I BIT MY BOTTOM LIP, "JUNGWON, WE CAN'T DO THIS. Not anymore. We can't keep doing it."
He seemed confused, "Hey, this is just physical, you don't need to think too much of it. It's not like we are having anything serious. No need to talk like that." For now.
"Still, it's better not do this!"
"Why?" Jung-won asked annoyed. "Was it bad?"
Sighing, I pushed myself away from him. "Of course, not. If it had been bad, I wouldn't have had more than one orgasm, dumbass. However, you are my parents' boss. My siblings' boss. I know that this is only physical since we hate each other's personalities, but keep doing this so close to all of them won't work. If any of them knew what we did yesterday and now, my relationship with them will get even worse. And they will say I seduced you on purpose." And I only have sex with the same guy for two times at maximum, and he just used his second card. It's the best to stay physical, and to end it here before I can't go back from it.
Not to mention that he's dangerous to me. For some reason I can't pinpoint, he has way too much affect on me. So, much that it's not healthy for me or for the fact that I don't want to be feel vulnerably in love with anyone else after Rhys. And Jung-won, despite having a horrible personality, seems like the person who might be able to break my walls. I don't want that.
And I'm not even going to point out the fact that he ice-skated with me, in a way I only did with Rhys. A part of me feels extremely wrong for having done that, especially when he kissed me afterwards. This moment of weakness will taint all of my good memories with Rhys on the ice. I shouldn't have allowed him to dance with me.
It was a mistake and I cant even blame alcohol for doing such an stupid thing, since I'm unfortunately sober right now.
"But you didn't. I'm the one who came to you!"
I bit the insides of my cheeks. "They will never believe that. So, it's better to end everything here, Jung-won. Better now than before things get out of hand between us."
He scoffed and stepped away from me, unsatisfied and visibly annoyed. "Is that it? You want to pretend like it didn't happen? Like we never kissed or fucked?" Is that his hurt ego talking? Is it because I ended before he did?
"Yes. That will be the best."
"Are you for real?" Jung-won questioned with his arms crossed and a I-can't-believe-this-shit look on his face. "So, you just used me and now you don't want me anymore?"
I chuckled, "Let's not go that far. Don't be overly dramatic, Choi Jung-won, that doesn't suit you. And don't blame it all on me, asshole. We both used each other's bodies here. You did as you wanted and so did I, we both did very consciously and know that we shouldn't be doing this. We shouldn't have kissed, even less had sex, and we not only did all of that, as we did it more than once. But as I believe that treating this like a fling will hurt your ego, I'm suggesting that we pretend it never happened."
"Are you sure?" His face was colder than the lake.
Clenching my teeth, I nodded and stared at him, "Yes!"
He turned around, so pissed off and angry that you could tell by his body language, "I wasn't wrong. You really are despicable. Using people like they are one of your damned robots. You never fucking change. You are still the same as always," he mumbled and it was so low that I almost didn't heard. Then he just left.
"And he said he wasn't bipolar. Now, look at this." I ran after him, "Stop being childish, Choi!"
"Refrain from talking to me, Van den Hoek!"
"Asshole," it was all I said before hurrying it to get back first, and being a competitive pain in the ass, he came right behind me. Even though his legs were longer, I'm faster on ice.
"I knew you were trouble," he scoffed. "I guess the blame is on me. I shouldn't have come to you after you left."
"No. You shouldn't!"
But when I looked at him again, he was really angry. Like, furious. "Hah… I don't even know how am I surprised since I knew how full of crap you were." He didn't even look at my face when saying that. "You are not worthy it," Jung-won exclaimed under his breath.
And I know I shouldn't care but saying I'm not worthy was too low. It gave me a flash of Beatrice telling me how I wasn't the type to take to someone's parents. He was being unreasonably vicious for no fucking reason.
Maybe it's because I'm close to my period and my emotions are overflowing, but it hurt. Not the curses, but that last remark. It hit someone inside of me that I didn't want to look at. An insecurity I have since I was a kid… that I'm not worthy of anything for being different. Something my family made sure to tattoo it in my soul.
My confidence and arrogant way of dealing with things, are all but a mechanism I had to come up with alone not to get even more hurt. The way my siblings treated me in the dinner weren't an exception, it's just how they treat me since I was a kid. Doing everything they could to make me feel terrible about myself for not being like them.
Yes, I am aware of my worth in general, when it comes to my work and how I see myself. I'll never accept less than I deserve, but I'm not as cold as I look like. It was the only way I found to cope with all the things that happened to me.
Marie-Estella may have said that people in school had their attention turned to me, but she has no idea how they actually treated me. She thinks she was my only bully? The hell, she fucking wasn't. It was just different because she was like the sun of the school, and was turned to me with killing intent instead of lightening my days there.
People despised me in all the classes I had just because I tried my best to be the top 1 of each subject I had in my schedule. Marie was only in four or five classes with me, and I had more than twenty, plus the extracurricular grades. Decaelis Academy was, and still is, the most difficult, strict, powerful, and expensive private school in Europe.
Did they thought being the top student in that hellish place was easy? It fucking wasn't. And I had to deal with bullies daily, knowing I could beat them if I dared, but the cost of avoiding my daily beating and humiliation dose was too high to risk being impulsive.
I didn't have friends there because everyone hated me. And again, that wasn't the problem since I only wanted to be close to Rhys, but he hated me too. After all, I wasn't worthy of his friendship, even less of anything more than that.