I sat in the living room with my mom and her attorney discussing the trial. I sat quietly and wished it would end; I felt overwhelmed being here. I didn't want to see Michael again; eventually, I had enough, got up, and left. I lay in the grass in the front yard and fought with myself not to cry. Why does the court system put you in the position to see your abuser again as if the trauma and nightmares weren't already enough?
The attorney and my mom stepped outside, my mom continued talking to him as he was leaving. Once he left, my mom sat beside me "Dad is coming home tonight." I sat up "Why?" She reached for my hand "I'm proud of you. You've come a long way and you are stronger than you think you are." I started pulling at the grass "I panicked going inside." She frowned "I don't blame you and if being at Jackson's helps you. I do understand."
I looked up at her "How do you move on from this? Like how do you have another relationship after something like this?" She exhaled "Don't rush yourself. When you're open to that do it but take time to heal. It can be years Addison. Follow your heart." I grabbed a dandelion "I want to but I'm scared. I just want perfect." She reached for it "I don't think you have come to that quite yet." I debated whether to say something but I had an open relationship with my mom and I didn't have to hide things from her "Mom."
She looked up "That look is concerning." I continued "Jackson and I... It's been good having him back. I like living with him." I don't know why I couldn't tell her. They always made jokes about us getting married and having kids one day when we were younger and didn't know what relationships were. But I couldn't tell her. It felt like a secret of ours and was it right to tell anyone? No one knows about our other secret at least I thought so.
My mom stood up and went inside because she had to leave back to work. A car pulled up and someone got out, I didn't look up because I figured it was Jackson. Someone stood over me and I looked up "You're weird." I looked up at one of Michael's friends and I became frozen. I couldn't scream, I couldn't move. I held my eyes on his and everything stood still around us; he leaned down and mumbled something to me but I barely heard him. Suddenly my mom came out and Jackson pulled up. Jackson yelled something at him; he ran off; Jackson gently pulled me to his arms "Addison."
I came back to reality and it hit me; I remember and hear everything said; I became terrified. Jackson held me on the grass and my mom held both of us in her arms. My mom kept saying she'd call out of work and stay with me but to be honest Jackson was enough so I told her slowly it was okay. She went to work, I exhaled and tears fell, Jackson kissed my head "What did he tell you Addison?" I sniffled "I don't know." But I did. I knew exactly what he said. It didn't stop repeating in my head.
He helped me stand up "Let's go home." He guided me to his car and we went back to his apartment. I sat on the couch; he sat beside me "We should file a police report." I shook my head "Jackson it's fine." He became upset "His friends shouldn't be showing up at your mom's house. Period Addy. I swear if he threate..."
I threw my body on his and kissed him, I needed to avoid the topic and hoped this would've worked but Jackson wasn't easily distracted by a kiss. It needed to be much more. I ran my fingers through his hair "I love you Jack. And I'm ready to be your girlfriend." I did all I could to distract his attention from something else and I did. Do I feel bad? Of course but it was a topic I couldn't talk about. Not yet.
A month flew by, I stood in the room with my attorney waiting to be taken into the courtroom where Michael waited. The district attorney came in "It's time dear." I followed her, Jackson gripping my hand being my strength because I know I had none. I stood and waited as they led him out. I gulped nervously; he smirked at me and chuckled. I looked away quickly. Jackson stood up, stood by me, and looked into my eyes "You got this." My attorney had everything ready to be said and he was determined to keep Michael locked up.
The judge came out and started the hearing; my attorney was talking and telling the judge everything. I attempted to grab his attention; he told the judge one moment and pulled me aside. I asked him if I could speak. He assured me he could say what I needed to say but I told him no. We went back to the stand; I cleared my throat "Your honor. I instigated him, threw a fist, and hit him first. It was only fair what he did." The judge leaned forward "Addison he nearly killed you. This was far more a criminal act than self-defense."
I looked up and said "I want to withdraw the charges and statements I've given. I'm in love with him and I'm sure in time therapy will help." My attorney pulled me aside "Why wasn't this mentioned before?" Jackson stood up "Addison." I turned to him "I'm sorry." I stormed out of the courtroom in tears, Jackson behind me. I ran to the car and fell to the floor beside his car. He stood over me "What the hell was that?"
I looked up and yelled, "If you can't accept it then I'm sorry!!" He exhaled "He nearly killed you. I know you better than anyone and I know that dude said something to scare you." I sniffled "Well you're wrong. I can't throw away my feelings." My mom and attorney came out after about half an hour. My mom shook her head at me and began yelling at me "The counseling, the mentoring, the volunteering all of what you did for what? Help me understand why you did that, we have all sat here and watched you fight for justice and get him locked up then you pull that?" My attorney said "I extended the hearing. I manage to convince the judge that this is from trauma."
I stood up "I don't care if none of you understand. This is my life and my lesson to learn. So please let me do what I plan to do already." I got into my car and left. I drove fast screaming the lyrics to the song on the radio. Blackmail. Ruins. Everything.