Feeling disappointed in myself was one of the worst emotions I've ever felt. It wasn't like grief, grief had a reason behind it, always. You could navigate grief and deal with it in time. This feeling that swirled inside of me right now was an optical allusion. It had multiple faces and no clear exit. The person I want to be and the person I was were two different people.
How did someone fix a problem like that when the damage had already been done? One of the faces of self-loathing was making excuses for me.
Clementine was in danger...
Anna was in danger...
Milady wanted me to...
All of those were just giving me a way out of taking the blame for what I did.
Another one of the faces was whispering nasty thoughts in my ears.
This is who you are...
A murder...
A prisoner...
You don't deserve to be out of that cell...
It was as if they were battling each other, an angel and devil fighting inside of my head, but I wasn't sure which voice belonged to who.
My hands flew to my ears, but it didn't stop their shouting and back and forth. 'Just stop.' It was a plea of mercy that went unanswered.
You did this.
Murderer.
Suddenly I was the monster standing over the little boy, The General. His eyes were terrified as I stalked towards him claws out. With every fiber of my being, I tried to stop myself, but I just kept getting closer and closer until those nails were digging into his face. He screamed...
~.~.~.~
"Wake up! Damn it wake up!" I was being shaken violently by my shoulders; The Generals rough grip held me down on the mattress pinning me underneath his pure strength. It hurt slightly but I ignored it, his blue electric eyes were far more important right now.
I was keenly aware of the sweat running down my face and dampening my hairline. Our eyes stayed joined together and all else was forgotten I didn't care who I was anymore, all I cared about was figuring out who he was.
We both seemed to be in a frenzy as we study each other, his hands stayed planted on my shoulders scared that if he let go, I would begin thrashing around violently again.
I couldn't catch my breath. The dusty, rose-scented air avoided my inhales as if they were the plague.
"Why. do. you. matter?" Each word was spoken through exhales causing my chest to heave up and down begging my lungs to allow more air in and seize the burning in them.
"You tell me." His voice was deep from the lack of sleep. His thick eyebrows pulled together in perplexion at my question. It seemed to spark his inner battle which caused him to release me, the mattress squeaked from the removal of his weight.
He laid down beside the bed, both of us too stunned to say anything for a long moment. Just when I thought he had gone to sleep he spoke, "It's taken care of. I spoke with the head guard."
I roll onto my side so that I can see him, "When do I need to..."
He cuts me off before I can even finish my sentence, "You don't."
"Thank you." My breath became even with the more time that passed. For one man to have so much pull seemed impossible, considering the guards had a very strict policy when it came to incidents, especially ones like this.
"The bastard deserved it." Somehow when he spoke it, I believed it. Believing that I had done the right thing, it was scary how much he silenced my inner turmoil.
"Nearly every night I dream about your past." The admission came off as truthful but heavy. It wasn't for his sake that I confessed that it was for mine because perhaps if I spoke about it then it would disappear into nothing but the dream that it is.
"I use to. Still do sometimes." I could tell by his tone that this was all he was willing to say on the matter, that he was ending this discussion before it could even be had.
I rub my shoulders trying to ease the soreness. I knew he meant no harm but he did not grasp how fragile we were compared to them. There wasn't much to complain about though, because I far prefer these bruises to being stuck in that horrid dream any longer. The mental wounds it was causing had a bigger effect on me than the physical ones did.
"Try to keep those power of yours hidden. The royals have a habit of putting anyone with them to their use." His statement reminded me of the queen's teeth sinking into my skin, then the cold blackness that occurred afterward. Just the thought alone caused me to wince.
Perhaps they used him as well. Used him to protect Ouiswell from the dangers past the Outer Wall. "My hands are hurting so bad that even the thought of those powers..." The word felt strange because I didn't have powers. Only gifted Fae have powers. I would need to come up with a new word for them to make myself feel more comfortable. "Makes me uneasy."
"I'm no healer or I would offer my services." His voice grew heavy the longer he talked as sleep nipped at him.
"You've done enough." In reply, I received a slight snore and I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face.
They, all three of them, had fussed over me as if I was their child. It was funny to think about, why they bothered themselves I wasn't sure perhaps it was just in their blood to protect things that were weaker than them.
With my hands in the shape they were in I wouldn't be able to type for Professor Pine tomorrow, I would still go inform him that I would be out of work for the next few days. Surely he would be sitting on the edge of his seat wanting to know what The General, Haldis as he had called him, had eaten for breakfast.
-
Whatever you have planned for me Milady, I don't feel like walking into it blindly.
-
I knew she didn't hear me, she only ever came to me when she willed it necessary, today was the first time she had ever gifted me such powers the only thing that she had given me and not taken back was the ability to read a good fortune.
The fortunes I read were never descriptive, always in code and the person would have to distinguish the meaning behind the words.
I curl onto my side facing away from the open room and Haldis.
I pull my knees up to my chest and hold them close to me, if there was any mercy for me tonight when my eyes closed there wouldn't be any monsters or hateful words.
Perhaps I would dream of my friendship with Clementine or my sister finally finding happy.
My eyes closed and my lips were eased in a soft smile.