JUST LIKE I WASN'T WORTHY OF MY PARENTS LOVE and my siblings' affection and care. Yes, I had my grandparents, but it's not the same as much as I'm thankful for them. It'll never be the same. Being a child who craves for the love of her parents and receives none, was heartbreaking. I used to feel envious of my siblings because they had the only thing I've ever wanted when I was a kid, mom and dad's love.
Aaron, Beatrice, Cameron, and Dean. They always had each other and protected each other no matter the situation or the cost. But Dean aside, they threw me on the fire pit and kicked me when I most needed them.
To be honest, Dean only began to kind of like me when I was 9, after an accident happen.
Feeling nauseous, I clenched my fists and turned my gaze way from Jung-won. With his last sentence still ranging on my mind like a curse, "Whatever you say. Your words are unable to offend me, so don't waist your breath," the lie came easy, just like the grin. "I've made my words clear, and so did you. Now let's do as you said and refrain from talking to each other, this foolish talk won't take us anywhere. It won't change anything."
The sound that came from his throat was bitter than anything I've ever heard, "I can see why you only have your grandparents with you, and why almost everyone hates your guts. You are just that hard to love," when he said that, I heard his steps going further from me until I couldn't here him anymore.
Changing the song to the violin version of Middle of the Night (by Elley Duhé), by Joel Sunny, I tried to hold it as much as I could, before getting back to the ice and running as far as I could from the bay. Alone.
Again, the asshole managed to viciously strike where it hurts. My tears got tired of obeying me and rolled down my cheeks like a waterfall, warming my skin and painting my pale tone in red. His words ringing in my ears over and over and over again, making me angry with myself.
His actions now just proved how wrong I was in sleeping with me, and how right I was in putting an end to it. If one thing, the way he was able to hurt me with his sharp poisoned words were a slap in my face, a warning that screamed don't-let-him-get-closer. I knew he was dangerous to me, fuck. I was stupid in letting his beautiful body and attractive lips blind me even if just for a second.
Choi Jung-won is the type of man that, despite being hot, I tend to avoid with all of my will power. The type that when they don't get what they want, they will hurt you purposely until you break. Because that's the only way they can be satisfied. He's someone who's obviously used to getting everything he wants, when he wants.
That's his red flag.
And I let him ice-skate with me. Jesus, what have I done? Why did I do that? Why did I let my desire control me like that, when that's not something I normally do while sober? Is it because I'm in my PMT?
Will I be able to not think of him while in the ice?
Trying to focused on the song, I danced while the tears were still falling down. I felt weak. Helpless. And the last time I felt like this in the ice, was when the accident with my siblings happened 15 years ago, when I was 9, on this exact same lake and season.
I remember as if it had happened yesterday. It was on the 25th of December of 2009, we had opened our Christmas gifts on the night before, and grandma Scarlett had bought a new ice-skating gear for each of us. Two years had passed since I first began practicing it and realized I was good at it, but as my siblings all wanted to try it too, she brought a new one of all of us.
Aaron (16yo) was in a turquoise-blue, Beatrice (15yo) was light pink, Cameron (14yo) was dark green, Dean (13yo) was black, and mine was all in golden glitter. Grandma made sure to have them made in our favorite colors at the time, and with our initials in them. So, on the morning of Christmas day, Aaron and Beatrice had the idea of waking up sooner than the adults to go ice-skating in the lake. Cameron was the one who woke me with a bucket of cold water, on winter.
Back then, Dean was always with them when they bullied me, but he rarely took action. He was a passive bully, always stayed silent and didn't do anything to make the other three stop. So, it was bad but not irreversible, as you can see now.
That morning I woke up gasping for air because of the good-morning water bucket, but the idea of going ice-skating with them brightened up my day. I was so happy that I almost cried, because I loved ice-skating and I always wanted to do something with them but they never let me. That day they did, and as I was an innocent child who only wanted to be loved, I didn't find it strange.
I loved the ice, but I didn't know how to swim yet. It was the only time the year I got closer to the lake, while my siblings were all good swimmers.
So, we went there. I was sneezing a lot because of how Cameron woke me up since it was winter, but none of them seemed to care, and neither did I. I wasn't going to let a little sneezing destroy my perfect day. To hell I wasn't. Then we got on the ice with our gears, and Aaron took a baseball bat with him saying that it would be awesome to play with it, and I didn't questioned him because to me, at 9 years old, everything they did, despite the bullying it, was cool.
Beatrice told us to go further inside the lake, saying it would be boring to play so close to the land, and I went first, already used to the ice and to dancing and playing on it. I was so excited that I kept jumping and rolling around, like a happy puppy. Only Dean stayed behind, since he was having difficulty on even standing on the gear, but he refused my help when I offered, and said he would get to us alone. The others were quite bad too, but not as much as him, and Aaron was using the bat to help himself.
But then Aaron, Beatrice, and Cameron snapped at me. They began screaming that I was mocking them by hopping and dancing around, to purposely make them envious just because I arrogantly judged myself good at ice-skating. I got so startled that I froze, and as my clothes weren't really warm, I began to shake because of the cold. However, they thought I was acting up.
I don't really remember how much shit they said to me, but I do remember how hurt and broken I was. I felt helpless and stupid for thinking they were really intending on playing with me on the ice. And when I realized, Aaron had already used his baseball bat to break a messy circle exactly where I was standing on the ice.
Terror filled me entirely when a big part of the lake began to dissolve around the block I was in. And I was desperate but couldn't move. I thought that if I moved an inch, I would sink faster. When Dean finally came to us, I fell on the freezing water, with the gear on my foot weighting me down and making me sink faster.
They knew very well I couldn't swim, but they didn't come to help me. I remember falling deeply on the lake, terrified, gasping desperately for an air I couldn't bring myself to breathe. Coldness took over every limp of my body, and I thought I was going to die. Still helpless and alone, I drowned right on this lake I loved so much.
After that, I only remember waking up vomiting litters of water. Dean was in front of me with his hands on my chest trying to wake me up, gasping and shaking because of the cold. When I was finally able to breath, he cried, apologizing and saying he thought I was going to die. I cried too, but because I was alive.
Thanks to him. Dean saved my fucking life. And from that point on, he began to try speaking up from me when things got tougher. Our siblings stayed angry at him for two months, all because he had saved me, while they intended to let me die.
When Dean brought back to the mansion, chaos broke out between our grandparents and our parents, since they new that my siblings had done that on purpose. They had seen how they treated me before. And it was when my parents defended them and crucified me, that my grandparents took me as their favorite. It was all because of that fatidic Christmas morning.
Instead of hating my siblings for trying to kill me and being even more scared of the water, I decided to go and learn how to swim so that would never happen again. And I felt grateful for it because thanks to almost dying like that, I got closer to Dean, and got all the love from my grandparents. Whereas they got angry and frustrated because I was still alive and breathing.
Kids can be evil incarnate. People shouldn't overlook what kids do just because they are small and young. I know that very well.
Sometimes I still have nightmares with what happened. When it rains at night, although it should be relaxing, I feel terrified because the rain reminds me of the accident. It reminded me of how almost dying feels like, and how terrifying that feeling is. The fear, the despair, the cold, the helplessness.
And as all of those memories flooded my mind, I let my tears fall. Trying my best to believe that the reason why they were falling was because of the memories of the accident, and not because of Choi Jung-won's vicious words.