any other options anyway. I'll never be able to date a guy. I'd have to admit to people that was a thing I was feeling and...I couldn't do that.
That's probably how Everest is feeling right now. Hopeless and like there isn't a right person.
Ugh.
Maybe it's selfish to feel this way after all this concern he's expressing about no one liking him, but sometimes I wish he'd just date... me.
That's not possible, though. He's straight. He never shows any interest in men. He's attracted to girls. He was attracted to Gwen.