PENELOPE
NOVEMBER
It's been a couple of weeks since the dance. The school year is finally hitting its depth. Since Thanksgiving break is coming soon, it'll be nice to get away. I haven't done much of anything except try to focus on school. I've been hanging out with Lily more, and obviously Craig. Not so much Beck, though. I actually haven't spoken to him at all. I can barely look his way.
It's not that I don't want to. I do. I miss him a lot. I just feel like an idiot for blowing up on him. Yes, I'm admitting I freaked out a little too much.
I feel like such a bitch, blatantly ignoring him in the halls or whenever he tries to talk to me. He tries at least once a day. Cracking a small joke or complementing me. I always want to react.
I noticed he's been tutoring Stella, though. Which makes me think he might've moved on. Lily tells me that it's strictly tutoring, though. Craig says I should talk to him. I'm starting to think he's right. It did happen before we were officially anything.
I figured I would find out what to say to him soon. In the meantime, I've also been struggling with my disorder pretty severely. I've lost maybe ten pounds in the past few weeks, and I think it's starting to show. I don't want to be questioned about anything, but my actions are becoming more than suspicious, I'm sure.
All in all, I'm doing okay. I think I need to work on being jealous and maybe trusting people. I think that's what I'm gonna work towards for the holidays. I'm really excited because Lily and I have the best idea for Thanksgiving. We just need to gather our friends to make it happen.
It's been wishy-washy lately. Beck went to the police with evidence of what happened at my birthday party. The good news? They've been investigating Chase. It's just in the air because of his dad's power.
The bad news? He torments Beck every time he sees him. I'm pretty sure he and Stella are done, but I wouldn't be surprised if I were wrong. I've been laying too low to find out. That's one situation I'd instead not get involved in.
In other news, I've considered moving to New York again after high school. For writing. I need to find the perfect writing program. That part is the challenge. At least I'm starting now. Better now than never. It also helps to have some friends with me. However, I have no idea what I will do without Lily. She's been like a guardian angel.
Lily and her brother are both some of the sweetest people I think I've met since I moved here. Jack and I have been texting here and there. He sends me cool pictures of new things he finds in New York, and I update him on stupid little things going on here in Oregon. It's silly, but he makes the best conversation. Different than other people here from Ashland. Deeper. He listens, especially about my dad's situation.
I won't explain my dad, but let's say we briefly spoke. He has a girlfriend. I'm not sure if I'll get to meet her anytime soon. He sent me money, and I sent him pictures of my life recently. He says he's proud of me, but I honestly think he doesn't care like I want him to. He never did.
I can pretend my aunt Sarah makes up for my mom being gone all I want, but it's just not reality, unfortunately. I have to be okay with that. That's my most recent revelation. That, and just being grateful, I guess.
I will at least say that my aunt and uncle make up for both of my parents by giving me some kind of attention. So much that I need space. They both decided to go on a trip for their anniversary this weekend. That leaves me home alone. My aunt also left me her car, so it's even better. Too bad I'm not with Beck right now. He'd be hyping me up big time.
I decided to watch reruns of Jersey Shore while having a little gossip session with Lily over the phone. We'd been talking for some time like we usually do on Saturday mornings. You'd think she and I were dating rather than her and Craig.
"My point is, if Snooki and Vinny dated, it would've changed the entire dynamic. As much as I like them, I can't say I would ship them." I shoot my opinion into the phone, debating my point.
"I think they were so cute, though. So endgame." Lily says, reminiscing.
I let out a small laugh, jumping slightly as I hear an aggressive knock at the door.
"Jackson County Police!" a deep voice booms from the other side of the front door.
I sit up in my seat, looking at the door. The way the knock sounded, I was feeling uneasy now. I don't want to believe it's the police, but based on the most recent events, it was, and I'm just in denial.
"Hey, Lil... I need to call you back. I think I'm getting ding-dong ditched." I say quietly as I stand up.
"That's annoying. Whatever, call me back!" Lily says happily before hanging up.
I toss my phone on the seat and walk over to the door. The curtain was slightly open, just enough for me to peek through without being suspicious, so I did.
I wasn't being very sneaky, though. The officer looked me dead in the eyes, so my cover was blown. I don't even know what to do. I can't not open it now. He knows there's someone here now.
I take a deep breath before unlocking the door, slowly opening it to see an officer and what looked to be a well-dressed detective.
