I was terrified, even with my hand slightly forward to be picked by the dazzling princess, with whom looks and talks never seemed to ever depart me, even on my travels, and even despite meeting other beings perfect and capable, however, none surpassed her.
"Sister, you can't keep the Lordship waiting," one of the Princes stated. I had more ideas that they had a hating for me, due to the fact that I would in one way or another cause chaos in the palace, but they all seemed to be in acceptance with everything that was happening.
"It would be a shame to embarrass you," she stated, which made me just slightly raise an eyebrow and make a little smile when she held my hand. I know I stated that I was no more a fan of dances, but who would refuse some dance with the Princess of England? Okay, maybe I would at some point in life, but it was Princess Diana for Christ's sake. It was her, the one who always clouded my dreams, and seemed never to fade away despite how much I tried never to have a thinking of her. She just crept through and found me. She just did, and we entered the fun, the dance.
"You look gorgeous," I stated beneath our slow dance, and I knew she knew. Okay, I hoped she knew I was serious.
"What happened in Iraq...," she started, which made me stop her, "No..., no..., we can't talk. We can't spoil the night by talking about Iraq."
"You liked her," she stated, and I was somehow confused, as I thought she was in the idea of everything she told me there, but she was talking about Princess Hasmine or Shahidi, not sure. I just really never thought about them even after I left. I hope she still keeps my letter though. I have never thought really about them, trust me. I don't know why I am even stating this the second time in my brain. It just seems that the princess might not believe me.
"No..., I never did. Maybe she..., but it was not much of feelings between her and me."
"You played her."
"No, I did not play with her feelings. Could you please stop talking about them," I stated, which was more of a command than even a plea. I hated myself when those words came out of my mouth. It was Princess Diana for Christ's sake, Willock; she's just concerned. I feared she had ideas of them. It was just that which made me really just tell her, and I just murmured a little sorry. I don't know why, but I heard the music stop, and the next type of music was to shift – that which people run around in a circle. I was in no mood for that, but I really wanted to have more time in speech with the Princess. I just felt my heart flutter when I was with her. I just became more nervous, fearing, yes, fear surpassed all.
Fear she would be asked for a dance by another man, fear she would be bored by my stories, fear she would see me changed from the man she thought or rather saw me as. I know I had changed from my stay in Iraq, the travels; it all seemed to somehow alter the way I was used to seeing people and seeing myself in regard to my feelings. And whatever she stated to me that night, in Iraq, in that hotel, made me feel the utmost despair onto myself. I hate it when I state it like that. I just hate it. I led her, still holding her glove-covered hand, into one corner of the room with some tables. I just really wanted her to like me again. I just hoped.
"What do you think of me?" I asked her, looking directly at her eyes. I knew my eyes watered a little. That's what they always did when it came to her. She just had a different effect on me. She just felt right for me.
"Why ask?" she stated. She always questioned my question with another question.
"I wish to have an idea. I am in interest," I stated, as I felt my body shake from the words my mouth altered. I had never directly told the princess I was interested in her. I just went round and round in a circle, hoping that she would take hints and have a liking and maybe be the first to make the move, at least if that would ever happen.
"Interest for what?" she added. The conversation seemed really off, and I was already feeling my chest hurt. It was like she just never wanted to tell, to state the word. She knew all I wanted to know, but I just could not continue the subject. Maybe another time I would really tell the truth, maybe in a letter or something, but today seemed not the day for that, or maybe there might be no day for that.
"Would you like to watch the exhibitions?" I requested, to which she just nodded. Whenever I most times looked at her, I found myself staring – from her eyes, her lips, her ears, hair, face. She just was something different; she was beautiful. I thank God William did not dare ask her for a hand. It would be really another defeat on my side.
The exhibition was right on the path after the main hall, which was always our dining room. We were the two of us in the room, and I knew how long it was to be alone with a woman. People respected the Duke, and problems arose when one was found outside with a spinster; it would end up being a forced betrothal. If it were the princess, why would I mind? Anyway, I had respect for women, and I would never do that to a woman. She would be tarnished and bad-mouthed by her own for not respecting herself and letting a man's squirms and trickiness take over her.
"That's my mother," I stated, referring to the exhibition at the end of the house. It was not to be sold, really; it was always placed in this room.
"She's beautiful," she stated, and I wondered if I would take the opportunity to just tell her my feelings. It seemed every time we would be together, something bad was ought to happen.
