"I'm selfish?!" I exclaim. "All I ever did was take care of you all. You had each other. I had nobody! I was there when I was needed, and now that I'm not around all the time, you want to throw it in my face? Fuck you" I try to reign in my emotions so that I don't explode.
She was young and probably doesn't remember. She was just a child. I try to keep reason in my mind. Saiya and I were nine years apart. Mom had an affair with Saiya's dad and got pregnant with twin brothers. My younger brothers and Saiya's older brothers. She had Saiya a year later, and then came our other brothers.
I was only six, yet I remember every detail of their divorce. Every detail of their fight for custody of me. Saiya's dad and my mom broke it off before mom knew she was pregnant.
It's not like they were dating. Mom got sick of my dad, and Saiya's dad was there. This meant that after the divorce, Mom and I were left dead broke. Divorces are expensive, and she had lost her job as a mechanic. That was where she met Saiya's dad.
When Mom went in search of him at her old job, he was gone. We couldn't pay rent, so we were evicted. We couldn't afford food, so we starved most nights.
Dad tried to take custody, but he was a drunk man who changed his mood with every bottle he drank. I would pick Mom a million times over. Mom never allowed me to drop out of school. No matter how badly we struggled with money, she always found a way to pay for school.
We were practically living on the streets while she was pregnant with the twins. By the time the custody battle was over and we were free from my dad, I was eight. We barely had anything for the two of us. I picked up a few side hustles like cleaning the yard or walking dogs. Mom's parents had died a few years back. I was just born when it happened.
Mom's life was never easy and only got harder as life went on. After she gave birth, we were drowning in poverty. We couldn't afford a hospital so I delivered them. It was a horrid experience.
We scavaged for food, but it was futile. Mom couldn't leave the kids, much less get a decent job. I made it my mission to find Saiya's dad. I went to Mom's old job with the excuse that I was looking for her.
After being placed in her boss' office, I dug around through the employee records and found his number and address. After telling them that I knew where she was, I fled before they asked questions. I called, and he answered. They reunited, fell in love, and the rest is history.
It didn't end there, though. In love with her new man and life, I was no longer a priority or concern. The twins were left to my care while Mom and her new lover fooled around. It was the first time she looked genuinely happy.
I cooked, cleaned, changed diapers, bathed them, etc. I was their mom until they turned seven, and by that time, Saiya and our other brother had been born. I was fifteen, the twins were seven, Saiya was six, and our brother was five.
At that point, Mom had stepped up for her youngest children. Saiya's dad spoiled his little girl rotten, I was forgotten, and the twins have always been troublemakers. Even when I met my grandparents from Saiya's dad's side, I was disregarded.
I was never mad at my mom or her new love. She was happy and always took care of me even if we did grow distant. At some point in time, I felt like a stranger in another family. An imposter even. I separated myself from everyone because it was easier to be distant and alone than alone despite having people around me.
I drove them to school and other places they needed or wanted to go. I accepted my role in the family. I was the black sheep from another dad. Mom and I had our moments, but they never lasted long.
I can't lie. It hurts that Saiya feels that I am never there. But for her to say my life was easy is downright insulting. Life wasn't bad, but it was a struggle to keep up with all the responsibilities I had to hold.
"I'm sorry you had a few chores to do around the house, princess." I roll my eyes. Saiya scoffs, and she looks offended. "Princess? Who had to help our siblings with their homework or be there when they had a bad breakup? When they were struggling through life and had nobody else to go to?"
"You mean be a sister? Wow, that must've been so hard for you. Try being a parent and an adult at the age of eight and up and then come back to me. "
"Clearly being a sister was too much for you because you suck at it. Do you know what questions our younger brother would ask about you? 'Why doesn't Soren talk to us?' 'Is she our sister or a family friend?' 'Why is she so distant?' 'Does she hate us?' Eventually, the questions stopped. He stopped talking about you. We never knew who our sister was, the other person who lived in the same house as us."
Tears start to swell in her eyes. I feel bad that I made them feel that way. "I didn't know who my sister was, and still don't." Her voice lowers.
