The words echoed in Lotte's ears and travelled throughout her body. Her fingers felt tingly and her stomach felt like it had been stabbed. She couldn't breathe. Her chest hurt and the world around her was spinning.
"I can help you," Fitz's voice felt distant and different. "I can show you how to beat this."
"How?" Lotte asked, still amid her panic. Her eyes darted around, trying to find a steady spot to look at. She could no longer feel the ground underneath her or the tree against her back. It felt as if she was floating in zero gravity, but constantly spinning.
Fitz grabbed Lotte by the shoulders, almost as if he was ready to give Lotte mouth-to-mouth. It was like he had pushed the reset button on Lotte. Her eyes fluttered back open and she now felt connected to the ground.
"Are you still with me?" Fitz asked, prepared for either answer.
Lotte nodded. Fitz took a deep breath and gritted his teeth as he rolled up his sleeve.
"They did it to me too."
The scar was an identical, but more healed version of Lottes. Her hand slowly reached out to trace the outline of it. Fitz watched as her hands grazed against his skin. Her soft fingers touched a part of him that he had refused to look at in years. For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel like that scar radiated evil. Lotte's touch made him feel whole again as if she had cured it.
"I don't believe you."
Lotte's words nearly knocked Fitz over. Out of all the things he was expecting her to say, this wasn't it. Fitz chuckled and pulled his sleeve back down. He grabbed Lotte's hands and slowly pulled her to a standing position. Her legs shook but Lotte was able to keep herself standing. Fitz wrapped one arm around the back of Lotte's waist. His other hand pulled out a strand of hair in front of her face and twirled it around his finger. "Do you want me to prove it to you?"
Lotte hesitated for a moment. Her eyes slowly looked up, examining every feature of Fitz until she met his eyes. She took a deep breath in and swallowed it. "Yes."
Fitz slowly unravelled his finger from Lotte's hair before moving his hand down to her waist. He placed both hands on hips and gripped tightly. Even with a great effort, Lotte couldn't hide the hitch in her breath when she felt Fitz's hands. After making sure Lotte was secure, Fitz looked back into Lotte's eyes, searching for any trace of fear. He found it somewhere deep inside Lotte, someplace that she wasn't ready to accept.
"Are you afraid?"
The question made Lotte drop her eyes away from Fitz's view. Her hands ran up Fitz's arms until she reached his shoulders. "Should I be?"
"No."
Lotte gasped as her feet left the ground. Her head dropped to watch the ground slowly get farther away from her. Fitz went slowly, not taking his eyes off Lotte. The two stopped once they had reached ten feet above the ground. Lotte's eyes were still looking at the ground. She fought against her mind to shove out the thought of Everet. This was different.
"Lotte looks at me," FItz said, snapping Lotte out of her trance. Lotte looked at Fitz, forgetting to breathe as she did so. "I've never killed children. I've never harmed a child, nor have I hunted them. You don't have to either."
"Have you been killed? Not just animals, but people." The question took Fitz by surprise. He blinked and forced himself to answer the question. "Yes."
"Who?"
"Pirates, looters. Bad people."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Lotte asked. "That you were a looter?"
"I thought you might run away," said Fitz. "Without giving me a chance to explain myself."
"Do the others know?"
"Yes."
Lotte felt Fitz lowering them back down to the ground. Her hands gripped his shoulders less the closer to the ground they got. Once on the ground, Lotte had to resist the urge to rest her head against Fitz's chest. She reminded herself to breathe.
"Is Trigger ok?"
"Trigger's fine. You took him by surprise is all."
All this new information swarmed around Lotte's head like a whirlpool. She couldn't decide what was more important than the other. Lotte felt dizzy again as she tried to hide her panic attack from Fitz.
"What happened back there? What's in my arm?"
"Modicum," said Fitz. "It's what makes looters, looters. You're going to have episodes where you go back to thinking Black Jack is good. I went through the same thing. But I'll teach you how to suppress them. And I can teach you how to use your powers for good."
"Take it out," Lotte said right after Fitz finished speaking. "I want it out of me."
Fitz raised his hand to Lotte's cheek and held it, "I can't Lotte. I tried but it's been in your bloodstream for too long. Doing it would kill you."
Lotte suppressed the urge to scream. The thought of someone dead being inside her made her want to scream and puke. Lotte permitted her legs to give out as she dropped to the floor, landing in the pile of moss. She heard Fitz scream her name as she fell but didn't care. She let a wave of tears she had been holding back fall in a constant stream down her face. Fitz knelt over top of her but Lotte ignored whatever he was saying. She prayed the ground would swallow her and never bring her back up. Lotte had become the very thing she had learned to despise. More importantly, Fitz had to. She couldn't decide which one was more devastating. But Fitz was still the same Fitz she had known all this time. Maybe there was a chance she could be too.
"I don't want to kill anyone," Lotte said through her tears. "I don't want to hurt anyone."
"You won't. If you wanted to, there's a—" Fitz stopped. "Forget it, it's not a good idea."
Lotte sat up, her face was inches away from Fitz, but she didn't notice. "What is it? Tell
Fitz sighed, regretting his decision to say anything at all. " I don't know a whole lot about it. It's something Trigger event, you would have to ask him. But—"
Lotte didn't wait for Fitz to finish his sentence before she got up off the ground. "Come on."