No" he said.
"Please, Meg Griffin needs a boyfriend" said, the god. "She'll get attractive real fast if she has somebody who tells her he loves her. The 100 year advanced Meg is possible"
"Still no" he said, "I'm not dating her. Her family is crazy. And anybody who comes in contact with that family either dies, is dead, has gone to jail before, is currently committing a crime by being with her, a pervert, is a fricken weirdo or will drop her if somebody more attractive comes along. And let's not forget the creepy obsession Meg has with guys who are remotely kind to her. I don't want any of that. What is she like 16?"
"She's 18" said, the god.
"Wow, really?" he said, shocked. "Her family and the bullying really messed her up. I know in the latest season's Meg's bullying has really toned down and the parents have moments where they act like parents. But the damage is already done, you know. That poor girl"
"And that's why you'll be perfect for this role" said, the god. "Your compassionate. You aren't crazy. You aren't looking for a quick screw. And you know enough about Lois, to not jump in bed with her."
"What? God no" he said.
"I'll make it worth your time" said, the god. "I'll make you an alien"
"Why not a god?" he said.
"Peter Griffin is already the god of Earth" said, the god. "Its the reason why no matter how much destruction, death and jail time. He'll be out by the next episode. Its also the reason why he's constantly meeting famous people."
"Oh" he said, suddenly it made sense.
"I'll make you an alien god if you like" said, the god. "It will protect you if your shot or something and you'll be extremely good looking. Being human, there is about a 85 percent chance something terrible is going to happen to you otherwise"
"Oh" he said, "Well sign me up." Before he said " And Meg has dated stranger things"
She really had, like a muppet.
And than the world went white.
He found himself in front of the Griffins terrible house, but nobody could see him.
"And stay out!" Yelled Peter throwing Meg out.
This must be pre season 17. He thought.
Meg rolled out but managed to land, she stood up and he was stunned to see her face.
She wasn't ugly at all.
Her face would be very attractive if her body wasn't so abused.
He just stood there and watched, waiting to see if the family would let her back in.
Meg just stared at the street as the sun went down and the moon rose.
This was ridiculous.
Was she going to stay here all night?
Suddenly he appeared some distance away, he took out a mirror from his pocket and shaped his face to look attractive.
Suddenly he walked down the street while Meg was looking at her hands.
He said to her. "Hey."
Meg looked up and saw the most attractive teenage boy she had ever laid eyes on, his eyes were blue and they sparkled like diamond, his hair was sunflower yellow and his jaw line would have people thinking he was a movie star.
She saw the wind pick up, the sky turn pink and him smile out her showing blinding white teeth.
In reality she stared at him like she was on drugs.
"I couldn't help but walk past you a couple of times and saw your family watching tv through the opened Curtin window" he said, "They're clearly not going to let you in, so I was thinking... do you want to get a bite to eat?"
She continued to stare.
"Hello?" he said, waving his hand in front of her.
She snapped out of it and said. "Ah, yeah, Beef cake-" she slapped herself. "I mean, I would love to go eat with you but my wallet is empty because somebody in the house stole the money from it"
What?
"That's okay. I'll pay for both of us. I'm kind of new here" he said, and Meg followed him. "Just looking for a friend, you know"
"I like your voice..." said, Meg dreamily.
"Oh...okay" he said, trying to not seem uncomfortable.
He made them zap forward to the nearest burger joint and Meg was too busy staring at his face to notice.
"So what do you want?" he said, as they had just walked in and gone to the front of the line.
And without taking her eyes off of his face, she said. "Two Burger Supremes, a Jumbo shake and cheesy fries"
Seriously?
"I will just have a burger, chips and a soda" he said to the cashier.
The Cashier also stared at his face, who knows what dream she was seeing before shouting the order while also staring at him.
He paid and the cashier gave them the food while still staring at him.
He took Megs hand to lead her outside since she wasn't moving and in her head, it was a confirmation that they were on a date.
He made them jumped to the grassy hills looking over Quahog and he sat down at the edge.
"Isn't the view beautiful?" he said.
"You sure are" said, Meg.
He turned around and his eyes went wide, seeing this she retracted and said. "I mean the view is beautiful as well"
She laughed nervously and than began to shove her meal down as if she was an animal, she had learned it from the way her family eats.
However he cringed, she wasn't even bothering to close her mouth as she chewed so food was going everywhere.
"You sure...eat a lot for a girl" he said.
She froze and said. "Wait, you know I'm a girl?"
Even complete strangers think she's a guy.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I know you're a girl?" he said, "I mean you have really pretty eyes, Your lips are full. Your face tells me that you're a beautiful and gorgeous young woman. And I'm not gay so your definitely a girl"
And Meg blushed hard and said. "Thanks. Its rare that I get such a compliment"
"Well, you should hear compliments more often. You're a seriously pretty girl" he said.