"What about me? What about how I felt? Yes, it sounds so fucking selfish but why are my feelings always tossed aside to worry about everyone else's? I'm sorry I made you all feel bad, but I had to step up to pick up Mom's slack. I had my own shit to deal with. School wasn't easy. Do you think it was easy to worry about newborns and little siblings until high school?
Newsflash, it wasn't. I felt like an outsider in my own home, and that's how you all saw me. Yet none of you bothered to do anything about it. Nobody commented on how mom and your dad gave you all the royal fucking life, and me the scraps. Nobody dared to speak about how I was left out of the family trips to take care of the house. How I'm in none of our family photos. How I always had to be the responsible one so that you guys could live your lives while I clean up the mess. Yes, you had some hard times, but don't you dare act like I suffer. You had family and friends. Think about your privileges before you come complaining to me."
"Screw you!" She shouts. Tears streak down her eyes, and her face goes red. Am I in the wrong? In truth, I feel a little resentment and jealousy toward Saiya. She was the perfect child. She was the princess, and I was the maid in the background cleaning her mess. The twins weren't much of any help either. They were in a spoiled world of their own.
If Saiya was the precious baby girl, then the twins were a beautiful phenomenon that their dad swore to do right by. I and their dad had a decent relationship, but we never hugged. We never talked about personal things. We never hung out. We were simply two people who had one person in common.
Mom told me to make an effort in my relationship with him. Of course, she addressed me, the child, and not her partner, the adult. Because at the end of the day, I was always the one who had to put in the effort to make things better for others. It was exhausting.
"Everyone, calm down!" Jason growls. Saiya instantly shuts her mouth before she can say anything else.
"Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" I look at Jason as if he has just lost his mind. He might as well have. This has nothing to do with him. He visibly flinches, caught off guard by my response. I lift my eyebrow, waiting for him to respond. "I'm sorry I yelled, but can we all take a breather?"
I nod my head and smile. "I've got a better idea. Clearly, coming here was a mistake. Since this week has started, my life has taken a dive, and I'm just about tired of it." I leave for my room to start packing my things.
"You're only proving me right. You say we don't care, but you never talk to us. When we have a real conversation, you leave."
I slowly turn my head toward her. "You will never understand. It's because of that that we'll never have a real conversation. All you and our siblings know how to do is bitch and complain. If you wanted to approach me when we were younger, you could've talked to me. You're just as bad as me. Nobody did anything to make the situation better. Not me, not you, not our siblings, and most definitely not our parents. Everyone saw what was happening and did nothing. You have no right to blame this all on me."
I continue to walk to my room to pack my things. I'm flurrying around the house, trying to be as quick as possible. Once everything is packed, I march to the front door and look for my keys.
Shit, Luke has my car. I whip my body toward Jason. "Can I use your car?" I say with impatience. He's holding Saiya, wiping her tears, and trying to calm her down. He looks up at me, and his eyes are conflicted. "I'm coming with you," he's made a decision, and his eyes hold conviction.
Saiya looks up at him in shock. "What? Are you siding with her? You're leaving me?" She sobs. Jason is making a dumb move. "Don't be stupid, just give me the keys."
"I'm not going to let you drive while you're emotionally distressed. It's not safe." I roll my eyes. "Hurry up," How this would affect their relationship doesn't concern me.
I wait by the car for five minutes before Jason comes out of the house. His eyes are troubled when he comes out. The trunk pops open, and I put my suitcase inside.
I go into the passenger seat, joining Jason in the car. "She was pleading for you to stay, you know, "
"She doesn't want you to go, you know," I counter. "What happened between you two?" Now that I am sitting, the exhaustion of the day hits me. "Ask her. I'm sure you can connect the dots. Our fight didn't leave much to the imagination. That's something for you two to discuss, "
"I want your side. You experienced more," I give him a tired sigh. "We're not close, Jason. I don't know anything about you. You don't need to hear my life story, I'm not the one you're marrying. We're two people who work at the same place and happen to be bonded by one person. Just to give you a heads up, you made the wrong choice choosing to come with me. You're her fiancee, you don't run off with another woman when your partner is upset."
"I was serious about what I said. It's stupid for me to let you take my car and potentially crash it. I paid a lot for this, you know." His comment makes me smile. "Asshole," I say without any force.
