Seems like the world doesn't really favored me, it didn't change for me as I was wishing for it a lot. I know, impossible. But I still hope, that the air will give me so much freshness I could breath. Its just life doesn't stop as my universe died.
"Steph, it's a good thing that you've decided to come with us in Antipolo." My super jolly and hyper friend said.
I just smiled not looking at her instead I just looked outside the van that we are in right now. I guess it's not a bad thing to breath just for a while.
"I miss you Steph, I miss hanging out with you." She blankly said. "I miss how you dance when you're happy, when you're wasted by the whiskey. Steph I'm really hoping for your fastest recovery."
The first time I've ever heard Joenie sob when talking. Its like she's just got from a break up, but no, her heart is broken because of me.
"Joe, we can't force her feelings, she's been through so much. We just can't say that she needs to be okay because we are not and we need her because we needed comfort from her. She's been in a difficult situation and I'm so glad that she's letting the bad feeling go, little by little." Brianne explained as she's focused on the road, driving that vehicle she's the most mature and calm friend that I've ever had, the only toxicity that she has in her body is to argue to Joenie all the time. "It's such a big improvement Steph, please know that If you needed just a little time to escape and forget everything, we are here, waiting for your call."
Joenie agreed, If only she knew that I really wanted to cry right now, that she always understand the feeling that I can never be understood.
Eversince Julian died, I never had the chance to feel like I am understood. It's like they'll never understand me because they don't experience what I'm feeling right now. All I want to feel is that I am not alone. That someone is with me.
It's been a year since he left me, it still hurt so much, my mind still knows the feeling of his touch and his kiss, how happy to be with him all day hugging, not doing anything, just me and him.
Antipolo is not really that far from where we came from, or is it just me, that's still mind-wandering with Julian's memory. But now, I know in my self, that I already let go. Or maybe not.
Or maybe there will come a time that I can officially and surely let go Julian.
"Do you know where to eat some silog that can satisfy my cravings?" Joenie asked us.
"Uhm, I don't have any idea, but let me see on tiktok as we park." Brianne answered.
"Yes, I think I need silog too, and bulalo soup maybe?" I cheerfully added.
They smiled at me liked it was their baby's first words.
"That's what I am talking about girl!" Joenie cheerfully said and browsed on her phone probably searching restaus where we can eat without disappointments.
"I found one on tiktok, it's 8 minutes away from here." Brianne said. "Should we try?"
"Yeah, we should." I answered and getting ready for another 8 minutes ride.
Sometime, I really needed time to breath. I really needed time to escape, his memories will never be erased but I know, time will come. It will not hurt anymore. Julian will always have a special part in my heart.
I'm willing to let go. Because loving also means that you need to love yourself before anyone else.
This time. I'm going to love myself as I loved Julian. Thank you for letting me feel this darling. I'll never forget you.