"...Pretty enough for you to date?" said Meg.
"Wait, what?" he said.
"Nothing" she said, quickly.
"No back up to that question" he said, surprising her. "I'm seriously thinking about it" before he said. "Do you know who I am?"
"No. Nor do I care" said, Meg immediately. "Even if you're a murder"
Silence.
"...Okay" he said, "Well, I can date a girl like you. Lets exchange numbers, take pictures and than I'll walk you home"
And they did so.
Meg felt a rush, as he held her hand and he made sure to take the slow way home, he thought that she might be chilling so he took off his jacket and put it around her.
"Ooh, soft" she said, "Your so thoughtful..." looking for a name.
"Its too early but you can call me James" he said.
"Than you can call me, Meg" said, Meg and they came to her door.
"You turned a pretty terrible day into a nice one, James" said, Meg.
"I just followed my instincts and it lead me to you" he said, and than both of them slowly smiled at each other as he took his coat from her and they kissed.
However no tongue.
Than Meg opened the door to find it open and she walked in, he walked back into the moon light with his hands in his pockets coolly and headed 'home'.
In reality he disappeared and found himself in a black space, he thought and changed it into a teenagers room, however the moon beyond had tentacles sticking out.
He than went to bed and slept until he heard his new phone buzz, it was from Meg.
He could already imagine, her waking up and thinking it was all a dream only to find the number saved on her phone and the pictures.
She wanted to video chat to make sure he was real and he hadn't been drunk the night before.
He accepted it and saw Meg without her makeup on, immediately he held any judgement down and said. "Hey, beautiful. Did you just wake up?"
The way Meg's eyes light up was heart-breaking.
"Yes I did. I'm getting ready to shower" she said.
"Well, Its too early for me." he said, before he said. "Is it too early, Charles?"
"Yes, young Master it's too early" said, a male voice. "You have 4 hours left until you have to wake up"
"Oh, it looks like I'll be going back to sleep soon" he said.
"Young master?" said Meg.
"...Yeah, uh. I'm kind of Loaded and some other stuff." he said, "And I don't live in Quahog." before he said. "But we can still text and call each other. Who knows when I'm going to be back in town? I can even send you gifts and give you my email"
"Oh, okay" she said, not bothered by the long distance at all.
"Well, if you want to talk I'm here to listen" he said, before he waved and ended the call.
The next time she called, it was several hours later when he know she was in school.
He changed his clothes to appear as a posh school uniform and he looked ready to go in the mirror.
He answered it.
"Hi, James. Getting ready for scho?" said, Meg.
"Yep. Even I have to go to one of these" he said.
"Hey, James. Can I introduce you to my friends?" she said.
"Oh sure" he said, and three faces that would make anybody cringe came into view on his phone.
Patty, Beth and Ruth stared at the most gorgeous teenage boy they had ever seen.
"Hi, Meg's friends" he said.
They continued to stare.
"Meg, I think I broke your friends" he said.
"Give them a minute" said, Meg.
They came to 30 seconds later.
"How?" said, Ruth, how did Meg landed this guy? Was he on drugs and she was supplying him?
"Well, we met at the front of her house and I took her out for a nice evening" he said and Meg giggled in the background. "Anyway, we can't see each other often because I don't live in Quahog." just than the bell rang. "Anyway, I have to head to class. It was nice talking to you all. Love you Meg"
And than the call was ended.
All three friend stared to see Meg with her phone pressed against her chest love-struck.
"He says he loves me" said, Meg.
"Hey, Meg. Can you ask James if he knows some guys that don't have girlfriends?" said, Beth. "If you can get that, then surely all three of us have a shot"
Meg frowned but than her phone buzzed with a notification.
It was her worst fears.
She had used up her call allowance, her parents gave her this kind of phone to spite her while everybody else got phones that were unlimited.
She didn't think it was an issue now, but she had an attractive boyfriend now.
She seriously did not have the data to video chat until she got home to connect to the Wifi.
She tried to call him all through tv and dinner, before he picked up in his room.
"Sorry, Meg. Had tennis practise" he said, back to his room. "I like to dabble in anything I can. This physic doesn't come from nowhere"
He took off his shirt and flexed in front of the phone, Meg giggled seeing the muscles.
The sound of giggling with the door wide open, was like stepping into a new reality to anybody in the corridor.
He continued to flex and Meg said. "James stop, I'm trying to do my homework. Your distracted me"
"Well, than lets do homework together" he said, "I have never faced normal high school homework before. I can help you out"
"Really?" she said. "Maybe you can help me. What's 1898 by 26?"
He said immediately. "73"
Meg got out a calculator and was shocked. "That's right. Wow. How long did it take you? Your really smart."
