CRAIG
As I walked through the hallways, people were scrambling and rushing past me to get to their destination. I towered over most other people with my height. My body feel my body tense and my stature became more rigid by the second as I couldn't compose myself from my feelings of anxiety. I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming no good. I'm losing focus and drive. I haven't felt passionate or happy in weeks now. Unless Lily is around. I always feel so extraordinarily passionate for her. Sometimes I just wonder if she's on the same page.
The thing about Lily is that she typically always knows what she wants or needs. She always has the answer. I try to listen when she tells me things. I try to see her perspective. It just gets hard sometimes. I get so stubborn and it gets the absolute best of me.
Luckily, this time I just sucked it up and went to the police station with her. She pretty much begged me, and I gotta say, I felt like shit afterward. The fact that she felt like she had to do that in the first place is so wrong. Still, I'm so relieved it's over.
At least for me having to confess, that is. Everyone is still giving statements, and nobody can really discuss anything. I'm happy that's a thing though because, in all honesty, I don't want to. I'm pleased with my statement, plus I was honest. It's just that I have to be honest with my parents in the process. Which I plan on doing tonight, if I can find the balls to do so. All I can hear is Lily in the back of my head, telling me to do the right thing.
When we had our break, it almost made me question if I actually know what I want. I think now I'm realizing that I don't. I feel like I should follow my heart, obviously. That means going to New York City, attending school for music production, and spending my time drumming with my closest friends.
Then there are my parents, who I want to make happy. I want to please them and make them as proud as possible. That's the only reason I've spent these last two school years doing cross country. Which isn't enough. If it were up to my dad, it would be basketball and a scholarship with Stanford. He would be beyond thrilled and pleased with himself if that were the case right now. But unfortunately, it's not, and I'm more or less just disappointing him and my mother at this point. No surprises there.
The part about the scholarship is still possible though. That's another thing I have to discuss with them. The school is offering one for the best player or member of each sports team. So in my case? That's the fastest runner. Ironically enough, I make the cut for one of the top three from my team. It's just too bad I'm hoping and praying for a reason not to do it. I don't want a scholarship for a school I have no desire to go to.
All in all, I need to distract myself. I don't have to talk to my parents until later, so until then, I'm just gonna be with Lily.
That girl has no idea how tightly she has my soul locked in a chokehold. She's always so poise and graceful about every little thing. It makes me feel unworthy to be with someone as patient as she is. I've changed a lot since we began dating. For the better, clearly, but I don't think that I'll ever amount to the guy that she needs. And that hurts like hell. Worse than any of these other mediocre issues that are happening to me right now.
As I turn the corner, I open the clear double doors within the hallway, that divide the wings of the school. I could see Lily at the end of the hallway, reaching into her locker for her things. Her tiny frame of a body struggles to reach certain items. I can't help but stare as she talks to other people around her, happy and innocent. She had no right to be so disarming.
I got closer to her, but she still hadn't noticed. She was more concerned with the person next to her. I finally come inches from her, still not making myself known. She wouldn't stand a chance in a horror movie. No sense of her surroundings at all. As much as it tickled me to tap on her shoulder and interrupt her conversation, I waited my turn.
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow night at the meeting, Kira, you're the best for helping!" she emphasizes, saying goodbye to the girl she had been talking to this entire time.
"Can I see you at this meeting?", I announced, finally getting her attention.
Stricken and wide-eyed, she turns around, covering her mouth told muffle her startled yelp.
I smile, nonchalantly, as she smacks my chest, playfully, "Don't do that, you always do that, she laughs melodically, causing my smile to widen.
"I'm sorry, it's just so tempting." carry on, drawing my words out with a chuckle.
She moves in, grabbing my shirt as she leans up on her tiptoes, making it apparent that she wanted a kiss.
I lean down, closing my eyes as I reciprocate, her soft, lush lips touching mine. I wanted more. I always do when I get any chance to steal sweet kisses from her.
She slowly detaches herself from me, squinting her eyes slightly, "What's wrong?"
I shake my head, shrugging, "Nothing's wrong, what do you mean?" I imply.
