"Jana, do you really not know where we are?" Von asked looking straight at my eyes.
It made me nervous.
I looked around and now that I looked clearly, I realized this bridge…was where Von asked me out all of a sudden.
This was the place where our relationship and feelings started!
The place where it all began!
This made me even more agitated. I didn't know why we were here, out of all the places why here?
It could've been just that Von wanted to return back to the time where our relationship began but I didn't think it was that.
The air between us was tense, and I couldn't read the intentions and emotions behind his eyes at all.
"Yes…this is where it all began, where I decided to ask you out." Von uttered.
Swoooosh.
The night breeze blew coldly…
Von was standing erect looking straight at my eyes, just behind him was the railings that kept anyone from falling down the strong river.
He was dangerously close to the railings, it looked like he could fall to the river any time he wanted.
My heart pounded.
"Jana…"
He called my name…
"Have you ever wondered why I asked you out that day? I myself don't know why either,"
I opened my lips.
Indeed I had wondered about that for many times.
I wanted to say something but it was like a lump was making me incapable of raising a word.
"But…I realized yesterday that maybe I asked you out that day, so that at least…I can leave something behind in this world after I die…"
My pupils shook, my lips trembled…
I felt like my ears had just gone deaf.
"It's cruel right…" Von showed a mocking smile with eyes that showed great pain and sadness.
"I wanted you to cry for me, I wanted you to be hurt for me whilst I was away, whilst I was no longer in this world…I wanted you to suffer in my death." Von painfully said with his voice quaking.
That was just…unfair.
"Wh-why?" I managed to utter.
Von gnashed his teeth, "Do you still not get it Jana? It's cause I'm gonna die, I'm dying!!"
My mind blanked out…
No, no, no thats possible, I thought shaking my head.
I looked straight at Von's eyes with trembling lips and pale face, "Th-thats a lie right? Right?!"
My voice was shaking, I could not accept what he just said.
Him suddenly dying after the great times we spent together that I came to cherish as the most beautiful moments of my life?
It was unfair!
Unfair!
It was simply just…cruel.
Silence ensued in the surroundings.
"Tell me it's a lie right now!" I screamed to the top of my lungs.
My mind was in chaos, I couldn't control myself as tears fell from my eyes.
My throat was dry, I clenched my fists tight.
"It's not a lie…I'm dying." Von emotionlessly said.
"I know those eyes…" Von added, clearly referring to the emotions present in Jana's eyes.
"It's the eyes of someone who can't accept reality, someone who refuses to accept fact. It's the eyes of someone delusional!"
Jana's eyes widened as she felt lethargic, it looked like she could collapse any moment now.
"I know those eyes very well, I have looked in the mirror many times to recognize it." Even though Von said it monotonously, there was some feeling of pain somewhere hidden in his voice.
He was referring to himself.
"The time when I heard of how my life would come to end, I was devastated. I was in denial! I was in that state for just whole day but I spent every bit of seconds in regret and denial! Those short moments to me, was like eternity,!" Von clutched his chest emphasizing the pain he had felt that day.
I saw Von show a forced smile, "But you know? I realized, it was pointless, crying and being depressed didn't change anything so I distracted myself, I tried new things. I even tried to hook up using the app 'Blind Match' as a way to properly feel something, to take away this depressing feeling that is eating away at my mind and heart."
"I so desperately sought something that I myself don't even know what!"
"However all this changed when I met you, I didn't know what I was doing and why I did it but I just felt that it was you, and as I got to know you better and much more, I was certain, you were the one that I wanted to leave a scar to."
"You were the one I choose to remember me in my death as not just anyone, but someone who left you with a deep scar that you cannot get rid of no matter what you do!"
"I knew I was gonna die but deep down, I didn't want that but the fact is, the reality that no matter how much I deny to accept, is that I will die! However, if I die, I wanted to leave something, I wanted to live in someone's memory and heart."
I gnashed my teeth listening to his words, "Th-then why are you telling me all this?! You could've died and I would still have been left with a huge scar, so why?!"
My chest heaved up and down as my face flushed with anger but also a hint of sadness and unwillingness.
"Why?" My voice trembled as the tears didn't stop from falling.
"Why not just spend the time you had left with me? Why did you have to tell me this?! You aren't dying today are you? It can't be!"
"You-youve been fine and looked as healthy as a normal adult yesterday, theres absolutely no way thats possible. So why are you telling me this?! Why!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, however, unknown to me, if others were to see me right now, they would think I'm some delusional and insane person from how I acted and the expressions I was making.
Von was silent for a moment, he gazed at me with silent gentleness before he said, "It's because…I'm a coward."