"Well, I've been called that before, but isn't it normal for a boyfriend to help his girlfriend out?" he said.
"Your so sweet, James." said, Meg before both of them got down to it, for the first time in her life, somebody who wasn't an idiot was helping her with her homework, James had knowledge and he throw in compliments every once in a while to make her smile.
And than they heard.
"MEG GO TO BED!" yelled a cranky Lois.
"Well, goodnight James" said Meg.
"Good night, Meg" he said, "I love you"
"Love you too" she said, and than she ended the call, she took out her diary and began to write before putting it under her bed.
For the first time, she felt truly loved as she drifted off to sleep.
To a dream land where her and James engaged in sexy times.
She was unaware that her diary will expose her dreams and her boyfriend's existence to the whole family.
Meg woke up to her father waking her up using a fart to her face.
"Dad!" She said
"Good morning, sweetie" said Peter before laughing out of the room.
She gave out a fustrated groan, it was because of Peter that she had to spend 20 minutes on her face alone with layers of special face cream or it would smell.
She got out of bed and checked her phone, in the mess of people telling her to go kill herself, she saw a message from James.
'Keep your head held high, somebody loves you'
And just like that the terrible start of the day, seemed to wash away and she smiled.
Words can break her down but also lift her up.
She showered, did her skin and makeup nd got dressed and than she headed downstairs with fresh new steps.
She entered the kitchen and said. "Good morning family, isn't it a wonderful day?"
Lois, Peter, Chris, Stewie and Brian came out of their boredom and stared at her with wide eyes.
"Good morning mother and I got to say, this breakfast looks delicious" said Meg, even though it was just cereal and milk.
"What the hell?" Said Brian.
She poured herself some cereal and than began to eat.
She was smiling on a Wednesday morning.
She finished and gave all of them a kiss on the cheeks before going for her bag and saying. "I'm going to wait outside for the bus"
Silence.
"What just happened!?" Said Chris.
Nobody knew.
Meg opened her phone and looked at James text message again and felt it give her strength again.
Chris cautiously stood next to her as the bus came, she got on and everybody noticed the thing on Meg Griffin's face.
Many of them had never seen a smile on her before so they didn't know what it was.
Everybody was unnerved but she sat down and the bus drove off.
20 minutes later they all came down to the second worse building she was forced to be in.
Her highschool.
She walked through the door and pretty much everybody who was ready to mock her stopped and stared.
Even the principle stopped and stared.
Suddenly Connie and her friends came out to Meg.
"Ew, Meg. What's that on your face?" Said Connie. "I didn't think you could get any more uglier but every day, you manage to suprise me"
However instead of that smile going away, Meg said. "And good morning to you too Connie. Isn't it a beautiful day? And you are looking beautiful as always"
"What the hell?" Said Connie.
None of her squad were laughing.
"Thank you for greeting me before I go to class" said Meg. "Bye Connie, see you at lunch" and than she left.
The popular group was just left speechless, their words had never missed their target before so they didn't know how to react.
Meg was joined by her friends.
"James?" Said Patty.
"James" said Meg. "He sent me a super sweet message this morning. He wrote me 'Keep your head held high, somebody loves you''"
"Wow, with words like that, no wonder Connie's words didn't effect you" said Ruth.
"I think I'm in love" said Meg.
And James made sure Meg knew she was loved every single day, by talking to her and making her laugh and listening to her concerns.
Happy Meg was creeping her family out, she would laugh off any comment and see the bright side of things.
However she didn't tell them why she was so happy, because she knew they would find a way to ruin it for her.
However all of them had no boundaries regarding her, so when she was alseep, Lois came into her room and quietly looked for her Diary before finding it under the bed.
She took it out and quiet sneak out, she went downstairs where the rest of the family were in their PJs surrounding the purple couch.
"Time to find out what's been going on in Meg's life" said Lois, sitting down.
And not a single one of them felt guilt as they crowded around with a mug of hot chocolate.
Lois opened it up and began to skip because they read everything until she saw something new. "Oh, here we go"
They braced themselves for a good read.
"Dear Diary. Today what started out as a normal day ended up being a hot and steamy one, ewww." said Lois, wondering what soft garbage she was going to read. "Today my father kicked me out of the house like usual and I was sure, I wouldn't be let back in until the following morning. And than he came. Mister Hot peiece of Ass"
Everybody got ready to cringe.
"Dressed in a football jersey was the hottest guy I had ever seen. His blond hair was like sun light and his eyes shone like Diamond. With every word, I felt my girlhood tremble" said Lois.
And all of them cringed.
"Girlhood? Who says that? That's disgusting" said Peter but nobody told her to stop.