She closes her locker and looks up at me as if to tell me I'm not being serious. And that may have been true, but I wasn't telling her. I didn't want that talk right now. I just wanna pretend my life has no problems whatsoever.
"You kiss differently when you're upset." she points out, coherently confident.
Letting out a small crow, I shake my head yet again, now advising her, "Relax, crazy. I'm fine. Now let's get out of here, I'm itching to smoke a cigarette."
She places a soft hand on mine, "Wait, I have a question first."
This girl pains me sometimes.
"Shoot," I say, with an about-face.
Her eyes become doey and big as she slightly sways side to side. She was about to ask me something I don't want to have to answer. Wonderful.
"Did I mention you look really handsome today?" she says harmoniously.
"Okay, what's the question Lily, no ass kissing." I assert, softly.
Lily sighs, and bursts, "Can Penny pretty please come with us tonight?" she pleads with puppy dog eyes.
A groan slips out before I speak, "Babe, you said it was just gonna be us tonight."
She continues to hold my hand, interlocking our fingers as she leads us to begin to walk to the exit where the student parking lot is located.
"I know, but Craig, she's so lonely," she tucks some hair behind her ear, making subtle glances at me while talking, "I feel bad. I blew her off this whole week so I could catch up on schoolwork."
Listening to her, I want to roll my eyes. I got blown off too, but shit happens. Now I sort of wish Beck and her would hurry up and get back together.
"Pretty please, Craig? I can make it up to you and stay over tonight?" she continues, walking out of the door as I open it for her.
I start to unlock it as we walk the short distance. I'd managed to find a close spot this morning.
"Fine," I look around briefly before grabbing her hand to cross the small road, then I look at her, "but if Penny comes, Beck has to come too," I respond, attempting to find a middle ground.
"Wouldn't that be awkward?" she asks.
We get to the car and I open the passenger door for her to get in, "Maybe for Beck," I snicker deeply, "but Penny seems pretty pleased with herself if you ask me." I suggest, closing her door before walking to the driver's, and getting in.
"Maybe to you, but Craig, that's how women operate. You could never catch me slipping if we broke up. It makes you look pitiful." she admits.
I sit back, looking at her. I definitely could've lived without that comment.
"Okay, whatever, but that doesn't answer my question," I say, trying to resume back to the prior topic.
She nods, pulling her seatbelt around her, "Sure, I don't mind. I just wanna stop at home so I can drop my phone off. My parents still have my location."
I nod back, pulling my seatbelt on as well before starting the car.
I start to pull off, but then Lily speaks up again, "Wait, I thought you had practice for cross country today? Isn't the meet coming up?" she asks.
I cringe at the thought, but think of a quick excuse, "Um, I just wasn't feeling it." I claim.
Lily pauses for a second, then responds, "Not feeling it? But you usually love running."
That was a lie. I just hate being interrogated and it's better to lie and say things are going well so everyone shuts up.
"You're usually so eager. The scholarship is such a big deal," she continued, carrying on.
I interrupt her, "Can I just hang out with my girlfriend instead? Is that so bad? Sheesh..." I let out a soft laugh, deferring the conversation.
A smile slowly creeps onto her face, "Okay. It's fine."
I smile back, driving us to our destination.
PENNY
Random voices fill the halls, people screaming and running, all excited to finally end the school day. I proceeded to rummage through my locker, putting books away so I can head home for the day.
Lately, all I'm thinking about is New York. I miss it, and I miss my mom. The mom part is an all-the-time thing. Something I don't think I'll ever get used to. And if she were still here, I'd probably still be there, writing with her. That's the part that kills me inside. The what ifs.
I also think about my old best friend, Elliot. I haven't seen him since I was maybe fifteen or sixteen. But it's the only friend I lost because, for the first time, they moved away first. We were friends for a couple of years too. We met in the same little league hockey team when I begged my mom to let me participate.
We stayed friends for a little bit after he moved, but it didn't last long. The normal, one person gets busy and forgets to respond. Responding becomes fickle. Then before you know it, nobody responds at all. No hard feelings in my opinion.
