-Flashback: March 24, 2013-
"What do you want, Roxanna?" I yelled from my desk, not even looking up at my door when Roxanna knocked. She usually just barges in, but she is smart enough to avoid disturbing me while I'm trying to prepare for an exam. I barricaded myself in my room and hid among my notes. I am currently in the second stage of my studies. My notes have already been read and revised. I was currently composing my own review sheet. I would then respond to the queries about it. I would review sample exam questions last.
"It's me." The voice caught me off-guard.
I heard the door open. Surprised, I looked up to see Carter. I hardly noticed that I was wearing an outdated tank top and basketball shorts because I was so startled to see him. After our kiss two weeks ago, I had made a lot of effort lately to make sure I didn't look sloppy around him. We both agreed that it was a mistake and that we should never bring it up again. I did, at least. I only see Carter nowadays when he drops CJ off. I assumed he felt the same way about forgetting the kiss because we never hung out together anymore or brought it up.
"Hey… what's up?" I said. I became puzzled and took my eyes off my notes to look at him. He was dressed in white v-neck clothing and dark denim jeans. He gave off a slight unease, which is quite unlike him.
"Roxanna told me you were studying."
"Yeah, got an exam coming up."
"Really… damn… I wanna cash in on my last favor."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Carter, I have an exam. I can't stop because of a stupid bet."
"A stupid bet that you lost," he reminded me. I sighed and closed my notes.
"Fine, but I can only watch CJ for three hours tops today," I warned him, standing up, and stretching.
"I don't need a babysitter. I want you to have dinner with me."
I stood there with my mouth open, gasping. I'm still attempting to understand how it is possible for me to feel both contented and lost at the same time.
"What…" I eventually said. "I don't have time to get dressed and go somewhere at the same time. "Even if I use the three hours to prepare and go, your time would be up by the time we reach the venue, and you would have to bring me back here."
"Follow me," he commanded.
He led me, perplexed, to the kitchen. I looked up at Carter, surprised as I saw the table prepared with grilled salmon, rice, and salad.
"What is all this?" I asked him
"I made an effort to pass by earlier, but Roxanna dismissed me. She said you were studying and wouldn't want to see me. I assumed that you would eventually need to eat. According to legends, salmon is brain food," he explained, as we sat down.
"Where is she now?" I asked, suspiciously.
"In her words, 'getting the hell out of here quickly to avoid having to see my dumbass plan doesn't work, and to bear witness to her big meltdown.'"
I laughed at that. That's Roxanna. Carter smiled at me.
"She didn't know about the favor you owed me," he stated.
We ate together after I grinned in return. I thanked him for dinner, confessing to him that I needed the break and that I did have a tendency to become overly focused on my studies.
"I see that. Roxanna forewarned me. I never felt anxious about knocking on a door," he stated, shaking his head, as he put the clean dishes on the dish dryer.
"Shut up!" As I turned around to squirt water at him from the sink, I laughed. He suddenly shifted from being alongside me to being behind me and encircling me with his arms. Before he grabbed my hands and forced me to splash myself with water, I stood there frozen and momentarily astonished.
"Katy…you're making a mess!" I yelled at him to stop as he laughed. While I pushed him away with my body, I was also laughing. I pushed against his pelvis while rocking my hips back.
I stopped breathing as he moaned and rubbed my neck. He gave me a small kiss on my shoulder while holding me close to him and running his wet hands up my arms. I felt like I was melting in his arms as he continued to kiss my exposed skin while massaging my arms.
"What are we doing?" He breathed in my ear, letting me go and taking a step back.
"I don't know… You're the one who keeps on kissing me," I accused, turning around. I bit my lip when I saw him staring at me intently.
"I know," he replied. "But you're not stopping me," he also stated, before giving me a demanding second kiss. I felt dizzy as his tongue invaded my mouth. When he kissed me more passionately and drew me in, his arms slipped around my waist.
"Do you feel… like it's revenge? For what happened?" I asked him, breathlessly between kisses.
He winced and pulled away. "Is that what you think of me?"
"No. I mean, I don't know. It would be the ideal form of retaliation. Sleeping with the sister of the person who had an affair with your fiancee…" I trailed off, "Don't you think?" Feeling silly as it sounded like a plot from a novel.
"I wouldn't do that to you. I like you. CJ likes you too… useless for me to use you in that way," Carter eased my mind. I brightened at his confession about liking me. It made me smile.
"I'm not ready for a relationship at the same time. Right now, I even want to avoid dating," he says, sounding so bitter. I was the one who advised him to let all of his interactions with Shana go so that he could move on. Here I was, shoving everything in his direction.
"I don't want a relationship either," I declared, changing the subject.
When he looked skeptical, I elaborated. "Actually, I don't. I'm currently concentrating on finishing school, obtaining my degree, working to pay for my school fees, and then finding employment. I'm too busy to be in a relationship," I rambled on.
"What are you saying?"
"I'm stating that I'm okay with things being casual," I clarified. "Assuming you can keep it private. And if you make it worthwhile for me, if you can… you know."
He smiled at me and brought me closer to him. "Worth your while?" He whispered.
"Yes…" I responded in kind.
He leaned in closer to my face, and I could see his smiling face.
"What about me… Can you make it worth my while?" He says with fire.
"Whatever you're thinking… I'm into it if you're into it."
My heart starts to race as he hums into our space. I stood there, feeling my demands swim from my heart to my stomach to my inner thighs.
He raised his hand and used his fingers to touch my neck, and when the hair was pushed away, I almost got a chill. His hands touched the base of my neck and moved to the sides of my face. I closed my eyes, as he took hold and cupped my face firmly but gently and softly, then stopped. I felt secure, as we remained silent. I let out a deep breath as my heart is about to beat out of my chest.
He starts by kissing the corners of my chin and then moves his lips over my skin in the direction of my ear, but he doesn't quite get there. After taking a deep breath in and out, he softly bites me. It doesn't hurt, but it only intensifies my desire for more.
I opened my eyes to see us facing each other. He stares into my eyes and smiles. I smile, and with one hand, he runs his fingers through my hair and gently guides my face closer to his, eventually leaning me in to rest my head on his chest. His other arm wraps around me; I hope he never lets us go.
While I was in that moment against his chest, I could only think about what I could do to make his heart pound louder.
Next thing I know, "Katy, I'm into it… But you have to get back to studying, and my three hours are up."
"No, I have a few more seconds left!" I said, feeling astonished at myself.
I pulled him closer to me, gently bracing myself against him, as I angled my face to his until our lips locked. We kissed until our lips were black and blue.
"I want more…" I spoke through his lips.
"I can work with that," he agreed.
-Present-
I heard the phone ringing as it summoned me out of my daydreams. I felt a bit hazy and out of it, and a tingle hits me as I remember our first time. When we scurried back to my room that evening, I had no desire to study. Who would, after all that? He undoubtedly made it worthwhile for me. We were both impatient the first time, and it happened quickly but in such an incredible way.
It was so much better the second time. Before ultimately taking me again, he teased me by looking around my body in the dark. I never returned to my study habits, but I still aced all my exams. I soon realized that our activities had helped loosen my grip on anxiety and allowed me to focus rather than drive myself insane.
I shook my head, answering the phone and trying to finish dressing work, trying to physically push the thoughts away. I want to concentrate, but I know that thinking about Carter might divert my attention all day. Because every time I close my eyes, I keep wondering if I hadn't rejected you. Would I still be living in a world that's now black and white?