We need to tell her," said Trigger. "She'll be less scared if she knows what's happening."
"Not yet," said Fitz. "We still have time."
"Do you want to wait until the last possible second? You know that it's going to happen and we can't reverse it."
Fitz struggled to refrain from yelling, "What if she can't handle it?"
"Well she doesn't have much of a choice does she?"
The sound of Lotte groaning put a halt to their argument. Trigger stood with his mouth half open as he watched Lotte put her face into a pillow.
"Fuck my neck hurts."
"Good morning," Trigger's voice caused Lotte's breath to stop halfway up her throat. "Did we wake you?"
Lotte stayed silent, hoping that she was still dreaming. With each second that passed she wanted to disappear. "No."
It was a lie. Lotte had woken up to the two bickerings. But she had gotten used to it. Almost every morning someone was bickering and she no longer paid attention to it. What was worse was the memories she thought were just dreams might have happened.
"I'm going downstairs before Major burns the breakfast," Trigger said. "And I'm not saving any."
Lotte didn't breathe until she heard the door close. Fitz got up from the bed and found an old shirt in the corner of the room. He tried not to wince from the pain all over that felt like it was burning his skin.
"Are you coming downstairs?"
Lotte removed her face from the pillow. She could feel the heat on the er face that made her cheeks red. "In a second."
"Ok," Fitz let out a quiet breath before walking out of the room.
Once alone Lotte shoved her face into the pillow until she couldn't breathe. She felt like screaming or slamming her fist into the blankets. But it wouldn't be reasonable. Lotte pushed her hair away from her face and fixed her dress. The smell of sausage, eggs and burning toast was all anyone could smell in the house.
"Wow," said Lotte. "This is the closest thing I've seen to a proper breakfast since…"
"Sit," Fitz said before Lotte could finish thinking. Aside from Trigger, there was no one else in the kitchen. Everyone else had either already eaten or was eating at the table.
"I can't wait to see a proper breakfast again," Lotte said. The idea of it makes her hungry. "Hearty Brot, Brotchen, sweet jam, honey, meats and cheese. Leberwurst."
"I only understood jam, honey, meats and cheese," Trigger chuckled.
"Hearty Brot is a–" Fitz started but cut himself off when he looked at Lotte. "Lott's, you ok?"
It was the first time Fitz had ever given her a nickname. It was one he had been holding in for a while, afraid to use it. The look on Lotte's face made him forget all about it. It had slipped out even without a thought.
Lotte's eyes locked on Trigger. Her hands were in fists down at her sides and her chest was rising and falling rapidly.
"Lotte, are you–"
The sound of Trigger's voice shifted something in Lotte. Her eyes shot from Trigger to the knife on the counter beside the sausages. Without saying a word Lotte shoved Fitz against the edge of the counter, moving him out of the way of the knife. Fitz fell with a groan as he clutched his side. Lotte grabbed the handle of the knife and pinned Trigger up against the counter, spilling the plates of food he had prepared. Lotte held the tip of the knife to Trigger's eyeball, blocking him from escaping.
"Is this your plan, huh? Making me food, treating me like family so you think I won't catch onto your plan? I'm not stupid, I can see right through your half-ass plan! I should have killed you first."
"Lotte, you are my family. Put the knife down." Lotte stomped down hard onto Trigger's foot, making him yell. "You're like a sister to me. And I'll always protect you. Even if you're AWOL."
Something grabbed Lotte by her shoulders and spun her around, knocking the knife out of her hand.
"Lotte—Lotte look at me," Fitz gripped her by the shoulders. "Look at me and come back."
It felt like Fitz had spoken some magical sentence. Lotte felt whatever shifted inside her shift back and she felt her body relax. Her eyes darted from Fitz's eyes to Trigger now on the floor, clutching his foot. Her hands were shaking and Lotte felt sick. She could feel the eyes of everyone in the house staring at her. Lotte could hear the questions in their minds that they were too afraid to ask. Her inner voice boomed in her ears.
Monster.
Psycho.
Evil.
"Lotte–" Fitz started to explain before Lotte broke away.
Lotte wanted to drop to her knees and beg for Trigger's forgiveness. But her feet began running; not caring about the cuts and scrapes her feet would endure without her boots. She wasn't sure where she was running to, but it didn't matter as long as it was far from here. The feeling of whatever shifted inside her scared her. It felt dark and twisted, but addicting. Like the guilty pleasure of going back to an old addiction. It struck parts of Lotte she didn't even know existed. Not that it mattered much because those parts didn't belong to her anymore. They felt good. That's what scared her.
Lotte didn't stop running until she no longer felt her legs, causing her to collapse. She didn't bother to get back up again. She had collapsed into a pile of moss and leaves and it was enough to condemn her. Lotte's heart rate began to slow down as her face rested against the moss. She curled her knees into her chest and held it there; her eyes fluttering to a close. Hair stuck to her neck and face from sweat. Her feet stung as blood dripped down from her legs. She had been close to death too many times to count, but she had never run as fast before. The forest looked the same all around her. From a lying down point of view, all she could see were leaves that belonged to bushes. Above her were trees that shaded from sunlight. Once Lotte could breathe again, she pushed her back against one of the tree stumps. She couldn't see any pirates, but that didn't mean they weren't there. The closest thing to a sword was a broken-off tree branch. Lotte clutched it in her hand, ready to strike.
"I won't be like you. I will never be like you. You can't make me evil."
There wasn't a good chance it would work. Most likely, Lotte would end up with a stick in her chest and would slowly bleed out. But she didn't have the strength to run anymore. Lotte took a deep breath and held it there, waiting until she could see the stars.
The sound of a stick snapping forced her to exhale. With the stick still pinned to her chest, she looked up.
"God, you run fast."
Lotte grunted as she threw the stick somewhere out of view. The opportunity had passed and she wasn't getting it back. She took her eyes away from Fitz and stared down into her lap.
"What's wrong with me?"
It was a question Lotte both did and didn't want to know the answer to. Whatever it was, wasn't going to be a short answer. She still refused to look up as Fitz knelt in front of her.
"Nothing's wrong with you."
"What did they do to me?" Lotte's chest heaved as she let out a sob.
Fitz's breath stopped halfway up his throat. His answer turned into a loud sigh as he let his muscles relax. "If I tell you, you have to promise not to run away again."
Lotte agreed only because her legs were still numb. Fitz took a deep breath, tasting the bitter words in his mouth. Trigger was right, he should have done this sooner.
"Lotte, you're a looter."