I still wonder if he thinks about me too though. I miss who I was when I knew him. I miss the person I was in New York.
I also miss Beck, though. I don't feel as guilty for feeling that way either now. Not like I was before. I was hating myself for wanting to be with someone who could think so carelessly. But then after actually thinking about it all, I know his intentions couldn't have been how it all seemed.
All I know is, watching him and Stella together makes me sick. Even if they aren't dating. I know how badly she's waiting for him to be a typical male and go after her. She knows him so much better than I do.
And that's the problem.
I know if we would just have a second chance, we could possibly make it work. We rushed into things so quickly before.
He's so sweet though. And he's tried so hard to make it right. He deserves one more chance. I feel terrible for blowing him off the other night at the park. I choked. Everything happened so quickly, it was a little scary for me. I hate being put on the spot.
But now I'm back at square one. Thinking about him all the time.
Once I made it home, I dropped all my things at my bedroom door, dying to remove my clothes and get a shower from the icky school air. My hair had turned frizzy from the humidity and my skin sticky. All too much of a sensory overload for me.
Taking my shirt off, I toss it on the floor, then go for my jeans, unbuttoning them to remove them next. I catch a glimpse of myself in my dresser mirror, making me stop in my tracks, unable to look away.
Everything looks huge. My breasts, my stomach, and my thighs. Even though I'd gone down ten pounds, it wasn't showing in my book.
My hand falls to my side, pinching access skin, making me shudder at the sight. Then I turn my body around, attempting to take a look at my backside.
All of a sudden, my cell rings, letting me know I got a text
message, so I make my way to my phone, sitting on my bed. I take a look at the message plastered on the screen.
Call me ASAP. xoxo.
It was Lily.
I take another glimpse in the mirror before calling her. Hopefully, it's to hang out. I need to get out of here before I go crazy. I miss my Aunt at this point.
The phone rings for a moment before a chipper Lillian answers, "Hey, we're going to the movies. You should be there, please?" she asks, sweetly.
I don't even think anything of the idea.
"Yeah, sure. The plaza theater?" I ask her.
"Yeah. There's just one thing. Beck is also coming." she mentions.
Now I'm starting to think about the idea.
"Alone? Does he even know I'm coming?" I groan.
"Yes alone. And Craig told him. What's the big deal? This is your chance to get him back." Lily challenges my tone of voice.
She wasn't wrong. Except knowing me, I'll make a fool of myself in the process.
Finally, I respond, "I don't want things to be weird. What if I'm weird?" I ponder my words, concerned.
"Okay, I don't get it. Do you want the guy or not?" Lily blurts, making me shut up.
I sigh, "I want him..." I mumble with a whine.
"Then meet us at the theater at seven. Don't be late. Wear something cute." she warns me.
"Fine," I say. We both hang up.
Wear something cute she says. I guess I better start looking now if I wanna put my effort in.
I stood at my wall mirror, gliding eyeliner onto the bottoms of my eyes, steadily. I always hated doing makeup. Specifically my makeup. I love it when it's done. But the process of me applying it is probably the most embarrassing thing by far.
When I was small, my mom would do her makeup in the car all the time. She would be running late to take me to school and we would have to hurry to the car, basically getting ready as we go. I remember she would pull her mirror down from the ceiling of the car and multitask as best as she could. I wanted to be just like her.
Instead, I have my father's hand coordination and no sense of what I'm actually doing. Nice.
I sigh, setting my eyeliner pencil down for a moment, blinking like an idiot.
"Shit..." I grumble, as my eyes get blurry with tears.
I go to turn around but then, of course, my phone launches to a loud vibration, interrupting my thought process. I turn right back around, picking it up and resuming my mission, answering without a thought.
"Hello?" I pretty much yell, too focused on the fact that I can barely see.
A smokey, yet dulcet-like voice fills the phone, "Woah, is this a bad time?"
I'm finally able to get a paper towel to dry my eyes, only to reveal myself on FaceTime, stupidly staring into the screen at a highly amused Jack.
My cheeks burn like fire as I respond, "No, I'm just doing makeup and once again I've been humbled by my beloved eyeliner." I admit with a laugh.