"Hi, ma'am. Sorry to interrupt your day. We're looking for a Penelope Bailey?" the officer says respectfully.
Holy shit. What'd I do? My mind began racing by the second. I can't recall making any stupid decisions lately. Not illegal ones, at least.
"I'm she..." I nervously spit my words out.
"It's concerning a classmate of yours. His name is Chase Campbell. You're familiar?" the detective asks.
I didn't want to say I did, but I couldn't lie either.
"Sure, yeah." I nod quickly, shrugging a bit.
"Great. I'm Officer Cooper, and this is Detective Larson. Would you mind if we came in for a moment to ask you a few questions?" the officer smiles as they each hold their badges up to me.
Not thinking twice, I open the door more, stepping aside for them to enter, "I don't mind at all." I shake my head.
They both slowly enter, immediately examining my home. I could feel my insides turning. I was never a fan of the police. It's bad enough my dad is a lawyer. The law makes me sick.
"Do you guys want any coffee or anything?" I ask, following them as they find spots on the couch to sit down. I don't even know why I asked that. I just see it in movies all the time. It sounds friendly.
"No need. This will be really quick, Ms. Bailey." the detective says, smiling.
I smile back at her and sit across from them on the other couch, grabbing the remote. They watched and waited patiently as I turned the tv down and let a deep breath out, looking at them.
"So, can you tell us where you were the night of October sixteenth?" Detective Larson asks.
I furrow my brows and nod, "That's my birthday. I was at my friends' house for a surprise party. But I got there sort of late." I ramble my last sentence.
The officer comes back from gazing around the house and looks at me, "Can you tell us what friend that was?" he asks.
I close my eyes momentarily. I really didn't want to rat out Craig. It's not even his fault.
"His name is Craig Moore. He planned it with some of our other friends." I open my eyes mid-sentence, looking down.
"Ms. Bailey, do you know how alcohol got there? Were there drugs involved? Don't worry. You aren't in trouble. Just be honest." Detective Larson says, assuring me.
I slowly nod, "We have some friends who can buy alcohol. So that's probably where. I know that there was marijuana. Some of us smoke." I admit, feeling guilty right after.
"And when you guys were drinking, did you notice anyone putting anything in other girls' drinks? Chase putting things in drinks?" the detective added.
I lift my head, looking at them both. They're looking for evidence about Chase and the roofies. I should've known that.
I shake my head, "I didn't see anything. I just know that my best friend got roofied. She had to go to the hospital because she fell in the pool. That's how we found out it was in her system. I know another girl that might have too. But she left early." I say, tuning into the conversation now.
They both nod.
"What are the names of those friends?" the officer asks.
"The friend that fell in the pool is Lillian Jeong. The other girl is Stella Moreno." I confess, looking at their expressions.
The detective was writing everything on her pad while the officer continued to examine the room, rubbing his hands together. I was just thinking about how quickly I could get to Lily's house before she left.
"So I think that's everything we need to know from you. Thank you." the detective stands up suddenly, straightening out her dress pants as she smiles at me. The officer mimics her, standing up also.
I do the same, nodding, "No problem. I'll walk you out?" I ask.
They both nod, and I lead them to the front door again, opening it and stepping aside. I watch as they leave, walking down my driveway to get back into the police car. I patiently waited until they backed out before I literally threw the door shut.
I then run up my concrete stairs, rushing to my bedroom. I throw on the first pair of sneakers I see and an oversized jacket, then turn around and head back downstairs. Quickly, I ran to the front door and grabbed the car keys my aunt left me dangling from the key holder by the door.
Finally, I head out the door, locking it behind me before running to the car, getting in, and starting it up. I back out fast and begin my mission to get to Lily while also trying to call her on my cellphone, setting it to the speaker as it rings.
I was hoping and praying for her not to ghost me right after we just got off the phone. Which she was notorious for.
STELLA
November is honestly my favorite time of year. December probably comes second. I love the leaves and how everything is just so golden. It's perfect. It feels so nostalgic sometimes. It reminds me of when I was a kid. Of everything I probably can't get back.
Nevertheless, it makes me feel warm inside—especially this year. Most of my time this month has been spent listening to Beck talk about Trigonometry and crazy numbers. But really I'm just zoning out and focusing on being mesmerized by his velvety, sweet voice. I never want him to stop talking.
