One minute I am sweet-talking King Henry into letting me borrow his not-so-innocent wives, then the next I am being dragged through hell, the human realm, and heaven. I quickly cloak myself from the humans as I'm pulled through the air.
"What? Am I a fish now?!" I yell at the sky, and cross my arms, "Ugh this sucks, I had a good time planned."
I'm Azazel, a Demon Prince of Hell. I could level cities and destroy civilizations, not that I ever feel like it. It's just so much effort. Now here I am being dragged through realms by a hook, flying through the air, narrowly colliding into every structure I pass.
Between all the screaming and dumpster fires I can't help but revel in the chaos, knowing full well that I caused at least half of it. The momentary distraction was enough for me to narrowly get my a*s roasted on a powerline.
"Watch where you're stringing me along!" I yell into the sky. Normally I'm the one being told that.
'Dumb*ss, stop being an agent of chaos for one second and try not to die!' I laugh and go back to watching the human chaos.
Finally, I break through the clouds to be greeted by a pentagram in the cloudfluff, and an angel flailing to her feet.
I was greeted by none other than Metatron. Her blonde hair cascaded down her back in messy curls, and her blue eyes trained on me. 'Did little Meta just drag me out of hell? Has she always been this powerful?' I push my hair back and groan, still trying to wrap my head around what the f*ck is going on.
"Azazel, I need your help," she commands like a military sergeant, "Heaven needs your help."
I pause for a moment, shocked at her tone. I'm not some hero you can summon to fix your problems! A jolt of anger passes through my veins. Until realization dawns on me, that's what I've been for her my entire life. Whenever she was teased or bullied, I was her hero. Goddammit, just when I thought I was done with this family's bullsh*t.
I smirk and say the only thing I can think of that will annoy her enough to let me go, "Nah, I don't feel like it, maybe another day Princess."
I watch her hands clench into fists by her sides and a glint of anger passes through her eyes. I felt guilt begin to weigh on my heart, that was an as*hole move. Then her anger was wiped away, as if it were never there, 'Um... what?'
Meta has always hated that nickname. She was deemed the Prince of Angels by God, even though she presented herself in her female form. She wanted to be known as The Prince though, it felt right to her. Even after telling that to our angel brethren, most of them didn't care. They would call her Princess to annoy and tease her for using her female form and wanting to be referred to as Prince.
"Azazel, for heaven's and the human's sake! Please." I look down at her, she's like a puppy.
Her entire demeanour flipped like a switch. She looked up at me like an adorable, annoying, whiny puppy. Sadly for her, I am more of a cat person. 'Ha! Nice try honey, you'll have to do better than that!'
"Azazel, please, I can't search heaven all by myself," she pleads.
I have things to do, parties to be at, and wives to seduce! I am not in the mood to play family therapist with god.
"Why don't you take their place, become god," I watch as she scowls in disgust, "you are the Prince of Angels, so isn't the throne like your birthright or whatever?"
"No way! I'm not becoming God! I need help finding them because angels can't become God!"
"Metatron? Meta listen," I say half-heartedly, she nods and I continue, "I'm sorry to hear that dear old parental figure left again but, I honestly. Do. Not. Care."
I flop down and lay in the cloudfluff. I pull off my tie and pop open the top two buttons on my black dress shirt, getting comfortable. I close my eyes and breathe in the weirdly milky scent of heaven.
'Why out of all the scents it's milky? Why do I like it?'
"Fine," she crosses her arms, "I guess I will just leave you here in the pentagram, there is no one here to let you out except me."
I crack open one eye and look at her. She looks genuinely serious. I think of hell, the parties, the drugs, the freedom. I don't want to rot away here! I still have sins to commit! I scowl and open both my eyes, propping myself up on my elbows.
"You wouldn't dare, you would never want to spend the rest of eternity up here with me as your only company," I am calling her on her bluff, no one would want to spend eternity alone with me. I'm insufferable!
"Who said I would be here, maybe I will take this chance to visit the humans and play god," she starts pacing with her hands behind her back, "while I'm down there you can hang out here and watch over the weeping angels."
I slowly rise to my feet and size her up. She seems adamant about having it her way. I have better things to do. I listen to the humans setting things on fire in the background. They would accept her as a god. I scoff, roll my eyes and give her a sideways glance. I repeat that multiple times. Maybe if I make enough faces and noises she will get impatient and give up. She just kept wearing that devious smirk
"Ugghhhh," I groan and run my hand over my face, "fine Princess, let's have it your way. Let me out and I'll help you find god, I guess."
"Really!?" Just like flipping a switch, Meta went from a scheming angel, back to a little puppy.
She would fit right in, back in hell.
"Yeah, yeah whatever just let me out." I gestured impatiently at the pentagram.
She kicks up the patted-down cloudfluff, breaking the pentagram, and holds out her hand. I take it in my own, shaking hers quickly.
"It's a deal then, for heaven's sake," she says cheerfully.
I grunt and look back at where I was laying in the pentagram to see a me-shaped patch of singed cloudfluff.
I really shouldn't be here.