Lois continued. "He gave me the name James and he asked if I wanted to grab some dinner with him. I agreed immediantely and we want out to get some burger and fries before sitting on top of the hill looking over Quahog. He complimented the sky and I complimented him. I couldn't get over how beautiful he looked, but he didn't seem to mind. He complimented me and made me feel good. Somehow, in my own rushed way I confessed and to my surprise he said yes. I and James are now boyfriend and Girlfriend and he took me home like a gentleman and we shared a hot soaked kiss at the door, we were all over each other and I was sad to see him leave but we had to separate"
All of them were then silent.
"Clearly this was hullicination" said Brian.
"Definitely" all of them agreed.
However Lois read the next entry. "Dear Dairy. James is real" and just like that all of them were stunned as Lois managed to compose herself and continue. "I woke up with his phone number and pictures we took the night before. I called him up and we video chatted, it was so unreal, it turns out James was sober when he said yes and he called me beautiful. I couldn't believe it"
Once again all of them were silent as Lois continued.
"Not only that but I got to find out a little bit about James as well" said Lois. "James lives in a place four hours behind Quahog and he's from a very wealthy family. I showed my friends the pictures and they thought I was doing crack with him, so I had to call him up in school and he was just about to go off to school himself. And gosh, did James look sexy in that uniform. The look on Patty, Ruth's and Esther faces when they saw James on video chat was halirious. Me and James had a good laugh later. When I managed to call him again at home, I found out he does all kinds of sports and he's really smart. James helped me with my homework and I tried to keep my voice down but James was just so funny and was helping compliments onto me. I can't believe I have this amazing boyfriend"
More silence as Lois flipped the page and read. "Dear Dairy, today I woke up to a message from James that was so sweet. It got me through a lot of the day and I thanked him for it. Being long distence sucks but I'm never felt so loved as I am now with James. He would listen to my woes and he doesn't judge me even when I started talking about my third nipple. He's a wonderful boyfriend and if I had the money, I would fly out to meet James. But of course I don't want James anywhere near my family, they will scare him off or worse. I don't meet many guys who can keep up with my weirdness"
More silence.
"The next few pages are basically about James and how wonderful he is to her" said Lois. "He wrote her a song. He gave her advice. They started talking about meeting each other on a weekend. Etc."
And than she flipped to the next page and her eyes almost popped out of her, she dropped the dairy and everybody wondered what startled her.
But when they saw the page, but more importantly the picture decorated with hearts and in red ink was the words 'Meg and James forever' they understood.
Beside Meg was James.
"Holy crap, he's Gorgeous" said Brain.
"I'm freaking out, he's so beautiful!" Said Chris.
"Look at that jawline. Holy Moly" said Peter.
"I can't believe it" said Lois. "My own daughter Meg is dating someone who looks like a Moviestar! Why didn't she tell me? His eyes are gorgeous!"
Stewie just stared at the image of the hottest piece of ass he had ever seen.
On the next page were more pictures, like holding hands and stuff.
That night, some of them not so discreetly snapped pictures of James before going to bed.
The next morning, Meg felt like something had changed in her family over night.
She wasn't woken up by a fart to the face instead she met Peter who just lingered awkardly in the doorway.
"Hi, sweetie. Time to get up" said Peter in a soft tone.
Meg was understandbly creeped out as Peter slowly slinked away.
She blinked before walking out and into the corridor only to run into the other members of the family minus Lois and all of them had a weird smile on their face when they saw her.
"Hi...Meg" said Stewie and she blinked and said. "Hi, Stewie"
She bathed and went to her room, where she got ready for the day, putting on her church clothes and heading downstairs for breakfast.
She sat down and everybody practically teleported to their seats.
Her mother had that same weird smile on.
She tried to ignore it.
However Lois said. "Meg...do you want to tell me something?"
"No. Not really?" Said Meg. "It's been a pretty standard week"
"A pretty standard week indeed" said Stewie laughing weirdly.
What?
An idea was growing in her mind.
They didn't.
However they did.
"You guys weren't snooping in my diary again. How could you!" She said, dropping her spoon as her voice reached her mad volume.
"We'll, Meg. You weren't telling us anything" said Lois. "How are we supposed to know that your dating a drop dead gorgeous teenaged boy?"
"That's the point!" said Meg. "I didnt tell you because I feared you would whore yourself all over him just like how you did with Anthony or Dad says something so offense that he never wants to speak to me again. This is the first boyfriend I have ever had that lives away from this families crazy. I won't let let you ruin this for me. All of you can go fuck yourselves!"
And than she walked back to the living, stumped upstairs and locked herself in the bathroom.
The house of god could wait.
What she needed now wasn't her family or her friends.
She needed somebody who would make her feel better with concern and love.
She rang James.
Thankfully, James picked up.