Being me is difficult. My life is currently going south and my present situation is draining the little enthusiasm I have left in life.
I guess if I had a chance to describe my current situation, I would say it is lonely, difficult and disappointing.
Yeah, being analyzed by 6000 people in just 21 hrs is not really thrilling.
Out of all this, the greatest lesson I have learned is that the internet doesn't forgive. Also it shows no pity nor mercy to anyone.
But also in the sense of positivity, it quickly forgets. As long as there is something new, something exciting, something thrilling or something juicy, you will be off the hook in no time.
Lilaa is my first name. Yeah, the crazy cousin who pushed away the only person who sincerely cares about her feelings.
It's been the loneliest time of my life. I hate how people striped of my dignity in a second. It shows how you can struggle to be good, to be loved and be admired but all that can go crumbling so quickly.
Yeah I should probably move on. I mean everyone gets bullied at some point in life. And why cry because of people who don't deserve my tears? Why should their opinion matter? I know I'm beautiful so why should 6000 comments pin me down? Why should 6000 comments make me think otherwise? Why should it make me feel unworthy?
Those are the disgusting points everyone is giving me right now. I should suck it up and move forward like nothing happened. It's as if bullying is a game.
But that might be true. Maybe it is a game. A game of the mind. It makes the powerful and mighty crumble to the ground. Bullying makes you have insecurities. And even though it can seem as harmless fun but it's torment to the victim. No one gets to understand it till it happens to you.
I mean look at me. I used to destroy people with my awful comments. And somehow I enjoyed but I never took it to a personal level and I only did it to people who were close to me. People who can't feel offended cause they know it is just a bad joke.
Everyone says I should forgive them and pick the broken pieces and start a new chapter in life. But what they don't know is that this could easily happen to them. It could be their sisters or even at some point their daughters.
I was body shamed. Even people who I thought they would understand the pain of being called names did it to me.
How does your conscious allow you to make fun of a fellow human let alone woman.
The society puts a lot of pressure on women. Especially young teenage girls.
When you act too girly, you piss everyone out. When your too cool, your a tomboy. When you use filters or makeup, your fake. When you don't use makeup, your ugly.
You should loose weight, no you should add weight, Your too dark, Your so light are you sure you're not using a lightning cream? You are soo short. You are too tall for a girl. You are too sharp maybe you should keep your opinions to yourself. You lack ideas, your not innovative. You talk too much you should try to stay quiet. You never talk you should try to be more social with people.
Everyone has an opinion about you and now someone who has gone through criticism has the nerve and audacity to do the same to me.
But I stopped being angry and became more of disappointed. Everyone expects perfection but we forget that super heroes will always remain in comic books and happily ever afters will remain in theaters. We are therefore stuck in the real world.
A world where bad things happens to good people and honest people rarely succeed. Where the corrupt are considered sharp and petty criminals are heavily charged but serious criminals are applauded. Maybe it doesn't happen in your part of the world but it does happen in my part of my world.
Anyway, after days of hiding, crying and feeling sorry for myself, I finally went out and that is because I had to attend my classes others I would be in big trouble with the dean.
I called my dad and he was so supportive of me. I could hear through his voice how he took my pain and made it his but his love warmed me even after the world threw me the hardest storms of my life.
I had to offer my apologies to Liz. I never apologise but dad made me do it and also I know it was wrong pushing her away like that.
I just realized we haven't talked to each other for sometime. And I know it kills her not talking to me. Honestly, I really miss her and somehow I've been feeling empty without her.
So plan how to I would offer my peace offering in a decent and sincere manner. I was hoping that it should be simple, sincere and cheap since the life of being a comrade is really hard especially when it comes to finances.
On my way home from school, I bought half a kilo of beef. I was to surprise her with a home cooked meal of rice and beef cause we always eat at the school cafeteria before heading home and I know we both miss a decent meal.
When I get home, I find Liz had already arrived before me. I find her working on her assignments. I personally believe she should graduate with first class honours cause the efforts she puts in her studies is impressive.
Seeing her gave me chills. I rarely apologise and I was very nervous. I didn't know how to start or what to say.
But say they say, "Where there is a will, there is a way." I was willing to mend my broken relationship with my cousin and obviously I was definitely going to find a way to do so.
You know Phyllis Diller once said that a smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Well those words were definitely right.
My warm smile spoke louder than everything I said and it made us comfortable enough to talk things through.
In no time we were both apologising and asking for forgiveness.
I wanted my relationship with Liz to remain the same. I wanted us to remain happy and united especially after what dad told me.
Since she forgave me, I guess there was no reason for me to cook and offer my peace offering but that didn't mean that we wouldn't eat a nice meal.
Liz voluntary accepted to cook supper. I know how to cook but I'm not as good as her. But as I said, she did it voluntary with no intimidation or what so ever.
As she was preparing food, I decided to invite Col, Liz's new friend for a delicious meal and maybe he would break the ice when needed.
I must say, our home isn't big but it sure is comfortable and for a comrade, it is just enough. Actually it is a single room but has a bathroom, kitchen and everything we necessarily need.
Instead of sitting or lying around like a queen, I decided to arrange the place and make it more presentable. But when I pushed the couch, I found papers that were half torn. And of course I made it my business. I then pieced them together. What I saw was a neatly handwritten poem.
The handwriting was definitely Liz's but what was written was concerning. It scared me. I became confused and worried at the same time.
The worst thing is that, I was really scared of asking her about it since we had just fixed our friendship less than an hour ago. And I had a hunch that if I asked her about it, it will bring up unnecessary issues.
I just acted like I was ok and I returned the papers where I found them and tried to brighten up my face.
Few minutes later Col arrived. We sat and enjoyed the wonderful meal as I tried to bury all of my feelings inside.