"I know. Where are we going, by the way?"
"My boyfriend's house," Jason lifts his brow. "I'm mocking you, I'm going to Luke's. He has my things and my car. Plus, I need to rant to him about everything. Hopefully, we get a chance to get drunk. "
Fuck, It's been too long since I've kicked my feet up. "Right," the rest of the ride is silent. There's no music this time.
After following the GPS, we arrive at Luke's. "Thank you, " Jason hesitates for a moment before he draws me in for a hug. "I know we're not close, but I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I've known you for a while, Soren. I'm not going to act like I don't know you at all. "
I don't hug him back, but I absorb his warmth. "Thank you, " After a minute, I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. I let them rest there before dropping them. "Goodnight, "
"Goodnight," I bang on Luke's door. I'm not going to wait for him all night. In the span of ten seconds, the door flies open.
Luke appears frazzled, his breathing is labored, and his hair is messy. "My bestie senses were tingling," He opens his arms for a hug, and I crash into his chest. He brings me into the house and sits me on the couch. "I have a guest over. Don't mind him, "
I look up to see a dirty blonde with brown eyes sitting on the other side of the couch. He's muscular and tall. He doesn't need to stand for me to know it. He has one leg over the other in a triangle position with his arms resting behind the couch.
"I never took you for a bottom," I tell Luke. "Who says I am? He's much more submissive in bed. Don't let his looks fool you." The guy smirks and throws me a wink. "Ugh, I feel like shit," I lay back on his couch.
"You look like shit," Luke finishes me off. "Gee, thanks," I mentally prepare myself to tell Luke what happened. After I finish my story, Luke's guest whistles.
"I can see where the both of you are coming from. Saiya is entitled to what she feels about your behavior, but so are you. You both have your struggles. Your family matters are complicated, but I do have something to ask you." Luke comments.
I give him a signal with my hand to continue. "You've changed this past week. What is up with the change of clothes and your pent-up emotions? The you a week ago never would've stood up to Madden, wouldn't have dressed differently, and wouldn't have spoken to Saiya or me about your troubles."
I ponder on his question. The answer comes to me like common sense. "Everything around me has changed. Saiya is bolder with her thoughts, and Madden isn't a complete stranger anymore. When everything around you starts to change, eventually you do too. That's how it is for me anyway. I've also had to come to terms with the lameness of my life. It's been shoved in my face more this week than in my entire life, and that's saying something. I want to change. I don't want to be boring or predictable anymore."
Luke's grin rivals the Cheshire Cat. "Hell yeah, that's what I love to hear. We are going to have an absolute blast and get your Niagara Falls running again," I laugh at Luke's replacement for vagina.
"Are you saying I'm dry?" I feign offense. Luke bends down to hug my waist. "I can hear the rocks rubbing together, making a gritting sound. It's so sad." I slap his head and laugh. "How long has it been?" Luke's guest asks. I wince at the answer.
"Not since freshmen year in college," I grimace at my answer. The man visibly chokes. "That should be illegal. Luke, we have got to fix her," Jesus, even a stranger can see how pathetic I am. "You two are going to have to be my fairy Godmothers." I smile.
"Trust and believe, Cinderella isn't going to have anything on you when we're through. We're gonna stuff your pumpkin to the max," Luke gives a playboy-ish smile.
I cringe at his words. "Heavens no. Don't ever say that again."
"You know, it sounds like you have chemistry with that boss of yours." The mysterious man says. "You mean my brother-in-law-to-be? Don't even start," I put up my hand, gesturing for him to stop. "I haven't heard anything sexier,"
Luke gasps. Catching on, Mr. Man quickly takes it back. "I'm kidding," he winks at Luke. Luke gives him a seductive grin. "If you think that sentence is the sexiest thing you've ever heard, then clearly I'll have to ingrain another lesson into your mind."
Luke licks his lips and stares Mr. Man down seductively. Mr. Man noticeably gets turned on. "And that's my cue to leave," I tap Luke's head so that he lifts his head off my stomach.
Dismissing me, he gets up and grabs Mr. Man by the waist. I don't stay for the rest. Man, I need to get laid.