I know how Trig works. I'm actually pretty good at it. I just have been more focused on reality lately, so my grades are slipping. Once upon a time, I cared about my schoolwork more than anything.
I guess it helps that Beck is the one tutoring me. But it also sucks. I can't go one second without daydreaming about us being together. It's honestly quite sickening. I could never admit it out loud. That goes for any guy. Men are despicable. Beck is just less obnoxious than most men. And that's what makes him different.
Ever since the night of the dance, things have been slightly different between us. With us having to be together more, we talk more. He tells me about his mom and his little brother, Ben. I tell him about the dance team and stupid tv shows I'm addicted to. It may be just banter, but he listens to me. That's all I want. Not just from Dani.
Beck recently told me that he went to the police station the night of the dance. He gave them footage of the party, which I can only assume contained evidence of Chase being a heathen.
Now the police are supposedly investigating the situation further. Chase ghosted me one day. When I asked him about it, he told me to leave him alone. That means they'll probably question us soon. God only knows what happens next. Probably court. Something scary.
Beck thought that I would hate him for doing what he did. Probably because he felt like it was mine or Lily's thing to do. But honestly, I'm glad he did it. If he left it to one of us, we probably would've never done it.
I'm also happy he's not upset about me blowing up on Penelope. I don't regret it, but I know I could've been nicer. I think I was at the end of my rope with her always being so nice. I'm more or less jealous of how happy-go-lucky she is with life sometimes, just like Lily.
He basically told me that the entire thing was his fault anyways. And that he was planning on telling her, but that's karma just beating him to it. I couldn't argue with that.
Other than Chase and Beck drama, I think I've learned I'm better off just focusing on trying to get out of Ashland. And now that I'm free of Chase, there's nothing I want more. So I took dance a step further. Dani gave me some pamphlets about dance classes offered at different colleges in New York. She seems to want to follow along with the group.
It makes sense, considering we're all so close. It's safer to stay with who you know. I might not like everyone, but at least I'll have a foundation—something I never really had.
Aside from tutoring with Beck, I've been practicing more dancing and enhancing my skills. So I haven't spent a lot of time at home. I haven't seen much of my dad, but when I do, he seems to be more sober.
Since I don't come home much, and he's gone a lot, too, I wonder if it's even worth mentioning. I'm dying to know what's been up with him. I still care about him.
All in all, this year could not end any faster. Today was another tutor day. This time, I just decided I would go hang somewhere and meditate until later. Being at Beck's house gave me a sense of peace.
Beck was discussing a problem on a pretest we had been studying. Although, in reality, I was looking at his face.
"Is this making any sense?" he says, a concerned expression on his face.
Zoning back in, I had no idea what the topic of discussion was. I was blanked.
"It's not..." he says, disappointed, "What if I tried a different method?" he adds.
I smile, giving a toned-down laugh, "Beck, stop. I understand. Don't worry." I say.
He smiles, adjusting his glasses as he sits back, "Nice. I know it can get complicated. But you haven't said anything for the past few minutes, so I couldn't tell." he says with a hearty chuckle.
Raising my eyebrows briefly, I sigh, "Honestly, these sessions are great practice. I'm pretty good at Trig. Life kind of discouraged me for a little." I smile again but weaker this time.
Beck looks at me attentively, "Damn. That's too bad. I like hanging out with you." he jokingly winces.
I roll my eyes, "I didn't say I didn't like hanging out, Beck."
"Relax, Stell, I'm messing with you." he smiles, standing up, "You want a drink?"
I nod, embarrassed as I know I am reddening. He made his way from the small dining room table over to the refrigerator, opening it. He grabbed two bottles of water and closed it, setting one on the table for me.
The only thing I can do is watch his every move. It got silent for a moment as he checked his phone. I averted my attention to the wall, looking at some family photos that wear hung up. Some of Beck and his brother. A couple of school photos. A few baby pictures too.
His mom must really adore them. It's all decorations that revolve around both of her kids in here. It's so wholesome.
I grab my water and open it, "You're mom works a lot, huh?" I ask, looking at him.
He locks his phone and sets it down, leaning against the counter, before looking at me to respond, "Yeah. She's gone a lot. But today my uncle said he could watch Ben so that I could tutor. It really helps. Otherwise my mom and I are scrambling to work around each other's schedules." he says.