He smiles, laying back on his bed. I could tell he was in his apartment just by the accent brick walls in the background. I would do anything to be there right now.
"Well, sorry if I interrupted you," he purses his lips into a charming side smile, "I was thinking about you. Wanted to see how things were down there?" he asks.
I sit at my desk, holding my phone accordingly as I talk, "That's so nice of you, Jack. Everything is... interesting," I drawl my last word out, tossing my hair behind my shoulders.
"That sounds questionable." he jeers, still grinning with his bright smile.
"It's fine. I'm just questioning what it is I'm doing right now." I say.
He makes a face as if to tell me to continue.
"Okay, I'm going out with your sister and Craig. And Beck." I say, feeling disastrous after saying it out loud. This could honestly go so wrong and I could look so bad.
"Beck too, huh?" Jack's smile slowly fades into a weak half-smile as he glances away, grabbing something, "So is it like a date?" he adds, looking at the camera again.
I bring one knee to my chest, shaking my head "No, Lily and her shenanigans..." I giggle subtly.
He slowly nods and responds with, "Well that can't possibly be comfortable, no?"
I shrug gently, "No, I suppose not. But I've iced him out long enough. Weeks. We're gonna have to talk eventually." I say.
Jack slowly nods, "Sure." he says. He was just trying to make me feel better though, I know.
I sigh, wanting to change the subject, "So how's New York? Olivia? I miss you guys. I miss New York." I confess in a soft tone.
"It's okay here. I miss it there, actually," he says, laughing quietly at the irony. It made me snicker too.
"I think I wanna come home early for the holidays." he blurts.
I furrow my eyebrows. He should do what he wants, he acts like he can't. Like he needs permission or something.
"So come home. What's wrong with that?" I say, shaking my head.
"Nothing, nothing," he shakes his head, speaking softer now, "It's just that lately, I feel like I don't belong here. I miss you and everyone else. I miss the band. And I think Liv is having just a little more fun than I am." he tries the chuckle it off, but he sounded genuinely hurt.
I felt bad for him. I would certainly come home if that's how I felt though.
"Jack, you should do what makes you happy. If coming home does that, well then..." I gestured my hands up.
He nods in agreement, "Thanks, P." he says endearingly.
I look at my wall clock, briefly, seeing the time, then back at Jack, "Hey, I'm so sorry to cut you off, but I have to finish getting ready. Can we talk later?" I hesitate, not wanting to stop the conversation.
"It's okay, I know. We'll talk later," he assures me with a sweet smile.
"By the way though, one more thing," he says, standing up from where he had been laying.
"Hm?" I hum lightly.
"You look amazing. And Beck is a complete and utter imbecile if he doesn't see it." he licks his lips, staring at me, sure to make eye contact.
He's gonna make my head explode. I'm too shy for this. My face feels like sunburn in the deepest, hottest of heat waves.
I muster up a smile, softly biting my bottom lip, "Bye, Jack."
He smiles back before hanging up the phone.
I have no idea what that interaction just was, but it was strange. Strange good? I think.
I finish up my makeup before picking out an oversized grey cashmere turtleneck that my dad had bought me two Christmas' ago and paired it with light wash baggy jeans and my classic white Reebok sneakers.
I complete my look with my big leather jacket and head downstairs to grab the car keys before making my way out the door.
It was something about the Oregon weather that was insane. Probably the most intense compared to any other place I've been. That includes New York, too. I had to pretty much redo my whole wardrobe. Just in time for retail therapy, I guess.
When I got to the theater, Lily and Craig were already waiting inside, talking. He hovered over her from behind, holding onto her while she pointed out different items at the concession stand.
I slowly approach them, Lily's face brightening up and Craig giving me a friendly smile.
"Hey, how do I look?" I led with, unable to resist. I was shaking in my goddamn boots about this whole entire situation.
Lily giggles softly, "Penny, you look fine, would you stop worrying?"
I exhale nodding. That wasn't gonna help though.
"Beck said he's here so we should get in line for tickets," Craig says, taking a look at his phone. I follow behind them to the line, briefly adjusting my appearance to make suit.
