I set the cupcakes down on the table, next to the bowl of fruit we had also brought for people to eat. There was chili and all the other things one would expect for a pot luck. Turning around I found all of our friends, Alyssa's family and the few people that me and David had considered family. The memorial wasn't much except for religious purposes, ones that David and I never really had much to say about, but Alyssa had wanted. This time now, this is what David would have wanted. Every one who cared or could come, gathered together to remember good times, bad times, fun times, and make more memories together.
My heart clenched in my chest over my brother. He should be here too still... I wish he was.
Struggling to maintain my composure, I decided to make myself a drink and go mingle a bit. Brian was helping with the twins while Alyssa went and changed from Kara burping milk all over her. The last thing I needed was to hold one of the twins at this moment with my emotions so on edge, I'd lose it if I did. So my eyes scanned the faces as I walked through the back yard until a few people stopped me themselves to offer me their condolences. More than a few though, just hugged me and wanted to see how we were holding up and offered a hand if we needed it.
"Hey Rina." I turn to find John with a sad smile on his face and his arms open for a hug.
"Hey John." I say quietly, giving him a quick hug with one arm out, the other still holding my drink near my body. "Not too tightly." I said as he gave me a squeeze.
He pushed back and looked me up and down, "How's your body now?"
I awkwardly laugh, "Better? Just not at a hundred percent, yet."
John nods, "Well good to hear you're better. Did you by chance talk to Brian about those apartments I wanted you to help out with?"
I nod, "Yes. When did you think the rezoning will be finished? I have a few projects I'll be working on here soon myself and don't want to get too much started if it's about to start soon."
John looks excited, "Does that mean you're accepting my offer?"
I stick my hand out to shake his, "Yes, you got that right."
He takes my hand and shakes it, his smile wide and bright, "Excellent! I'm hoping the zoning committee will get back to me within the next few months. Two at the least, four at the most. Bureaucrats and their red tape takes time, but it will happen before the end of the year."
I take my hand back and nod, "Good to know, I need to find Alyssa and Amanda, it's almost time for us to start. You can send me the contract when the zoning committee has approved and we can start. Till then." I nod and start heading towards the house where I should find Alyssa.
Amanda finds me before I get to the house and asks me if she should call everyone to attention.
"Where's Alyssa?" I ask her.
"She's changing one of the twins, Brian has the other at the moment."
"We should wait for her to finish, I think. Let me go check in on her." I make my way back to the house and enter to find Brian holding Kara, talking to her as she fussed and cried.
"No....don't cry. Shhh... It's okay."
Brian starts to do something I've never seen or heard him do before. He started singing to Kara. "You fill up my senses, like a night in a forest... like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain, like a storm in the dessert.... like a sleepy blue ocean..."
His voice is rich and gentle and .... fuck... perfect. He's singing to Kara and it instantly makes me think of him singing to our own child in the future. My insides flutter and coil, tightening my core, leaving me wanting for him more than I've ever felt before. My heart feels like it's about to burst with yearning. I suddenly felt a warmth flood between my legs, and instinctively I rushed past and entered into the bathroom to make sure I wasn't bleeding. I pull my skirt down and I breathe a sigh of relief seeing that there's no blood.
*Knock-Knock*
"Sarina? Are you okay baby?" Brian's concerned voice was muffled from the wooden door but I could tell if I didn't answer he'd find a way through that door with his urgency.
"Yes! I just had to pee." I call back, before taking care of myself and washing my hands. I step out and he's right there in front of the door, still holding Kara.
"You zoomed by so fast, I thought something was wrong. Is Amanda ready to start? Alyssa just walked outside with Keith." Brian asked as we headed for the door.
"Sorry. Yes, Amanda was asking if we should gather everyone." I open the door for him to walk out and sure enough we find Amanda getting the sound system and Flatscreen ready under the event canopies that had been set up.
We join Alyssa, who takes Kara from Brian and sets her with her brother in their little baby play pen under the shade of the patio next to her parents. We join Alyssa over under the main canopy as Amanda calls everyone's attention to take a seat. Once everyone settles, Amanda welcomes everyone and starts us off.
"David.... Now that was a man who could make any of us laugh, scowl or grin at him. As much as he irritated me most days, he always had a knack for making me love him again. I'm not much for words, so I made this video after everyone sent me pictures and videos of him. Thank you everyone who did that."
Amanda turns the video on and plays a video, starting off with David saying hello, waving or some other form of greeting that was caught on film or a picture. Then came a bunch of his little jokes and jabs, then his words of wisdom that seemed to come out every now and then. The video contained pictures of his childhood through high school, videos popping up here and there with music in the background. A lot of pictures from the wedding and him with the twins filled up the end. There wasn't a dry eye in the house, even when we laughed, we were crying. I had my arms wrapped around Alyssa, but Brian had his arms wrapped around me.
Once it ended, Amanda went back up to the front, clearing her throat, "Now, I'd like to invite my sister Alyssa up."
Alyssa stood and pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. She cleared her throat and spoke, forcing a lack luster smile, "Thank you everyone for coming. I wish it was for a different reason, but still thank you. I'm just going to read a poem that I felt I should share." She read a poem about grieving but finding the strength to continue on. Then she had me come up.
I pulled out the poem I wrote for him, my hands shaking as no one knew I wrote stuff like this. My nerves had me swallowing, unable to focus on anyone as I find my voice again.
"Thanks everyone for coming. I can't say much right now because I will get to emotional so I'm just going to read something."
I take a deep breath and start, "This is titled *Unsent Letters*.
All that I have left are pictures and treasured memories anymore,
That is all that I have left of some one I love and adore.
Left behind inside my chest is a black hole, a hollow void, just empty,
Since my heart was ripped out & discarded the morning you left life too early,
So great was your pain, I can not fathom how hard those days must have been,
All that is left are our dreams of us continuing our ways, coming to an end,
All that I have left is the memories and monotony each day,
Placing on this familiar façade to tell everyone that I'm 'okay',
How great it was to rekindle our bond after so many years apart,
But the damage had already been done to your body and heart,
If only healing our bond had healed you too,
If only we could go back in time with what we knew,
I miss you, your laugh, your grin,
I miss how our get togethers used to begin...
All that I have left are the echoes of 'hey, check this out' in my head....
Echoes that cause me to drown in tears that my eyes endlessly shed,
Drowning in the memories and questions, I can't help but cry,
Every night my sorrowful tears send me to sleep like a rending lullaby,
My dreams torture me reminding me of good times and how you kept me from harm,
Because it is all a mirage, bitter reality hits with the sound of my alarm,
I know in time, I'll learn to handle the pain from the loss of your death,
I'm sorry, I wasn't there while you took your last breath,
I wish you knew how I'll always feel my brother, my first and best friend,
and all the letters I've now written, but can never send."
After I finished, I couldn't look anyone in the eyes and went and sat down next to Brian.
"Did you write that?" Brian asks me, wrapping his arm back around me.
"Why? Was it horrible?" I ask, sniffling, still not meeting his gaze.
"It was beautiful, Sarina." He kisses my forehead as fresh tears spill from my eyes and the memorial continues with others saying whatever they wished to. I just sat there crying quietly in Brian's arms unable to soothe the aching to see my brother or hear his voice one last time.