I nod slowly, "Well, she must really love you guys. There's so many pictures of you in here. A lot of memories." I say softly.
"Well, I would hope so." he jokes, smiling.
I half smile.
"So, we really don't need to go on for much more. You have any plans?" he asks, as he opens his water, taking a sip after his sentence.
"For...?" I say, raising my brows.
"For right now, loser. You wanna go do something?" he sips his water again, smiling as he stares at me.
I definitely didn't want to pass up the offer.
"Yeah, that sounds cool. We can go to this overlook I sometimes hang at.
"Let's do it." he smiles.
_________
When we got to the lookout, it was luckily empty. There typically would be groups of other people, some our age, some older, who all come to enjoy the view, along with some peace and quiet. That and it's a great place to smoke my joint and disassociate.
We approached a large, slanted rock, and both Beck and I planted ourselves on it, sitting as comfortably as we could get. I set my bag between us and started to rummage through it for my baggie of recreational gear.
Beck clears his throat as he prepares a cigarette for the atmosphere, "How the hell did you find /this place?" he asks.
I glance at his cigarette, making a slightly disgusted face, "I walk a whole lot." I state, then continue, "You should stop smoking those, you know?"
He looks at me while lighting it before taking a drag, "Stress tells mw otherwise." he says confidently.
"Yeah, but you're only eighteen, Beck. It would help you. Just think about it?" I say, not trying to pry as I finally find my bag, opening it to reveal a small Alto-ids case. I open it to reveal a few joints, and I take one out.
He looks at me again and half smiles, "I shall give it a thought if that makes you feel better. You think a lot, too, huh?" he teases me.
I shrug, exhaling. He wasn't wrong. I didn't think it was that obvious, though.
"Sometimes," I say, putting my other things back in my bag.
"Sometimes," he says, playfully mocking my voice as he holds out his lighter for me.
This made me laugh, as he always mocked people, "Okay, so what. Maybe I do. Are you gonna get deep on me or something?" I smile, asking him as I take the lighter.
He shrugs, flicking his cigarette, "I dunno, maybe I will." he says, beaming with a pearly white smile.
One wrong question, and this man will absolutely regret that statement.
"Really though, I am curious about one thing," he says.
"Yeah? What's that?" I look at him, wondering what it could be.
"Why'd you date Chase? Of all guys in Ashland. Him?" he says, running a hand through his hair as he leans back on his hands as we sit on the rock.
Well, that was the last question I was expecting.
I adjust myself as I take a hit of the joint, inhaling slowly. Finally exhaling, I let my words out, "If I didn't, the whole situation probably would be worse. He threatened me with that stupid video. It would've followed me forever. At least it's taken down now." I admit.
Beck looks at me as I'm talking, his face seemingly bothered by the topic of Chase.
"Why didn't you just tell someone, Stella?" he asks, his tone becoming more stern.
"Tell who, Beck?" I scoff, unable to hold back a satirical laugh, "Until recently, I thought you all hated me except Dani. And well... you know how things are at home." I mumble my last words, looking down.
I feel his hand as he places it on the small of my back, "Stella, I'm sorry. I never wanted it to be like that. I should've been there for you more. It wasn't right." he says, now giving me his undivided attention.
I continue to avoid eye contact. I hate him for making me so comfortable. I hate that only he makes me feel comfortable.
"It's okay. Y'know, for the first time, I felt like I was with someone who actually wanted to be with me." I look at our view of mountains and cities, bringing my legs into a pretzel.
"Even if it wasn't real...." I shake my head slowly, "Someone was giving me attention. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it." I let out a small laugh that felt like I'd been holding my breath.
I was holding back tears mostly.
Beck scoots a bit closer to me, tossing his cigarette now, "Yeah, but like you said, it wasn't real." he sighs.
"Y'know, Stell, that's not love. If you want that, why not find a nice guy? You could honestly have any guy you want. I know plenty of them already who would kill for a date with you." he expresses passionately. It kind of boosted my ego.
"Thanks, Beck. But I'm not interested in just any guy, unfortunately." I say, glancing at him as I pass the joint to him.
He smirks, "So what does that mean? You like someone or something?"
"Yes. But I would claw my eyes out right here in front of you before I even told you. So don't even try it, little boy." I look at him with a serious face.
He chuckles, "Okay, damn. You're so brutal."