I couldn't stop taking peeks at the door, just to see if he was coming. So much anticipation and honestly I don't know what for. I don't think I've ever wanted to impress anyone so much.
A tall figure opens the door, almost causing me to snap my neck.
It was Beck, looking remarkably clean-cut. His hair especially flowing and umber. He had the nicest blue cardigan on with a nice white graphic T-shirt underneath. He wore khakis to match. I was stuck, gazing at him as he slowly approached us, his body language already screaming nervousness.
Craig greets him and they dap up, and Lily gives an innocent wave. Then it was my turn. I didn't even know how to approach him, to begin with.
"Hey." his mouth widens into a genuine smile as he looks down at me.
"Hi," I speak out shyly.
"You look really, really gorgeous, Penny," he says, still eyeing me.
"You look just as good yourself," I respond, internally screaming. He gives me such a giddy feeling inside. No matter what the circumstances are.
Our turn comes up in line so I reach into my pocket, ready to grab my wallet, but a gentle hand grasps my forearm, stopping me. I look up to see Beck towering beside me with his wallet in hand.
"Can I? If you don't mind?" he says, gazing at me with his big, brown eyes.
I nod, melting inside, "Are you sure? It's not a big deal." I vocalize, trying to break my gaze, but unsuccessful.
"Let me." he insists, nodding. He opened his wallet, taking out money.
At this point, I guess I didn't have much of a choice. But I didn't care. I kept on with my stare. Now it hurts. I don't know if this was such a good idea. I feel upset all over again. I miss him.
"Oh, can I also have a small popcorn, no butter, and a blue raspberry slushy." he smiles at the cashier.
Small popcorn, no butter. That was my favorite thing and he just so happened to remember. I cross my arms, feeling the butterflies go crazy in my belly.
In the theater, I couldn't focus on the movie. I was too busy trying to sneak looks at Beck or hint that I wanted him to make a move. I don't know why I expected him to get it. He's a guy.
I was unsettled. Fidgeting. Switching positions every five seconds. I had no desire to actually watch the movie. Lily and Craig looked happy though.
Finally, I had enough. I put my jacket on and stand up, walking to the end of the aisle so I could escape. I just needed to get to the restroom and then I could figure it out from then. I could feel a lump the size of a boulder, inching its way up my throat.
I begin to run to the bathroom, shoving the door open once I get there, breathing convulsively as I place a hand around my neck, swallowing. I close my eyes, starting to weep, trying my darnedest to hold it in. I cover my mouth.
Once I could catch my breath, I sniffle, putting my hair back in a hair clip I had stored in the pocket of my jacket. Grabbing some paper towels, I clean my face before rushing outside to try to find the nearest exit. I could barely make it out of the bathroom though.
My body smacks into a lanky figure, walking toward me as I exit the bathroom. It was so hard that I almost went down for the count. A whiff of cologne hit my face from the impact. The smell was familiar.
I grunt at the blow, looking up to see Beck, looking concerned. I just wanted to get out of there.
"Hey, woah, are you okay?" he says, stopping me in my tracks.
I look away almost immediately, rubbing my nose quickly, "I'm fine, I just need to get some air." I stutter.
"Penelope, I can leave. That last thing I wanna do is make you uncomfortable. I know this is probably weird." he says in a mellow, cooing tone.
I shake my head, interfering in his sentence, "No, it's not weird, Beck," I sigh, collecting myself, "I miss you. Coming here tonight was just a friendly reminder that I'm not over you."
When I look at him again, we lock eyes. He looks down, almost whispering, "I miss you too. I'm sorry. I really am."
I had to just do what I felt was right. And kissing him felt right. I lean up to him, lifting his head as I press my lip's against his, finally. So soft. He smells so amazing too.
He grabs me by my waist, pulling me into him as he slowly leans back into the wall, breathing into the kiss.
He slowly pulls away, leaving our lips inches away from each other, "We should get out of here..." he rasps.
"Okay..." I breathe back, kissing him once more.
I couldn't get enough then, and I still can't.