"Yeah, she sure is, just like you," I stated. I knew I was already staring hard at her as she observed other exhibitions, ignoring that I had said something to her. Her neck was always my weakness, and I knew if I am to look at her, I would just pain myself. But how would eyes be stopped? And I did; I did look at her, the way she breathed in hard, as if she also felt the tension in the room. I just found myself biting my lower lip a little, until I stopped myself, by just telling myself to stop it.
"You like staring. Never changed," she stated, and I just looked away. I wanted to say sorry, but I just could not. When her brother came in, "Brother, the King wishes to provide a speech," I heard her state to her father, and then we both left for the hall.
"A great evening indeed, my beloved people. I acknowledge the engaged, and I wish them nothing but happiness," He started, which made me wonder what it was he really wanted to say. It's always not something of the King to provide speeches in social class occasions; he just came in and left with his family. As I thought, he started calling out his Princes and Princesses to come near him, together with the queen.
"I have wronged many, in words and actions, that I feel nothing but hate creeping inside me into myself. I would love to call on the Duke's first son, Lord Willock." That made everyone turn to wherever I stood, and being surprised too, I just had to move to the King's area. I hoped this was not the thing I thought it was.
"I shall state here that this boy here, as handsome as he is, takes over a lot of things. He has been one whom I never took responsibility for, and whom I desire to make lots of gold with." As he spoke, I could hear murmurs and talks beneath. "…I would love him to follow me to the palace, come to the palace, son." He stated, smiling at me with the most smiles. I was never good with this kind of attention; it was wrong to decline a King's statement and wish, but it just did not feel right.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, sir," I started when I looked at father, who looked at me with the utmost pity as if I was already gone before I would even speak. "When I was a little boy, I dreamed of nothing but to become a commander of your army. I loved the idea of fighting, but I was always bullied because I had gathered no strength nor skill to fight my fellows. I am grateful you grant me the chance to come and partner with you and make more gold. I am grateful, I really am. But I would love to come and make more gold as a son-in-law, not just a son." And I knew that would amaze many, but I meant what I was saying. I had grown confidence in speaking that I feared none, thanks to Amir.
"Anyway, every Thursday, in the calendar, Father and I always visited the Lake of Tigris, to visit a special being, with whom, none, no one cared about. I am not in the flow of what I am saying, but the truth is I fear declining your request, for you might send goons to kill me, as you did back in the Lake, which led to my flee." That made everyone make voices of surprise, and it seemed the King too was surprised.
"I know, I know my place in this society, and I know the reasons for your quest. But I'd be happy if I would make gold with you, as a son-in-law." I finished.
"As you wish, anything for you," he stated, handing me a little box with something inside, and they all left in unison, the royals, as everyone stated.
"You all thanks for coming," I heard father start, to avoid any talks and unwanted gossips.
After some thirty minutes, the hall was almost empty, but it seemed the Viscount had not yet left; he still was drinking when father stated, "Hello, Lord Hirlvington, you have a word."
"You brainwashed the boy; he does not acknowledge us," he stated, and he seemed truly angry, like he would pounce on father right there and then.
"The boy is old enough to make decisions; he is to be the rightful heir of the Duke's property," Father stated, and I heard the viscount say, "and I shall keep the word. I told you to just protect him and teach him; the rest I am to deal with. Do you think Lady Isla would be proud of you?"
"And why wouldn't she? I did nothing but keep the boy safe, all through. And what did you do? Make him clean the stables, just because he bore a sin, just because you feared he would lead to the tarnish of your name?"
"Shut up," I heard the viscount state.
"Are you shutting me or you sure know it's the truth? Just leave this house and never set foot here, never set foot. You may be his biological uncle, but you sure never saw him as a nephew deserving your care. What makes you different from them?" Father stated, and I felt the urge to be alone. I did not want to listen to their wails, so I just called on brother, and we left for the market through the outing he escaped through. I needed to forget my pains. I really did.
And I knew what I was about to do would be wrong, but I just needed to do it. I would protect her from anything happening, but again I thought about the princess. It sure was wrong. So, I just stayed in the inn downstairs as brother enjoyed his ladies, and I just buried myself in beer. The beer brewed here was beautiful, and when drunk, I had a liking – a painting, my little secret, my little world where I placed my sorrows. I just entered the room, closed, locked it, and started embracing myself with the brush. I knew I would paint her again, her again. I just always painted her, despite not really having met her. I just seemed to have an idea of whose she looked like, and I painted my mum. It just somehow gave me peace. It was like her spirit always embraced me in my agony. It just looked like it. Only that, I just saw her through the lens of someone's copy of her. She was an art.