After her abrupt breakdown in the office, Sejeong went on a week long sick leave. While she wasn't physically ill, she had a lot to think about. This new story that she was writing, she realized, was unintentionally a reflection of her dear brother. Her brother who hated the entertainment industry. Her brother who was an actor. Her dear brother who left the world nine years ago.
When she first heard of his passing, she was too young to understand. No, actually, she was nineteen, a legal adult. But still too young.
Sejeong thought that humans had to be taught how to feel. When parents hold their children and smile, the child learns that this upturn of lips, slight squint of eyes, and softening of gaze means a form of joy. And that they, too, should display this expression when they feel goodness. Mourning was like that too. We cry, that's instinct. But mourning is different. Mourning is not crying. Mourning is about regurgitating your broken heart. Repeating the cycle of throwing up all your pain and misery, and then swallowing it back up because you feel like once you loose the pain, you loose the person that you loved so much. Mourning is about breaking that cycle, that cycle of endless misery, and somehow finding a way to continue.
No one taught Sejeong how to mourn. It was always just her and her brother. She saw lots of tears at his funeral but she knew that wasn't mourning. It couldn't be. The simple display of tears couldn't compare to the pitch black pit that she was feeling inside. So she didn't mourn. Instead, she covered up that endless pitch with writing.
She wrote and wrote and wrote until she thought that she was going to die. On paper, on her laptop, on the napkins that came with her coffee, nothing mattered to her other than writing. And eventually she completed "After The Wind Blows," a book that was written through her pure despair and desperation.
Perhaps that's what Blue Bird saw when she first brought them her manuscript: desperation. After she published her first novel, she published her next, and next, and with every book wrote she felt as though that pit in her heart was slowly filling up. That is, until that conversation with Minju that demolished any healing her heart had done.
During her first day of sick leave, Sejeong did nothing but think in her pain. It had been nine years since her brother's passing and she knew that she couldn't continue on like this. She had a life now, thousands of fans that loved her and a life purpose in writing her books. She had to escape from the past, so she decided to continue writing her book. "I wish you weren't here," she titled it. And for the rest of her sick leave she did nothing but write up the outline and concepts of the book.
"Manager Seo?" Sejeong entered her waiting room and was surprised to see Manager Seo waiting for her.
"Sejeong, If you don't feel well, we can still cancel the shoot."
"No, I'm fine." Manager Seo shot her a look of worry. "Really! And besides, I wanted to give this to you," she said as she pulled out a stack of papers. "It's the early stages of my new work. It's called, 'I wish you weren't here.'"
Manager Seo took the papers and began to skim through the pages. Sejeong could tell that he went into work mode, fully focusing on her writing and nothing else.
"It's...new," he finally said. "It's different from what you've written before."
Sejeong clutched onto the strap of her bag and took a big gulp. "Yes, it's very different." Did he not like it? She knew that this project would stick out from the rest of her portfolio, but she was confident that the beginning work was good.
"It's...wonderful. And raw. And emotional. Is this why you went on sick leave?"
"Yes, it is. I'm sorry that I wasn't actually sick but I really needed that time. And I also need to really write this book."
"Very well. It's better than you being sick like a little bird. I'll contact the publishing team and we'll get this project started."
Sejeong let out a sigh of relief. Although she was satisfied with the manuscript, she wasn't sure how the company would react to it, but Manager Seo's first impressions were a good sign.
"Ms. Daisy! Please get on set!"
It had been a crazy week for Sejeong and she was so ready to see her idols.