"I'm just saying. You ask at your own risk." I smile innocently.
"Well, I am happy you aren't with him anymore. He's just so god-awful. I have never hated anyone, but I think he changed that for me." he says, hitting the joint now.
"So what's your beef with him anyways?" I ask, bringing my knees to my chest, "I mean, besides recently." I add.
He shrugs, "Well, it's simple. He's just a childhood bully. But it's like I can't escape him. Now he's after people I love and care about." he says, sounding upset.
I nod, "That's valid. It makes sense. I would hate him too." I say softly.
He smiles a little, "Growing up, I was this skinny, weak, and nerdy kid with huge glasses. Now that I'm just a guy with big glasses, I don't feel so scared anymore. Just angry." he says.
"Now you can fight back." I giggle, shoving him lightly.
He laughs, looking at me, "What is that corny?" he asks.
I shake my head quickly, "No, not at all. It's your truth. That's how he makes you feel, and you're allowed to feel that way." I smile.
He stares at my face, licking his lips slowly, "Yeah... yeah, I guess you're right. Nobody's ever validated my feelings just like that." he says, sort of shocked.
I lay my head on my knees, still smiling. It was somewhat comforting knowing that.
"Guess I'm not that kind of girl." I joke.
He continued to watch me, his body so relaxed while I was more restless. I was fidgeting like there was no tomorrow.
"You never were. You're so sweet. I wish you would show every else this side of you." he half smiles, speaking quietly.
"Mm, I'm just not much of a softy, honestly," I say, trying to save face as he passes the joint back to me. I hit it a few times once more before tossing it.
"So I'm special then," he says, placing a hand on his chest.
I roll my eyes. Of course, he's special. But even if I open up to him, it doesn't matter because I'm not Penny or Heather. No matter how often I think I can make it happen, it won't.
They don't even have to try. All the guys talk about them like they're so perfect—even Lily and Dani. I'm willing to settle for whatever this friendship is, though. It's nice to have his company back, even if this is as good as it gets.
The moment of silence is interrupted by his sighing.
"Hey, I don't want to be nosy, and I know I've asked this before, but what's going on at home?" he asks, carefully choosing his words.
Now is the time when if I'm going to tell anyone, I need to be honest. I don't even know where to start.
"I'm sorry if that's too far..." he says, sitting up.
"It's okay. My dad is an alcoholic. Sometimes he hits me. We argue a lot. But he hasn't in a long time." I whisper.
His head snaps towards me, "You have to get out of there. That's not okay." he says.
I don't even know where to go. It's so much easier said than done.
"Where's your mom?" he asks, still worried.
"Probably somewhere off enjoying her childless life. Happy without me." I say, brutally honest, "She left a long time ago. I stopped asking after I realized she wasn't coming back." I add.
Beck nods and sighs, "I know the feeling. My dad left when I was a kid. Sometimes it feels like that's all my entire life and personality is made up of." he says.
I turn my head to look at him, "Well, you ended up pretty well-rounded. Gove yourself some credit. You could be like Chase. Or worse. If there is worse."
We both start to laugh, brightening the moment.
As our laughing dies down, he begins to talk again, "I wish you would let someone help you. Let me help you?" he asks sweetly.
I squint my eyes slightly and giggle, "You are helping me, bonehead. You're a lot more in touch than other people." I say.
He looks at me, "You know, you always gave me that feeling. Like nobody gets me, but you do. I wish I could be real like that. What you did? Saying that to Penny? I was too much of a pussy to. I held it in for weeks." he shakes his head, talking.
I sigh, "Beck, the sooner you learn that you didn't owe her any explanation, you'll feel better. The truth is, you guys weren't together. If I were her, I would at least talk to you first. She's gotta see your side." I suggest.
"Eh, I dunno. I think she's had enough of my side. Girls like her also ignore guys like me when they do things like I did." he chuckles.
I raise an eyebrow, "And define guys like you, Beck?" I ask.
He looks at the ground momentarily, "Well, right now, pretty dumb." he says.
"Don't." I say, making him look at me, "You did your best. And Penny is crazy if she doesn't give you another chance. I would." I say, my last sentence quieter.
Again it's silent—this time with tension.
His voice is soft and quiet but still so alluring, "Too bad she doesn't think like you, huh?" he implies, observing me.
Our eyes meet, and I start to smile now, "Yeah." I murmur.